My story is back in 2nd place and I decided to submit another one just to see if it does as well. It hasn’t been posted yet.

Meanwhile, I’m in a state of neitherness and neverness right now, you could say. I’m neither fat nor thin. I’m neither happy nor sad. I’m neither well off financially or broke. I could go on and on with more “neithersome” situations, but won’t bother.

As for my state of “neversome,” I feel like there will NEVER be jobs in this area and we will NEVER get ahead. This forced welfare bum situation we’re in really gets old, and being stuck on unemployment is about as close as you can get to being just that! A government-supported bum.

But MT is continuing to supplement us quite well. We’re actually only making about $150 less than he made in Oregon, and he made good money there. Only catch is that our rent is now $825 and not $450. Still, I made $12 in less than 5 minutes yesterday by simply taking a picture of myself in lingerie, then having Tom take one of me standing outdoors holding up a sign saying, “Merry Christmas, Crystal. Auburn, USA.” Don’t know what this was supposed to be for, but it was an easy job and so I did it after writing the words in thick dark block letters on a piece of white cardstock.

Read up on slander/libel laws. Slander is a very hard thing to prove the same as discrimination. When you’re dealing with what’s mostly hearsay and opinions, things can get tricky. That’s why I can’t sue the media for the pack of lies they printed about me or the people who told them the lies. I can’t prove what they said is bullshit like one can prove that the Statue of Liberty truly exists. That’s easy. But when you get into people’s opinions, it’s a lot tougher. It isn’t merely an opinion that the Statue of Liberty exists, but a visible fact. So you have to A, prove beyond a reasonable doubt that the person’s belief or opinion is true. Then B, you have to prove that it was directly responsible for hurting the person’s business, reputation or health in some way.

Go out and buy a lottery ticket. You have a much better chance there!

Same goes for child abuse. Suspicions and past accusations won’t get you very far. The social workers aren’t stupid; they know what’s going on. But unless a parent or guardian smacks a child right under their nose, it’s almost impossible to get one’s kids removed from them, and their past won’t usually give you much ammo. People have tried to use my own past against me and I myself tried to beat a few others over the head with their pasts as well and it didn’t get us anywhere in the end.

Again, try the lotto instead.

If your record has been expunged of any convictions or judgments, that’s what you need to show in cases where it matters. Court documents always remain online or at least publicly accessible in some way. No matter what you may’ve been vindicated of, there will always be a record available on the case itself.

I can totally understand the feeling of having intense anger, resentment, frustration and more that can have an accumulative effect on one’s life as each incident and or trauma adds up. I have been attacked, put down, ripped off, lied to and nearly raped in the late 80s. I often think it may be a good thing that I was half the bitch I am today and half as brave, for I may very well have gone out, gotten a gun, and shot some of the assholes that fucked me over, particularly the would-be rapist I cried AIDS to, thus landing my ass in prison no matter how many people may’ve agreed with my actions at least from a non-legal point of view.

I not only have to live with the evil deeds done to me but with my own mistakes as well. I lied about being raped as a kid when all it really was was a case of bad sex. The guy couldn’t even get it in there, and I, unable to say “no” was left feeling ashamed as kids often feel after having sex or trying to, even if they consented to it in the first place. Still, it’s something I’ll always have to live with, though unbeknownst to me at the time, the exam I had afterward would’ve shown that I was still a virgin.

My maternal grandmother was not at all a nice lady and definitely a lousy mother. Her meanness led to one equally mean daughter and one equally mean son. Yet I have to live with the fact that I made prank phone calls to her just days, maybe even hours, after my parents discovered her dead inside her home, just 6 months after losing her husband, my grandfather.

So while I may have learned a lot in life and have been tested by the government to be well within the genius range, I’m no stranger to many of the fuck-ups and emotions that many of you have either asked me about or have talked about from your own experiences.

I know I shouldn’t do this, after all, I was totally naïve to the law, especially in Arizona, but I still beat myself up for not “fighting back,” so to speak, and feel like I let the sickos we lived with fuck me over. Full disclosure: No, the truth will NOT always set you free. And no, cooperation and kindness won’t always be in your best interest. Yet “You should’ve kept your mouth shut,” and “You should’ve fought back,” and “You should’ve represented yourself,” and “You should’ve researched your rights and insisted on going to trial,” and “You should’ve never gone to court in the first place,” still runs through my mind even to this day.

“Quit kicking yourself in the ass for what you didn’t know because it’s done and over and can’t be undone or changed. What happened to you wasn’t your fault. You did nothing wrong and you certainly wouldn’t have deserved the sentence you got even if you had written the damn letter. You were naïve to the law and the law took advantage of that,” is what I should tell myself, but it’s just not always so easy.

I’ve been asked what I think you should do and how I think you should feel in light of traumatic or tough experiences. Well, first off, no one can tell you how to feel as there is no right or wrong emotion, but I can say this much: Don’t try to sugarcoat the wrongdoings of other people. If they fucked you over, they fucked you over. Period. If you feel you’ve been victimized – that’s enough. Never bother trying to justify it or make excuses for it. What happened, happened.

No, I wouldn’t take in any children if a friend or relative had kids they no longer could care for for whatever reason. Since deciding, in the end, to skip motherhood so as to keep my freedom, taking in other people’s kids would kind of defeat that purpose, selfish of me or not, LOL!

Oh, and yes, I removed my extended autobiography because I am a better writer than I was 8 years ago when I first began it. Therefore, I think it can be better written and so I may rewrite at least parts of it. I just don’t know when.