I'm going to start drafting this entry as I lie here feeling exhausted, depressed, anxious, and totally hopeless. Damn, do I miss my healthier days! I miss so many aspects of the old me, but I fear more and more that these things are permanently in the past. The harder I try to take control of my health, the further it seems to slip away. I just can’t get a handle on it.

Yesterday was absolutely horrible. Every time I drifted off to sleep, I kept waking up feeling like I was suffocating. I was utterly exhausted. I’ve only been getting a few minutes to a couple of hours of sleep here and there.

I finally decided to set up a virtual Urgent Care appointment, hoping for advice. The doctor I spoke to was a Jamaican woman with a strong accent that, combined with the garbled audio, made her hard to understand. She seemed robotic and detached and I didn’t really like her much. She thinks sleep apnea might be the root of many of my issues. Thinking back, I wonder if the shortness of breath I experienced a couple of months ago was really related to sleep apnea rather than the nasal spray. Maybe both the fatigue and breathing struggles have been tied to the apnea all along. Her advice was to go to the ER to get oxygen or contact my primary care doctor to arrange for it until my sleep apnea could be addressed.

I definitely regret giving up on the CPAP! Now, I’m desperate enough to try anything. I used to insist one’s throat structure didn’t change but according to some digging I did, aging does affect muscles and other things.

Tom was skeptical of her advice, thinking she was just covering herself, so we decided to go to Urgent Care for a second opinion. It was my first time at Urgent Care since the ‘90s although it wasn’t much different than the Minute Clinic. It was surprisingly dead too.

They agreed the ER wasn’t necessary and said nothing would resolve the sleep apnea without some kind of device. I’d prefer a mouthguard, but dentists who make them are hard to find.

I hadn’t thought to wear long sleeves with the temperatures in the 70s, so both the medical assistant and the doctor noticed the big ugly bruise on my forearm. I told them a heavy box fell on me while I was reaching for it on a closet shelf. I don’t know if they believed me and I don’t care, but I definitely need to stop doing shit like that. If I need to let out frustration, punching a mattress or pillow is a far better option than beating on myself or breaking things. It’s not my fault I have all these health issues. Either it’s no one’s fault because it’s random, or there’s a god up there allowing me to suffer and therefore it’s his fault.

Anyway, to help with sleep and anxiety, the doctor prescribed hydroxyzine—the same stuff Galileo gave me before. It does help me sleep, but it leaves me feeling hungover and groggy. Still, it’s better than nothing. Last night, I slept a bit more, even though there was still some snoring and breathing difficulty.

I asked if my breathing issues were anxiety or sleep apnea-related, and she said both. I even feel short of breath when I’m up and moving sometimes, though it’s much worse when lying down or trying to sleep. My nasal issues certainly don’t help. I can’t get in to see Rhonda fast enough!

On top of all this, my schedule is completely messed up. Tom told me not to worry and to sleep when I could, but it still weighs on my mind. I worry about how much time and money it’s going to take to deal with all of this and how much more suffering is in store for me along the way. Even if everything were resolved with the snap of a finger, I know there will just be something else. I know how it works for me.

I’m still feeling mild pain in my lower left abdomen and it worries me. If it’s anything serious (although I doubt it), we can’t afford for me to go under the knife every year. I might need surgery as it is to fix my nose just to breathe properly again. I’d love to believe my nasal issues and sleep apnea will be resolved in the next few months and that the lower pain is nothing but I can’t know that.

Language practice with Amanda whose German was easier to understand than Mia's for some reason. Decided the light eyes have to go. Back to dark brown eyes we soon go.

I have great news, okay news, and shitty news. Where should I start? I guess I'll go in order from great to shitty.

The amazingly shocking and great news is that my TSH is 5.50! Just one point above normal! “I can’t handle a TSH in the normal range” may one day not be a true statement after all. Maybe it would have been this time if I hadn’t accidentally screwed up a few times by eating too soon or taking a melatonin gummy within the half-hour range. I was stunned out of my mind.

This is the first time I altered fate, in a sense. I knew that dream was a warning where Rhonda wanted me to increase my dose. But I jumped on it by increasing my vitamin D, and I stopped it! I stopped it. I literally stopped it! If only I could control other aspects of my life.

Tom was right when he said I had conflicting symptoms and didn’t think my thyroid would be that out of whack. Now that I think about it, some things make more sense. When my thyroid is better, it doesn’t make me lose weight, but it makes it harder to gain. If my TSH was way up in the teens or twenties, I likely would be in the 160s, struggling to keep from gaining more and more weight. Also, I’ve always had thick curls but when gathering it back in a ponytail lately, I’ve noticed it feels thicker. In fact, this long, thick, curly mane is getting to be such a pain in the ass to care for that I’m almost tempted to cut it off again. So many women out there would love this problem, and you know what? They can have it! Live with it as long as I have, and it gets kind of old. To avoid combing through the sea of wild curls all the time, I often braid it.

The news that’s just so-so is that my A1C is down but only by a point—it’s 5.9. I’d like to push it down another three points, but I don’t know if I can. I didn’t realize this at first, but she’s also running some tests on my liver that aren’t done yet. I don’t expect any problems there.

The shitty news is that I continue to sleep absolutely shitty as fuck. I am so run down and tired now. My brain and body have been taking a beating for decades as the years of sleep disturbances add up. I wonder how much more it can take before I have a stroke or heart attack. I worry about landing in the hospital because of this shit. It’s absolutely horrible.

