To say we’re being cursed right now is an understatement! First the Unemployment people, then the truck develops an internal engine problem, and now, just as I predicted, the property management has taken advantage of our leaving the state and has ripped off our entire deposit, claiming we owed over $300 in repairs! I’m so sorry we didn’t trash that place on our way out! I should’ve known better, too. I’m so sorry we wasted our time prepping and putting ourselves out just so they could help themselves to hundreds of our dollars! God, I hate God so much! Damn you to hell, you evil bastard, for allowing others yet again to profit at our expense!

I sent the assholes a message, giving them a piece of my mind, and as if the shit with the property management isn’t enough, Tom says that some people at work said you have to be temps for 18 months! So he may not only not get hired on soon, he may not get much of a raise anytime soon either, but I knew from the get-go that it would be a long time before he made good money. The thing is that we can’t get to the point of finding out just how long it’ll take or what raises he may get because when the truck becomes totally useless, which will be any minute now, he won’t be able to work and our only two choices at that point will be to either starve to death in the streets or kill ourselves in a more humane and faster way.

There’s a part of me that regrets leaving that dump of a house in that dump of a state. I totally believe that the only reason God wasn’t so hard on us there and let us do okay financially was that we hated the house, he hated the job, and I hated the climate.

Jessie said in her message that her landlady was spiting her big time lately because she’s leaving, and we can certainly relate to that. The only reason his sick mother left us to starve in motels was that we moved far away to where Tom was no longer within easy reach to use and abuse at will. And the management assholes spited us because it was convenient to do so, knowing we’d left the state and wouldn’t be around to fight back.

I remember a few days ago coming out and telling Tom, “The bastard above really means business this time. It doesn’t want to just scare, threaten or make us miserable, it wants to kill us! Literally back us into a corner to where it’s either go its way or ours.”

This is no joke this time, no sick prank, no test. It seriously wants to drive us over the edge for real this time and leave us no way out. Well, I’m sick of being cursed! And so is Tom. We’re sick of the unfairness, the unnecessary and senseless punishments for God only knows what. What did we ever do to anyone but try to live in peace? I feel so unloved, so unappreciated, so unwanted and so uncared for by whatever evil’s up there. Nothing up there gives a damn about us, nothing up there is looking out for us. I feel so overwhelmed with helplessness and anger!

And so we’ve decided we’re not going to take it anymore. If we’re destined to die anyway by starving in the streets, we’re going to go out of this world our way and on our terms. We’re sick of the people He’s allowed to abuse us and the hardships and pain He’s inflicted upon us year after year. If I were still young I might have a sliver of hope, but I’m not young anymore and I’ve had enough years of shit to put up with to know that things will never change, and I’m sick of it! What did the rest of our families or people like Paris Hilton do to deserve to live in such luxury for simply existing, while we struggle our asses off just to suffer when all we ever wanted was a simple, modest home and a little extra spending money after the bills were paid. Just 50 dollars. Just 50 fucking extra dollars a month! I’d have gladly settled for that, but no, even that’s too much to ask for.

If we’d had just a few scattered rough times in life, that’d be one thing, but this is one problem after another, decade after decade, and it really adds up and has an accumulative effect on some of us, you know? Well, I didn’t do anything to deserve the childhood I had or to have my dreams denied me, and the one I did get turned into a nightmare! Instead, I’ve gotten nothing but trampled on all my life and forced to settle, sacrifice and suffer. So if the only way to be in the driver’s seat of my life and to escape this never-ending cycle of bullshit is to end it all, then perhaps that’s just what we’ll need to do. I know Tom’s just as fed up as I am. We came here to better our lives and look what we’re getting for it. We’re about to lose our truck, his job, everything we own, and be tossed onto the streets like yesterday’s trash, left to starve and slowly die off because no one gives a shit about us, and those who do aren’t in a position to help us.

Even if the truck could last till we saved up a few hundred for a new junker, do you know how long we’d be stuck living in motels till we could get a place without the Unemployment and the management company paying what they owe us?! Well, I’m through being God’s little bum while He gets a royal kick out of it! I’m not going to be His fucking whipping boy anymore! Maybe when we’re dead we can meet the bastard face to face and He can tell us why he’s always hated us so much, especially me. Let’s see if He can come up with a justifiable story as to why we’ve deserved to be stepped on all our lives and why He always protects our perps.

We don’t want out just to escape the big things, but the little things, too. Why live to have my eyes get any worse? Why live to have my metabolism get any slower and me any fatter? Why live to have to deal with my teeth? Why put up with people’s noise any longer? The stereos aren’t going to get any softer and the dogs aren’t going to shut up.