The ENT checked my ears, eyes, and throat, and everything looked good. He even felt my jaw and neck. He said allergy testing takes 45 minutes and gave me a list of medications to avoid a week in advance. He mentioned that if you take antihistamines, the tests will come back negative. Benzos are on the list, but there isn’t anything else I take that’s listed. First, we're going to call and find out how much we’re expected to pay. If it’s too much, then it’s not worth it. If it’s reasonable, we’ll schedule testing. I don't think I need shots, even if I could be available for them but I would still like to know what I'm allergic to.

Our recycling pail disappeared on this windy day, so I jumped on the park group to ask if anyone had seen it. Turns out, a woman at the end of our street had posted a picture of it in her driveway. So, Tom went and got it. She deleted the post after I thanked her.

The Honker went out on the motorcycle twice yesterday, but not yet today. It was pouring earlier. All his guests are still here. It’s still weird to have so many people visit just to crash at your place and use your truck, or at least it seems that way. Four people returned in the truck yesterday, laughing up a storm. Must have had a fun time at the beach or something. I hope they leave tomorrow so I don’t have to hear the motorcycle again anytime soon. Hopefully, there won’t be too many more projects until he leaves either. He’s down to about 45 more days left here.

We really lucked out with Ray. No TV blasting this year—at least none that I know of.

The prescription mouthwash they recommended didn’t cost anything, but the fluoride toothpaste was $20 on Amazon. The dentist would have charged $30 if we had gotten it directly from them. No jaw pain as I expected, but using a soft manual toothbrush for a few days is wise since the electric one might irritate my gums until they heal.

Still waiting on January’s Medicare freebies.

Also, Rhonda and her staff are kind of pissing me off. I called yesterday to find out if the lab orders were being mailed to me since I haven’t received them, and I ended up being left on hold forever. So, I hung up. Eventually, they left a message to call them back. When I called again, another girl told me to hang on, then said someone would reply to the message I left on the portal. But no one has yet. Why is it so hard to answer two simple questions? I just want to know if the lab orders are on their way and whether Rhonda wants to see me in person in June or if a virtual appointment is enough.

I asked the park group if they could recommend a tree-cutting service. A couple of people said you had to go through the office first. I didn’t say this because there was no need to since we can just do what we gotta do, but there’s no way in hell I’m letting the park police a property that we pay for. If we want something cut down, we’ll cut it down. Period. However, we decided to save a few hundred dollars (or more) by getting a $50 pole saw and lopping off the branches that could be a threat in a storm. It should get here soon.

Since Toni was nice enough to let me know when she was dog-sitting, even though I never heard the thing, I’ll return the favor and let her know we’re going to be cutting the trees and ask if there’s any particular time she’d prefer quiet.

The more I think about it, the more I just don't see how we could ever get out of here, even if we got top dollar for this place. That's because "top dollar" in the condition it's in would only bring us roughly 40 grand—maybe slightly more, but not much. How do we get land and even a cheap, tiny, fabricated home, plus the solar panels, septic, and all that?

Like it or not, I think we would have a better chance of staying put and fixing this place up. I'll just have to deal with the allergy aspect of it—it hasn't killed me yet. I don't like the idea of being in a flight path for the rest of my life or spending roughly 8–9 more years with the Honker and his motorcycle and projects. But hey, at least the weather is great most of the year, and it's not an expensive state.

Time to set new goals. If we can ever get ahead enough to save more money, then I think we should finish the bedroom walls, redo at least part of the floors, and see about adding cabinets in the kitchen.

I don't have as much energy as yesterday. I was up a long time, and that, along with a cocktail of Benadryl and melatonin, caused me to wake up groggy. The protein shake still helped me wake up a little more than if I didn’t have it, but I'm not like yesterday. I'll take a full clonazepam before bed tonight because I have an appointment tomorrow, and hopefully, the fucker across the street won't wake me up. I was just lying there awake at about 7:40 this morning when I heard him go out on the motorcycle because all his guests took the truck but could barely hear it over one sound machine. It should be OK with both sound machines. Besides, he moved the thing not too long ago when I was sleeping and didn’t wake me up. I always have the portable sound machine in addition, in case the internet cuts out my nature sounds.