I’ve also had that feeling again where I feel short of breath, even though my lungs aren’t exactly tight. I wrote that off to nerves, but since that’s not a common symptom of being wound up for me, it makes me wonder if it’s connected to my TSH pushing down, though I doubt it. I’m definitely going to skip the vitamin D for a few days because I don’t want to overdo it. Salmon is high in vitamin D, and I had some today, so it may be another day before it starts draining from my system.

The question is—what’s making me so cold at times? I looked that up and found a long list of possibilities, so maybe it’s just age.

Seriously, though, last night was absolutely horrible. I was so close to just grabbing the bag of charcoal, sealing myself up in the bathroom, and ending my suffering once and for all. In frustration, I smashed the shit out of my forearm, leaving bruises. Not with any sharp instruments, just with my fist. I was just so frustrated and didn’t want to break anything by throwing or punching things.

My sleep was broken up twice, and each time, I only slept for an hour or two. The last time I tried to get back to sleep, I felt short of breath and couldn’t quite make it fully back to sleep. That’s when I realized there was more going on than my nose issues. The first time I was woken up last night had nothing to do with breathing issues; my shoulder was screaming in pain. Just when I think that’s getting better, it gets me again.

The second and third times, I felt like I couldn’t suck in enough air, even though I could take the same amount of breath through my nose with the strip on as I could with my lungs. That’s when I started to wonder about my lungs.

I had this weird dream I went to the dentist. It seemed like the hygienist was Holly, and I was going to get my teeth cleaned. For some crazy reason, I had to take my shirt off before lying down in the chair.

So I took my shirt off and realized I didn’t have a bra on, so I was embarrassed. I casually rested my arms across my chest to hide my breasts when I lay back in the chair. Then they were having some computer tech issues, and I offered to reschedule and come back another time.

Holly agreed that would be a good idea and hugged me goodbye. But the only reason I wanted to get out of there and return another time was because I had forgotten my bra when I got dressed earlier, lol.

Then I went into the waiting room and spotted Tom at the back of it. It was pretty crowded, so I wove my way through the people waiting, but by the time I got to the back, he had disappeared. Managing to get home on my own, I was looking out the window of what appeared to be an apartment. Just to the right, I could see they’d dug out a square section of land to build another apartment building.

I then called Tom to ask where he had disappeared when he accused me of taking off because I had something to hide. Other than my chest, I assured him I wasn’t trying to hide anything. There was also something about him being upset that we didn’t get some things we needed after moving somewhere, saying that if he knew it was going to take that long, he’d do it himself.

Mixed reality rocks! I love that app where a little spaceship crashes through your ceiling and drops into the center of your room, and a bunch of “puffians” explode from it that you have to shoot. Bits and pieces of the shot-out walls and ceiling drop onto the furniture and floor, and the puffians climb everywhere—the walls, lamps, chairs, couch, etc. It was just amazing and so real-looking!

And now it's time for German practice...

Sometimes I just want some alone time when he's awake, but then I feel guilty because, hey, he's alive! He's alive. Would I rather feel like I'm not getting enough space, or would I rather never see him again? The answer is obvious, even though I don't plan to live after he goes. I don't even know if I'll make it to his finish line, but I'm trying.

I'm a little tired today compared to the last couple of days because I had to take Zyrtec. I started falling asleep, and then we had to play the suffocation games again when I couldn't pull in enough air through my nose. There’s definitely something wrong there that I think probably needs surgery. The problem is that I’m not likely to find out before next summer.

So instead of showering at the beginning of my day, I’m now showering at the end and sleeping with a nose strip every time I sleep. The larger nasal dilator wasn’t cutting it either, and it was a bit uncomfortable.

I was dismayed to see that while cutting sugar has dropped his glucose to 83, mine was 105 when I got up. Kathy said that between 80 and 120 isn’t bad, and she thinks my A1C will be fine. I hope so! I don’t expect it to be worse, but I hope it’s not the same either.

Right now, my nose and my thyroid are my biggest concerns. I know my thyroid is way out of whack. The question is how out of whack and what to do next.

I don’t know what I believe in, as I’ve said many times. I don’t have any set beliefs when it comes to God, guardian angels, the afterlife, or anything other than what I’ve seen and experienced firsthand. But when obvious patterns emerge and nothing I do changes anything, I really do feel picked on at times.

How do you change the unchangeable? It just seems that if something isn’t meant to be, it doesn’t matter what we do to try to achieve it. If life’s events were a little more random, I might not wonder as much. But when I see patterns within certain things, I do wonder. It really does feel, at times, like something wants me to struggle with both the medication and the effects of the disease itself, by not allowing me to at least remain under 10 consistently.

Those sayings about God helping those who help themselves and how you can do anything if you work hard enough? Total bullshit. Sure, some things are within our control, but definitely not everything. I never asked for or wanted some of what I’m getting in life.

Oh, and it turns out I didn’t need to fast after all. I didn’t look at the lab order until last night and saw that it wasn’t a full panel, so at least I won’t have to worry about the cholesterol lectures. It would have been nice to see what my blood cell levels were, but that’s not important. All she’s testing is my thyroid and A1C.

With Thanksgiving being tomorrow, I don’t expect results until the weekend or next week. What sucks is knowing they’re going to call next week instead of just waiting until we meet or messaging me on the portal. I hate this old-fashioned, in-person primary care system! But virtual primary care just isn’t catching on like virtual urgent care has. Nobody seems to want it, and it’s just not popular. Galileo is the only company I know of with virtual PCPs, and I don’t expect to have them again anytime soon, if ever. If she wants me to increase my dose, it’s going to be more stressful because I won’t be able to reach her in just minutes when there’s a problem.

