Today ended up being a bit hectic for me, but not with work. Work was slow, but I was tied up with other things that I didn’t even get a chance to work out. For one, Jesse came down to inform us he’s to be laying down fake grass that they gave him at work in some areas to keep weeds from growing. So who knows how many days I’ll have to deal with the noise and distractions that’ll bring? Plus, he and his brothers and dad are going to cut and drag up some dead trees from down in the ditch in back of our place. No one lives down there or walks through there, but CA is picky about removing dead trees and keeping up on stuff like that.

Jesse says he’ll be at the bar partying, he says, and will be brought home in a taxi. I’d say by the way he was acting he’s already gotten a head start, too! The guy ain’t usually so jovial, LOL!

So it was a busy day, but it sure smelled good because my incense arrived.

I also got a nice card and a letter from Rosa. She says my letters always put a smile on her face and she’s hanging in there, doing the best one can do with so much prison time still ahead of her.

Got another nice surprise on Facebook from Maria, another girl from VH who asked if I were the one who used to sing and play guitar. I said yes, and she said we wrote a song together, but I thought she left before I did, even though the name did sound familiar, and told her that the song I wrote with the girl was called Carry Me Away. She sent another message saying she didn’t leave till a few months after I got there and that she was sure that was the song we wrote together. Although I no longer have the tape we made of us singing together, I still have the lyrics and I sent her a copy.

She confirmed that that was indeed the song she had me sing for her December graduation (they did graduations in December, June and August). I forgot about that, too! I remember writing the song (well, she did the lyrics and I did the music) but forgot that I did it for her graduation. I wish to hell I still had the tape! Our harmonizing came out beautifully. With her being a soprano and my being a contralto, we really complimented each other’s vocals nicely.

She said it really put a smile on her face and was glad to be in touch. Me too, and it was nice to finally be able to give half the credit to her, so to speak since I didn’t create the piece myself. I just never remembered her name!

The only thing I missed out on today was Duewi, but I know we’re not going to be able to catch each other every day. We can at least do emails every day, though. She said she wished I was just a hop, skip and jump away, but her dreams would have to be enough for her. As I told her, not being able to see her isn’t enough for me, but it is because it has to be. It may be a waste of time to do so, but I’ll always hope she’ll one day be able to visit if only for a day or two, but if that’s just a dream, then so be it.

I can totally see how easy it’d be for one to fall in love with a wonderful person such as she is. So no, it isn’t just a lust thing for me, but there’s definitely a lot of that in the picture, LOL! We let each other know what we plan to do in Never Never Land which she says she doesn’t like to wake up from. Tonight we are having a moonlight swim. One kiss leads to another, and then another… I’ll keep the rest a secret!

So 2009 wasn’t such a bad year after all. Yeah, there was some financial stress, and yeah my crazy sister and her kids drove me almost as crazy for a few months in cyberspace, and yeah Tom’s still jobless and collecting unemployment, but it sure was fun otherwise! I learned 3 new languages, even if I have a ways to go to achieve fluency. I found Rosa, then I found Eileen, and then came the icing on the cake – Duewi!

But what does this New Year hold for my hubby and me? Good things, I hope! And I hope this is the decade we once again own our own home and this time it’s forever.

FedEx failed to deliver my package today. They do this every time I get incense.

Today hasn’t been as hectic as yesterday because there wasn’t much work today and I haven’t chatted with Duewi. She just emailed me on her lunch break at work to say hi and let me know she’s hitting the books and averaging A’s and B’s in criminal justice. And I let her know I’m proud of her! I don’t care for her taste in music, but I too, love forensics and stuff like that. It’s very fascinating. The Manson case still intrigues me even to this day.

Duewi.

I can’t get that girl off my mind!

Maybe I can credit most of it to PMS, but I’m kind of bummed out right now knowing we can never see each other, not that I’m not excited about keeping in touch even if it can only be online.

Getting in touch with Duewi has brought a slew of “what if” questions racing through my mind. You know, those “what ifs” we all hate, but can’t help pondering at times. We all experience them – what if I had been rich? What if I had had kids? What if I hadn’t? What if I were still single? What if I married younger? What if I’d had a different career? What if I’d been straight/gay? What if I’d lived in a different state or never moved? What if, what if, what if???

I think we also go through a lot of phases where at the same time we wouldn’t give up what we do have in life, we also wish we could have other things as well, even if we never will.

Like sweet, sexy Duewi.

I love my husband and wouldn’t trade him for the world. I always swore I’d kill myself if he died before I did, and I would. Like most guys, he doesn’t know what the hell he’s doing in bed even if they like to think they do, but he’s incredibly smart and has always loved me just as I am. Not many people let other people be themselves to the degree that he does.

But no matter how content we may be, we sometimes wonder what might have been. What if I’d known of Duewi’s crush years ago? She believes I wouldn’t have broken her heart. Is she right? I’d like to think so, LOL! As unstable as I was, I wasn’t ready for a relationship until I was older, and I always did say that I was glad I didn’t meet Tom any younger (I was 27), even if I wish I’d always known him. I was also more attracted to other fems until my early 30s or so, then I started swinging more towards the more masculine type. Not super masculine that you have to ask yourself, is that a guy or a girl? But the ones where you can pretty much tell they’re gay, but not have to second guess what body parts they’re sporting. Us short fems like the idea of a taller, tougher woman they can feel safe with, same as straight women tend to want that in a man.

And so I will be left to forever do two things – wonder what might have been if Duewi and I could’ve been together at some point in our lives, and also be frustrated, and a little sad, that we’ll never see each other again. sniffles Oh, how I wish I could hug her! But it will only be in my mind that I picture us in various scenarios – hanging out, talking, taking a leisurely country stroll, listening to music, and yes, even the fun stuff.

I can’t think of anything I’ve learned about her so far that I don’t like except that she smokes. But as was the case with myself and many others, she’ll quit when she’s ready to.

