I was hoping for more moving dreams, but I can't control what I dream about regardless of what's going on in my life. What's going on today is that I'm back to feeling tired after having decent energy yesterday. It would be a lot worse had I taken any kind of antihistamine other than Claritin or melatonin, but it's bad enough because my sleep got broken up not just once but twice. I woke up on fire, and that's when I realized that I really needed to get rid of this mattress pad once and for all. I noticed as soon as I got it that I felt a little warmer with it, and Florida isn't the place for shit like that. If I can get my energy back and we can get out of here, we’ll almost certainly be going to a climate where it will be more suitable. So, I'm back to using an extra sheet as a mattress pad for now. When I pulled it off and really got a good look at it, it was no wonder I was warm because it's backed in vinyl, which means it isn't breathable. I don't want to get a plush mattress pad because that would be harder to fit in our washer and it might make me even warmer. I don't need it either because the waterbed's mattress cover is plush enough. I mean, it's only an inch, but it feels much plusher because it's on a waterbed and not a regular mattress. Also, there's a one-inch thick piece of foam beneath the cover itself, so that's actually two inches between me and the tubes.

The fatigue really affects me emotionally. When I sleep shitty and I'm left tired the next day, I feel depressed, hopeless, and sometimes anxious. I just worry about money, additional health issues, and how long it's going to take to get the fucking CPAP. I can't know for sure if anything else is causing my fatigue until I can get it and start using it consistently. I also need to get the fuck out for a while. It's just that there's no place to go most of the time and no extra money, so I'm hoping that if we ever have land, I can at least make some kind of a walking path on it. Here, it's humid most of the time, and I swear everybody but us smokes in Florida. I hate going by people's cigarette smoke and their sometimes yappy dogs.

Today was my appointment, and it would definitely have been very hard to stay up as late as I would have needed to. I'll probably just go around back and sit on the bench to get a little sunlight when the sun comes up. I'll only sit there for a few minutes because it's kind of boring to just sit there. It's too bright to see the phone, and it's not a convenient place to eat a meal or do much of anything else. This climate also isn't good for me to spend much time outdoors in because of my asthma and allergies. As long as it's not too windy, though, and it sounds pretty calm out there, I'll go out for a few minutes to keep my eyes used to the brightness. I do have a full-spectrum light indoors, but that's not quite the same.

I lost my amethyst stone with the thumb indentation that I kept in my robe pocket for years. I don't know if I misplaced it when I was washing the robe or if it fell and Tinkerbella swiped and hid it somewhere. There's no scientific evidence, but there was still something calming about feeling it in there whenever I would wear the robe. It may sound a bit silly, but oh well. I looked up my old Amazon order. I got it in 2021. This time, I'm getting a clear quartz one with the same shape. It's only $7.

Anyway, instead of dreaming of moving, I was stranded in a foreign country with some woman. Neither of us spoke the language, whatever country it was. The woman was going to contact her family for help. 

Then, in another dream, I must have been quite young because I was professing my love for this young guy. He seemed insecure and a little doubtful, and I had to assure him that I would be with him when he was 30, when he was 40, when he was 50, when he was 60, and when he was 70—and that I would still be with him if I died first because I would haunt him from the other side. Then, I suddenly felt an overwhelming sense of guilt because I was with someone else (Tom?).

Back to venting about my fears. I have a bad feeling that this fucking pulmonologist that I really don't like is going to make it harder for me to get a CPAP. I also have a bad feeling that it's not going to restore my energy. I hope to hell it's just the pessimist in me, and this won’t be the case, especially the latter. I've tried to tell myself I can still live if I'm tired most of the time, but no, I can't. Because then I'm not living—I'm simply existing. I spend so much time lying around when I could be up doing this and that. That's no life and not acceptable to me. It's almost like being wheelchair-bound but not, disabled but not.

Now, if a miracle happens and the CPAP—whenever I get it—does help restore at least most of my energy, then I'm going to be eager to not only get back on the vibration platform but also be more consistent with my story writing. It's hard to be consistent with stories when you're exhausted so much of the time because you can't think straight. This is really doing a number on my brain as well as the rest of me and my mood. It's fucking with my memory and my thinking time. Hell, I don't even know if I could live as long as he does if I carry on like this. I always assumed that he would live to his mid-80s and I would check out at that point, but then I wonder if this will lead me to a deadly stroke or heart attack if it's not resolved and I don’t check out sooner.

I watched a YouTube video about a woman claiming to have had an NDE at a dentist's office, and she said that it was beautiful and peaceful and that God wasn’t anything you could personify. She said it was like she was one with every soul that ever lived and that there was nothing you could get wrong in this life or even right because everybody ended up in that one big pile of souls, so to speak. I've also seen videos where people swear they met and talked to God, and then some that talked about living past lives, and then some claiming to have gone to hell. It's hard to believe that all these people are lying, but who do you believe? And better yet, what do you believe?

Maybe, just like everyone's earthly life is different, everyone's afterlife is different—if any form of it really does exist. I don't know what to believe anymore. I wish I had something I believed in wholeheartedly, even if it was bullshit. I just feel like it might give me a sense of comfort if I did.