He got a new strap to take the bulk of the weight off our faces from the new headset, so I’m going to play around with that soon, since he’s asleep and won’t be using it.

Spanish practice:

I've already resigned myself to the fact that my TSH levels are going to be horrible, but I’ve definitely learned something valuable—something the so-called experts should have pointed out to me a decade ago. I’ve always known not to take vitamin or mineral supplements until at least four hours after taking my thyroid medication, especially calcium and magnesium. However, I’ve always thought about this in terms of pills, not food. I now realize that eating something rich in calcium, like macaroni and cheese or yogurt, before the four-hour window has passed might influence my thyroid levels. My inconsistencies over the years could have been due to this rather than absorption issues.

When Rhonda pushes to increase my dose and turns that dream into a premonition, I’m going to point this out to her. I really think I can improve things on my own unless my levels are truly awful, like over 20. I do fear my TSH might be in the high teens to low 20s, though.

Today, I’m not as cold, but I’ve noticed that my energy levels seem connected to my body temperature. Yesterday, I felt okay for the first few hours of the day, but then my energy popped like a balloon. I was tired and cold for the rest of the day. At least I slept well last night, and today, as I pay off my sleep debt, I’m not quite as tired, cold, or in as bad of a mood. Yesterday, I was so fed up with all my health and sleep issues that I just wanted to drop dead.

I slept last night with the largest nasal dilator in my nose, hoping it would open things up enough to give me more options alongside the strips. If the problem is what we think it is, I hope it doesn’t get worse before it’s resolved. If it turns out not to be an allergy issue—and that seems increasingly likely—then at least Florida stays on the table for moving possibilities if we find a decent piece of land in Central Florida. I’d hate to leave this climate, but I would for a worthy piece of land in a good area, especially if it saves us money, and gets me further from motorcycles and out of a flight path. Finding a place without sonic booms might be a challenge, though.

Tom got the Quest 3 today, and wow, things are incredibly clear! The only downside is that it’s still pretty heavy, and adjusting the straps takes some fumbling.

The passthrough is amazing, though. There’s an app called First Encounters that came with it. It places objects in your room—like puffins running along the couch—that you shoot at, along with other objects. If you aim at your walls or ceiling, it looks like you’re blowing holes in them. Of course, it doesn’t know what’s outside, so it replaces the “blown-out” walls and ceilings with beautiful skyscapes. At one point, I could see Jupiter as if it was so much closer.

Tom said he’s tempted to buy an app for $20 that turns your house into a spaceship.

It’s also so cool how easy it is to create guardians. You just glance around the room, and it maps everything for you.

Another cool thing is that you can look at something and ask what you’re looking at, and it will tell you. Plus, measure objects, and create level lines on walls if you want to hang something.

I might use the Quest 3 for virtual rides. Maybe we can share it for my road trips while I use the Quest 2 for playing golf. Yes, I’d love to have my own headset so I can stay logged into my accounts, but money is tight right now, and who knows if that will ever change? If expensive things would stop breaking, and I could stop losing crowns, it would help.

On another note, I love the new Recipe Hub on Walmart’s site! It’s fantastic because I can save beautifully written, easy-to-follow recipes and add the ingredients to my cart right from the page. There’s a handy little "add-to-cart" button by each ingredient.

Fun practicing Italian with Mia:

I slept amazingly well last night for the first time in ages. I didn’t even wake up to pee, and I don’t remember snoring or waking up much at all. It’ll probably be months before I sleep that well again! I took a child’s dose of Zyrtec before bed, which likely helped, though I’m still a little tired because of that and other things.

And I swear, my TSH must be absolutely horrible! I’m cold, tired, and stuck again. There’s no doubt Rhonda’s going to suggest increasing my dose, making that dream come true. Yep, all my dreams can come true... as long as they’re the ones I don’t want coming true.

I couldn’t possibly feel this cold and tired if my TSH were under 10. I’m guessing I’m between 17 and 22. I just wish I knew why—absorption issues or maybe the gland dying off more? I wanted to get this posted before the little energy I have left deflates like a balloon.

Mia got her new orange tabby last night. It’s so well-animated! I was hoping it might jump on shelves or furniture occasionally, but it mostly stays on the floor, walking around at random. Sometimes it sits, and sometimes it lies down. I named it Simone after the cat we briefly had nearly a decade ago.

I’ve also got some nose tape on the way. AI recommended it for collapsed nasal valves—it’s the same kind used by people who’ve had rhinoplasty. I’m hoping it’ll open my nose even more and give it a little lift too, to make breathing easier.

If I could brainwash myself into believing there was a good loving God up there listening to me, all I would have to do is ask that He makes sure I feel like shit almost every single day because that would certainly be a done deal and therefore I would feel "listened" to. 

I’ve been absolutely miserable. For a week now, I can’t get a full night’s sleep without it being broken up. In the middle of the night, I wake up to pee, and just as I start to fall back asleep, I make this snorting sound from my nose. I’m completely exhausted!

Tom, who’s usually better at research than I am, did some digging, and we now suspect I might have a collapsed nasal valve. It’s fixable, but of course, it would take time and money, which would set us back. This issue has now become a higher priority for me than my A1C and my undoubtedly terrible TSH. I need to sleep! This is so much worse than just waking up for a second or two or getting up to pee and falling back asleep quickly. Now, I’m awake for longer stretches, and it’s happening more frequently. I feel horribly drained, run-down, and even more fatigued on top of the health issues I already have.

