Some of these trees look like they’re getting ready to sprout new leaves. It’s to hit 51º today while Paula’s going to have a low of just 9º - ugh!

I called the mailing place, and surprisingly, they accepted the package. We thought they’d have sent it back or at least called to let us know it was there. She said we had a “ton” of mail, and as Tom said, it was mail he didn’t want to get since he knows it’s mostly letters from unwanted senders. Why do I have a bad feeling that fate had Bob send the package there, as stupid as he is anyway, to force us to deal with something we don’t want to deal with? On the other hand, the unwanted senders don’t live 3’ away from us so we should be able to ignore whatever threats they may be making, and as I told Tom, we know now not to open doors to people we’re not expecting, or answer in court to any subpoenas we may get. I also advised him not to sign for any certified mail that may be there. Today’s grocery day and tomorrow’s Walmart day, so if the truck will let us, we’ll go there on Saturday.

With my shit luck, the animals will come this Sunday and the truck will be too fucked up to let us out of here. I’ll just crank up my stereo if that’s the case. God, I miss that! I mostly prefer headphones, but I miss being able to blast my music from time to time, and not worrying about what unwanted audience I may have with all the people close by when I sing. On the other hand, as long as they don’t go complaining about me, it doesn’t really matter if they hear me or not.

I wonder if the animals haven’t been around because I asked her about the banging, or because she simply hasn’t wanted them here. Well, if it is cuz of my questions, what’s she gonna do when she sees we’re still here in May? Have them over every month? Maybe she won’t be here by then. Maybe someone worse will come to replace her.

I’m trying to see the good in staying here, other than the fact that it’s too pricey for a 1-bedroom duplex, too close to others, I’m sick of wet, moldy windows, and like with most old places, the faucets and drafty windows are a bitch to operate. If we stayed here till we went down to Redding, that’d be one less move to make.

Tom thinks the universal joint just needed a grease job, which he applied yesterday. I say nothing’s ever that cheap and easy for us. I think it’s something more costly and time-consuming, designed to set us back for the millionth time and keep us here. It’s alright. I already know we’re not moving. I knew God wouldn’t let me go back to the sticks that soon. He really, really likes me to be where I don’t want to be! It’s okay, though. I’m determined to get used to it. Why go someplace better anyway, just to have to leave it? I’ll just stay here and hope no trouble comes moving in. The warmer temps are bringing the dogs across the street out more often, but hopefully mom and daughter won’t decide to camp right outside the bedroom from April till September. And hopefully, Bev won’t be replaced with what we had in Phoenix!

I did decide to bash them in their testimonials by writing, “service sucks,” but a few minutes later it was gone. When I tried to repost it, it wouldn’t take, so that tells me that they’re preventing those they fuck up on from leaving messages. The few negative feedbacks they already have are bad enough for them.

Tom doesn’t think I should say I never got the package because they could contact the mail people who could say otherwise. Yeah, I figured he may say that, and as always, I’m going to go along with him, even though I think it’s worth getting an extra order. God knows I deserve it for all the hell I’ve had to go through with them, but I’m not in the mood to fight for another package either.

We haven’t been working on my book because we can’t concentrate. We’re too wound up over the prospect of him working at Walmart. He’s hoping to work nights. That way he could keep his current job and do both jobs for a few weeks to get us extra money, but somehow I doubt God would let him work nights. That’d be helping us out greatly and it’d up our chances dramatically of getting out of here. I’m thoroughly convinced as it is that I was given this driving phobia and the inability to keep a schedule to help keep us down financially, but that’s ok, too. We’re plenty used to struggling. As long as we’re together, we don’t have to have money. We all fantasize about what we would do if we suddenly were rich, but I’m ok with staying poor. I may not always like it, but I accept it. We are, for the most part, what God wants us to be, like it or not, fair or not. So if He wants us poor, it must be for a reason. I don’t know if it’s to punish us or to compensate us for future riches, though more than likely it’s just a case of Him feeling that struggling is good for us and that it keeps us going. If life were always easy, we’d never appreciate the good times, so by keeping us down most of the time, kicking us back and ensuring that we don’t get ahead, we appreciate those rare times when things are easier all the more.

A part of me misses Mary. I don’t miss all the favors she had me do and having to hear about God all the time, but she was such a good pen pal. Her worst crime was really only that she was naïve and too trusting. Other than that, she was a smart, compassionate and very inspirational person. Maybe sometime I’ll write to her and see if she responds, though I have a feeling that’ll be yet another thing Tom will say I shouldn’t do. I appreciate his not telling me what to do and making demands and ultimatums as some people do, but because I love him, I tend to want to please him and not always do what I want to do. I want to really give his shit of a mother and sister a piece of my mind, but I don’t for his sake. Especially if it could jeopardize his inheritance. If they come to hate me any more than they already do, then they could deny Tom his money simply so I don’t get any of it. Besides, although it’d make me feel better to tell them what selfish assholes they are, it wouldn’t change a thing. It’s not like we’d get a note from Mom saying, “You’re right. I have been selfish. Here are a few of my many, many thousands to at least get you into a house with some breathing space around it.”

