Got my incense yesterday. The order was perfect, too. Right now I’m burning some magnolia. It’s a rather unusual yet nice fragrance.

Little Fella is hanging on by a thread like no other rodent I’ve ever had before. I think this is because I can’t undo the life spell I put on him. Most spells can’t be reversed that easily.

Still nothing from Ricki. We’re wondering if perhaps the old, incompetent biddy even remembered to contact UPS. Tom’s going to call her tomorrow.

As for the Kate doll, I decided not to bother trying to win it. Not just because I may not get her, but because they wouldn’t list how much shipping would cost, and that could’ve ended up being $20 for all we knew. Her skirt was also said to have some discoloration, and they only accepted cashier’s checks or money orders. Most importantly, we need our money right now.

We’re calling the realtor next week with or without hearing back from the bank about the forms. We don’t need them or anybody else to tell us how or when to sell our house. As far as where we’re going, my vibes are fluctuating between AZ/NV. I think we’ll be out of here on or around April 26th.

Got letters, drafts, and a Maria letter from Mary.

Tom and I agree with her – 13 is a lucky number. It saved my life, in a sense. The room number at Valleyhead from which I jumped was #13.

I thanked her for sharing her opinions, beliefs, and feelings. I agree with some and some I don’t. It’s like she said – to each their own. She doesn’t try to make me into her so that’s cool. I weigh people’s beliefs and advice in my mind. Some I take, some I leave. Because she’s one of the few who doesn’t try to change me, I don’t feel offended or pressured in any way by her sharing her thoughts with me. I believe that different things work for different people.

One of her biggest concerns - and she assured me she was only looking out for me - was my delving into witchcraft. She insists I’ll have to pay tenfold for each spell I cast, but as I told her, for someone who believes in free will, I’m surprised she’d believe we’re made to pay for things like spells we cast. After all, what’s the point of giving people the free will to do as they please if you’re just going to punish them for it? I believe we’re given free will in some areas of life and in others we’re not, as it wasn’t meant to be. Meaning, I don’t have the free will to stop the sun from rising or setting because I wasn’t meant to be doing any such thing in the first place. That’s God’s job, and I totally agree with her when she says he is the most powerful being of all.

I don’t believe I’ll be punished for any spells I cast because I don’t believe God would’ve given me the ability to do so if he was going to punish me for using it so long as I don’t abuse it. In other words, I’m not going to put a spell on UPS cuz they’re too stupid to deliver my package. I don’t believe God judges us for every little thing we do. If anything, he’d punish me a lot quicker for slapping someone back that slapped me, than he would for me putting a spell on someone who slapped me. I use my best judgment on when and who to put spells on and I haven’t been punished yet so I’d say I’m doing ok and that I don’t have to worry. It’s like how some say gays will be punished. That’s bull, I say, for if God hated gays so much that he felt the need to punish them, why do we even exist in the first place? I do believe, though, that God can be cruel, unfair and vengeful towards either particular groups of people or individuals. I also believe that what may be ok for some may not be ok for others. Maybe John Doe can get away with robbing a bank, but maybe Jane Doe can’t. Maybe God will see to it that she’s caught and punished while he lets John get off scot-free to enjoy the loot. I think he has different standards for different people and for different reasons, though what they are, we’ll probably never know.

She asked if I studied witchcraft, and as I told her, I don’t think that or psychism is something one can really study. I think it’s just something you can or can’t do, though those who can don’t always know it. Never heard of a white witch before which she says she was, but she also refused to use her powers. I didn’t know witches came in colors. See, I thought the definition of the word “witch” was someone that casts negative spells, while a psychic predicted things, saw places they’d never been, did spirit guiding, etc.

She says her family is said to be cursed for 7 generations with her kids being the final generation. I know her family and her kids are cursed. It seems a lot of families are cursed. Why, I do not know. Don’t know who does the cursing either. It could be God, the devil or something else entirely. It’s a big old mystery to me. She says she tries to pay no attention to the spirit world yet that’s another thing that’s sometimes easier said than done. Sometimes they won’t let you ignore them and you have to fight back. I think I’m managing to tame our ghost pretty darn well for the time we have left here, though. Tom and I don’t think it’s an Indian like she suggested because as he says, this particular area wasn’t inhabited by them as much. Plus, in old times they didn’t have shovels, so they were buried in shallow graves. I still think it was someone murdered on this land about 50 years ago and who may very well be buried here (pretty deep) according to what my gut and visions have told me, and she admits this could be the case, too. Either way, ignorance may be bliss, but it doesn’t change the facts, so we may as well deal with whatever life throws our way. Sometimes we wish we could pay no attention to certain things which sometimes works, but not in all cases.