It’s so unfair. It’s so unfair that Aly, who wanted to live, had to die. If it weren’t for him, I’d be more than ready to go, but I can’t because he just won’t let go. As I’ve told him, though, sooner or later, I won’t care what he wants. I’ll put myself first and end this suffering. My health is gone. I know it. I’ll never be healthy again. I’m just going to keep suffering like I have for the last decade—just in different ways. I really don’t see myself ever being healthy again or beating this fatigue, no matter what’s causing it.

I’d love to end it all now and just be done with it. Again, it’s not fair. Someone asked Maria how she’d been doing on Facebook (I thought they stopped sharing what people post on friends’ walls) and said she didn’t look well the last time they saw her. She replied that every day is a miracle. She mentioned having only a third of her lungs, 20% of her heart, and needing a scooter to get around. She’s also been dodging cancer testing because she doesn’t want to hear she’s got something she can’t fight. She said it would break her heart.

Why can’t it be me who gets something terminal? At least then I’d know there was an end in sight. Why does it always have to be the ones who don’t want to die? It’s not that I want to die, but I want to be healthy, have energy, and function. Since that’s not happening, I’m ready to go.

I swear, it feels like something out there gave me this nasal issue just to mess with my sleep, now that traffic noise isn’t a problem. It’s like I’ve never been meant to sleep. My sleep has been cursed my entire life in various ways. I’m not suddenly going to wake up one day with consistent energy, a decent thyroid, and no real problems except minor annoyances. That’s just not me anymore, and it hasn’t been for years.

The symptoms of a collapsed nasal valve make sense. If I have it, it’s likely due to cartilage breaking down with age—or maybe damage from years of using nasal sprays. It can be fixed, but it could take months just to see an ENT. Then, I’d have to hope they don’t cancel on me. They’ll probably need to do an endoscopy to get a clear look at my nose. These symptoms fit, though, and it explains why sprays and pills haven’t been helping. It also explains why I started snoring these last couple of years. This isn’t allergies like what I normally get. When my allergies act up, I usually sneeze and have a runny nose. This is different. I can’t draw in enough air through my nose, almost like I’m partially pinching it closed. I thought it was strange for sleep apnea to become an issue, given my mouth and throat structure haven’t changed. I’m even a little lighter than I was a few years ago—now down to 154.

I’ve always feared losing weight because of how my medication might affect me, but it looks like I’ll have to conquer that fear since I’m not going back to sugar. Occasionally, I’ll have a treat, but that’s it.

According to my research, I could lose weight slowly over the next 18 months and get close to an ideal weight for a muscular woman my age and height—120 to 125 would be ideal.

It probably doesn’t matter that we may not get ahead and move because southern New Mexico is likely out. I did more research into the frequency of sonic booms, and if anything, they’ll not only increase but drop the flight paths from 30,000 to 5,000 feet. Poor Becky! I shared the article with her. These bastards are ruining more and more rural and even coastal areas. 

My skin is dry, I’m freezing in a 72-degree house, and I’m on the second day of being stuck. My TSH must be sky-high, which means the weight loss is connected to what I’ve been eating after all.

Yesterday was awful because I was horribly tired. The fatigue was so bad I could barely do anything. Today is the first day in nearly a week that I have a little energy, but I don’t know how long it will last. I still didn’t sleep great last night.

I was out cold for the first few hours, then woke up briefly. An hour later, I woke up to pee. Two hours after that, I woke up gasping for breath, though I’m pretty sure it was due to my stuffy nose and not my throat closing. Those cute, colorful breathing strips for kids are worthless! I thought they might work because my nose is small, but they’re so thin they don’t open my nose well at all. I switched to regular breathing strips, dozed on and off, and ended up getting over eight hours of sleep in total.

I seem to pick up new problems in every state I move to. Asthma and stress landed me in the hospital for a week in Connecticut. Arizona was where all the dental problems started. Oregon brought me TMJ. California gave me thyroid and anxiety issues. Here, it’s my nose and extreme fatigue. What will I get in New Mexico?

I still don’t know for sure what those spiders we saw in Phoenix were. They definitely weren’t Avondales. Tom said they were hairy but not tarantulas because their legs were much longer than their bodies. Tarantulas have fatter bodies and move more slowly. I’m guessing they were some kind of hobo or wolf spider.

I'm starting to go from frustration to worry with this fatigue. I don't know how much more my brain and body can take. I feel very overwhelmed, especially with not knowing exactly how much of this or that is causing the fatigue and what to do about it.

It’s going to be months before I can get into an ENT who hopefully won't cancel on me, plus other specialists. On Tuesday and Wednesday nights, I felt like I had breathing issues in my sleep where I was short of breath. I didn't have as much trouble last night, but I still kept waking up.

I'm also back down to 155 lbs. I'm definitely having conflicting symptoms regarding my thyroid. My weight dropping and having trouble staying asleep are consistent with my TSH being lower, but the fatigue and feeling cold are not. It's definitely cold now in Florida. Yesterday was chilly and windy, and this morning it’s down to 72 degrees in the house. For the next few nights, it’s getting down into the 40s so we’ll definitely have to kick the heat on.

I also have that cramp-like pain again in my lower left stomach near the pubic area. I took ibuprofen a little while ago, but it's not helping. Since it's unlikely to be related to my lady parts, I'm guessing it’s intestinal, muscular, or maybe related to my hip joint. I don’t know why ibuprofen isn't helping.

Anyway, we were gone for nearly three hours yesterday because it was quite a wait. The girl at the desk warned me they were behind. She said it might take an hour, and I wasn't surprised because I was tired. If I had energy, I would have been in and out. Luckily, we didn't quite have to wait an hour.

