Decided not to bother with colors here as it’s just a real pain in the ass. I’ll leave the colors to Kiwi.

Tom said there was a lot of barking this morning from 8:30 - 11:00, but not much after that.

Tammy replied saying she thought I’d have grown up, she didn’t send any letters or call the police, Bill did, and what black neighbors?

Hmmm… not sure what having “grown up” has to do with what happened and my feelings about it, but now I have to wonder if Tammy and my parents knew as much as I thought they did about what went on with the blacks.

Another confusing thing she said was, “You have no idea about my life or kids at all, only your made-up version.”

She’s right. I don’t have any idea. And this is because we haven’t been in touch for a decade and I haven’t cared. So what made-up version could I possibly have?

I said to Tom, “It was Tammy that called the pigs, wasn’t it?”

He said yes, and I said, “Well, she’s blaming that one on Bill, though I could swear I remember the pig that came to the house using the words, “your sister.”

Then Tom pointed out that while he was under the same impression I was as far as it being Tammy who called the cops (especially since she sent a letter addressed to Tom defending her abusive husband which I threatened by mail and by phone), you can’t trust what any cop says. This is true, too. Just about every cop I’ve ever known or heard others tell me about has been nothing but a lying, conniving, manipulative bastard. You know how the laws are. We’re not allowed to lie, speed or fail to use our signal lights when turning, but they can do whatever the hell they want, legal or not. And one of the things they love to do is tell bullshit stories.

I understand that I can never know for sure who did what and why. Someone suggested Bill was afraid of me, but I know better than that. He was the kind of guy who thought he could beat anyone, especially a woman. If he called the cops he didn’t do it out of fear, he did it out of spite.

I know I could hurt Bill, and these days I could probably kick my brother’s ass, and definitely Ronnie’s. But they could never be worth the money a plane ticket would cost, even if we were rich, or the time it would take to hop a plane, hunt them down, and then do whatever to them. But I know I wouldn’t hesitate if I could possibly run into them on the streets. This is why I would never go to my parents’ funeral. Even if I could control myself, they’d certainly start shit with me and I wouldn’t be about to just stand there and take it! Haven’t I done that enough in the past? So it would make no sense to go there, beat the shit out of them, then end up in jail for assault.

Anyway, I was under the impression that my family knew about my being in jail all along, although I didn’t know if they knew exactly why. There are a zillion different ways they could’ve found out. I figured that Tom’s family, who can’t keep their mouths shut about anything, might’ve been one way. So when I first sent them letters about it from Oregon, I thought they already knew.

Maybe Tammy really didn’t call the police, but just the fact that she said I threatened my nieces in her letter to Tom and won’t own up to it, makes me more sure that not having anything to do with each other is the right thing. We all exaggerate and even lie when we’re pissed at someone, but she didn’t need to go that far. I have always adored my nieces and was heartbroken over what they had to go through on account of their parents. I don’t blame them for anything for they were just kids caught between us adults and the shit that was going on with us.

Also, if she is innocent of calling the police, she’s still guilty of informing Bill as to our general whereabouts which pointed the pigs in our direction. They split before we moved, so the only way he could’ve found out was from her. I told her about the area in a letter to her right before I let Bill have it for his treatment of her and Lisa. Of course there’s also the possibility that they tracked us down through Tom’s family.

Again, I’ll never know for sure who did what, and the past can never be changed. However, we’re not talking about her accidentally breaking one of my dolls or spilling wine on my favorite blouse or flirting with my husband. This is about me losing half a year of my life and many thousands of dollars. Those involved could pay back the money we lost, but nothing can ever replace the time we lost together or undo the stress, depression, frustration and anger I went through at the time. So whether or not Bill’s more to blame than she ever was, this is a tough one to simply up and forgive, but she’s right when she says she’ll always be my sister. And I’ll always be hers even if we never speak again. As they say, we can change who are friends are, but we can’t change who are family members are.

A few people on Kiwi said I should forgive her. After all, said Patches, you came out alive and intact and seem pretty with it.

Brianna says she sees no harm in just acting like things are fine for the sake of getting along or lack of regret later.

I can sort of see Brianna’s point when she says “for the sake of getting along or lack of regret later.” However, it’s just as easy to end up regretting accepting someone back into our lives as well. I sure as hell regretted taking Larry back! My brother has a wonderful sense of humor and my heart went out to him when he lost his son. Yet one of the first things he told me when we first spoke in 1993 after a decade of silence was, “I’m not going to get involved in any family disputes.” Well, he sure proved himself to be a regular little hypocrite in the end! He stuck his nose everywhere but in his own business, pitted certain family members against others, and so on and so forth. His emotional state at the time was not good, but this was still no excuse to make so many people miserable. In some cases, his intentions may’ve been good. In others, he seemed to use the loss of his son as an excuse to cause so much of a rift within the family.

Anyway, although I’m still not sure I could forgive Tammy, I’m still glad she contacted me, for it was a way to let her know how I felt and to give her the choice of peeking in on my life via the journal link I gave her. It keeps my parents out of it, too. As it was, I hated to involve them by asking them to send the link to her, but I didn’t know how else to get it to her. She could’ve moved a dozen times since we last spoke for all I know. I still don’t know that reading other people’s journals or short stories is her thing, but now I know she has that option.

Even if I could forgive her or if what happened had never happened, I have to ask myself: Do I really want to reunite with someone I have nothing in common with? I’m surprised she’d even want to bother with me if only because we are so different. Having never had kids to tie me down, I was able to be open to being exposed to many different experiences, my interests are totally different, and we never did see eye to eye on much. I don’t blame her for being different from me as we are who we are. And I’m pretty sure she feels the same and knows that I am who I am.

In the end, I’ve decided to do nothing for now. I need time to think about things. I just don’t know if I can trust her. Hell, I don’t even know that I can trust my own parents despite them saving our asses! Talk about having some seriously mixed emotions about certain people. So I will sit and think about it. One minute I feel myself begin to soften, to tell myself the past is history, think of the good times, let it go, move on, etc. Then I remember what I went through and the anger returns and I am too stubborn not to hold my ground.

Like she said, though, she’ll always be my sister. And I will be hers. That won’t change.