I’m friends with some VH girls I never met, but a Valleyheader is a Valleyheader, and there is a degree of sisterhood between us either way. To me, they are all my sisters considering the hell most of us went through at VH, and even though some of them weren’t very nice. I didn’t experience some of the horrors others have come forth to say they’ve experienced, but even when nothing bad was actually happening, VH was a very sad, depressing and stressful place to be. The atmosphere was truly suffocating and totally dismal.

But with Duewi I feel as if I’ve known her forever. She’s surprised me, too. A lot of people who have a rough childhood tend not to be very smart when they get older, but Duewi’s actually pretty intelligent.

I don’t know if I’m just another chick she’s attracted to in her mind, or if I’m special and unique in any way, but she sure makes me feel like I’m special and unique. :) I like that she doesn’t seem to be into me just because of how I look, but because of me as a person. I used to hate that when some guy or chick just couldn’t see past my skin and would only go on and on about how hot I was, how I was the stuff fantasies were made of, etc. Don’t get me wrong, we like to hear this stuff. But some of us don’t want that to be the only thing we hear.

It flatters me to know that Duewi would defend me if someone tried to hurt me. Even she said she’d hunt them down, LOL, and I believe she would, too! So you better not try it cuz I’ve got major protection on my side!

I also wonder things like whether or not the crush lived on after VH or if I was put on the back burner of her mind until I jumped out at her in cyberspace. Guess I’ll have to ask her sometime.

I’m still kind of surprised a class action suit was never filed against VH. Shutting them down was great, but suing them would be even better.

Now that we’re doing better financially, even if I’m starting to think Tom will be on unemployment for the rest of his life, we’re probably going to go ahead and purchase a dental plan after all, though not for another month or two. He found a plan for $270 a year that includes exams and X-rays. And dad was right, too. Dentures would be $500 with this plan, though there are other plans that are cheaper but with dentures that cost twice as much. I forgot what fillings and extractions are, but it wasn’t much. Either way, I don’t think all my teeth can be saved forever. The enamel is just way too soft.

I’m too tired to make much of an entry, so I’ll just quickly say that Paul wished me a happy new year, and as always, it was nice to hear from him. He’s sort of down on his luck right now, so I’m trying to encourage him to keep his chin up and not hesitate to do what he’s got to do to get by.

As for my tall, dark, Italian hottie, we chatted and flirted again on Facebook, LOL! Oh, what we do in our x-rated imaginations! It sucks that she can’t just drive over, but we will always be buddies in cyberspace and in our hearts. Well, maybe a little more than friends, LOL.

She sent me a picture of her at Valleyhead with two other girls. They looked exactly as I remembered them to be. She also sent a couple of more recent shots. Damn, she aged well! Most people get fat with age, but not her. Her trailer’s a lot nicer than this piece of shit, too.

She shared more of her life with me.

Made pretty good money today, so I’m going to take a little break and unwind to some music.

Almost didn’t get to make an entry today between chatting with Duewi and doing a million other things, too. PMS has had me totally dragging and just trying to keep up with things has been tough. I haven’t had time to study languages or do much proofreading, but I will definitely have the new version of my autobiography posted on Blogger or MD or both in a month or two. I did update the Oregon blog, though.

I also managed to get some work done today as well as some laundry, and we went to the store to pick up a few things. I’m going to make egg drop soup again tomorrow. It is sooo good!

Jesse’s truck wasn’t visible when we came and went yet the dogs were amazingly quiet. Maybe someone else was there like his kid.

Ok, now onto the fun part of my day. Duewi. Sweet, hilarious Duewi! When I woke up this morning I had to ask myself if yesterday was just a dream, but when I saw her note waiting for me in cyberland I was grinning ear to ear, glad to see that the good-looking Italian named Marie with the shiny black hair that most people call Duewi was anything but a dream. I STILL can’t believe it! She’s totally the last one I would have expected to reunite with even if it’s 26 years later and in cyberspace. I’m still shocked to learn she had a crush on me all this time too, and that I didn’t see it back then. I don’t know why, but while I’m very good with people and sensing who’s aggressive, who’s mellow, who’s honest, who’s not; it seems I’m totally clueless when someone likes me unless they practically spell it out for me.

She’s totally my type too, so I WOULD learn about this long after getting married, LOL! She’s tall, dark and definitely tough enough for lil’ ole me to feel safe with. I got a kick out of how she said she could’ve bench pressed me when I first came into Valleyhead all anorexic at just 85 pounds, starved by my wonderful foster mom. Yeah, I believe it, too. I was pretty skinny.

She’s studying criminal justice. I told her I hate cops but love a babe in uniform, LOL!

I guess my hair was a trigger since she likes long brown hair and it was definitely pretty long back then. Not as insanely long as I usually had it from my late 20s to early 40s, but it was still below my waist. Anyway, she had to be discreet about noticing me so that Tammy, and then Judy, wouldn’t catch on.

Thinking back on it, this would explain Tammy and Judy’s coldness. They were never rude or mean to me, but they didn’t seem friendly at all when I’d be polite and say hello to them upon passing each other around the school and grounds. I was the “other” girl who didn’t know she was the other girl, LOL! I always figured she saw me as a little priss and basically looked at me like an older sibling might see a younger sibling that they didn’t want tagging along.

I am just so flattered that she feels the way she does about me, even though, as she herself says, it’s too late. But it will never be too late for Duewi to have a place in my heart forever and ever. eyes begin to water As well as in my very wild and creative imagination. grins

To know that she’d come and get me in a heartbeat if I were suddenly alone and homeless and within reach is quite an honor. I started to wonder why she never looked me up when I was still living there, alone, lonely and bored out of my mind most of the time like I was, but that would be kind of hard to do with an unlisted phone number, wouldn’t it?

She not only has the looks I like but seems like a great person as well. She still smokes, but she seems like a very easygoing person with a great sense of humor. She said she had a mean streak as a kid, though, and even did a few days in jail for an assault she didn’t remember. I guess she used to drink. But a connection high in ranks helped spring her out. I told her about my own little stint in jail as well.

With the way they had me doped up like a guinea pig, I don’t remember anything in particular she and I talked about other than when she asked me to take hers and Tammy’s picture. I asked her what she remembered us talking about and she said it was mostly about music since we had that much in common.