A couple of hours later, the motorcycle returned, and then the truck—and now the truck just left. I think he was driving, but I can't swear to it. I don’t get why you would let a bunch of people crash at your place and use your truck to go off by themselves so much of the time.

I looked in last year's journal, and they won’t leave until the 6th. So, two more days of the motorcycle, and then he'll probably go back to his projects. Should only have about 40-something days left here. If there's any more… ICE, ICE, baby!

The truck returned, and the passenger jumped out, ran into the house, and then back into the truck. They probably forgot something. And no, the Honker wasn’t with them because he just left on the motorcycle again—albeit quickly and quietly. It still amazes me how much sound comes from this one house in an adult community. I don’t hear his guests inside our house, though.

I created a third Gmail account so I could have journal docs in one account, stories in another, and various odds and ends in the third.

Because I had a dentist appointment today and an ENT appointment the day after tomorrow, I decided to polish my nails. I figure a couple of days isn't going to hurt anything. Meanwhile, I'm going to enjoy those 48 hours of glorious color! Then I’ll resume the vinegar treatments.

The deep cleaning was uncomfortable to a degree, as expected, but nothing I couldn't handle. If anything, I was eager to get it done and relieved when the first half was finished. I go back in two weeks for the second half.

All of my teeth were polished and flossed before she worked on the left side. I was able to get by with just their numbing gel. It was pretty powerful stuff compared to Orajel. She had to reapply it a few times, but it got me through, and I was far from needing an injection. Maybe I will be later, but right now, my mouth isn't sore at all—just tasted blood for a while. 

I was going to treat myself to some Chinese food after the appointment, but they're closed on Mondays. My next appointment will be on a Tuesday, so I'll get it then.

She gave me a soft-bristled toothbrush for the next few days as my gums heal.

We now have cucumbers, tomatoes, romaine, and radishes well on the way. Unfortunately, the zinnias died right away. When the mix of berry seeds arrives, I'll plant raspberries and blueberries in the two remaining pods.

It's amazing how well this system works and how easy it is! It came with dirt cones with holes in the centers that are about half an inch deep. You soak them for half an hour in water. I thought they'd fall apart, but nope. They held their shape. You then place them in a plastic cone basket, drop the seeds in with tweezers, and stick them in the pod.

The very first thing you do is fill the tank that the lower part of the cones are in and add plant food. There is a clear line so you can keep an eye on the water level. The mister creates a heavy fog between the bottoms of the cones and the top of the water. The grow lights are set to run between 6:30 AM and 6:30 PM.

I have complained about fatigue to multiple doctors for years. Why didn't any of them think to tell me about protein shakes?! They're a miracle! Two days ago, I was more exhausted than I had been in a while due to not sleeping long enough for a couple of days. So I took a full clonazepam two days ago and slept 9.5 hours. I thought I would be in for a long, hungover kind of day, but I perked up. These protein shakes really do help. Normally, I would be exhausted on a day like today because my sleep got broken up last night. I woke up at 2:30 and thought, This is way too early to be up. So I decided I would at least lie there until 4:00 and managed to eventually doze back off.

The honker seems to have a whole bunch of people staying with him. Two days ago, I saw just one girl get in his truck. Then the other day, I saw two girls, and later, eight people hit the pool. Eight people! Never saw a baby, though. Don't know if they were all staying with him, as I get the impression they're also visiting others they all know. But he's got to have at least four or five people staying at his place. It's the bastard's birthday today, and he had visitors at this time last year as well.

He also rode the motorcycle from the back to the front of his place, got off it, got back on it a few minutes later, and then left. 

The GF has been in the picture at times, too. When the others were doing their own thing yesterday, she picked him up in her SUV. She was at his place last night too. 

It's always party- or project-central at his place—well, at least way more than anyone else around here seems to be. Forty-something more days and he's gone!

The hydroponic garden system came yesterday, and we've got eight different herbs and veggies started! The two in the back row are tomatoes and butterhead lettuce. The middle row has romaine, cilantro, oregano, and spinach. In front are cucumbers and radishes.

Can't wait to eventually add fruits and flowers!

Love my Girl Moments coloring book too. They're not overly detailed but not under-detailed either. Just the perfect amount to color per page. My only complaint is that the pages aren’t perforated for removal.

