Jesse ended up engine-gunning as usual yesterday, but no one came down here. His dogs have been barking on and off since I got up at 6:00, but right now he’s the least of my concerns. I wish I could have slept longer so I wouldn’t have to deal with reality!

The phone rang while we were talking yesterday, but instead of it being a job for Tom, it was a year’s supply of baby wipes for me. I use wet wipes mainly to freshen up during periods, so I figured if these can be used on babies, why not me? So I’ll be getting 24 70-count packs and 12 tubes of cream. Hope I live to get to use them all! What’s funny is that it’s an ongoing daily sweep in which they pick a monthly winner each month, and I quit entering a long time ago, focusing on mostly big prizes. So I’m winning what I haven’t entered for, in a sense.

I hit 135 lbs which I should be happy about. I am, but I wasn’t supposed to hit it because I was too stressed out to eat much, not knowing if we were going to live or die. So much for thinking there wouldn’t be a “next time.” And after we scrambled to save as much as we could to prevent this from happening all over again! Are we being punished for escaping the city yet again, or does something up there just love to tease us that badly financially? Why can’t we just live in peace?!?! Why are we so destined to struggle in poverty like little lazy bums?! Well, we’re NOT lazy, we’re NOT drunks, we’re NOT druggies, so why does this happen to us every few years?! If we can never get rich, why can’t we at least have enough to live on?!

I know a lot of people would be quick to say that suicide is not the answer, and I agree that for most people it isn’t because most people have families who give a damn about them. Tom and I have no family that cares and the few friends we have that would help us if they could, aren’t exactly in the position to do so. Imagine if it was you who was suddenly faced with either losing everything and living on the streets, or dying. I would think most people would agree that the streets are no place to be. That’s just no way to live at all! We would still prefer to be ok, but what’s meant to be is going to be no matter how hard we try to survive. We just may not be meant to live anymore, depending on what happens. And I think I know what’s going to happen. I think it’s kind of obvious. Unlike Tom, I still think things happen for a reason, and I thought that what happened last year happened in order to bring me and my family back together again, but now it looks like it was to prepare me to die. God, or whatever, knew we weren’t meant to live much longer. We only got an extension, not a reprieve. So once again the “trigger-happy psycho” has his gun pointed at our heads, and I can only hope for a miracle to remove it before he squeezes the trigger. Tom could probably make it on the streets, but I certainly can’t. He always promised me he wouldn’t let me die alone, and so that’s why we’d both go together if we do end up backed into the corner I think we’re being pushed into. We’ll know for sure in a few weeks.

Tom tells me that I should have a positive attitude and go on living as normal until and if the end truly comes, but that’s very hard for me to do. Why enter to win prizes I’ll probably never be able to receive?

I can’t believe there isn’t a law that requires temp companies to replace their laid-off workers! As I’ve always said, though, we have so many laws we shouldn’t have, and we lack so many we should have. Yet unless a miracle happens and he’s able to start a new job no later than next Monday, despite the horrible economy, I don’t see any way out of this jam. Therefore, I’ve got to try my hardest to focus on the bad things in life we’ll no longer have to deal with and not the good things we’ll miss. I won’t live to see my 43rd birthday on the 4th, but I won’t get another period either. Yes, I wanted to lose more weight now that I finally found a diet that works for me, but I won’t have to be hungry anymore. I won’t have to deal with my ear and teeth anymore, and if we have to go, now’s the best time of year to go, since December and January will be cold.

It’s still a terrifying thought; the thought of actually going through the steps to kill ourselves, which I’m not going to get into now, then the dying process, then whatever afterlife may await us. I just hope it’s better than this if nothing saves us!!!

Later…

Now we’re not safe from Jesse even after dark! The pest came storming down in his truck right before dark, obviously a little tipsy and very mad, cussing up a storm, saying he was just in back complaining to the people about their dogs running loose all over this land and stirring up his own dogs. Apparently, they gave him a hard time, not surprisingly, insisting their dogs are little sweethearts. But they refuse to tie them up so obviously they don’t have a problem with someone getting fed up enough to shoot them.

