Goodbye, Spectrum—hello, Frontier. We switched providers because Frontier offered a better deal without sacrificing speed.

After a couple of good days, it's right back to fatigue, fatigue, fatigue. I didn’t take anything before bed or in the middle of my sleep, yet I still woke up a million times and felt exhausted. Despite that, I haven’t been able to nap. Definitely taking clonazepam tonight to help me sleep a little sounder.

I’m trying so hard not to go "what if" and worry that the CPAP won’t help—because if it doesn’t, that means I have a much more complex and hopeless problem. One I’m almost certain I wouldn’t be willing to live with. It’s just that things rarely come easy for me or go my way. Every time I plan something, those plans fall apart, and every time something seems to work at first, it loses its magic in the end. The protein shakes don’t seem to be helping anymore, so there’s no point in carrying on with those once I use up what’s left.

Different doctors and multiple sources of research have assured me that CPAPs make a big difference for most people, so I’m trying to hang on to that. It’s just not always easy. Although… the dreams I had last night make me wonder. Even though they were kind of weird, I had moving dreams. In one, we were actually moving to Florida instead of from it, but we were moving nonetheless. In another, I was telling Tom how great it would be to be near Kim—not that I’d ever move back to Massachusetts—and that he and I could play VR minigolf while Kim and I could play some other game. He didn’t seem too thrilled with that idea.

The point is, if I weren’t psychic, I’d just write these dreams off as reflections of what’s been on my mind. But since Tom and I both suspect they could be signs, maybe they mean that, yes, I am finally going to get my sleep and fatigue issues resolved or at least improved and we’ll move someday. I can’t move if I’m this heavily fatigued. Took me all day just to muster up the energy to talk type this. I’d settle for a noticeable improvement. Instead of being tired half the time or more, I’d take once a week.

Tom and I were also talking about what we’d want to be if reincarnation existed and we had to come back as humans. He said he’d be whatever. In the past, I would have been quick to say I’d want to be an Asian female—they tend to be less prone to weight problems, and I’ve always liked girly things, dark hair, and dark eyes. But after going through menopause, I can definitely say I’d never want to return as a woman. So Instead of being a bisexual woman from the U.S., I think I’d prefer to be a straight guy from Finland. That way, I’d get to appreciate women without judgment and wouldn’t have to deal with hormonal hell. Plus, even though Finland is horribly cold and snowy, it’s said to be the happiest country in the world with great healthcare and more.

Oh, and I forgot to mention—a Fleetwood Mac song played at the dentist yesterday and it reminded me of the mystery girl. Well, if she’s found her Miss or Mr. Right, I hope they woo her until the sun comes up and tell her that they love her.