One of the honker's daughters must be visiting because the truck isn't there yet I just saw him. I guess that means he's gonna start making up for lost motorcycle time. Bastard didn't work yesterday, so I wouldn't be surprised if he did today. The lanai must be somewhat done, though, because I now see blinds in its windows.

Later...

Yeah, it's the honker's daughter. The one that’s by herself. Hopefully, she won't want to be off doing things as much as the other one did since she's alone, although I reckon she too knows people in the area just like her prick of the father.

I'm excited because today the hydroponic system arrives from Amazon! Since it was so expensive to pick out what I wanted in single packets of seeds, we got a variety pack of veggies specifically made for hydroponic systems. It’s a 6-salad seed packed with romaine, butterhead, radishes, cherry tomatoes, mini cucumbers, and spinach. Tom later found that Temu has cheaper seeds, so we'll eventually get more from there. We're just starting out, after all, so we need to really get our feet wet in this sort of thing and learn how it works. Once we see how what we've got does, we can always get more. It's good to stagger things anyway—we wouldn’t want to consume everything and then have to wait for more stuff to grow.

The unit has an extendable grow light and a mister that will cycle on and off. 

I also have another coloring book coming.

I used the temporary hair dye yesterday, and it seems to cover well enough, but I can't really get a sense of just how good it is until more gray grows out. I’m surprised I’m not even more gray than I am by now, seeing that I'm less than a year from 60. I have a lot of gray at the temples, where most people get hit with it, but I'm pretty salt and pepper everywhere else.

Since my sleep seems to go in cycles, it's definitely time to take a whole clonazepam before bed and start paying off some of the sleep debt I've been racking up over the last few days. I wish I could at least get refreshed through naps, but this doesn't usually work.

I had to delete that app. The urge to go after some of these people was too strong. The best I can do is entertain thoughts of attacking them in my mind, which is perfectly legal. I would never kill them if we lived in a lawless world because that would be too good for them, nor would I cut off their junk because that would be messy. Giving them the beating of their lives and a real reason to hate women would be more appealing. But again, this is just fantasy because no piece of scum is worth throwing my own freedom and life away for.

It's just all wrong that these people are allowed to roam free. In that case, you might as well start letting murderers walk. I just don't understand what's wrong with this backward world at times.

Really like the pajamas I got from Walmart (long pants, short sleeves), so I'm getting another set. Only this one has a midnight blue sky with stars and planets instead of a lighter blue sky with clouds and moons.

Since I haven't had any burning, I decided to do a test, and sure enough, the leukocytes are still there. At least now I know they're meaningless.

Some of the games I play show me ads for other apps so I downloaded an interesting-looking one called Newsbreak that has a map that shows you the exact location of crimes in the neighborhood, including sex offenders, and OMFG! We are literally drowning in a sea of perverts! These are only the ones caught, tried, and convicted, so I can just imagine what the map would look like if the real truth were revealed. How the hell can all these animals be allowed to roam free??? 

There are none in here since they don't let you in with a record. Or at least none in here that have ever been caught. But there is one direct behind us outside of the park. There are a few just outside of the park actually, but the one in back is the closest.

Some are in their eighties with their last offense being in the '80s or ‘90s. At least the last one they got caught for. I always heard that just like with serial killers, they don't stop. They just keep going and going until they're literally stopped or get too old. 

The urge to take out some of the trash is there but I'm getting too old for jail. I wish more vigilantes were willing to do the right thing. Sometimes it takes extreme measures to get positive change. But because of my age and health issues, my own hands are tied. I can only sit and wish I could have a little alone time with the pervie over the fence, assuming its address is up to date. Instead, they’ll never know how lucky they are!

Just got the monthly newsletter. Oh, so now they think they're doing 4-sided inspections instead of 3 (starting yesterday). They claim they'll contact everyone regardless, but those meeting their standards will just get a "keep up the good work" message.

Just let me know when they complain, I told Tom, and don't do anything you wouldn't normally do for yourself. As soon as they start, we'll remind them that they not only don't tell us what to do, but they also don't dictate what we do with things we paid for. Especially after they let someone trash their place just because they were crazy. If they were that unstable, they shouldn't have been allowed in here in the first place.