I still hope that just like it did with me, her life will improve dramatically with age. I think the main reason my life has improved so much is due to having Tom in my life, getting out of the city since I’m not a people person, and cutting off my family which had a very negative, depressing and stressful effect on me.

Her aunt cut her off for speaking out about the pervert (now her cousin’s sending her money, and hopefully she won’t dump Mary eventually as well), and although she says she’s heartbroken, she also says she’s a very forgiving person and that she’s not going to dump her family, though what I say about them is true. She says she’d rather not run away and be full of hate. She wants to show them she can still achieve things, though why she’d want to prove anything to them, beats me. Walking away from an abusive family isn’t “running away” or being hateful, I told her. You don’t have to hate someone just because you don’t want anything to do with them or because you feel they’re not a good influence in your life. If a woman leaves an abusive lover, she’s not running away. She’s doing what’s best for her. However, if there’s anything I hate most in life it’s others pressuring me or telling me to do this or do that, and so I’m not about to do it to her. It’s her family and her life, I told her, so I respect that and will support her even if I don’t think she’s making the right decisions. She’s young yet, so there’s no saying how she may feel come 10 years from now. Try to know when to follow your heart and when to follow your head, I told her. That’s all we can do anyway. Meanwhile, her aunt’s daughter is sending her money. I wonder if she’d still speak out if no one else would send her money. I think she would. I hope she would.

Me personally, I never cared to stick around to show my family I could achieve this or that because their opinions of me just didn’t matter in the end. In other words, I could care less if they think I’m smart, stupid, fat, ugly, pretty, crazy, etc. I’ve gone numb where they’re concerned. I don’t hate them, I don’t like them, I don’t love them. Nor do I care if they’re happy, sad, sick, healthy, rich or poor. It’s easy to say, “I’ll stick around, but I’m not going to take their shit,” like Mary said she said in regards to her family, yet it’s another to do so because they just keep dishing it out no matter how much we try to resist it, so for me, the only way to escape it was to cut them off. Some people just don’t change. Meanwhile, we do and we gotta move on.

She says she’s a happy person who doesn’t want any negativity in her life (how can you be a happy person in jail?) and I told her that I’m happy too, and nobody wants negativity in their lives. At least no normal people do, though certain people like Tammy and Paula get off on it and the sympathy it brings them. However, as I reminded her, sometimes negativity has a way of finding us. We all struggle through hard times. It’s how we handle it that counts.

I teased her about how forgiving she says she is and told her that’s ok, you do the forgiving and I’ll hold the grudges! Just like how she likes everybody while I hate ‘em all.

When I say I’m not a forgiving person, believe me, it takes a damn good reason for me not to forgive someone and then dump them. In other words, if she came to visit and accidentally dropped and broke something of mine, I’m not going to dump her for it nor would I put a spell on her, and I told her this.

That sucks that they get them all up at 5 AM to clean the dayroom. Now that’s sheer power and spite as if having to submit to authority and be locked up away from friends and family isn’t power and punishment enough. I’m going to be up at 3 AM when it’s 5 AM her time and I know my heart will be bleeding for her, the poor girl! I’ll also be more than grateful that I’m not there with her! Except for the food, it sounds like she was happier in Estrella if she had to be either there or where she is now. I’m just glad that if I had to be framed into a jail stint it wasn’t before I got so into this incense. That’d just be one more thing I’d miss!

Incense has become my passion. She likes it, too. I told her I’d either make her some myself or show her how to dip her own.

She was also glad to hear we’re selling things, but like I told her, we’re not exactly making a fortune and we haven’t managed to get bids on the incense yet.

She wanted me to tell her the most traumatic things that have happened to me because she’s getting ready to incorporate me into her book. That’s easy. Aside from when I lived with my mother and her shit, Valleyhead was definitely my worst childhood experience. It was actually the worst experience in my entire life as she read in my auto, with Brattleboro being runner-up to it. As an adult, my hardest times were when I lived in Deerfield, then moved to the CT projects, along with the black/Mex saga and the jail they got me tossed into.

