If I could brainwash myself into believing there was a good loving God up there listening to me, all I would have to do is ask that He makes sure I feel like shit almost every single day because that would certainly be a done deal and therefore I would feel "listened" to. 

I’ve been absolutely miserable. For a week now, I can’t get a full night’s sleep without it being broken up. In the middle of the night, I wake up to pee, and just as I start to fall back asleep, I make this snorting sound from my nose. I’m completely exhausted!

Tom, who’s usually better at research than I am, did some digging, and we now suspect I might have a collapsed nasal valve. It’s fixable, but of course, it would take time and money, which would set us back. This issue has now become a higher priority for me than my A1C and my undoubtedly terrible TSH. I need to sleep! This is so much worse than just waking up for a second or two or getting up to pee and falling back asleep quickly. Now, I’m awake for longer stretches, and it’s happening more frequently. I feel horribly drained, run-down, and even more fatigued on top of the health issues I already have.

It’s so unfair. It’s so unfair that Aly, who wanted to live, had to die. If it weren’t for him, I’d be more than ready to go, but I can’t because he just won’t let go. As I’ve told him, though, sooner or later, I won’t care what he wants. I’ll put myself first and end this suffering. My health is gone. I know it. I’ll never be healthy again. I’m just going to keep suffering like I have for the last decade—just in different ways. I really don’t see myself ever being healthy again or beating this fatigue, no matter what’s causing it.

I’d love to end it all now and just be done with it. Again, it’s not fair. Someone asked Maria how she’d been doing on Facebook (I thought they stopped sharing what people post on friends’ walls) and said she didn’t look well the last time they saw her. She replied that every day is a miracle. She mentioned having only a third of her lungs, 20% of her heart, and needing a scooter to get around. She’s also been dodging cancer testing because she doesn’t want to hear she’s got something she can’t fight. She said it would break her heart.

Why can’t it be me who gets something terminal? At least then I’d know there was an end in sight. Why does it always have to be the ones who don’t want to die? It’s not that I want to die, but I want to be healthy, have energy, and function. Since that’s not happening, I’m ready to go.

I swear, it feels like something out there gave me this nasal issue just to mess with my sleep, now that traffic noise isn’t a problem. It’s like I’ve never been meant to sleep. My sleep has been cursed my entire life in various ways. I’m not suddenly going to wake up one day with consistent energy, a decent thyroid, and no real problems except minor annoyances. That’s just not me anymore, and it hasn’t been for years.

The symptoms of a collapsed nasal valve make sense. If I have it, it’s likely due to cartilage breaking down with age—or maybe damage from years of using nasal sprays. It can be fixed, but it could take months just to see an ENT. Then, I’d have to hope they don’t cancel on me. They’ll probably need to do an endoscopy to get a clear look at my nose. These symptoms fit, though, and it explains why sprays and pills haven’t been helping. It also explains why I started snoring these last couple of years. This isn’t allergies like what I normally get. When my allergies act up, I usually sneeze and have a runny nose. This is different. I can’t draw in enough air through my nose, almost like I’m partially pinching it closed. I thought it was strange for sleep apnea to become an issue, given my mouth and throat structure haven’t changed. I’m even a little lighter than I was a few years ago—now down to 154.

I’ve always feared losing weight because of how my medication might affect me, but it looks like I’ll have to conquer that fear since I’m not going back to sugar. Occasionally, I’ll have a treat, but that’s it.

According to my research, I could lose weight slowly over the next 18 months and get close to an ideal weight for a muscular woman my age and height—120 to 125 would be ideal.

It probably doesn’t matter that we may not get ahead and move because southern New Mexico is likely out. I did more research into the frequency of sonic booms, and if anything, they’ll not only increase but drop the flight paths from 30,000 to 5,000 feet. Poor Becky! I shared the article with her. These bastards are ruining more and more rural and even coastal areas.