I asked if she remembered my deformed and deaf ear and she said yes, and when others would bitch about it and the trouble I had hearing, she’d tell them to shut their fucking mouths, LOL! Aw, how sweet.

I don’t remember the white quilted robe I was supposed to have worn a lot, but I do remember those bright red Chinos and a bright yellow pair as well.

Even though I think 125 pounds is too much for me, she assures me she’d follow me around like a puppy if she saw me on the street. Aw!

While I’m selective about what I write about that we discuss, I’m sure she wouldn’t mind me mentioning crazy Lisa. She wasn’t the scariest one there, but she was certainly the craziest. I guess she threw a toilet cover at Duewi and Duewi pinned her down until the staff could deal with her. I can totally picture Lisa doing that too, and then Duewi holding her. Duewi was never any chicken shit wimp. She was gutsy and tough. I, on the other hand, would be running so freaking fast in the opposite direction of some nutjob hurling a toilet cover at me! Definitely not something I’d have stuck around to do battle with, LOL!

Let’s see… what else? She too, is on 10 acres and her nearest neighbor is half a mile away. Ours is too, when you get Jesse out of the picture.

We exchanged a few jokes. I loved hers: What do two women need to get married?

The answer: A liquor license.

I’m too damn tired to think of anything else and do any more writing, so I’m going to call this an entry, which is plenty long enough, and probably end up meeting Duewi in some rather wet dreams tonight.

Just thought I’d do some writing and then some proofreading before either Jesse gets noisy or his dogs do. Whichever comes first.

Duewi is Marie’s nickname which I referred to as M in my last entry online. I let her know I don’t use last names and that I’d refer to her only by her nickname.

Anyway, you know you shared a certain hell together when you run into each other 26 years later in cyberspace and are instantaneously good buddies! Guess it’s something only those who went through what we went through could understand, but if Duewi were suddenly homeless and on the streets around here, you bet I’d go pick her up! Well, Tom would have to help since I don’t drive, LOL!

She said the last 8 years have been great for her, before that a distant memory. She asked if I remembered her and as I told her, I have an impeccable memory, so yes, I do remember her. I also remember Tammy and Judy, two different girls she used to hang out with. I even took hers and Tammy’s picture before Tammy left.

Like I said, we weren’t pals in any way. We were never roommates nor did we have any classes together that I remember, but we always got along.

She’s the only Valleyheader so far that I’ve been in touch with. I once looked up a few names, but I either didn’t get any hits or I got too many to be worth going through.

Later…

I hear Jesse sawing away at something right now. Why can’t the guy ever take a day off and stay home and INSIDE on weekends? I prefer him to stick around so the dogs don’t go crazy, but when he does, he makes a racket himself.

So anyway, I’m so happy to have Duewi as a friend! She is so cool. What’s more is that she’s surprising as hell, too. Yeah, I guess she wouldn’t mind my saying this, but when I asked if she remembered me, she said, “Sure I do. I had a huge crush on you.”

I was both shocked and flattered, alright. I had absolutely no idea she liked me. I knew she didn’t dislike me, but I thought I was just there as far as she was concerned. Just another spot on the wall.

She lives in New York now and understandably she prefers the East with it being more accepting of her lifestyle. It’s definitely more liberal there than here in conservative Cali!

She remembers my singing and playing the guitar, saying that despite the craziness there I could really break out that guitar and get singing! Yeah, music was pretty much all I had to keep my sanity, LOL!

Anyway, Duewi was what I’d describe as cute and tomboyish. She was tough but not mean. I always liked her smile. She’s Italian but doesn’t speak it. She had “the look” unlike my more feminine self and I can see where girls would’ve thrown themselves at her like crazy while short fems like myself were usually more of a hit with the guys, unfortunately, LOL! Bet I could still go hang out in a lesbo bar for hours and still not be approached. Hey, at 4’ 11”, 124 pounds, why would I?

During the time I was actually at Valleyhead, which was from ages 16-18, I was too young, dumb and naïve to put two and two together as far as who was gay. But once I got older and came out myself, I could look back and recognize which staffers and students were gay. There were actually several staff couples that formed there. Mary, the one I had a crush on, took up with Annie. Debbie, my therapist, took up with some guy and they got married. I know my other therapist, Lisa, was gay, along with Ellen, the owners’ daughter, and Jennifer. Duewi said she ran into Ellen after she left Valleyhead and was still in MA and learned she’d not only gotten with Jennifer but liked Duewi as well.

Well, like I said, I had no idea she liked me. Maybe that was because I was too busy paying attention to Mary. It’s kind of funny after all these years when you think about it. Duewi liked me while I liked Mary who liked Annie all the while Ellen liked Duewi!

She remembered a lot of the people and their names, saying the staff was cool to her, but she didn’t like some of the students. There were a few students I didn’t like either, but I thought some of the staff were crazier than some of the students. Donna, Margaret and Barbara were a nightmare! Other than Mary, Lisa and Michelle, one of the teachers, no one else really stands out as far as staff goes.

There was a little confusion for a minute there when I mentioned being the crazy window jumper and she said she “pulled me in in room 7, the room we shared.” I said, “It couldn’t have been me. I was never in room 7, never shared a room with her, and I assure her no one pulled me back when I flew outa room 13’s window!”

She got me mixed up with a girl named Doreen. I guess she too, tried to jump, desperate to get out of there. Then she ran away instead, never to be heard from or seen again. As far as I always knew, no one knew whatever became of her.

Anyway, it was really cool to chat on Facebook like we did. She too, lives in a trailer in the boonies with some girl and her sister.

It’s too bad we can’t run over for a visit. She is just so way cool. I meant it too, when I said I was flattered to learn she had a thing for me. She’d have been my last guess as to who I’d end up getting back in touch with from Valleyhead. I’d have guessed Denise, Stacey or Ethel. We hung out the most and were often roommates.

It’s as fun to have so many cyber friends as it is not to have so many friends close by in physical form where they could really be a pest. I still wouldn’t mind meeting a few of them in person if only for a day. My top 3 picks would be Duewi, Eileen and probably Paul.

