Before I get to Lisa, the magic word has continued to work like magic! Ah, but I knew I’d be trading in one problem for another. Actually, it’s an old one that’s returned. The renter’s dogs are running around loose again (I suppose next comes the shooting). When I see them again tomorrow I’ll be sure to call the number Jesse gave us so they can hopefully rack up enough complaints to lose them. Typical renters! Typical fucking renters. They do what they’re supposed to do for a while (with much effort on your part) then say “fuck it.” Always gotta keep on re-applying complaints cuz they only do so good for so long.

I almost didn’t see them. They were running towards me as I was standing out on the deck. Then I turned my head and that’s when I spotted them approaching the car and yelled at them. Dogs don’t typically sneak up like cats do, so I’m guessing they didn’t see me either. One doubled back real fast and disappeared down in the ditch, but the other was more reluctant to leave so fast.

Now I gotta watch my ass when running out there, although it should be getting too hot for outdoor running. Not this morning, though. This morning was beautiful! It was cool and breezy, perfect for running. The land is ablaze with wildflowers too, like yellow daisies and bluebells. It rained steadily in the late afternoon.

I heard the dirt bike for a while. There’s always gotta be something! But it sure beats hours of barking I don’t know how to stop. I just know it’s important to call the pound on these dogs. If I don’t they’ll stir Jesse’s dogs up more and more, and then I’d have to worry about them jumping me or barking right outside the window when I’m asleep. The owner obviously isn’t going to fix the problem, so it’s up to me and whoever else is bothered by them to do something about it. I only saw 2 of the 3 so far.

I got up to pee at 5:30 and the dogs were going crazy, but because I wasn’t ready to get up yet, I didn’t do anything about it. I just hope I can when I’m up during the hours they’re at their craziest.

I posted my ‘before’ and ‘now’ weight pics on Kiwi.

So Lisa’s in Groton and has searched for me on My Life, a site that sends me an alert when someone’s looking for me. There’s also a 29-year-old female in Tennessee who’s looked up my name, but since I don’t know anyone there it probably wasn’t me they were looking for but someone else with the same name.

I don’t know why, but as far as this site’s concerned, I’m still in Arizona and Oregon. LOL

Lisa’s been a member since 2007 and there was a picture of her that was so tiny I couldn’t really make out much. No real facial detail of any kind. She appeared to be in a short black dress with black heels, trying to look all sexy or something.

Anyway, while I’m not surprised she was looking for me, as close as we were, nothing’s changed. Nothing at all. While I may not sit and actively wish bad things upon my family, I wouldn’t exactly cry over anything bad that did happen either. I keep in touch with my folks mostly as a courtesy to them for saving us when we couldn’t access our money when the debit card company screwed up. But even that I try to limit as we don’t always see eye to eye.

I don’t blame Lisa for her mother’s actions and the fact that her mother was a lousy mother who was never ready for kids or able to handle them. She wasn’t the worst mother in the world, but she was still very negative, insensitive, domineering and just downright moody. Tammy always had a problem with jealousy. This means that no matter how good of a singer Lisa may’ve gotten to be, she would always make cracks about it and try to cut her down and discourage her. And not just because she knew the odds were way against her no matter how good she may be. But the whole point is that while I don’t blame Lisa for what others did, I could never resume an aunt/niece relationship with her any more than I could be sisters with Tammy cuz of all the negative history. Sure, they’ll always be my sister and niece. But only in memory. And if Lisa isn’t already aware of this journal, she will find it one day and read this for herself.

My sister’s twisted attraction to abusive men not only allowed her own self to suffer but her children as well. So while the apple may not always fall close to the tree, I hope my nieces will choose life over children. Not just so they can be free to live, learn and experience life, but so they won’t repeat what they grew up with.

Lisa, if you are reading this, your mother allowed Bill, who lied about his cancer either altogether or as to what the extent of it really was since the bastard’s still alive, to abuse you. Then since I wasn’t there to beat the shit out of him for it, I let him know just what I’d like to do to him via mail/phone. What did mommy dearest do? Oh, she just gave him our address so he could sic the pigs on me. That’s how much she appreciated my sticking up for her. Your mother may not be responsible for what our old neighbors did by using race and their cop friend to legally fucked me over after Tom lodged a city complaint against them for noise and vandalism, but her actions, which led these assholes to where we’d moved to so they could torment us there too, cost us half a year’s time together, thousands of dollars, and a world of anguish no therapist or drug could ever cure.

I’m sorry she put you down, I’m sorry she put you in harm’s way. I’m sorry she carried on the so-called family tradition by finding it easier to deal with your problems by having you doped up. I’m sorry she was too weak to address her own problems. I’m sorry Bill ridiculed your weight and helped you to become bulimic even though he’s a hypocritical fat fuck of a pig himself.

I’d still like to kick his ass. I’m still relatively young. I run. I strength-train. I have a temper that can make even his look like a joke. So trust me, there’d be no competition. Same goes for Larry and Ronnie. I can still feel that rage bubbling beneath the surface when I think of them. Oh, what this healthy little runner could do to those aging little monsters these days! I’d even bet money I don’t have on it. But this is why, though. This is why I couldn’t have anything to do with anyone even remotely connected to them other than my folks. It would only bring back all that anger and all those unwanted memories. Remembering the so-called “good times” doesn’t always cut it, though there are no good times to be remembered when it comes to Bill and Ronnie. Nonetheless, I swore back in the late 90s that I would never again let myself be sucked up by the family drama and I’m going to keep my word, too!

I’m just glad the kids are all adults now so they can leave when Tammy wants to get off on Mark’s abuse all so she can have an excuse to be the melodramatic drama queen she’s always loved to be in order to satiate those cravings for attention.

I can see why it would be hard for anyone who comes from a stable, close family to even comprehend where I’m coming from, but that’s ok. I understand. That’s all that matters. I don’t believe in forgiveness and it’s for a very good reason. Besides, it’s kind of hard to forgive someone who doesn’t even believe they did anything wrong. That’d be like me trying to hand a bleeding person a band-aid for a cut all the while they’re glancing over themselves going, “What cut? Where? Where am I cut?” Tammy got all defensive and went right into denial when I told her my reasons for not wanting anything to do with her when she found me on Facebook. Bill couldn’t have gotten our address from anyone else, but it’s true that she may not have known about the neighbors if the letter I sent her from Oregon a few years ago didn’t get to her. That would depend on whether she moved or not. Either way, it doesn’t change anything. If it hadn’t been for her, the warrant for my arrest we didn’t even know existed till the pigs came out to find out what the hell she was up to, would’ve eventually expired. I STILL can’t believe she gave Bill our address after we left Phoenix. That’d be like me shooting someone who went to beat up someone who’d just raped me!