It’s happening all over again, and once again this could be the beginning of the end for us. Just the other day I was telling Tom how it still seemed like he was forever trapped at Comtek without one of us winning big. He couldn’t get fired back when our lives were on the line last year and he’d be late due to lack of gas money, he couldn’t quit because no one else was hiring, and he couldn’t even get laid-off, which he said a part of him wished would happen since there’s a company right here in town that makes LCD lights for slot machines that are hiring that the same temp company is involved with. But you can’t have a temp company transfer you, so unless they laid him off, we knew he was pretty much stuck there until more people started hiring.

Well, they did lay him off. So we’re either on the path to something better for us or on the path to death if the money runs out before we can build ourselves back up since we both agreed we’re not going to live on the streets. I simply can’t. I’m just not cut out for that.

He’s got an application in for the Auburn job which pays a dollar more at $11, and while I know they could call him about it today and things could turn out amazingly well for us, things aren’t usually that easy for us. Or that quick. Things slowly get worse before they slowly get better. The problem is that while we have enough money for food and gas, we’ve only got half the rent money so far, so if things go too slow, we’re TOTALLY fucked. Unemployment would help us for no more than about a month. So here we are again, quite possibly back on death row, and all we can do is hope for a reprieve but try to focus on the good there would be in escaping this crazy world if we can’t go on and it’s either kill ourselves or be on the streets. I was the one who just said the other day how I sometimes thought of killing myself because of how twisted this world is. I was the one who said I didn’t want to grow old and arthritic, with no one to help us or care for us in any way.

Like any human being, I’d rather be able to live and be successful, but what’s meant to be is going to be no matter what. All we can do is try our best. I had stopped my daily prayers to God on Election Day because I was upset with Him for not helping gays. Well, coincidence or not, my ear and teeth have been bothering me since, and now this. So while I’m still upset with Him, and I’m still sorry gays are getting so shitted upon, I’ve got to think of Tom and I first. Tom said it wouldn’t hurt to pray for both. If praying to Him or to whatever forces may hear my prayers means making a better life for us, then so be it. I feel strange praying to something that could allow for the things that have happened to us and to others, but as I said, if that’s what it takes to keep things running smoother, then I shall pray every day as usual and hope that last year wasn’t just a preparation for what could come within a month or two from now.

Meanwhile, just in case Tom and I don’t get to ring in 2009 together, I’m doing what I did last year in the motel. I’m gathering contact info. I hate to put our suicides on Jesse if that’s what it’s going to come down to, but I’ll make sure I leave a note so that our families can access my online journals, our photos, and then decide what to do with our stuff and our bodies. I realize that my parents may want to bury me in Massachusetts while his mom may want him to return to Arizona, but we’re ok with that. When you’re dead, you don’t need your body anymore, so it won’t matter what anyone does with them.

I can’t believe this shit is happening all over again! And if we do survive this one, are we just going to be teased with our survival every year or so?! We also have to pay car insurance and get more propane this month, too.

I can’t help but think of something I’ve been saying for a long time now; that it’s only the good places that are hard to stay in. If this was a noisy apartment, would this be happening? I hate it when the dogs go off, and I hate it when Jesse guns his engines, but I certainly don’t hate it here overall.

Speaking of dogs, Tom said he heard one of them squealing in pain while I had the music on. I hope someone killed one of the renter’s dogs. Then again, if they hurt one of Jesse’s, maybe that’s what it’ll take for someone to finally do something about them.

I’m too stressed out to write much more at the moment!