I realize I haven’t written for a while, and there is a lot to tell and catch up on, too.

Last Saturday night, Linda came over and she and I did some laundry. Then she fell asleep and like a fool, I went downstairs where Gracie used to live to meet whoever lives there, and it was this guy who was totally drunk. There was a girl too, but she said she didn’t live there and was only visiting. She told me to come in and have a drink, but I said I didn’t drink and that I had a cup of coffee upstairs, and she said to bring that down, but I wasn’t interested. Especially since I could see right away that this guy was looking at me with you-know-what on his mind. So I went upstairs and about an hour later, he pounds the hell out of the door, and cuz I was dressed inappropriately, I slouched down against the door and he goes, “My God.” He no doubt thought I was awfully short.

Then he said I sounded kind of grouchy and I told him he woke me and my girlfriend up. Then he says, “Oh, I just wanted to know if you needed anything.” I said no, and left him standing there totally wasted, and then on and off from midnight till almost 4:00, he pounded the hell out of the walls till I called the police and the landlord, which was definitely the right thing to do, cuz I haven’t heard from him. The whole building heard his racket.

Last Tuesday, I cleaned Russ’s house, and then that night Dad called and was talking unusually carefree and I couldn’t hear Mom in the background. He says, “I’ll pick you up tomorrow.”

I said, “Yeah, sure,” and he said he was home. At first I didn’t believe him and said I’d call him back, but sure enough, he flew in to see Tammy and the kids and take care of business at the store.

He’s coming up to see my place tomorrow, and he bought me the Judds’ new tape and new batteries for my little piano. I was there at the house with him all day Wednesday and we had a great time. We joked a lot and he teased me as usual.

I played the keyboard for him and shocked the shit out of him. I also showed him how good my pitch is and how I can tell notes just by hearing them. He figured all I could really do was pick with one finger, no left hand, and play only one or two songs. I definitely shocked him.

When I sang for him he could see the improvement despite my nasal sound. He also agrees with my theories about Nana and Pa’s spirits guiding me, and feels I have what it takes to make it and should go to music school. I need to clear up my allergies first, though, and today I’m definitely going to call Dr. Walker. I’m gonna call the college, too.

I called Ma today and she was unusually friendly. I rambled on and on about my singing and piano playing, and can you believe she listened? I know it’s cuz Dad said something. I just wish I wasn’t so stuffed up cuz I know I have the potential to be a 9 or 10 instead of a 7 or 8, but I know I’ll get lucky and make it someday when I least expect it.

Andy says he’ll let me make a demo of my singing on his 4-track, but I want to clear up my allergies and improve first and he said, “You already have improved.”

When we first got together he didn’t feel I had much of a voice. All I could do until a year ago was sing on key, but it really wasn’t a voice. He doesn’t like Gloria’s voice for the same reason I don’t. Cuz it’s a voice that’s just there. It’s nothing special and there’s nothing to it. There’s no vibrato and it’s not strong sounding. I love her songs and her looks, though.

Then Andy said something that really touched my heart. He said, “Remember how I said I’d never be in the same band with you? Well, I have a feeling that very soon I’ll be playing the keyboard with you as the lead singer.”

That just made me feel so good. Plus, we should make it together cuz we need and trust each other so well. I’d feel safe with him, and he’d know how to handle almost any situation good or bad.

We discussed him taking me to a woman’s gay bar maybe this weekend. I’m skeptical, but I’ll go just to get out.

Later...

I just called Linda. She says that maybe later she’ll stop by for some tea.

I wonder when Jessie is gonna come over. She was really pissed at me saying, “When are you gonna be home for more than 5 minutes and have time for having anyone else over?” I told her yesterday she could come over, but she didn’t. I hope this weekend she can. She never saw Oswego St. either, and she agrees it’s about time we see each other more. I mean, we are good friends after all.

I can’t wait to get together with Andy too, and I especially can’t wait to go to the beach. This is my last year being white as a ghost.

Later...

I learned that I could have a kid by artificial insemination. Without being married or rich. It’s an elective thing and the sperm is donated by someone out of state which is great cuz I’ll never have to see the guy or worry about him trying to get the kid or bother me. I’ll never ever go to bed with a guy again or be one’s friend either. Of course I’m gonna wait a while, get a decent job and save up money.

Jessie says to make sure I have someone to help me. Yeah, right. There’s no such thing as me falling in love with someone attractive and decent that’d have me. Only ugly jerks are available to me, but I want to raise a kid myself, rather than get involved with someone, then break up with them and have them try to hurt or take away the kid out of revenge. The only thing that worries me is my family. Would they have DYS on my ass and check up on me all the time? If my mom pulled any shit like that, I swear I will disown her.

Earlier today I was at the house loading up the van with Dad for almost two hours.

Jessie may be over later. I doubt Linda will be.