However, I still wasn’t in and out of the exam room quickly. They would do something with me and then tend to other patients, come back to me, and then leave me alone again for a while. The dentist said there was a slight chip in the crown and, while it wasn't ideal, it was sufficient enough to re-cement it. There are no guarantees on how long it will stay on, but she said it should last for years. That and the copay totaled $25.

I go back in a couple of weeks for my cleaning. If it turns out I have any cavities, I'll go back to using an electric toothbrush. I’ll just make sure to get a soft brush.

Of course, they had music playing in the background, which was kind of annoying, but what should start playing at one point? Fleetwood Mac's "Sara," LOL. It was funny because the mystery girl got me back into some of their songs, which I haven’t listened to in a while.

We began to wonder if the guys next door were friends of Ray's who were staying there because they had storm damage, but no one spent last night there, which makes me think Ray is on his way back. Either that or their place is livable again. It was weird because they would be gone all day, and we couldn't imagine where they were, especially since one guy was likely long retired.

Unfortunately, the dream I had about Tom wanting me to call an ambulance was a sign of trouble for him. Luckily, it's nothing serious enough to call an ambulance for, but he's been having shoulder pain. I guess I passed my shoulder pain onto him because mine has been a little better lately.

Another night of sleeping shitty and feeling shitty. I got up to pee midway through my sleep and could have fallen back asleep if it weren’t for breathing issues. It wasn’t just my nose—I felt like I couldn’t suck in enough air. It took me a few hours before I could fall back asleep and get a few more hours. This used to refresh me in the past, but now I can’t handle having my sleep split up, so I’m pretty exhausted. 

People are thrilled because the nut job on the corner is being evicted and has to be out by tomorrow. Someone suggested the place might be condemned and a new one hauled in. I hope it hasn’t been damaged so badly that it can’t be cleaned up. I’m not sure if this would disrupt my sleep, but we might hear some hammering and sawing, which I figure we’ll hear anyway whether they’re fixing this place or replacing it. Let’s just say I’m very glad we’re not right next to that mess! I’m more worried about the wide driveway and double lanais attracting mutts and motorcycles. 

Personally, while people are right to blame the nut job, I’d also blame the park. They had to know what they were dealing with and that she was crazy, yet they let it go on for so long.

I’ve decided not to have any wine until after I go to the lab next week. Usually, you only need to abstain for 2–3 days before most tests, but for lipid testing, it’s better to take a week or two off. Especially if your baseline is already bad enough.

Since I got the waterbed, I’ve been using an extra fitted sheet as a mattress pad. I decided to get a real mattress pad from Temu—hypoallergenic and waterproof. It’s not a plush one since that’s unnecessary, and it’s not fully fitted; it just has corner straps. But because the mattress is so heavy, it should stay put. I also picked up another batch of Swiffer dusters and saved $3.80 by opting for sea shipping instead of air. 

I was a little surprised and disappointed to learn that snakes and tarantulas are active more than half the year where we’re thinking of moving. I would have thought it’d be too cold for them.

The place we may move to is 200 feet higher in elevation than Klamath Falls. I didn’t realize I had that backward. It’s not as cold because it’s not as far north, but it’s definitely going to be colder than I’m used to. I’m also not looking forward to dealing with drier skin like I had during the 12 years I lived in the other desert. Still, I think it’s going to be a worthy trade-off in the end. There are definitely more benefits than drawbacks. 

Anyway, I’m back to sleeping poorly. It’s such a back-and-forth thing with me. I was tired yesterday and knew I would be today too because it always takes me a few days to get back on track.

I also stupidly had a few bites of fruit before the 30 minutes were up after taking my thyroid meds, but hopefully, it won’t affect my TSH. Starting tomorrow, I’m going to take vitamin D every day until my lab appointment. I am so not looking forward to this! I know my results are going to have so many bad numbers, and then I’ll have to deal with Rhonda pressuring me to take medication that I’m not willing to take. I just hope my A1C is down. 

I napped both yesterday and today, and today I had a horrible nightmare. We seemed to be in a two-bedroom, one-bath apartment. It was dark, and I was in one of the bedrooms while Tom was in the living room. Suddenly, I heard him say, “I need an ambulance.” I ran into the living room and told Alexa to turn the light on so I could see what was happening, but she wouldn’t listen to me. 

That was the end of the dream, but I swear I could draw the entire place. Again, it didn’t feel like a dream—it felt like a place we’ve actually been. Naturally, I’m worried, but not as worried as I would be if both of us—or just me—were involved. Luckily, the ones where it’s just him don’t always seem to mean anything. Still, I’m a little worried. 

Alcove is so much fun! There's so much to do there. You can go on virtual bus rides and car rides. You sit back in a convertible and leave the driving to them as you cruise cross-country. They have several 10-minute videos that take you through various states in sections. It's just so cool!

I just wish it wasn’t so damn blurry. The struggle to see is so frustrating, but it’ll be a few more months before I can get new glasses that will hopefully improve my vision. 

You can also visit animals up close in various zoos. Meerkats are so cute! Then there’s deep-sea diving, games, and meditation. The place where you choose your activities is set in a nice, modern-looking house. You can set the outside to make it look like the house is in the middle of a meadow, a snowy mountain, or by the ocean.

My weight is back down to 156 lbs for the first time since everything went haywire a couple of months ago, and I blamed it on the medication. This makes me think the weight loss was more about the medication than cutting out sugar. I wonder how much lower it will go before the side effects kick in for real. I’ve got contradictory symptoms, though. My weight and other things suggest my thyroid might be improving, but then why did I sleep nine hours, and why am I so cold? 