She said it was too bad I couldn’t make it to Washington and that she mentally sent me a ruby, sapphire, and diamond bowl, saying the picture’s first prize as far as she’s concerned, though as I told her, I’m not missing anything by not going to Washington. Washington doesn’t appeal to me.

She thanked me for translating Maria’s letters.

I’m glad to finally know she did get the stories. I think I’ll finish my current story, College Romance, this month, then it’s off to the long-awaited Angel Eyes. The one she said she thinks she’ll like best. It’s going to be so much fun to write! A challenge as well cuz it’s going to be so weird. Be patient, though, I told her. It could be a year or two before it’s done.

Later…

Yes! A couple of pigs got shot down in Phoenix. Rumor has it they harassed the shit out of the individual that finally got fed up and shot them and I believe it. Totally. And if it’s true, then they deserve what they got and it’ll hopefully send a message to other pigs saying, see what can happen if you let the badge go to your head and you think you’re God and you push people around? I’d have shot them myself, to tell you the truth, if half the things they were said to have done were true. Sometimes you just gotta fight back to set people straight, and if anyone needs a lesson taught to them and an example set for them, it’s those within law enforcement. Meanwhile, I haven’t an ounce of sympathy for these pigs.

The rain has stopped and Monday still can’t come fast enough. Not just because of the movie, but because that’s the day I should get the blue fairy, and to my utter shock and delight, Haiku! Yes, bright and early this morning, Ricki emailed me saying she was in touch with UPS and that I should receive the doll within a few days, though I don’t have the tracking number so I don’t know what day for sure. Finally, after fighting for this doll for over a month! Though after Ricki had to run off to Chicago, then broke a hand, then UPS lost it, I won’t count on it. Maybe I’m still not meant to have this doll no matter what. I hope I am, though. Besides, her outer box will make another good moving box, as I feel the beginning of the end is finally nearing. Monday I’ll get this place surface cleaned and pack anything I don’t want seen or touched by any unruly kids that may traipse through here.

Speaking of kids, every time I read the horrors and pain of childbirth, I thank God he spared me that much (I’m referring to when Mary had her last kid in custody). Since it’s been 7 years since I’ve wanted a cigarette and 6 since I’ve wanted a kid, I’d say it’s going to stay this way. To each their own, but I’m not missing a thing. Not the nausea, not the weight gain, not the stretch marks, not the pain, not the postpartum depression, not the expense, not the tremendous responsibilities, not the noise, not the loss of freedom, none of it. Kids are cute little sweethearts, but definitely not for me. I like my children with 4 legs and fur. Especially after all I’ve been through. When you spend so many years with no control or freedom such as I have in one way or another, it makes you want to savor life and your freedom all the more. I have been a slave to enough people, systems and rules! See, we’re not moving just to get out of the payments, we want to have something that no one can take away from us.

Anyway, the more I read, the more I see just how amazing Mary’s strength and attitude are. I couldn’t have survived half the shit she’s gone through.

We got an updated scale that goes up to 3 pounds. I was shocked to find that 7 jail papers were 1.2 oz. I thought 10 sheets were an ounce, but if she’s been getting 10 sheets through with no problem, she should stick with that amount. My blue paper is lighter than my white paper as 4 sheets of blue weigh 0.7 and 4 of the white weigh 0.8. The envelope is 0.2 and 5 sheets of blue paper in an envelope is exactly an ounce.

I’m back up to 129 because I had 2000 calories yesterday. I also decided that an hour a day of working out really isn’t doing anything for me, so I’m going to cut it in half. It’s enough to keep me in shape and I think a half-hour a day of heart rate elevation is sufficient enough. As for the extra pounds, that’ll only be lost when I can muster up the strength and willpower to eat no more than 1200 for months at a time. Until then, I will remain heavy. I don’t want to worry about that right now, though, on top of everything else we have going on. I just want to get moved first! Plus, when you’re a happy person with a loving husband, versus a child with a mother who’s always taunting you about your weight, you don’t tend to be as desperate. Priorities tend to change with age, and I still don’t think I can lose more than a few pounds anyway. If I haven’t been able to do so in a couple of years now, why would I suddenly be able to do so again no matter where we lived, what was going on, and how faithfully I stuck to the diet?