FedEx failed to deliver my package today. They do this every time I get incense.

Today hasn’t been as hectic as yesterday because there wasn’t much work today and I haven’t chatted with Duewi. She just emailed me on her lunch break at work to say hi and let me know she’s hitting the books and averaging A’s and B’s in criminal justice. And I let her know I’m proud of her! I don’t care for her taste in music, but I too, love forensics and stuff like that. It’s very fascinating. The Manson case still intrigues me even to this day.

Duewi.

I can’t get that girl off my mind!

Maybe I can credit most of it to PMS, but I’m kind of bummed out right now knowing we can never see each other, not that I’m not excited about keeping in touch even if it can only be online.

Getting in touch with Duewi has brought a slew of “what if” questions racing through my mind. You know, those “what ifs” we all hate, but can’t help pondering at times. We all experience them – what if I had been rich? What if I had had kids? What if I hadn’t? What if I were still single? What if I married younger? What if I’d had a different career? What if I’d been straight/gay? What if I’d lived in a different state or never moved? What if, what if, what if???

I think we also go through a lot of phases where at the same time we wouldn’t give up what we do have in life, we also wish we could have other things as well, even if we never will.

Like sweet, sexy Duewi.

I love my husband and wouldn’t trade him for the world. I always swore I’d kill myself if he died before I did, and I would. Like most guys, he doesn’t know what the hell he’s doing in bed even if they like to think they do, but he’s incredibly smart and has always loved me just as I am. Not many people let other people be themselves to the degree that he does.

But no matter how content we may be, we sometimes wonder what might have been. What if I’d known of Duewi’s crush years ago? She believes I wouldn’t have broken her heart. Is she right? I’d like to think so, LOL! As unstable as I was, I wasn’t ready for a relationship until I was older, and I always did say that I was glad I didn’t meet Tom any younger (I was 27), even if I wish I’d always known him. I was also more attracted to other fems until my early 30s or so, then I started swinging more towards the more masculine type. Not super masculine that you have to ask yourself, is that a guy or a girl? But the ones where you can pretty much tell they’re gay, but not have to second guess what body parts they’re sporting. Us short fems like the idea of a taller, tougher woman they can feel safe with, same as straight women tend to want that in a man.

And so I will be left to forever do two things – wonder what might have been if Duewi and I could’ve been together at some point in our lives, and also be frustrated, and a little sad, that we’ll never see each other again. sniffles Oh, how I wish I could hug her! But it will only be in my mind that I picture us in various scenarios – hanging out, talking, taking a leisurely country stroll, listening to music, and yes, even the fun stuff.

I can’t think of anything I’ve learned about her so far that I don’t like except that she smokes. But as was the case with myself and many others, she’ll quit when she’s ready to.

I’m friends with some VH girls I never met, but a Valleyheader is a Valleyheader, and there is a degree of sisterhood between us either way. To me, they are all my sisters considering the hell most of us went through at VH, and even though some of them weren’t very nice. I didn’t experience some of the horrors others have come forth to say they’ve experienced, but even when nothing bad was actually happening, VH was a very sad, depressing and stressful place to be. The atmosphere was truly suffocating and totally dismal.

But with Duewi I feel as if I’ve known her forever. She’s surprised me, too. A lot of people who have a rough childhood tend not to be very smart when they get older, but Duewi’s actually pretty intelligent.

I don’t know if I’m just another chick she’s attracted to in her mind, or if I’m special and unique in any way, but she sure makes me feel like I’m special and unique. :) I like that she doesn’t seem to be into me just because of how I look, but because of me as a person. I used to hate that when some guy or chick just couldn’t see past my skin and would only go on and on about how hot I was, how I was the stuff fantasies were made of, etc. Don’t get me wrong, we like to hear this stuff. But some of us don’t want that to be the only thing we hear.

It flatters me to know that Duewi would defend me if someone tried to hurt me. Even she said she’d hunt them down, LOL, and I believe she would, too! So you better not try it cuz I’ve got major protection on my side!

I also wonder things like whether or not the crush lived on after VH or if I was put on the back burner of her mind until I jumped out at her in cyberspace. Guess I’ll have to ask her sometime.

I’m still kind of surprised a class action suit was never filed against VH. Shutting them down was great, but suing them would be even better.

Now that we’re doing better financially, even if I’m starting to think Tom will be on unemployment for the rest of his life, we’re probably going to go ahead and purchase a dental plan after all, though not for another month or two. He found a plan for $270 a year that includes exams and X-rays. And dad was right, too. Dentures would be $500 with this plan, though there are other plans that are cheaper but with dentures that cost twice as much. I forgot what fillings and extractions are, but it wasn’t much. Either way, I don’t think all my teeth can be saved forever. The enamel is just way too soft.