Jesse said he was calling the cops and would send them down here so we could back him up, but they never came down. They only went up to his place which is fine with us. You know how we feel about pigs. The pest himself came down again, this time on the ATV, to ask that we call Animal Patrol if we see them. He said, “We could get in a brawl and I could go to jail,” which has probably happened before from the feeling I get, but as he added in the end, he’d rather they just keep the damn things tied up. So do we, but as we didn’t need to bother pointing out to him, people who let their dogs run loose in the first place could care less about what happens to them, or how their neighbors feel about it, and they’re not easily bullied by Animal Patrol either. Still, we’ll definitely call them.

I got the impression he was out all day today because there were tons of barking on and off all day that I feared the cooler weather would bring. It seems to be that we get engine-gunning when he’s here and barking when he’s not. And he’s not going to be here tomorrow. He’s FINALLY going back to work tomorrow, so he says. Hopefully, his extra income will make him all the more willing to work with us if we have any real setbacks, but with the call that came at 4:00, we’re hoping there won’t be any.

The temp agency called and asked for his resume to be sent to a company here in Auburn that makes ceramics. He’d be working 3rd shift, lifting and getting very dirty to the tune of $13.20 an hour. He’d settle for any job, but $13.20 an hour would be awesome! And it would enable us to move if things ever got ugly with the neighbor curse that obviously still hasn’t gone away, even if it’s not technically our neighbors. God, I hope there aren’t any real problems there! We don’t need to get caught in the middle of anyone else’s shit. We really want to stay here until and if we can own our place again.

Most of the morning I spent feeling stressed and doomed. I couldn’t help thinking that just when I was proud of myself for not getting anything but incense for several months, which doesn’t cost much, this shit has to happen. While there are always things we’d like to have, I have been disciplining myself really well and haven’t even wanted dolls lately. When we get so much of something, even if it’s a good thing, we tend to get sick of it. And I’ve definitely had my fill of dolls and my share of dusting them, too. So to be rewarded with financial ruin after being so good about saving, even if I don’t always get the cheapest groceries, would really suck.

To try to calm me and reassure me, Tom pointed out that I hadn’t had any death dreams, which was true. Then at around 10:00, the feeling of doom and gloom suddenly lifted. I didn’t exactly have any positive vibes either, and I still don’t since we’re not officially out of the woods until and if he’s hired before the money runs out, but then the call came and so hopefully he’ll start there real soon. No psychic is perfect, but I definitely have better feelings than I did earlier. He applied for jobs online, including Walmart, and plans to go out hunting in person tomorrow, but hopefully this company will save him the time and gas and just have him come in for an interview tomorrow morning. It would be awesome money, and we’d save a ton of gas. We don’t know if insurance is included, but if not, we should be able to save a hell of a lot faster to get me into a dentist with him working here for $13.20 than with him working in Rocklin for $10.

If Jesse’s working 1st shift, and if Tom works 3rd shift, that may keep Tom from being woken up by him since he’d do most of his sleeping during 1st shift hours. Of course, he could still be a pest after 3:00 or whenever it would be that he got home, plus weekends.

We saw tons of dead trees along the side of the drive when we went to the store and the mail place yesterday. I can see where it would be a lot of work and why it has to be done, too. Dead trees like that could fall across the drive or hit cars and cause all kinds of headaches.

The propane people had an emergency call today, so they said they’d be out first thing in the morning.

Meanwhile, I’m trying to have the positive attitude Tom wants me to have and consider the fact that it’s unlikely the temp lady would’ve asked that he submit his resume for this company if there wasn’t a good chance of him getting the job. I mean, certainly she’s got to have asked for it for a reason, right? Well, I’ll certainly be praying and doing spells!