I decided back in 2003 that I wouldn't let anyone parent me—or us—ever again, and that rule still stands, no matter how much power or leverage someone thinks they have over us. They can commend and compliment us all they want, but I'm not about to be ordered around by people I don't even know regarding things we own and pay for.

I think I got sleep apnea’d awake. At least I seemed to have breathing issues upon waking up and they didn’t seem connected to my nose. It’s either that or medication accumulation, but right now, I’m breathing fine and suspect sleep apnea. 

Why did I have to get so fucking fat?! I wouldn’t give a shit if it weren’t for health issues and the fact that it’s harder to get around with the extra weight. It limits my range of mobility—at least as an older person, it does. I have seen younger people much bigger than me who are way more flexible, and all I can do is sit and say, how? How, how, how?

No guarantees losing 30 pounds would do me any good anyway, though, because again, things still change with age, and my throat structure is still what it is. But it might help with other things like cholesterol and blood pressure. Oh well. I’ll never know what it may or may not help with because I’m not losing it—not with the sheer slavery it would take in my case due to my thyroid issues and not with how the medication could affect me since it’s weight-dependent.

I have a bad feeling that, for whatever reason, I’m due for another shitty sleep spell. I knew it was coming anytime now. Unfortunately, these are never isolated incidents. So the question isn’t if I’m going to be tired for days, but how many days? 

In a couple of hours, it’s supposed to rain for nearly 24 hours. The other question is whether or not it’s going to thunder while I’m sleeping.

Rain will keep him off the motorcycle but won’t stop him from working since he’s worked in the rain before, and I can see he’s far from done. It’s been two fucking months already! How did we go from projects that took a few days to what’s now a couple of months? Cock started at 8:00 a.m. and didn’t wrap it up until after dark. He worked for about 12 hours, but Tom didn’t hear anything. It was mostly quiet work. If he did use the saw and the hammer, it was minimal. Tom said it looked like he’s still adding baseboards. The bastard’s place isn’t much bigger than ours, so how many baseboards could he need?

If I didn’t know any better, I would think it was aimed at me since he’s increased his work since he dumped me. Tom thinks he planned to do this ever since he got the place, which I suspect was in 2019.

Part of me thinks he’s prepping to sell but just isn’t saying so, just like we’re not saying so until and if it actually comes time. I can’t believe he would ever quit being a snowbird, though, because he really seems to love it here and knows a lot of people throughout the state. So if he is prepping to move and it’s got nothing to do with Colleen, maybe he plans to relocate within the state. Since he’s not bringing in the money he used to when he was working, it makes sense that he would do all he could to milk whatever he could out of the place if he were planning to sell. Tom doesn’t think he is going to sell. I wish he would, although I would still be nervous about what we may end up with. Yes, he can be too in-my-face, but at least he’s not here half the year. I don’t want to end up with full-time barking and revving motorcycles that we can’t do anything about no matter how much we complain.

Added a little water to the waterbed tubes since I got a bit of stretching, especially with a soft side. Of course, opening and closing the tubes was a pain in the ass, though worth it. We’ll have to do it again in a couple of months to add conditioner. 

Not sure if the lacquer was really going to help my thumbnail, so I resumed soaking it in vinegar.

Today was the park yard sale. I knew I'd have to sleep this day with my shit luck, so I didn’t even bother to check the calendar. Besides, we don’t have much extra money anyway, and personally, I don’t care to mingle with these delusional hate-mongers.

Got some fruity red Franzia wine. It’s different because it’s a bag in a box with a little tap dispenser at the bottom. Went with a “lightweight” wine this time at 9% rather than the 13.5% that Merlot has. This way, it doesn’t make my heart race much. I’m also using up our 4 oz cups, so that’s slightly less than a typical 5 oz serving.

I wish I could be excitedly taking advantage of today’s tools and working on a story, but I just can’t get anything going. I miss that sense of productivity, even if it was for nothing in the end other than doing it just to do it. I thought of adding more to some past stories, then I thought of doing a twist on those stories, and I also tried to come up with new ideas, but nothing really excites me. I miss the days when I would get ideas faster than I could get them into print. Of course, 20 years ago, I had to write everything myself. The Dragon speech-to-text software they had back then was a joke. It seems like speech-to-text didn’t really become reliable until around 2015.