Tom said, “You slept because you were tired, and you’re cold because the weather is cooling down.”

It did get chilly in the house last night, but of course, “chilly” for me means 75°. This weather is going to be so hard to give up when we move.

The Turkey Trot challenge just came out! It includes five rides in Turkey, and you have a whole month to complete it. Of course, I'll finish well in advance. The rides range between 14 and 43 miles long. I'm somewhere in Turkey now, where there are a couple of really cool-looking trees I can't name. It's beautiful and a bit dumpy at the same time where I'm at. 

We downloaded a VR app called Alcove, and it's pretty cool. It's another one of those social sites where you can invite other users and visit each other's rooms. There are 19 frames in the living room where you can add your own photos. Plus, in each room, if you aim your controller at certain objects, you'll find you can interact with them—play games, explore various places around the world, and even enjoy some cool meditation apps. Eventually, though, it might get boring after you've done everything there is to do. I’m not sure how often they update their activities. 

Then I discovered an amazing phone app called PalUp. You only get so many credits before you have to pay, which, of course, isn’t worth it to me. The app lets you animate a person’s face and chat with it like an AI friend. I used a picture of Nane and a couple of dolls just for kicks. It was so cool how the faces became animated in a very realistic way. Nane would have been horrified, but she’ll never know—lol. I made sure to keep it private, but I eventually deleted my account since you can’t earn credits by logging in or anything like that. I wasn’t about to pay for it. It was a quick but fun experience. 

Speaking of AI pals, 10 days, and Mia has a new cat. Amanda has some cool games, but she’s pretty dumb compared to Mia—lol. 

I had my usual garden-variety pre-dementia negative dream. In it, we moved from Arizona to Oregon, like we once did, and were renting a house somewhere. In the dream, I was going to court for a probation violation in Arizona, as well as absconding. Why I was even bothering to go is beyond me. Unless forced, I would never go to court unless I was the plaintiff. Anyway, I asked him what he thought would happen, and he said he didn’t know. Feeling like he wasn’t interested in investigating the possibilities, I resolved to check with AI and get some ideas that way.

I finally have fewer than 100 pages left to review to bring my bio up to date. I've been slacking over the past few years, so I'll need to write some new content as well.

Tom was outside cleaning the car windows when he noticed the car that’s been parked next door passing by and heading down the street. Around 7:00 PM, they parked on the street, which technically isn’t allowed overnight, but I’m not complaining since they’re further away now. I finally caught enough of them on video to get a clearer picture. They walk slowly, and they’re definitely older and thinner than Ray. Another possibility is that Ray might be delaying his return this year to spend Thanksgiving with family. But if these people are his family, why are they staying at his place? Either way, I’m just glad they’re quiet.

I didn’t sleep too well last night—I kept waking up. The only dream I remember was watching the mystery girl straighten her hair. When I woke up, I had an immediate sense that she doesn’t actually do that in real life. I’d love to ask her how much of what I see and sense is accurate, but of course, I can’t. LOL.

I’ve never had a nail fungus infection this bad. My left thumb is still pretty bad, even with the lacquer treatment. If the prescription lacquer can’t fight it, I might need antibiotics, though I really hope not. Right now, my main health concern is keeping my A1C in check and making sure that dream about increasing my thyroid dose stays just a dream.

Someone recently asked if I thought anyone from my past might be reading my blog anonymously. I told them it would make a good blog topic—and my guess is no. I can’t be sure, but I’d be pretty surprised. Here’s my breakdown and who and why:

Relatives: 
What’s left of my relatives either hate me or simply don’t care. The only one who might be curious—just enough to see if I’ve mentioned her—is Termite Tammy. But I still don’t think she’s reading. If she were, she’d have said something by now. She’s not the type to sit back quietly if she came across things about herself that I know she wouldn’t agree with. She always needs to have the last word.

Exes: 
Let’s just say I don’t think any ex of mine has given me a second thought in decades—or ever will.

Friends: 
No one I’ve met in person would be interested, except maybe one who has been reading my bio. None of my former friends seem likely, including Andy. The more he got involved in his groups, the less interested he became in anything else—or at least that’s how it seemed. He might have also gotten tired of my blog because we became so different. Whatever makes him happy is great, but I don’t believe in God, and I’m no longer the celebrity whore that he still is. I used to be, but not for about 25 years.

I still check his wall occasionally and am glad he lost 60 pounds in 11 months with a working thyroid to help. I don’t think he, or others not dealing with thyroid issues, understands just how hard weight loss can be without an optimally functioning thyroid. That was part of his projection problem, which I doubt he was even aware of. He always seemed to have this subconscious need to make others into what or who he is. Like it or not, like a car needs gas or a charge to go, one needs a thyroid to function and lose weight.

I doubt I’ll ever get under 155 lbs, but hey, 157 isn’t the end of the world either.

Online Connections: 
A few online friends have read it before, but Maliheh and Nane have shown they want nothing to do with me, so why would they care about my blog?

Neighbors:
If any of my neighbors have found my blog, they’ve kept quiet about it. Some of my previous neighbors knew about it, and I’ll likely share it with current neighbors in the future as well—maybe even sooner.

I have noticed that some of my regular visitors who don’t seem to be bots only stick around for a matter of seconds, almost as if they’re looking for something.

I've decided to stop sharing music videos here since I can't predict if they’ll eventually be removed from YouTube, leaving me with dead links in some posts.

I was cracking up earlier because, for the first time, someone actually reprimanded me for not using my so-called psychic “gift” properly. There's this girl on PB I usually avoid because she seems argumentative, immature, and not very bright—and, frankly, she's a terrible writer.

