I learned more about our lovely government throwing our money away, and it wasn’t to Pakistan, it was to Palestine this last time around. I get the Paks and the Pals mixed up. And it has nothing to do with aiding them due to poverty. I guess it’s a bribe to try to get them to leave Israel the fuck alone so they don’t nuke them. Still, it’s no excuse to give away our money when there are so many people right here who need it. If Israel’s gonna nuke them, they’re gonna nuke them. Period. And I can’t believe our government is stupid enough not to keep in mind the fact that the Palestinians are manipulative little terrorists who are going to do what they do best anyway, and that’s to treat their women like animals and try to make as many other people as miserable as possible. So paying them off won’t change things. They are who they are. And Israel’s going to deal with them as they see fit. Meanwhile, people like us sit here and continue to struggle just to pay the rent and make ends meet.

This is a classic reason why I hate people in general and would never want more than the few friends I have. Tom and I were talking about it and I said, “How can this country not see that by throwing all our money away, we’re setting ourselves up to become impoverished ourselves?”

He said, “They’re screwed up,” and I said, “That’s BEYOND screwed up!”

But I guess they think that by helping other countries become better countries – not that it should be our responsibility to help better other people/countries – they’re making it less likely for them to come over here. But since they can’t say “no” to those coming over here, what difference does it make if we pay them to live there versus to live here? We’re still giving our much-needed money away. It’s like gee, why don’t we just all go out and get jobs as soon as we can and send our paychecks off to Africa or something?!

Maybe the people who are giving our money away need to come live like trailer trash for a while, having to sell things just to survive, and not always having enough to eat, and needing to have their teeth removed. Or maybe they should do even worse and just throw themselves out on the streets with absolutely nothing for a while. Maybe then they’ll think of their own people first.

And our fucking president is just yet another liar full of false promises. They’ll say anything to get elected. Anything. And that doesn’t take much. If you can just convince people you hate gays and will make life better for everyone else but them, they’ll keep falling for the same old BS every 4 years. I still say this one made it, though, cuz he’s black.

I complained to the White House via email, though I don’t expect it to do me any good other than to vent.

Tom and I have been having some strange experiences. As I lay in bed waiting for sleep last night – or this morning I should say – I had a little talk with God. I reminded Him that I don’t exactly have the guts to kill myself (unless anything happened to Tom or we were faced with homelessness) and that I also believe my life is “over” so to speak. I simply don’t want to live the rest of my life struggling in someone else’s dump. I said that Tom would be lonely for a while, but that he’d be better off. He’d save money and could trash the place without me nagging him about being a slob. So I asked for a sign. I asked that He have my heart act up again if He was going to take me soon.

To my utter shock, and yes, even delight – despite having to once fight to live not so long ago – the palpitations started up! I couldn’t have written it off to wishful thinking if I tried, it was that obvious. Does this mean I’m going to die soon of heart failure? Sometimes I wish I could believe that it does, but I doubt it. With my shit luck, I’m going to be cursed with a lot of “life” to come, and so I just try to look at the bright side of living. We may be poor, we may never own our own home, but we do have each other. And I do like to write and I have more languages I want to learn. I still love music, too.

Shitty life or not, the amount of heart failure symptoms I’ve been having and their frequency is kind of weird. But if it’s really connected to my heart, then why hasn’t it killed me yet? Could it be something else? Well, at least I have a mystery to sit and ponder. I even started retaining water and it’s at a time when I shouldn’t be and it’s one of the symptoms. Even Tom could see it. It seemed to happen so suddenly, too. Not even tea would help.

As for Tom, he couldn’t walk for 15 minutes! I was asleep when he got up from the couch and totally could not walk. He leaned on the chair and tried to limp into it, but his hip hurt like hell. When he tried to step on that leg it felt as if his leg would snap off at the hip, so he was completely immobile for a while there. We have no idea what could’ve caused it.