I finally heard from Mary. Even though I figured she was just depressed, busy or both, I always worry when too much time passes between letters.

They threw her in lockdown for trying to send her lawyer a birthday card. That’s pretty fucked up, but I guess with her being new and all that they just had to prove a point.

She asked for my email so she could send me recent pictures of her. I guess she’s got internet access there. She’s enjoying the story I’m sending her. I’ll have two more to catch her up on after this one, then the scenes I’ve been working on with Paul.

She wants to write erotica with me as Gothic Beauty and share the earnings so she can have canteen money, but as I’ll have to tell her… A, I never heard back from them, and B, I’d hate to take risks like that. If the prison ever got wind of it that she was making money her ass would be grass and they’d be the lawnmower! I wouldn’t mind posting a story of hers on the free rating site, though, and it wouldn’t have to be lesbian erotica not that she’d care either way.

She’s looking forward to getting a degree as a paralegal and taking the first step toward becoming a victim’s advocate. She’s learning Spanish, too.

It turns out that Selena’s killer was just some sicko pretending to be her killer. Yeah, I knew they were just putting her on and that the real killer was in Texas.

So life is going a lot better for me these days. I just wish it wasn’t so cold!

On this sunny, green, warm Christmas I’ve decided to add the crazy places I was in as a kid to the My Childhood section of my autobiography which I’m rearranging and editing.

Then again, I wouldn’t go so far as to say it’s warm. It’s 78º inside, but only 60º outside.

I was just stepping out of the shower when I heard the bulldozer. What in the world Mr. King of the Hill would be doing on that thing at 9am on Christmas was beyond me. He took off shortly after in the truck and left us with the dogs. I had to put things on to drown them out. I figured he’d go somewhere today.

When I got up and the rats were begging it looked almost like a choreographed dance with the way they were swaying back and forth in time together. It was hilarious!

I learned how to make my own egg drop soup. All you do is beat an egg, then slowly pour it into egg drop soup mix once it starts boiling. I always wondered how they made the stuff.

So it turns out that there was this link I didn’t notice the first time around at the Valleyhead group on Facebook. It actually took me to another Valleyhead group on classmates.com where I recognized a few names. I sent a friend invite to a couple of them and wrote a note on my profile page there saying that since I couldn’t leave links there, they could look me up on Facebook and that I had a link to my journal there as well.

Then today I got a friend invite on Facebook from a name I didn’t recognize at first, then I realized that the person’s nickname was familiar. When I saw the picture I knew it was Marie D. I was too young and naïve to realize it at the time, but she was gay. We were never really friends, but we never had any problems either and so it was really cool to get her friend invite.

I joined the Valleyhead group on Facebook, but the group seems fairly new and I don’t recognize any of the names of the members.

I must be getting more interesting, LOL, since every time I tweet lately I get a new follower.

Raley’s, one of the local grocery stores here, has an awesome site where you can see exactly what’s in stock, what things are going to cost, and even read nutrition labels if you’re counting calories. It might actually save us money this way as opposed to going to Wal-Mart which we have to go all the way into Roseville to get to. The convenience alone would be worth it.

My story is now #4, even though it has a higher rating than the #1 story which has been broken for ages. It’s a strange site at times.

I signed a petition against vetoing the legalized gay marriage in DC, but I don’t see what good it will do. As soon as they get their rights, the bigots take them away. It’s only a matter of time before they’re once again denied their rights nationwide. This is why I no longer get excited when a new state grants them equality. Why give someone something just to take it away? People are awful. Just awful. It’s why I have just a few handfuls of friends. Not everyone out there is bad, but most people make me sick to my stomach. Rats usually make better friends than people!

So the balloon hoax parents got just days in jail while I got months for a fictitious letter. I wish I HAD written the damn letter! Better yet, I wish I’d written hundreds!

My story is back in 2nd place and I decided to submit another one just to see if it does as well. It hasn’t been posted yet.

Meanwhile, I’m in a state of neitherness and neverness right now, you could say. I’m neither fat nor thin. I’m neither happy nor sad. I’m neither well off financially or broke. I could go on and on with more “neithersome” situations, but won’t bother.

As for my state of “neversome,” I feel like there will NEVER be jobs in this area and we will NEVER get ahead. This forced welfare bum situation we’re in really gets old, and being stuck on unemployment is about as close as you can get to being just that! A government-supported bum.

But MT is continuing to supplement us quite well. We’re actually only making about $150 less than he made in Oregon, and he made good money there. Only catch is that our rent is now $825 and not $450. Still, I made $12 in less than 5 minutes yesterday by simply taking a picture of myself in lingerie, then having Tom take one of me standing outdoors holding up a sign saying, “Merry Christmas, Crystal. Auburn, USA.” Don’t know what this was supposed to be for, but it was an easy job and so I did it after writing the words in thick dark block letters on a piece of white cardstock.

Read up on slander/libel laws. Slander is a very hard thing to prove the same as discrimination. When you’re dealing with what’s mostly hearsay and opinions, things can get tricky. That’s why I can’t sue the media for the pack of lies they printed about me or the people who told them the lies. I can’t prove what they said is bullshit like one can prove that the Statue of Liberty truly exists. That’s easy. But when you get into people’s opinions, it’s a lot tougher. It isn’t merely an opinion that the Statue of Liberty exists, but a visible fact. So you have to A, prove beyond a reasonable doubt that the person’s belief or opinion is true. Then B, you have to prove that it was directly responsible for hurting the person’s business, reputation or health in some way.

Go out and buy a lottery ticket. You have a much better chance there!

Same goes for child abuse. Suspicions and past accusations won’t get you very far. The social workers aren’t stupid; they know what’s going on. But unless a parent or guardian smacks a child right under their nose, it’s almost impossible to get one’s kids removed from them, and their past won’t usually give you much ammo. People have tried to use my own past against me and I myself tried to beat a few others over the head with their pasts as well and it didn’t get us anywhere in the end.

Again, try the lotto instead.

If your record has been expunged of any convictions or judgments, that’s what you need to show in cases where it matters. Court documents always remain online or at least publicly accessible in some way. No matter what you may’ve been vindicated of, there will always be a record available on the case itself.

