OMG, I did it! I lost 20 pounds! I’m 127 pounds! I really, really did it!!! That’s all I’ll say for now cuz I’m so excited and busy doing other things.

Later…

So now I have light golden brown hair to go with my slowly but surely shrinking waistline. It looks nice too, in browns and reds as opposed to black. The loss of the 20th pound actually came faster than expected. I didn’t expect to hit it till the first week of next month, so it was quite a surprise when I woke up and found I was already there! I had put myself at 120 by the end of the year based on my speed so far, and around 100 for the fall of next year, but maybe I’ll get there sooner.

Shopping was fun, though it wasn’t without a bit of confusion and a little scare. The confusion came when I took two pink sleeveless dresses into the fitting room to try on, one small, the other medium. I tried the small one first. It was slightly snug, but I wanted something with “room to shrink in” since I’m bound to lose more weight, even though I have my moments when I think I’ve stopped. I decided to go with the small and not bother trying on the medium. But when I went to leave I saw that the one I had tried on (because I hadn’t undone the belt on the other one) was on the hanger marked ‘medium’ and so I was surprised that a medium would be tight on me. Mediums should now be either just right or too big on me depending on the cut. But then I realized that while I only tried one dress on, I did take them both off their hangers. And put the small dress on the medium hanger!

I got 5 small colognes – New Musk, Primo, A Little Sexy, You Sexy Thang and Cotton Candy.

I got 4 lip balms – Nesquik chocolate, Jelly Belly coconut, bubble gum and Reese’s. They’re a little dry compared to the Bonne Bell’s I usually get, but it’s nice to have fun flavors every so often that are different.

I also got a package of white ankle socks, two white sports bras, and a light blue tank top with spaghetti straps. It has a neon orange and green palm tree design with “California” written below it. It’s also a size small. Yes, I am officially in the small zone now! Woo-hoo!

Lastly, besides the hair dye, I got a candy bar, bedding for the rats, and Trident gum that actually helps my teeth like it claims to. It says it strengthens teeth. I had stopped chewing gum because it hurt my teeth, then I received a sample pack of Trident Xtra Care in the mail. Amazingly enough, I can now chew on both sides of my mouth, even with the huge cavity I have in one of my back-bottom molars.

So anyway, as we were about to check out of Kmart and I handed the cashier the GCs I won, they wouldn’t scan at first and she asked if they’d been used before. I was worried I’d have to put everything back! But her supervisor helped her and all was fine.

I just lit my last stick of incense (Magnolia), but I have a new wholesale order on the way! Incense is the one guilty pleasure I simply cannot live without. I have 100-packs coming of Autumn Lodge, Birthday Cake, Blueberry Cheesecake, Blueberry Pie, Jasmine Vanilla, Lady Chocolate, Loganberry, Peanut Butter Cups, Pomegranate, General Store, Sugar Cane, Vermont Maple Syrup, Warm Apple Crisp and Patchouli.

I also donated a buck to MD and hope that people will leave us donations if we ever have a website of our own.

I was also worried the cooler was broken, but it looks like it’s working itself out. It just takes a little time for the water flowing through the tubes to break down the calcium build-up.

Last night I woke up hot after barely an hour of sleep. Tom cut the cooler off too soon. Then an hour after I fell back asleep, I had to play nose. Yeah, my nose was all stuffed up and so I had to deal with that and take a Benadryl to get back to sleep comfortably enough after Tom chatted with me and rubbed my back. I was really fired up and frustrated last night. Not just with waking up sweating, but we need a house to live in, you know?! We need a real, genuine, honest-to-God house! Not some fucking flimsy old box with a funky cooling system. I miss having a normal cooling system that’s vented to all the rooms and that has a thermostat like the heater does.

So I was just frustrated over the reality that at least I see. Tom doesn’t see it, but I do. I hope I’m seeing wrong, but I still don’t think we’ll ever have our own home. A real home.

There was the other ongoing issue, too. The anger I still feel to this day over those who’ve wronged me and have gotten away with it. I feel like God or something up there has protected them and that they’re no doubt living it up somewhere, but Tom assures me that just because I don’t see them suffer doesn’t mean they aren’t. He reminded me that Tammy’s always been a miserable person and no doubt still is, but she’s not exactly who I had in mind. I’m not talking about her or any other family members, I’m talking about the fucking freeloaders that victimized me for years, both legally and not. I may not be able to ever forgive Tammy or Larry, but I can’t say I’d like to see them suffer either. In their case, I just don’t care. Yet despite all the venting, both in my journal and verbally, I don’t think anything can ever get me over what the other subhuman pieces of shit have done. Some things you simply don’t move on from. I could see a million therapists and pop a million pills till the day I died, but I will never forgive them, and I sure as hell won’t ever forget!

Oh, just to have 5 minutes with them! All of them. Just 5 minutes of alone time! That would be more therapeutic than anything else ever could be.

Tom pointed out that everyone gets burned in life, but this was rather extreme. Not that he disagrees or feels I’m wrong for the way I feel. He does understand. They victimized him too; he just didn’t get thrown in jail. But I did, and I know that just like with any rape victim or victim of some other violent act, or a victim that’s been scammed really bad, I’m going to have spells throughout my life where I remember my tormenters and what they did and just simmer with a rage I hope most people can never understand firsthand.

Other than yesterday’s emotions and sweaty wake-up call, it’s been a fun day. Quiet too, the last two days, but starting tomorrow the peace will be gone. My schedule sucks right now. I’ll be waking up right when the worst of the barking starts. All I can do is just hope they shut up by 8:00 or 9:00 like they usually do. The heat does seem to put a lid on them, and it’s going to be hot for a while.

Tom researched Mary’s case, and if Monster isn’t found incompetent like he was in 2005 (I wasn’t aware of this), the trial begins June 9th.