Although I didn’t hear much in the house other than a few bumps and bangs since I got up in the middle of the afternoon, the Honker was doing something at his place. It seems like half of the time, he’s out, and the other half, he’s puttering about doing something. I have a feeling next year is going to be even worse when he tackles the larger lanai. I’d love to remind him that this is a retirement community, not a goddamn workshop. But like it or not, he does have a right to remodel his place during daytime hours. Besides, what he works on isn’t nearly as much of a threat to my sleep as the motorcycle. I’m sure I’ll be hearing that again anytime now too, though.

Andy’s not giving up easily. He sent a lame meme. I do love and miss him, and I do feel a bit guilty, but I just can’t do it. I can’t go through the same old cycle of “everybody’s a liar and making excuses.” I can’t deal with the memory issues and having to repeat myself over and over again. I also can’t keep playing the comparison game, with him making me into him. I’m not him, and I don’t make "excuses" because I don’t need to. He has no power over me, so there’s no reason I couldn’t tell him like it was. It was his inability to accept what he didn't want to hear that really got on my nerves. True friends just don't do that.

Again, I contemplated going along with some of the delusional beliefs he would have about me, not bothering to correct him or defend myself, but I just don’t feel comfortable doing that because then I do feel like I’m lying to him. On top of all this, we have nothing in common. We have the past in common but we don’t have the present in common. I don’t believe in God, I'm not obsessed with my weight, I’m not obsessed with celebrities, and we don’t even usually like the same jokes and memes. We disagree on a lot of political and societal issues as well.

I decided it was best to block messages from him, which I should have done a long time ago. I don’t want to give him false hope. Explaining my reasons never got me anywhere in the past, so I’m not going to waste my time trying to explain anything now. All he would do is take it as a personal attack and not even get what the hell I was saying anyway. Although I understand he wouldn’t intentionally lie to me, his promises are meaningless due to his brain issues. Even if he understood and promised to change, I wouldn’t want him to change just for me—though of course, he wouldn’t. He’s made promises in the past that he failed to keep.

We’re having one last cold spell. It better be the last one, anyway, since it’s already late February. It got down into the 40s last night. 

For a couple of hours last night, there was a small plane going back and forth that was way more annoying than the Honker has ever been. I asked AI what it was, thinking it was likely that they were looking for someone. There was another small plane, also privately owned, doing the same thing a little bit south of us. AI says it most likely did some kind of thermal imaging surveying that is best done at night. Hopefully, they don’t do that more and more often here. They do have to do this regularly from what I read. This is the second or third time that I remember them doing this here. This must have been what I would hear a lot more often in the middle of the night at the old place. The buzzing round and round was annoying.

So, Luigi Mangione made his court appearance today. Most people sympathize with him more than the CEO he took out, and frankly, so do I. I totally get why he did what he did, even though, sadly, nothing is likely to change and he’ll be going down for life. I hope it sends a message to insurance companies to stop putting numbers before people, but if anything, they will learn little from this incident. Greed is a very powerful thing. I think the only way we’re going to get any real change would be if this happened more often. One event isn’t likely enough to create change. Then again, if this country was going to go universal, it would have by now. The healthcare system here simply is what it is, and it’s not going to change. Nothing is ever up to the people but to the people in charge of the people. Even so, I can't help but wonder if people would be as supportive if he was an ugly old woman rather than a handsome young man.

As much as I hate the orange bastard, I do agree with him discontinuing benefits for illegals. Why should those breaking the law get some comfort at the taxpayers' expense? I also agree that gender is totally binary, no matter how one may feel. When Andy and I escaped the slums of Springfield and moved to the apartment complex in Phoenix, it made us feel rich but that doesn't mean we were. I think it's perfectly okay to feel a certain way, but it's not okay to call something what it isn't and delude ourselves. Gender simply isn't subjective but fixed.

I brought up the idea of letting my teeth go to save money, but Tom thinks we should keep up on them for the next six years because when I'm on Medicare Advantage, both dental and vision will be covered. Since quitting sugar, I'm hoping that will help prevent cavities right there. Nothing can really change my soft enamel that much since that's a genetic thing, but hopefully, healthier eating will help.

I had a dream I won a trip somewhere. Now that is a serious change of pace in Dreamland for me! I don't usually have happy or positive dreams, but I was thrilled to win this trip to wherever it was.