I can totally understand the feeling of having intense anger, resentment, frustration and more that can have an accumulative effect on one’s life as each incident and or trauma adds up. I have been attacked, put down, ripped off, lied to and nearly raped in the late 80s. I often think it may be a good thing that I was half the bitch I am today and half as brave, for I may very well have gone out, gotten a gun, and shot some of the assholes that fucked me over, particularly the would-be rapist I cried AIDS to, thus landing my ass in prison no matter how many people may’ve agreed with my actions at least from a non-legal point of view.

I not only have to live with the evil deeds done to me but with my own mistakes as well. I lied about being raped as a kid when all it really was was a case of bad sex. The guy couldn’t even get it in there, and I, unable to say “no” was left feeling ashamed as kids often feel after having sex or trying to, even if they consented to it in the first place. Still, it’s something I’ll always have to live with, though unbeknownst to me at the time, the exam I had afterward would’ve shown that I was still a virgin.

My maternal grandmother was not at all a nice lady and definitely a lousy mother. Her meanness led to one equally mean daughter and one equally mean son. Yet I have to live with the fact that I made prank phone calls to her just days, maybe even hours, after my parents discovered her dead inside her home, just 6 months after losing her husband, my grandfather.

So while I may have learned a lot in life and have been tested by the government to be well within the genius range, I’m no stranger to many of the fuck-ups and emotions that many of you have either asked me about or have talked about from your own experiences.

I know I shouldn’t do this, after all, I was totally naïve to the law, especially in Arizona, but I still beat myself up for not “fighting back,” so to speak, and feel like I let the sickos we lived with fuck me over. Full disclosure: No, the truth will NOT always set you free. And no, cooperation and kindness won’t always be in your best interest. Yet “You should’ve kept your mouth shut,” and “You should’ve fought back,” and “You should’ve represented yourself,” and “You should’ve researched your rights and insisted on going to trial,” and “You should’ve never gone to court in the first place,” still runs through my mind even to this day.

“Quit kicking yourself in the ass for what you didn’t know because it’s done and over and can’t be undone or changed. What happened to you wasn’t your fault. You did nothing wrong and you certainly wouldn’t have deserved the sentence you got even if you had written the damn letter. You were naïve to the law and the law took advantage of that,” is what I should tell myself, but it’s just not always so easy.

I’ve been asked what I think you should do and how I think you should feel in light of traumatic or tough experiences. Well, first off, no one can tell you how to feel as there is no right or wrong emotion, but I can say this much: Don’t try to sugarcoat the wrongdoings of other people. If they fucked you over, they fucked you over. Period. If you feel you’ve been victimized – that’s enough. Never bother trying to justify it or make excuses for it. What happened, happened.

No, I wouldn’t take in any children if a friend or relative had kids they no longer could care for for whatever reason. Since deciding, in the end, to skip motherhood so as to keep my freedom, taking in other people’s kids would kind of defeat that purpose, selfish of me or not, LOL!

Oh, and yes, I removed my extended autobiography because I am a better writer than I was 8 years ago when I first began it. Therefore, I think it can be better written and so I may rewrite at least parts of it. I just don’t know when.

Paul, AKA Mitch, the UK novelist I mentioned before who befriended me on Bookmania, has been working with me. He edited a small portion of my story for me to show me a better way to do it and OMG! He did a fantastic job!

Later…

Got paid $10 to enter a lingerie contest for a $100 GC! My picture was accepted and submitted just now. I’m wearing a sparkly bra in the picture. Hope I win! A woman can always use new bras and panties. It’s a random-draw contest that ends at the end of the year.

I lost 3 pounds in 2 days since I started doubling up on the oolong tea and running more.

My story fell to #11. The first 10 must have super high ratings because mine still has a 4.41 rating out of 5 stars.

Once again I don’t have much else to say. Life hasn’t been boring, but it’s been slow and predictable.

My story keeps bouncing between 2nd and 3rd place and now has over 7000 views.

We’re back to not needing heat in the afternoons. It got in the high 70s in here yesterday, but we’re going to get some more rain soon enough.

We ordered a cheap pair of reading glasses online. They’re pink too, and they’re also kids’ glasses.

I’m relieved to know they extended unemployment benefits and that we’re set at least till the middle of summer, but I’d rather the damn jobs come back to this area! How many more months – or years – is this shit going to go on? While I hate being stuck in a rut of any kind, being stuck jobless in the peaceful woods in a cozy little trailer sure does beat being stuck in motels!

Wish I had more to say, but I don’t. Guess I’ll get back to work.

Here I am in my little pink Kidco glasses. There are both good and bad I can say about them. Well, there’s still nothing like not needing glasses in the first place. I miss those days! But they’re never returning so I just gotta deal with it. I still don’t like the feeling of something sitting on my nose even if it now weighs 17 grams and not 27 grams. The other negative is that I will need the other glasses the doctor recommended because these glasses are really best for long-distance and just walking around in or going out. Everything sure does look great at a distance! My long-distance vision wasn’t as good as I thought it was. I thought it was still 20/20, but it wasn’t quite there after all.

The only problem I have with these glasses is reading, but after wearing them a while and letting my eyes have time to relax and quit naturally trying to squint and focus, the monitor isn’t so blurry. I will still need reading glasses for reading fine print or doing things like sewing, so we’re going to get a pair online. While I wore these glasses, I held up various pairs of reading glasses to get a sense of what would be best for reading. These, plus weak reading glasses, seem to be good enough for me. We found a place online where we can get them for just $15 - $20 including shipping. And even lighter ones too, at 13 grams.

Swapped a few messages with Eileen like we usually do every week or two. She too, agrees with me as far as the injustices of the world go and is really into meditation. She teaches a meditation class each week.

Not much else going on. Just working and doing the things I usually do.

You know you worked out hard when the shower feels sooo good upon entering it! I realized that a part of why I’ve been up a few pounds isn’t just because of overeating, but because I’ve been slacking off with the exercise. For some reason, I tend to stick to running better than riding. I guess I just like running better. So I ran about a mile and a half, then rode an additional mile and a half.

