A horrible thought crossed my mind yesterday. As the dread began to seep through me, I thought – no! Tell me it isn’t so. Please tell me that not even God, who hasn’t answered one single prayer of mine, could hate us that much!

That’s when I ran to Tom and said, “I see where we’re going here. I see where God – or whatever’s had it in for me in the past – is leading us. The stage has been totally set for it when I sit and look at the big picture. Yes, I know where we’re headed.”

Tom was confused at first and that’s when I pointed out to him that while there haven’t been any jobs here in town, there have been some in Sacramento. Get it? As in setting us up to have to move back to the city yet AGAIN. Tom assures me that this can’t happen, but when you take in the fact that something up there has loved to see me stuck where I don’t want to be since I was 15 years old, it totally seems like something it would do. But Tom says that if there are still no jobs here when the job market loosens up in the fall, he can always commute. But I don’t see how we could afford a long commute, even though he says we could.

All I know is that I’m tired of starting over. I’m tired of having the carpet yanked from under our feet every time we start to get ahead. I’m tired of scraping pennies. And the thought of our next stop being just one more of many wild and or dumpy rentals to come, instead of our own home that we live in for the rest of our lives, really shrouds me in an even thicker veil of hopelessness and helplessness. I feel like a dead leaf lying on the ground, afraid of being swept where I don’t want to be.

AGAIN.

I wasn’t kidding when I said my prayers have gone unanswered. I’ve been praying for the better part of a year now for Tom to get a job, but no. God would rather we be broke and struggling. I’ve prayed for help with my teeth and for us to lose more weight. Nothing. So when I started to pray for Him not to “send us back to the city” yet again, I stopped myself and said, why bother? Nothing else I ask for gets granted, so why waste my time? I figure that if He doesn’t care about those who are worse off than us, why would He care about us? We certainly can’t be all that important now, can we?

Tom keeps insisting we’ll be okay, but I fear we’ll fall further and further behind. The flooring hasn’t sold yet and if it ever does it will no doubt have to be for next to nothing. He thinks Jesse will take it for $100, but I don’t think he wants it. Period. Then we’ve got things coming up like car insurance, renewing our mailbox, trying to get his Mac back, etc. Hell, we can’t even get a $40 mattress topper for our sagging mattress right now, and that’s humiliating. It really is. To have to be degraded to such hardships at our age is really discouraging in every way imaginable. If we were lazy drunks or druggies who didn’t give a damn, then we’d deserve to be right where we are today in someone else’s trashy trailer, having to skimp on food, split the rent payment, and do without so many things we need. I appreciate the coins and spare change my folks sent us, but I still don’t think they have any concept of what it’s like to live as poorly as we do. Even their poorest days on earth don’t come close to our average days. I don’t resent those who are better off than we are. If you are, then I’m happy for you. I just don’t get why we have to be one of the ones to suffer. It just seems so unfair and all it does is serve to convince me all the more that nothing up there likes us.

Other than fearing my worst fears may come true, I can understand more written languages than I realized! I looked up romance languages on Wiki and there are other romance languages, some of which I’ve never heard of like Romanian, Catalan, Corsican, Galician, Leonese, Occitan, Aromanian, Sardinian and Venetian. And when I went to read the pages I set in these languages, clearly it was a language I did not know, yet I could understand the gist of what I was reading. They’re pretty much just another variation of Spanish, Italian, etc.! In some cases, I guess they’d be considered different dialects.

Got a coupon for a free pint of Starbucks ice cream. This was a nice treat, but it gave me the runs.

We also had another fly invasion. I guess whenever a new mouse or family of mice gets under the trailer, eats the poison and dies, we get hit with a new batch of flies. I’d still rather be “trailer trash” than have to get a little 400-square-foot studio in the city, even if it were modern. It would probably still be more expensive than what we pay here, too. And harder to get into since it would probably be managed by a company versus an individual, and they don’t like people with bad or no credit.

I wish we had an RV as a backup! I wouldn’t sleep any better in it than I would an apartment, but at least it’d be mobile and could be put wherever we wanted it, should worse come to worse as it so often does in our lives.

Again I got those strange pains after working out that felt exactly like intense period cramps. They lasted about 10 minutes, and again there was no bleeding.

Where I made Top 1000 Italian Student a while back on the language site, now I’m Top 500 Italian Student. Yeah, I guess you could say I’m pretty dedicated since I go there just about every day.

Tom said he heard the puppy whining when he was outside the other day, but that it was nothing that could be heard in here. Wow, that’s hard to believe. Then again, when the people up top of the hill with the goats are outside talking, I can’t hear them inside either. I don’t expect the dogs (all 3 of them) to be a problem till around November.