Won another trip (sort of). You get to choose from several different states and countries. The problem is that I won the accommodations, but not the airfare. We may go ahead and pick the 2-night stay in Reno as that would be less than a two-hour drive. The hotel would be much fancier than the motel we were stuck at, but I don’t want to go somewhere just to go there. There’s no shopping spree or gambling credit involved, so I don’t know what we’re going to do. We have a year to decide. The Vegas package does include $1000 in gambling credit, but that’d be a 6-hour drive! I hate long drives and we don’t have our new luggage yet. Our old luggage pretty much went to hell and so we dumped it. At least I’d be going in style music-wise. I could plug the laptop or iPod right into the cigarette lighter. We checked plane tickets to Vegas and the cheapest we could get tickets, plus air/hotel transfers, would be for about $200, and this doesn’t count food. Also, the Sacramento airport isn’t that close to here. Oh, well. I still say I was on the “trip of a lifetime” between July ’07 – April ’08 and I’d rather not go anywhere but to our own home next time around! Yup, that’s looking better and better.

Another day of analyzing my Tammy feelings. My gut instinct still says not to bother. Things would be okay for a while, then someone would say or do something stupid, it would get totally blown out of proportion or misunderstood altogether, and then it would be just like old times all over again.

Sometimes I do feel a little guilty for rejecting her and I wonder if she may be crying and feeling hurt all because I can’t forgive her for something she insists she’s unaware of. And while Becky and Sarah were too young to really have developed much of a relationship, Lisa and I were close, and so I have thought of her over the years and wondered how she’s been.

But like it or not, people do change throughout the years. Their interests change, and their attitude, beliefs, opinions, and ways of doing things change. And so I am not the forgiving person I used to be. Period.

Just the fact that she denies making any calls or sending any letters, tells me she hasn’t changed at all. It’s sad too, but her problem and not mine. I could’ve made it mine by accepting her back into my life, but not wanting to give history a chance to repeat itself, I haven’t done so. That and because we’re so far away from each other and so different.

Like I said, she may’ve been clueless as to the neighbor’s shit. We didn’t even realize the extent of their obsession ourselves until it was too late. But she did send the letter to Tom at the Phoenix address right after we moved, telling him she hoped he’d get the letter forwarded to him and that she didn’t know exactly where we were but knew we were in Maricopa. Then she went on to threaten forthcoming charges for my threatening Bill and his life and to “inform” Tom that I had been in funny farms and was sending things to the house. I don’t remember her exact words and we didn’t care to save the letter, but Tom already knew about my past. Remember, I’m the one they’d chide for shamelessly spilling my life out to all that would listen! And the “things” I sent were family pictures I no longer wanted.

After the letter, she called Tom who, as he put it, just let her ramble. Then he said he told her that if we couldn’t get along, why bother having anything to do with each other then?

This was the last of the communication.

I don’t understand why she won’t admit the call and letter to Tom. I mean, what’s the big deal? I admitted my call and letter to Bill. So? It happened. We all make mistakes. We’re only human. But do I regret the call and letter? No, I do not, and I’ll be happy to admit that, too! I regret the repercussions, but that’s all I regret.

In many ways, I am the same, too. I’m still short, I still love music, I still love writing, and I still have my crazy laugh, but I don’t forgive like I used to and I sure as hell don’t forget. Should I feel differently in time, I know how to get a hold of her.

I’m glad she contacted me so I could give her my journal link, not knowing for sure if my folks gave it to her, but I also wish she never did. This way these mixed emotions wouldn’t have been stirred up like they have been.

Some say I should keep ignoring her, not just because of past conflicts but because we’ve done just fine without each other, while more say I should forgive her and move on. Well, maybe I’ll end up doing both. She may never fess up to the letter or call, but I do accept and realize that while she may or may not have called the pigs, she couldn’t have known that what she and or Bill were doing by running to the pigs would get the black welfare bums on my trail and me thrown in jail. So I may be able to forgive her for this, but not “move on,” so to speak. In other words, I can let go of the past to a degree, but I don’t know if I could ever return to regularly communicating with her. So yeah, I’m willing to let the past go for the most part as I certainly don’t hate her in any way. I’d leave people like Larry and Ronnie to sink or swim on their own, but if I were walking down the street and saw someone trying to mug Tammy or something like that, I would jump to her defense. So no, no seriously hard feelings of any kind at this point. Just a lack of desire to carry on as before.

For now, I hope she and the girls are doing well. As for Bill…sorry, but I don’t give a shit about him. Never liked him, never will. I would feel no different if he stubbed his toe as I would if he broke every bone in his body. He was a wife-beater and a child-beater and those are about the lowest on my list. And I don’t care if it was “just a slap” as opposed to a beating with a fist and so on and so forth. A beater’s a beater! And the bad childhood sob story doesn’t cut it either. My own childhood was no bowl of cherries, but I would never treat a child that way, and if I’d had a kid to which a man raised a hand, it would’ve only happened once for that man would not be alive afterward.

Got a letter from Mary. Not much happening on her end.

I was surprised when an OLSer told me she read my MD journal and found my life interesting. Yeah, really interesting! LOL. I figured some people would click the link, but what really surprised me is that while she didn’t read my stories as she likes to learn about different people from all walks of life, she read about 85% of the journal part. Both Tom and I were like – wow! That’d take all day if not more. There are over 200 entries there now and a lot of the bio chapters aren’t exactly short and sweet.

Were the dogs a problem today? Well, of course! Though it wasn’t as much of a circus as I thought it would be (probably because I slept through their prime time). Tom said there were 4 barking fits, one lasting up to 6 minutes. I heard a 5-minute barking spree myself after I got up, but there’s been nothing since 4:00.

I wish it were summer again! Not just because I hate winter, but because then they’ll probably switch back to barking more at night. Only Jesse will be there to do something about it, and there won’t be as much going on then to stir them up in the first place.

We’ve got complications where killing the dogs is concerned. Tom said Jesse’s brother was there at some point as he recognized the red pickup he drives from when they were stringing the phone wires.

After just two days of serious dieting and running (now more than a mile a day), I can get into the sports bra/tank I won! I’m no longer a large. I’m a medium now.

Got some samples in the mail, as usual, and a small win. Freezer bags with a vacuum sealer so you don’t get freezer burn.

Oh, I reactivated my Facebook account just in case I ever do win one of their prizes. If she annoys me, though I don’t think she will, I can always ignore her. This will also give me an idea as to whether or not she’s reading my journal, which I’m curious about. I accidentally “poked” her on Facebook trying to figure out what that feature was all about. Then I noted her to say that I wasn’t trying to pick on her or play with her head, but just trying to figure it out. I’m almost positive she would’ve replied to it and that’s when she’d have learned that I had deactivated the account.