I'm looking forward to the hydroponic system! The one we want has 15 pods, a mister, and is 20 inches long with a grow light that can extend 20 inches high. It's too bad we can't grow most of our food. To grow everything that doesn't come from an animal would be way cool. He’d still have to buy his bread, and of course, we'd have to buy non-edibles and meat. Growing all the fruits and veggies we like would be great, along with potatoes.

I diced yellow potatoes, smothered them in cream of chicken, sprinkled the top with rosemary—one of the things I hope to grow—and baked it for 35 minutes in a glass dish at 425 degrees. It came out great. I'm definitely amazed and proud of how far my culinary skills have come. I can now make things I once wouldn’t have dreamed of making years ago. I hated to cook and swore I never would, but now I really enjoy it. I still like the variety of processed stuff, but I do try to limit my intake of it since it's not good for me.

Remembering that we still had some packets of seeds in the hutch drawer, I pulled them out. There are two types of basil, and I didn’t even know that sage was edible, which we also have. I've never cooked with sage before. I don’t want to grow those yet, but I’ve got oregano and cilantro seeds for two of my starter picks. I'd like to start with:

• Spinach

• Kale

• Green Onions

• Bell Peppers

• Cucumbers

• Tomatoes

• Zucchini

• Green Beans

• Arugula

• Strawberries

• Rosemary

• Oregano

• Cilantro

• Lavender

• Jasmine

Time to share my very unpopular opinion, but you know what? It's my journal, and I don't care.

The other day, I mentioned that Tom and I were talking about whether or not the afterlife was possible. I've thought about all the NDE stories I've heard and agree that they can't all be lying or making up their stories, but how do we know they're not just dreams or hallucinations? Ketamine and other drugs can make you hallucinate to the point that you truly, honestly believe what you're seeing. From what I've read—if I'm understanding things correctly—the dying brain produces similar chemicals, which, in turn, create similar hallucinations.

So do I think NDE experiences are more likely hallucinations rather than a genuine trip to the other side? Yeah, I do. Then there's the fact that Christians happen to see God while Buddhists happen to see monks. A little too coincidental if you ask me.

Tom said he doesn't know what it is but believes in an afterlife only because it's hard to believe consciousness just ceases when we die. That kind of makes sense when you consider that our sense of awareness isn't exactly a physical, tangible thing. But then, for the sake of argument, there's surgery. When I was put under for surgery, I had absolutely no sense of awareness whatsoever. So consciousness can be stopped.

The older I get, the less I believe in God. Because I’ve had psychic experiences, I try to keep my mind open—just a tiny bit—to various possibilities, but with all the shit that's not only happened to me but that I see happening around the world, it's hard to believe that any higher being would create so much suffering and then just sit back and do nothing. If that's the case, then "God" is no better than a human enabler who watches a child being abused and does nothing about it.

Nonetheless, despite believing less and less in a God or an afterlife as I get older, I’m still curious and always interested in hearing different beliefs and theories. I think most people believe in God because that's what they were taught, and people are generally gullible and easy to brainwash. I also think a big part of it is wishful thinking and an emotional support thing. If everyone on Earth seems to hate you, telling yourself that there's a God who loves you unconditionally can be comforting, whether it's a delusion or not.

I was randomly browsing when I came across the question: What is the only unforgivable sin? My instant thought was, Of course, it has to be murder. But nope. Some sources say it’s blasphemy, and others say it’s worshiping another god. That had me doing a real WTF?! You mean to tell me people have decided that this unproven entity will forgive someone who rapes and murders a child—but not someone who criticizes or questions this supposed God? Do people even realize how ridiculous that sounds? It makes absolutely no sense. And why would anyone want to worship a God that is supposedly that spiteful and jealous?

Think about it—if this belief were 100% true, that would mean God is incredibly petty and spiteful, refusing to forgive someone just because they were fed up with His inaction and dared to say something He didn’t want to hear. When it comes to people I dislike, I just try to avoid them. Obviously, I can’t ignore the honker as much as I’d like to when he’s banging away with a hammer or firing up his damn motorcycle, but still—what rational being would want to throw someone into a pit of fire just because of what they said or felt? The point is, if we wouldn’t accept this kind of behavior from a person, why is it okay from a higher power? 

