Too tired to live? Yeah, I think I might be. Every other day I have horrible fatigue and I want to scream with frustration. I feel so stuck and helpless. Just totally caught in a hopeless situation. If I can’t ever find a way to take enough of this medication to keep me functioning and the alternatives aren’t suitable for me, then what does that leave me with? If there is a solution out there I’m afraid it’s going to be like finding a needle in a haystack.

Furthermore, traffic woke me up today… Again. Well, I’m never going to be a heavy sleeper, vehicles aren’t going to get quieter in my lifetime, and I very well may never be able to fully treat my disease. So again, what does that leave me with? Half a life spent bedridden because I’m too tired to live that life? Seriously, my mind and body are at such odds! My mind thinks of all the things I would really like to do, but my body is simply too tired to carry these tasks out. What do I do then? Take the meds and suffer the anxiety they bring and that could escalate to epic levels too scary to imagine? Or only take it sometimes and be drained? Drained to the point that I can’t work out more than once or twice a week any more than I can win NaNo with a word count as low as I’ve got mine set to once I finally get ideas as I have.

No wonder I’m losing my motivation to work out. I hate doing things part-time. I either like to do them regularly and consistently or not bother, especially things like working out. Why bother if I can only do it some of the time? Every time I get back on track something leaves me too tired to work out. So when I have the energy to work out I’m probably not going to, knowing that the next day I likely won’t have the energy and therefore I’m not going to benefit much from such a half-assed workout routine.

Each question leads to another question. This fatigue seems a bit extreme for disrupted sleep and I’ve even had it when I’ve slept well. I don’t think it’s all on the traffic waking me up but it doesn’t make sense to be low thyroid either because I once lived with zero medication and wasn’t nearly this tired. Yet as far as I know, my thyroid shouldn’t be any deader than it was to begin with, and if it is, it certainly isn’t by much. This makes me wonder if there’s anything else going on with me I don’t know about like maybe low iron or something that could be making me so fatigued. I haven’t stopped my vitamins or the Amberen, so I don’t know what the fuck is going on. All I know is that I’ve struggled with my health for almost 4 years now and have had more problems in that time than in the entire time I’ve known Tom.