Bev should be finding it a bit noisy on her side right now. The house next door to her is having some kind of landscaping job done in back. I can see the top half of some guy over there when I look out the bedroom window. I can’t imagine what he’s doing. Could he be trimming hedges? But nothing’s grown yet. Maybe he was vacuuming up old dead leaves. The lady that lives there is certainly a bit too old to be out raking.

Later…

Regardless of Tom’s opinion, and I don’t see why he’d object, I did go ahead and print Mary a quick letter. It’s on the last small floral card that comes with its own envelope. Again, her worst crime, besides being a bit of a pest at times, is simply being religiously brainwashed (at least in my opinion) and overly sensitive, as well as naïvely trusting. This isn’t much compared to the queen and Miss Perfect, and certainly not compared to my family. I made it brief and to the point, saying that I was sorry for our past differences and that I hoped we could put them behind us because I missed her friendship and her letters. I said I understood we didn’t always see eye to eye on things, but that I could accept her as she is if she could do the same for me. I also mentioned being on the verge of publishing a book, partly thanks to her. I haven’t got a guess as to whether or not she’ll respond. If she did, I’d think it’d mainly be due to curiosity over the book, but that’s okay. Anyway, if she writes, she writes. If she doesn’t, she doesn’t.

There was an article about Bill Cosby fondling a woman, but no charges were filed for lack of evidence. Doesn’t that figure? I checked this area where you can post/read messages and sure enough, a lot of them were bitching about blacks getting excused from all kinds of shit. He still probably would’ve gotten off had he been a poor old nobody. And they expect us to like them? When are the courts gonna quit giving in to them because they had it so rough over a century ago, and when are they gonna quit being afraid to convict them for fear of them rioting? The more you give in to spoiled little brats, the more they take advantage. They need to learn that when they’re guilty of something they need to pay, and if they want to go and beat their heads in the wall over it like two-year-olds, fine.

Later…

I told Tom about my plan to contact Mary and he didn’t have any objections or try to talk me out of it. I still haven’t a guess as to whether or not she’ll write back, but we’ll see.

The good news is that the truck held up, but the bad is that Walmart can’t interview him this week because he can’t cut out of work early tomorrow. They “say” they’ll call him back next week. Monday’s a holiday, and if he doesn’t hear from them by Wednesday, he’ll call them. He still feels confident they’re going to hire him, but you know me, always afraid to get my hopes up. I feel more and more certain we’ll never have money again. Especially since whatever’s up there knows we’ve smartened up and know how to eat/live cheaper. Therefore, I doubt we’ll get another chance. Tom doubts we’ll even get Christmas money at the end of the year because we haven’t been associating with the selfish assholes, and while it’s easy to say they’re not worth it, they are worth the inheritance. If he doesn’t get that, we’ll never get a house for damn sure. Or the doll.

I just feel so hopeless! This may be better than being in jail, but still, it’s bad enough. Why is God so obsessed with me being stuck in places I don’t want to be?!?! I just don’t understand it! I mean, it makes absolutely no sense to me whatsoever. We have enough problems as it is like with the struggling. Can’t we at least have a house with some breathing space to struggle in? I feel so claustrophobic here.

Some other guy Tom works with who’s a little older, applied at Walmart too, but he hasn’t heard anything from them.

Later…

After two months of waiting, I finally got my bags and oils, and of course the Bump & Grind is not Bump & Grind and the Patchouli body oil smells like shit. It’s almost as if it’s minty dirt. I know it’s patchouli, but it sure is a lousy version of it. Even Tom agrees it’s weird. I had told Bob to give me that or HB if the WS didn’t smell any different than the incense oil version. Makes me wonder if the HB would’ve smelled like bleachy dirt! Anyway, whatever the Bump & Grind really is, I don’t know. At least it’s nothing bad, seeing that I paid $12 for it. The “dirty Patchouli” was only $4. I’ll send it to Paula.

I left them a message saying I got the package, the Bump & Grind isn’t Bump & Grind, the Patchouli smells like mint-scented dirt, and to have a good life. Yes, I’m definitely done with them.

Later…

Now here’s something that’s weird. As soon as I put the Bump & Grind in the lamp ring, it started to smell a bit like Bump & Grind. Maybe it’s a heat thing, and that’s why there are two different grades. I guess I just expected them to fuck up since they’ve been doing that so much that I subconsciously assumed it’d be wrong. It’ll be interesting to try a drop of the Patchouli and Angel body oils in the ring and see if it alters their smell.