Amazingly, it’s been one whole week that we haven’t had to deal with anyone in the end room, but they’ve been putting one person after another in the inside room. They haven’t been a problem, though, fortunately. The last guest was a little annoying, but they haven’t come and gone like crazy or gotten carried away with the banging like end roomers love to do.

Now for the bad news. I dreamt I was telling Tom there was enough food to eat for a while, and he said, “That’s not what I’m worried about. I’m worried about paying for the motel and gas.” As soon as I awoke from that one, I knew there was trouble ahead. Sure enough, the horses were the biggest letdown, losing $12 in an attempt to double the money, since we thought he finally homed in on the numbers. Even I have to admit it had looked more promising than ever, but it was just another tease from above. Yeah, something up there is just so damn bored that it needed another good laugh at our expense. If it isn’t God cursing us, then what is??? First it’s Satish with his house, then the 9K, and now the horses again. What next?

Now past dreams and events make more sense. The dream where the horses won 2K was only signaling the extreme fluke we had where it won a few days in a row like never before. The Netwinner dream meant Rhino still won’t pay up. And October wasn’t to reunite my folks and I but to prepare us for our inevitable deaths. Last October wasn’t a reprieve, but just a short life extension. That’s all it was. If there was any meaning behind the reunion it was only to pass along our stuff to them, if they’d like to have it. I’ve left notes for them with ways to contact my friends, for Tammy, explaining why I could never forgive her, and for the motel, letting them know, as I did with my folks, that we’re sorry to have to put them out as nice as they’ve been to us. I gave my folks access to my doc files and more, so they could get a better understanding of why we’re going to off ourselves, but I don’t think they’ll ever get it because fortunately for them, while they may’ve had their share of problems, they’ve never gone through anything remotely like what we have, so it’s hard for people to understand what they can’t relate to.

I’m just sick of this shit!!! Every time it looks like there’s hope after all and that we may make it out of here, other than to a rocking apartment, it turns out the joke’s on us. It’s like something up there has given us an ultimatum – either stay put or suffer an apartment. Well, we’re not going to do either! We’ve suffered and settled with enough! I’ll miss spending time with Tom, my stereo, downloading music, renting movies, reading, writing, getting dolls and incense, having rats, and so much more. But we won’t be struggling in the midst of people who can’t shut up and let us even think in peace, let alone live in it. Tom doesn’t want to die but loves me enough not to let me die alone, saying that we’re not backed into a corner this time and that we do have a choice. But look at what the choices are! We’re backed in enough, just not in the desperate way we were last October. I’m sure that most people would agree that if their only choices were to live poorly and miserably or die, they’d rather die.

Tom said he considered lying and saying we won today, but he doesn’t do that. That’s good, cuz he couldn’t have hidden this forever, though he certainly did the right thing by not letting me know that the new debit card was really 10 days away and not 3, cuz I’d have been freaking out a whole lot more than I was if that were even possible.

He said today he found that this particular brain he used couldn’t do California tracks like his other one could, and while he admitted that he was wrong about those 3 ingredients being the answer, he’s still so damn naively optimistic! He still thinks it’ll work out and that Rhino will pay us. I know he can’t help how he is, but he’s the one that’s been wrong on things lately and I’m the one who’s been right. If I say I don’t see us ever owning a place again or living in a peaceful place without the problem neighbors and money struggles until we do, why would I be wrong? Of course I haven’t been able to picture, to feel us ever getting out of here, moving into a place, unpacking our stuff. Because it’s not going to happen!