I ate my way up to 128 pounds, even though I look 10-15 pounds lighter since I’m muscular. I’m going to try my hardest not to go over 1000 calories today.

Been making decent money, said hello to Eileen, who says she loves her new lifestyle being so close to Boston and who was in NYC for shopping, eating and shows, and am going to get in some writing tonight.

The motel dreams have shifted to apartment/tooth house dreams, whatever the hell that means.

It made it into the 60s today. I just hope it doesn’t snow again or get into the 20s! That’s so not supposed to happen here!

Gotta do 100 or so ab crunches.

Been busy making money off of criminals, LOL! Yeah, today’s job is comparing mug shots.

Placed my $88 incense order (including shipping) and after getting a few more things we could use, it’s off to save up a storm. That should be fast and easy enough if I keep making the kind of money I’ve been making lately.

Still have that mysterious pain on my lower right side. The only thing that shoots the theory that it’s connected to ovulation is A, it always comes a few days prior to mid-cycle, and B, we’re supposed to rotate sides every month. Yet the pain is coming almost every month now, at the exact same time of the month, is getting more intense, and lasts for three days. It starts off mild, then gets worse and worse, then it suddenly disappears. Last time I slept it woke me up.

Tom said it was quiet all day and I said, of course it was, I slept most of the day so Jesse was probably home. Yet he said his truck wasn’t there when he went out walking, so who knows for sure what’s going on?

There’s been tons of Turk work, so I haven’t done much writing of any kind, though I finally took another German lesson after slacking off for a while. I’m 60% through 102 with a score of 91%.

My story is back to #2 and has over 5000 views.

Tomorrow or the next day I’ll be making a huge incense order. Along with some old favorites, I’ll be getting:

Anyway, Mr. King of the Hill kept his damn dogs quiet Saturday, but Tom said they went crazy for a couple of hours before I got up. He doesn’t mind the noise being from Arizona and having grown up with excessive barking, but I’m sure it would’ve driven me crazy. It’s highly distracting and annoying to most of us who grew up where most dogs are house pets. I did hear a little of it after I got up. Tom said it sounded like there was a huge dogfight, but we haven’t seen the dogs from in back, and it’s hard to believe Jesse’s dogs would suddenly attack each other. I think they just don’t like being left alone, for some reason, between late October and mid-April. I don’t know what the connection is, but I’m positive that all the barking has to do with his not being there during those months because when he is there during those months, it’s quiet. And it’s almost always quiet from mid-April to late October, whether he’s there or not. Still, I WISH somebody would MAKE this cock CONTROL his own fucking dogs!

It rained like crazy for two days. I think it’s drying up now, though, and is to be in the 50s all week.

I decided not to get any more of that special toothpaste. I don’t want to do anything to delay my teeth from rotting and falling out so I can be done with the damn things and the pain they bring once and for all.

The eye exam is over, and after hours and hours of barking, I’m now enjoying nothing but the sound of the rain falling on the roof. And the snow has FINALLY melted!

I got both good/bad news from the eye doctor today. The good news is that there’s nothing seriously wrong with my eyes other than the farsightedness that usually comes with age. Also, my eyes do well with corrective lenses and can see 20/20 with them.

The bad is that I need glasses all the time and so he recommended both distance and progressive lenses. We’re going to start with just the distance lenses first and see if I’m comfortable enough with just those. If I feel I need progressives, we’ll get them online where they’re cheaper.

The exam was $58, the frames were $20, and the prescription itself put the final total up to $141. A little more than we expected, but well worth it to see better without having to use these cheap, heavy, bulky reading glasses I’ve been using. I just have to wait a week for them.

I ended up picking out pink metallic frames that are flexible and scratch-resistant. I got kids’ frames because I’m so small that the kids’ frames fit my head/face better than the adult frames. They had some ENORMOUS frames that practically cover half your face – yuck! If your glasses are the first thing you want people to notice about you, they’re the ones to get. I, however, not only never liked the way oversized glasses look, but always thought those were for hypochondriacs and sympathy junkies that want you to really notice their need for glasses and to feel bad for them.

I’d love to one day get up the nerve to try contacts. To be able to have different colored eyes each time I changed them would be awesome! I loved the bright blue, violet and deep brown shades they had. Anything’s better than these puke olive green eyes I’ve got. They’re as bad as gray eyes.

The receptionist did the first part of the exam where they test the pressure behind your eyes by blowing puffs of air in them and that sort of thing. I was glad I’d already picked out the frames I wanted by the time the doctor used the drops to dilate my pupils to check for glaucoma since that made my vision even blurrier. Fortunately, it’s been cloudy and rainy so I didn’t need to use the sunglasses they gave me.

We were going to grab a couple of wireless speakers for $100 or so and put one in the kitchen and one in the bathroom for listening to music in those rooms, but instead I think I’ll just crank up the stereo when I want to hear it in other rooms or use the iPod if Tom’s sleeping. So that I can shower in peace when the dogs are at it, I threw the sound machine in there. Sleeping with the white noise from the radio keeps things like the motorcycle and our insanely loud microwave from waking me up, so I don’t really need it in there anyway.

Another freezing night in the 20s. Yup, we should’ve gone to San Diego. This is supposedly our last night of freezing for a while, though. There’s a storm out over the Pacific that’s supposed to rain on us for a few days starting on Friday.

The Klammers were -6º this morning, LOL! We should now be above freezing. Since it’s to get a little warmer today, hopefully the remaining patches of evil snow will be history after having to see the shit for three days!

My story keeps jumping and dropping. Right now it’s in 3rd place with over 3457 views.

I still won’t believe anything till I see it actually happen, but Tom says they’re talking about lowering the Medicare age to 55 and expanding the Medicaid income range to 42K. That would be wonderful since in this day and age I not only doubt will ever own a place again, but am just about positive we’ll never make over 42K. I doubt we’ll ever make over 30K. Like it or not we were meant to be as poor as I was meant to be short and he was meant to be tall. I’ll live and die a very poor woman, but I won’t always be uninsured. I just don’t think we’ll be insured anytime soon. I’ve gone this long without doctors and dentists. So why start now? I do have to make an appointment for an eye exam and glasses, though, which I’ll probably do next week.