They say only God judges people (yet people judge others all the time) and that no one can know what he’s going to judge even though they’ve created a little rulebook assuming they can at least guess.

At the end of the day, my conclusion is: just do you. I’m going to be myself and live my life the way I see fit. I’m not going to harm anyone or break any laws—at least not intentionally—but I’m also not going to pretend to be someone I’m not. I’d rather be hated for who I am than loved for who I’m not, and not worry about what may or may not happen in the future.

Just for kicks, I asked AI what someone who has been dead for four years—since it's been nearly four years since Aly died—would be doing in the afterlife. The response was that, assuming they haven’t been reincarnated, they would be worshiping God and enjoying the rewards of heaven. My immediate thought was, How the hell could she worship a God who let her die at 40 when she didn’t want to die? She could have lived another 40-45 years. Let’s just hope that if there is an afterlife, it’s so much better than this life that dying younger was totally worth it—if she isn’t truly just dead and in total oblivion.

One of the dolls fell off the closet shelf, and guess who had a field day chewing on her jewelry?

I'm excited because my genius of a husband stumbled upon a couple of awesome things. One is adjustable lenses for both farsightedness and nearsightedness for the Quests. The other is a hydroponic plant-growing system for indoors. Not only will it be fun to grow some fruits and veggies, but it will also save us a little money. The only fruit that would be feasible with the size we plan to get is strawberries—other types require more space and effort.

We want to be able to simply submerge the seeds in the nutrient-dense water and let them grow under the grow lights. 

I still have the sweetie tomato seeds to plant in the three little 4-inch starter pots we have, too. 

Anyway, I’d love to grow things that should be easy enough with this system—mini cucumbers, leafy greens, herbs, arugula, bell peppers, and tomatoes. Tom wouldn’t eat any of it, of course, but he would enjoy watching them grow. I might even grow some flowers like colorful petunias. Jasmine has boring little white flowers but the smell is to die for. Maybe I'll add some lavender if there's room.

The door handles in here are getting old and not working properly. One of the bathroom knobs is broken, and I’ve always preferred lever handles, so we’re going to replace them with levers. We’re only doing the bedroom and bathroom doors, not the closets.

I slept long and well last night after taking a full clonazepam. I still woke up a few times—and even went to prison for life in my dreams. I don’t know what I did or if I knew Tom, but I was hopelessly trying to console myself with the thought that at least I would never have to die alone.

Had good energy yesterday but today I'm exhausted. I woke up many times. In a decent mood despite the fatigue.

My nose is a little stuffier too, so I hope that won't be an issue when I crash. I feel like I had a bad sleep apnea night the last time around, but I don't know if it was really that or my nose. I also woke up because I was either too hot, too cold, snoring, or just not able to get comfortable enough to fall back asleep easily despite how comfortable my bed is.

Got to get conditioner for it in a couple of months now that it's coming up on a year. Maybe we can get tablets to throw in each of the tubes rather than liquid, which would be harder to distribute evenly.

I was discussing my writer's block with Tom and what I should write next and decided I would go back and work on one of my old stories. It was so cool to have ChatGPT summarize the chapters so I didn't have to go through and read it all again to refresh myself since it already has a few thousand words. 

I knew how I wanted to start the story, but I just didn't know where to take it from there, much less how I wanted to end it. Then Tom came up with a great idea. He said to decide how I want it to end and then take the story up to that point. I was like, wow! Never thought of working a story backward before. Usually, I get an idea, start off with it, and let the story lead me wherever. Only this time, it wasn't leading me beyond those few thousand words.

I used one of my favorite muses as a lead but used her first name in the story because speech-to-text just doesn't always get "Nane." Sometimes it spells it wrong, though, and writes Marian or Miriam. 

Anyway, I got to the part where she and “Natasha” meet and blackmail each other with the incriminating evidence they have on each other, but then I didn't know where to take it from there. I'm still not sure and might have to confer with AI.

We wanted to get a small cherry tomato plant, but they were out of stock, so we got seeds for small tomatoes but not cherry tomatoes. I forget what they're called, but anyway, we have to get the proper soil before we can plant them. We're going to keep them indoors.