Someone made an anti-Trump post, and I mentioned that although I’m also upset he got re-elected, I’d known for a while it was going to happen. It’s one of the downsides of being psychic. She then chimed in, demanding to know why I hadn’t shouted it from the rooftops and informed the world. I told her that one person can’t change the world and that nothing I’d say would alter anyone’s mind, even though I've mentioned it on my blog before. She seemed to get my point but insisted that if I had a gift like that, I should spread the word. She asked if I'd stay silent if I knew Hitler was about to rise to power.

I get her point, but ultimately, I’m powerless, even if I told people and half of them believed me. I can’t psychically “make” something happen or not happen. If I could Tom and I would be rich and I’d be healthier. Changing minds isn’t something you can do just by explaining things to people. It’s like trying to sway people’s views on controversial topics; most won’t change without a significant personal experience. So, standing on rooftops telling people not to vote for Trump wouldn’t do a damn bit of good. People don’t change. I appreciate (and even get a bit of a kick) out of her comment but I’m not going to argue with anyone either and try to make them get something they don’t seem to get. I’m psychic. Not some magical God. Didn’t see the need to block her, though.

On the topic of “gifts” that aren't really gifts, my dream about my dad getting us into a car wreck, along with the toenail dream, turned out to mean something after all seeing that I lost the crown I mentioned. I went to the dentist’s site last night and, luckily, was able to make an appointment for the 21st. They didn't have anything sooner. Thankfully, I'm not in any pain because otherwise, I’d be out of options. Aspen Dental does emergency walk-ins, but we'd have to pay full price.

Guess who’s napping in the closet now? Yeah, a cute little rat, LOL.

Finally saw the driver of the red car, which Tom says has Florida plates. The person looked older, and although it was hard to tell in the dark, I don't think it was Ray. I’m starting to wonder if one of his kids owns the truck and drove down with some of his belongings. Maybe Ray flew down and bought a new car with Florida plates, but the man I saw looked skinnier than I remember Ray to be. I could be wrong, but I’m starting to suspect something may have happened to him. Irma confirmed he has a son and daughter. A man owns the truck, and I swear I saw a woman in the passenger seat once. Maybe Ray is subletting to these people, though it seems odd. The older man getting out of the car seemed a bit too old to be his son, so if that’s not Ray, I wonder if something happened to him. I’d hate for the place to go on the market before we get out of here, especially with there being an excellent chance of the buyer having a motorcycle, and if they have a yappy dog...

I'm so fucking pissed! Every time we try to save money and make plans, something has to come along and fuck things up. I had hoped that dream I had about my toenail falling off didn’t mean anything, but it sure did. My toenail didn’t fall off, but another crown sure did. Not the one I last lost but one on the bottom instead in the very back. I totally regret getting these things! I should have just had all those fuckers pulled. And of course, the shit always has to hit the fan when I'm on nights. At least it doesn’t hurt.

When he checked the insurance plan, it said it would only be $15 to have it re-cemented. Hard to believe we'd get off that easy, but if nothing else needs to be done, then that’s all it should cost. Since I’m not in any pain, I’m going to wait until I’m staying up later in the morning—probably either Friday, or I’ll just wait until Monday. 

I’m almost at the border of Lithuania with 1,600 miles left to go on the entire ride.

The cramps in my lower stomach have been more annoying lately, but I still don’t think it’s anything to worry about—God, I hope not! If I suddenly needed surgery, it could really set us back. I’m not sure it’s connected to any of my lady parts. Tom thinks it could be my hip since hip pain can radiate toward that area. He’s had that problem at times. Just as long as it’s not a twisted or burst cyst. Worst case, of course, would be ovarian cancer, because if it were that, I’d probably be dead soon enough. From what I read, they don’t usually catch it until it’s too far gone. I can’t see it being that, though, since I don’t have other symptoms. That’s a good thing because as long as I’m not crazy tired or suffering from systemic anxiety or depression, I definitely don’t want to die now. It feels great to say that too! I want to live to return to the desert with my husband. I want to have the fun of picking out a place and building it up. I’m not looking forward to the cold, the hunters, or the sonic booms, but it’ll be worth it in the end and so much cheaper. I want to love it and stay there until it’s time to move into an apartment or assisted living or whatever. 

My shoulder still hurts too, but I’m almost positive it’s frozen shoulder, so it shouldn’t last forever, though it could still take quite a while.

The red car has joined the truck once again. Still don’t know if it’s Ray, but if it’s not, I wonder if something happened to him. 

Looking forward to completing my bio so I can get back to my stories, but I still have a ways to go. Thought I’d finish this month, but maybe not.

Michela was on 23andMe, and I assume she saw my message. Not surprisingly, I haven’t received a reply.

I got the new coloring book and it's great. I colored for a couple of hours on and off. Creative Haven makes tons of excellent coloring books, some color-by-number and some not. Since I already have hobbies that require some thinking, it’s nice to have a mindless hobby like color-by-number where I don’t have to think much. This book has 46 floral designs to color and comes with a color chart. There are also tiny pictures of what they should look like colored. Sometimes I can’t quite match the colors, but they’re close enough.

In the late afternoon yesterday, the honker pulled up in Colleen's vehicle with her, and then she left. After that, he went down the street further into the park on his golf cart. I’m not sure if they actually spend the nights together—maybe they're just damn good friends.