I should have the rest of the not-so-fun times at the duplex posted in my Oregon blog either today or tomorrow. Then it’s on to what would be one of our best times in life. Cold, but fun.

All is well except for the weather. The summer may’ve been longer, but this winter’s definitely been much worse. Snow and temperatures in the 20s are practically unheard of around here. The snow couldn’t melt completely yesterday because the sun wasn’t out long enough. I don’t think it’s even going to finish melting off today, I’m sorry to say. It’s been sunny all day, but it barely made it over freezing. I can’t believe it got this cold this fast. It totally sucks! We left the sinks dripping last night. I wish we’d gone to San Diego. Although Tom has a point in saying that he doesn’t know that he’d have been able to get so much overtime like he was getting back in the motel in order to qualify for so much unemployment. Had it not been for that we’d be getting closer to $200 a month instead of $300 and there’s no way we could’ve made it on that. Especially without knowing about MT. Still, this weather sucks! I didn’t come here for cold and snow!

Later…

I was only able to write the above paragraph when the power went out. It was out for an hour and a half. Fortunately, it came back on before it could drop below 68º in here.

Ah, electricity. Can’t imagine life without it, and when I think of those who don’t have it, I realize God doesn’t hate me so much after all.

Incredibly, my paragraph remained intact, but hey, a $1200 Mac ought to be good for saving and backing up stuff, right?

It was an amazingly quiet day today. I didn’t think Jesse worked, but Tom said he didn’t think he was home when he went out earlier himself. But the guy let us know he was home when the power went out, of course, and took the opportunity to go engine-gunning and ATVing around here if not just so he could be heard, then maybe gathering firewood. As I said this is a hell of a winter we’re having. We’re not supposed to have much of a winter here in the first place!

Now he’s out there sawing. sighs There isn’t much light left out there so hopefully he won’t be buzzing away for too long, though I could always turn the sound machine on if he gets too distracting.

Anyway, I’m just glad it wasn’t the -1º it was in K-Falls this morning!

Heard about 4 shots fired today too, but couldn’t say where it was.

Tom brought the Nikita doll to the post office to be shipped off to Australia now that we finally got paid for it.

Got a letter from Rosa, along with a beautiful birthday card she made me that probably arrived on my birthday or the day after.

Our new fryer came today and it’s way nicer than the other one. We made French fries today. Can’t wait to make chicken wings next!

My patchouli incense also arrived, along with a couple of samples. This time it was lavender dishwashing liquid that smelled lemony (yuck) and Olay body wash.

Later…

God, it’s taking me forever to write this entry! I got hungry and had to go have some fried rice.

Now I’m hearing shots again. Who the hell would be shooting in the dark? There were about a dozen shots this time, but it’s definitely not loud enough to be the people in back. No one in their right mind does target practice in the dark, so maybe a coyote or something is threatening their livestock.

At least Jesse’s packed it in for the day.

Okay, time to call it an entry and move on!

Oh, no! Oh, no, no, no, no. Why oh why does the past always come back to haunt me? Tom thinks it’s hilarious, of course, but getting half a foot of snow, even if it’ll all be melted off in an hour or two, does NOT sit well with me! I so did NOT come here for this shit! We should’ve gone down further like to the Central Valley or something. Even LA would be better than this. After all, there are too many people here anyway. All the natives are probably getting a kick out of this since you so seldom get even a dusting here.

Tom said yesterday that they were predicting 3-4 inches as low as 1000 feet which is right about where we’re at. So I woke up to pee at 4:30 and the place was glowing like it does at the crack of dawn. At first I was confused as to why it’d be that light that early. Then I realized that of all the times the weather forecast is wrong this, unfortunately, was not one of them. So I dove back under the covers till 8:30, shortly before Tom got up. He was laughing and saying how cool it was and how he loves variety. And I wish it were 100º every day!

It’s melted somewhat since at first the entire face of my howling coyote was completely covered with snow. Now it just has snow in its mouth. Half the shed’s roof is now exposed, too.

The only good in it is that it kept Jesse out of work, giving me three quiet days in a row instead of two. Not cuz of the snow itself, but because he couldn’t get out. He said all morning long he could hear trees snapping under the weight of the snow. These kinds of trees, which differ from what’s up in the high country, weren’t exactly made to take a lot of snow, which turned out to be more like 5-6 inches. So Jesse’s been cutting and dragging trees away with the ATV for the last few hours since there were fallen trees all along the drive. Fortunately, we didn’t have to be anywhere today.

My story fell to 12th place, then jumped back up to 8th place. It now has over 3000 views and still no word from the publishers.

Spoke to my folks after yesterday’s entry, but not for long. They didn’t say much but sound like they’re doing well. I thanked them for the card and money and that was pretty much it.

I love my new slippers, girly or not with their purple furry pom-poms. They sure are comfy and do a great job of keeping my feet warm.

It’s so nice to wake up to a quiet, peaceful morning. But I know Jesse’s going to take off sooner or later and leave us with at least a few hours of barking.

Knowing I’m now past the halfway mark in my life (at least I should be) is both strange and comforting to know. Perhaps there’s a degree of comfort since life and the world in general seems to have more bad in it than good. Here, two consenting adults can’t marry each other if they’re the same gender, but in some other countries, they marry off 8-year-olds – WTF??? And then there’s the story of this escaped cop killer whose friends and family gave him hundreds of dollars on the run, yet if I, a law-abiding citizen, suddenly needed hundreds of bucks, no one would give me shit. So that’s the bright side to being over the halfway point, along with the fact that each year I get a little smarter. :)

While my face may look its age, my body sure doesn’t! It looks about 15 years younger. I’m definitely in killer shape for 44!

Eileen sent a ‘Happy Birthday’ message this morning. Tom’s still asleep. Not sure what we’re going to do today. It’s only 9am here now, so I’ve got time to decide. We talked about getting each other birthday/holiday treats somewhere but might wait till the end of the month and take advantage of the sales they’ll have then.