I asked Tom if he noticed the smoothies giving me a little extra energy, and he said he did but didn't want to say anything and jinx it. We probably already did, LOL, but I do have amazing energy today—at least so far. Especially after waking up a little stuffy and having to take Claritin. Time to dust in here again just to be safe.

We're comfortable but not getting ahead. We can pay the bills, we have food to eat, and we don't have to wait to pay for something when we get the next check, but we're not getting ahead either. This frustrates me because I feel like we're stuck in a rut. It sure beats health issues, though.

Eileen asked on her wall if people were in a position in their lives where they were okay to go, and surprisingly, many feel the way I do. They're okay with going whenever their time is up or at least on some days. Well, I definitely wasn't okay with it when I thought we were going to have no choice but to go when we first moved to California in 2007. I wasn't even 40 yet and still had things I wanted to do and experience.

Now, though, the better I feel, the less in a hurry I am to get to the finish line, but I'm still a lot more okay with it as opposed to 20 years ago. This is because I'm older and believe I have experienced just about all I'm going to experience in life. Like it or not, the less money you have, the less you can do.

So, the person who blocked my main account with the username starting with a V never wrote any more entries just as I figured would be the case. Sometimes I wonder what it's all about, though. Role-playing? DID?

It's so weird how only half of my thumbnail got better. The fungus on the right side is growing out nicely, but I still have discoloration on the entire left side from tip to cuticle. The cuticle is also kind of whitish in color and numb like it's dead. So, I trimmed as much as I could and decided to give the lacquer another try before I resume vinegar treatments. I just do not want to have to take that medication! It's here if I ultimately need it, though.

Just when I wasn’t sure about the nature of their relationship or whether Colleen spent the night at the Honker’s, I saw her there early in the morning. She doesn’t always have her cart parked in front, so I guess she doesn’t live too far down the street. She’s just not in the direction I thought she was. I’m curious, so if I ever have the energy again, I might walk down the street and see if I spot her bright green golf cart anywhere. We’ve never seen it at the house I thought she lived in. There was a white SUV there, but so many people have white SUVs.

The burning comes and goes but has been better overall. I’m still waiting for my test results. They’re checking to see if I have certain types of bacterial infections, but I suspect I don’t—otherwise, the burning wouldn’t come and go, would it? I just hope that when I get the estrogen cream I’m guessing I’ll end up with, its side effects aren’t worse than the burning, so I don’t have to once again choose the lesser evil.

Yesterday, while I was sitting down coloring, I had an intense, stabbing cramp in the left side of my chest. It was pretty damn strong but only pulsed through me a few times before fading into a dull ache that eventually disappeared altogether. Upon waking up, however, I could still feel a slight remnant of it. I don’t know what the hell that was about, but I’m not worried about it.

They say better late than never, and this is true. However, if this urologist is correct and all I needed to stop the burning sensations I've had for years was estrogen cream, then I'm gonna be pretty pissed that I wasn't told this a long time ago. Why didn't the GYN I saw in California tell me I had lichen planus when I had atrophy? Why did the two different GYNs I saw in this state tell me that OTC remedies might not be enough for atrophy? If my problem all along has been needing estrogen cream, then it's pretty fucked up that in all these years, three different female GYNs failed to tell me that while a male urologist got it right. Just like with the anxiety and other issues, I suffered needlessly for years. I get that doctors aren't magic and that nobody's perfect at what they do, but come on! There's no excuse for this if it really is just a case of me needing estrogen and nothing else going on.

I'd like to think that my current health issues will be resolved, but even when and if they are, I know they'll only be replaced with new problems. The question is how long it will take for them to be properly diagnosed and dealt with.

I'm starting to really suspect that we’re never going to get ahead financially. Although it was unlikely most of the time, there were always chances in the past because his income wasn't fixed or guaranteed in any way. But now it is. Too many things keep coming up to eat our extra money. We can't move if we can't save. Not only couldn't we move, but we couldn't do much of anything else either.

I had tons of dreams last night, but the only one I remember is a horrible nightmare about Tinkerbella. In most dreams, she ends up missing, but this was worse in some ways. In the dream, for some bizarre reason, we decided to surrender her during the final months of her life. The following morning, I woke up and stepped out of the bedroom to find that Tom had already gotten rid of her cage. I began bawling my eyes out and said, "It's like she's dead already! And it's worse because we don't know where she is right now or how she's being treated."