The damn snow never ends! It’s supposed to be back in the 50s in a few days, so I hope some of the shit melts then. It’s been so cold that I can’t get this room over 65º. The stereos have been somewhat limited, but the canal dog just gets worse and worse each month. I still can’t believe no one complains, if not about the racket, then about it being left outside in such horrible weather.

Well, my naïvely and unrealistically optimistic husband doesn’t think so, but I think they’re going to start him off at minimum wage or very close to it. One almost always has to start at the bottom and work their way up anyhow. Every job he’s ever gotten since I’ve known him was that way, and I don’t see why he thinks it’d be different this time. Ah, but I’m going to beat God at His own game this time around and refuse to give in to poverty by sitting on my ass and just accepting it! I may have no choice but to accept that we’ll never get rich, but this time, instead of struggling our asses off and giving Him a good laugh while we’re at it, I’m determined to get work housekeeping at a motel or hotel near wherever we live. I don’t like the idea of being demoted to where I was 20 years ago – housekeeping and living in an apartment, but if that’s what I have to do to supplement our income, so be it. I’ll just have to remember not to let myself get caught up on my sleep on my days off because that’s how I get all messed up. If I can’t catch up by going to sleep earlier, then I obviously wasn’t as tired as I thought. Remembering how it was when I was in school, then at the Harley Hotel, I can say that it usually took me until the afternoon to wake up. I’ll miss being home and I’ll be exhausted, but why sit at home, listen to all the noise around me, and worry about where our next meal is to come from? Or simply that we won’t have a penny left for us after the expenses are paid.

One thing I know I won’t do this time around is take people’s shit like I did at the Harley, but part of that was my fault for being social like I was back in those days. This is why I’d like to go for housekeeping; because it’s easy to get hired for and you usually don’t have to deal with as many people. At the Harley, I’d see others at lunch and on the morning and afternoon cigarette breaks. Well, I don’t smoke now so that only leaves lunch. Meanwhile, I’m not going to play the games people love to play. I’m not going to discuss personal matters that aren’t anyone’s business. I’m not going to debate politics. I’m not going to be involved in any pranks. And I’m not going to mix business with pleasure. At least not in the ways I used to.

Robo makes sweeping so much faster that I should still be able to do that as well. The point is that together we shouldn’t be making much less than 2 Gs a month, so even if the cheapest 1-bedroom apartment is $600, we shouldn’t have just a few hundred bucks left over to worry about how we’re going to make last the month once the rent’s paid for.

I just hope Tom’s right in assuming we could get a place on Unemployment in the first place. I would think most places would want you to have a job. I’m just not sure if I want an apartment or a motel since these are our only choices. They both have their pros and cons. With an apartment, you wouldn’t have to worry about pesky housekeepers, but people don’t usually bring their stereos, or their 6 grandkids, or their 16 siblings to motels. Either one would suck, but this is all our lovely God feels we deserve.

I’m torn between wishing I could accept the life I don’t want, which is all that’s in store for me, and wishing I could get up the nerve to kill myself. I only haven’t because of Tom, but when I think of our bleak future and read headlines about how New York wants to make it a crime to say the N-word, while an Australian judge ruled that it’s perfectly ok to make gay slurs like a radio broadcaster did, and how only gay-bashers are protected by the bullshit freedom of speech laws, I don’t want to live in such a world as this. I not only thought I couldn’t hate God any more than I do today, but I thought I couldn’t hate people more than I do either. They’re just so backward! I hate almost everything about everyone. There are just so few accepting, non-controlling people out there. Everybody’s got zero tolerance for everybody else, and everybody’s so damn determined to change people, too! The world is just too twisted a place for me. Why have “freedom of speech” laws if some of us can’t say what we want? If they can slur us, why can’t we slur them? Instead, if we get slurred on the job or wherever we’re on our own with absolutely no protection whatsoever.

I think the fact that most of them are still broke goes to show that it is indeed their choice. Especially since job discrimination is virtually non-existent these days. If anything, it’s discriminative in their favor, so Tom better hope some “minority” isn’t applying for the same job he is since he’d never get it. Not even if he were the one who was more qualified.

I see the tables turning within the next few decades the more blacks steal our rights. The more rights we lose on account of them, and the more the laws favor them, the more fed up we’re going to eventually get, and someday we’ll riot and fight back just like they did. It may be the wrong way to fight back, but it’s perfectly understandable, too. The more people are shit on, the more they want to attack, not caring if the person’s innocent or not and didn’t do a damn thing to them personally. So the more rights they get protecting them from even a simple and silly thing such as a dirty look while we’re left to fend for ourselves when they shit on us at a time they know they legally can, I’m sure there are a future white Rodney King and black Reginald Denny waiting to set a similar example, only it’ll be white against black instead of black against white.

I can understand some of their warped behavior, believe it or not. Hey, if I were suddenly a rich, famous black person or a judge, I just may kill someone that pissed me off too, if I knew I could get away with it. Why stand around and argue or try to reason with them if I could simply shoot them? If you give someone the role of God, they’re going to gladly play it!