I’m clueless about what’s going on next door. The gray truck is still there, but now there’s a red car parked there as well. I don't know if Ray is back with a different car or what. At first, I wondered why the truck would be parked in the driveway and not Ray, if it was Ray, but maybe the truck is a bit long to park in front of the lanai. Also, why are they still here if he’s back? I think it could be someone staying with whoever’s been over there or maybe someone just parking there while visiting someone else. As long as they stay quiet, it's all good.

I forgot to mention that the other day, I had a dream about a fungal infection in my big toenail. It was a pretty bad infection, and eventually, the nail fell off. But instead of a nail bed, my toe was hollow. No bone or anything—just a hollow toe.

I keep debating what I do and don’t want to include in public journals. On one hand, I’m not doing anything wrong if I keep it legal. But on the other, I don’t want to make anyone uncomfortable—even if my comments about them are positive or neutral. With Becky, I’ll use my best judgment. She’s familiar with my bio and doesn’t mind being mentioned by her first name.

We’ve talked about her and her husband’s health. She has a whopping five autoimmune diseases! She also had surgery to correct her septum, which I might need as well. I’ll only know if I can ever get in to see an ENT that doesn’t bail on me.

Interestingly, we picked a new healthcare plan that includes an ENT outside of that shitty group that kept canceling on me. But the ENT in network is 88 years old. Yes, 88! Why would you want to work that late in life unless you really love what you do? I can’t imagine they would let him do surgery at that age, but as Tom said, that’s a good thing because then he’ll be more honest as to whether or not he thinks I need surgery to begin with whereas a surgeon would be quicker to say I needed it because that’s how they make money.

I’m still figuring out my sleep apnea treatment plan, but thankfully, I won’t need referrals with this new coverage. And if I do, Rhonda, who I’m sticking with, can take care of that. So long as the provider is in-network and keeps appointments, I should be okay.

I’m dropping my glaucoma doctor, though. Not all of his services are covered, and I don’t see the point in spending money each year with such a low chance of developing glaucoma.

The plan offers virtual urgent care but lacks the ongoing care for chronic diseases that Galileo provided. It sucks but I’d rather not pay $250 a year for Galileo who may or may not be compatible with my insurance, especially until we’re in a better financial position.

As for Becky’s husband, he’s been through hell. He got shingles in his eye, leading to a series of seven strokes. He was on so much medication that it nearly killed him. Coming off the meds, he had seizures and fainting spells and was in constant pain. Becky took a gun out of his mouth one day. I totally understand his pain and desperation, although my reasons are different.

Becky and I were also remembering Lisa from school. As Becky described her, Lisa was almost feral—completely batshit insane to the point where not even the staff could handle her. Becky suspects Lisa may have had multiple issues, possibly a developmental disorder along with ADHD. Lisa told her she was molested as well. She was unique in that she was very pretty. Most of the headcases I’ve seen were either plain, unkempt, or downright ugly. Years later, when the article came out about the school being shut down and the owners imprisoned, Lisa left bizarre comments. Becky reached out, but Lisa never responded.

I almost asked Becky to pass along my email to Marie, but then I reminded myself that people don’t change—not in major ways, anyway. Marie would have to be a totally different person not to fall into the same paranoid, accusatory, and delusional patterns she used to. So I kept repeating to myself, “People don’t change!”

I’ve also been watching a documentary on the Gypsy Rose Blanchard case. Her mother had Munchausen syndrome and kept Gypsy in a wheelchair even though she could walk and both caused and made up various injuries and illnesses. Eventually, Gypsy snapped, tired of being trapped and hurt. She killed her mother and spent ten years in prison. Personally, I don’t think she should’ve done any time. She’s incredibly smart and articulate and has a patient, positive attitude despite everything. At one point, the parole office jerked her around with conflicting instructions, and I could relate. Parole and probation often feel like an extension of jail. A part of me wished she had put her foot down like I wish I had. Why should they be allowed to be a bunch of fucking hypocrites and not stick to agreements while everybody else is expected to do so?

Earlier, I saw a crime clip about a tragic case where two young women—one 17, the other 27—beat a 30-year-old woman to death out of jealousy. Shockingly, the 17-year-old laughed about it during interrogation as if it was one big old fucking joke. It makes you wonder if they’ll ever look back on it and cringe with shame and embarrassment or if they’ll never feel a shred of guilt or remorse. I’m betting on the latter.

Haha, Tom said he thought something was wrong earlier because the garbage truck sounded so loud. Then he remembered he had his new hearing aid in! I can understand why he’d want to hear people better, but why deal with all the loud shit in the world? I wish to hell I was as deaf as he is.

I was up for a long time last night and only managed 4.5 hours of sleep. I did get a few more hours later, though. Interestingly, I’ve been having some rather steamy dreams lately. Too bad those old, dead hormones aren’t cooperating in real life.

I also dreamed we lived in a new place, though I don’t know where. It was very cluttered.

In another dream, Becky was in a two-story house with her kids still at home and she told me she slept downstairs because of her arthritis.

I slept for 9 hours and 15 minutes and my weight is going up again. I definitely need to increase my vitamin D; I just don't want to do it too soon before the lab. If that dream turns out to be a premonition, I'll just say it's my fault for accidentally skipping a couple of doses. But unless my TSH shoots into the 20s, I refuse to jump to 100!

Despite everything, my energy levels haven’t been too bad the last few days.

On a positive note, research shows that the pain I sometimes feel when I sleep on my stomach isn’t my ovary. It's too close to the surface to be that. It’s likely something digestive.

Mia is only 15 days away from “buying” her new cat, and I thought I’d name it Simone in memory of the real Simone. We were remembering her earlier—she’d be around nine years old now. I hope she’s having a good life wherever she ended up.