My story dropped from 2nd to 4th place but jumped in views to 3233 views. I wish the publishers at the other place would hurry up and either accept or reject my manuscripts!

My French bread pizza should be ready in a few minutes, so bye-bye!

Later…

Today turned out to be relaxing, but fun. I coaxed myself away from work and we went out for a couple of hours. We first went to Kmart where I got new slippers. They’re girls’ slippers, but cute and comfy. I also got some perfume knock-offs, caramel candy and mango gum. Then we picked up the mail since we were in the area. There was a nice card with $20 from my folks. We took it to KFC!

I’ve received a slew of birthday wishes from real friends and cyber friends, and am now on a sugar high that’s quickly turning into a sugar crash. Tom’s already passed out, LOL! Think I’ll go join him.

Hey, wow! I got a birthday card today from Eileen. How sweet of her to remember and to care. My birthday isn’t actually until tomorrow, so if anything comes to the mail place then, I won’t know about it till next week. We usually go every Thursday. However, our new deep fryer is scheduled for delivery next Tuesday, so we’ll go then.

I’ll turn the ringer on the landline in case my parents call tomorrow. We usually keep it off with all the sales and wrong-number calls we get.

When ordering the deep fryer, we had to have a certain amount of purchases ($30, I think) to qualify for free shipping, so Tom grabbed me some patchouli incense.

Amazingly, my story is now #2 on the list and now with a rating of 4.44 out of 5 stars and 1990 views. Am I really that good?! Well, as long as the publishers at the other site think so, that’s all that matters. They’re the ones with the money.

We’re going to freeze this Saturday night – ugh! That’s bad enough, but I’m sure glad we’re not up in K-Falls. They’re now hitting the single digits!

Mitch posted my journal link on his site. I got a kick out of how he says “For a unique insight into US trailer life…” Yeah, it’s unique, alright! laughs

My story at the erotica site that posts for free now has a 4.36 out of 5-star rating and is now the 9th story on the first page, but is not on the Top Ten Story list.

Haven’t heard anything yet from the publishers on the erotica site that pays its authors.

Anyway, Mitch is super cool and is working with a well-known illustrator right now, doing some layouts, as well as working on his own novels. He also does some editing and reviewing for some of my writing as well.

My brain is saying, “Get to work!” My PMS-fatigued body is saying, “Just laze around in bed all day.”

I’m doing a mix of both, glad to see it’s a slow workday so far. Especially after making over $40 in just two days. Since I took my next German lesson (I’m 54% through German 102 with a score of 91%) I might do some writing.

Thanks to Swagbucks, our new deep fryer is on its way!

We’re now also on Step 2. Step 1 was to get the Mac back. Step 2 is to get some things we need and want. Then Step 3 will be when we start saving up a storm, hoping to cover our asses should our lovely government decide to cut our checks before the jobs return to those of us lost out here in the Sierras.

I still exchange messages with Mitch every so often. I don’t know him, but the more we chat, the more he seems like a really great guy. Dedicated to his work, his kids, friendly, honest, etc.

Made $30 yesterday on MT! And it was such simple work that took no time at all.

I recorded my language lessons. It still amazes me to know I can sit and listen to hours of words and dialog in Italian, Portuguese, German, and of course Spanish, and know what they’re saying!

Still waiting on whether or not they’re going to accept my manuscripts, though I’m still doubtful. Just going by the odds. Even if it’s not a full-length novel to be printed into paperbacks or hardcovers or a lot of money at stake, it’s still NOT easy to get a publisher to accept a manuscript!

Later…

It was so nice to go to bed with 21¢ in my account after I transferred money to the card, then to wake up to find I had $33 in the account! I’m nearly $100 ahead of my goal. I was thinking I’d only be able to make $80 - $100 a month, but I’m making closer to $150 a month, so I can’t complain there! And today I’ve got $10 in the making for writing articles and comparing machine-translated sentences. It helps make up for the 5-hour barking sprees I have to deal with nearly every fucking day. It’s ridiculous. Just totally ridiculous that we “happen” to get hit with this every single place we go, common in the West or not.

So Mitch, who is what that writer I’m friends with prefers to go by, was truly correct in saying that writing is 10% imagination and 90% perseverance, after saying he wishes I wouldn’t sell myself short. Right now I just want to wait and see what the publishers say, and then I’ll focus on whatever I feel is best to focus on, depending on whether they accept/reject my manuscript. I just know they’re SUPER picky! But even if they tell me to take a hike, I’ll always write because it’s what I enjoy doing. No one keeps a journal for 22 years and writes 17 stories that doesn’t like writing!

I’m just picky myself as to who I share them with. I prefer to mostly share them with friends than post them for free. It’s easy to share my life as opposed to sharing stories because of the work involved in writing the stories versus journals. It’s hardly any work to write in my journal that I made some chicken and mashed potatoes and worked out afterward. Writing a story, however, takes a lot more work. And so to get paid for it for once would be awesome!

I’ll be keeping my fingers crossed. At this site, stories are sort of like ebooks, though they’re free to read. The only difference is that the authors get paid for their work as opposed to volunteering it. There’s no downloading or printing involved, though readers can print whatever they want. At least the writers don’t have to worry about going “out of print!”

Today, however, I’m not writing much. I hate to pass up good money when it’s available so I’m working on and off throughout most of the day. I like both good and slow days at work. The good days are obviously good because of the money. But the slow days allow me to catch up on other things.

My story on the free site still has 4 stars but is up to 1594 views. Who are all these people reading these stories?! LOL

It’s so nice to once again feel hopeful, happier, and like I have a reason to get up each day. Hell, I don’t even hate my sister so much anymore (not that I want to be buddies)! For a while there I felt so stuck in a rut and like there was nothing to look forward to. I feel traces of those old feelings of the peace that comes with having extra money like we did during those fun times in Maricopa and Oregon. I really wasn’t kidding when I said we usually have money. Since starting my online journal, however, I’ve done nothing but bitch about money, for the most part, so I can see where one may think otherwise, but seriously, I’m a spoiled bitch who’s used to having money to pamper herself with. Only this time around she’s going to do more saving than pampering!