Boy, is having a roommate ever going to take some getting used to! 2 or 3 years ago I’d jump at the chance to have a good, decent, honest roommate such as Andy. And you know how compatible and how much alike we are. Lately, though, I’ve been wanting to spend more and more time alone. The desire for company and for going out places is vanishing like running water down a drain. The desire to have a lover and a baby is also being flushed down the toilet. At first, I was beginning to think something was wrong with me but I now think it’s just a case of my not wanting any bullshit.

As far as a lover’s concerned, like with Brenda for example, I know I’m a decent person, I don’t hate myself, but at the same time, I feel I’m not good enough for her. I don’t want to be with someone and have to be constantly asking myself, did I do or say something wrong? Also, I don’t want to have to worry about her or anyone else not understanding me. I know and understand myself and that’s enough. What others don’t know or understand won’t hurt them. All I want is casual sex here and there. Of course, that’ll be once a lifetime cuz I’m so picky and don’t go to bars and cuz there are so few feminine ones. I have my fantasies, though, which are the most fulfilling.

Later...

I fell asleep near 6:00 this morning only to wake up at 10:00, so I do need to try to sleep more.

Also, I’m psyched for New Year’s Eve tonight as I realize I’ve got 3 more years till fame and fortune and you know I’m right with my premonitions and predictions. Speaking of those, I’ve been having more and more. Bizarre ones too that kind of freaked me out a bit. One night Brenda and I were lying in bed when I just came out and said, “Someone lost money.” She said yes, a guy in CVS. I said it was a $20 bill and she said yes it was and a lady picked it up for him.

Another thing was, a few days before December I predicted we’d have a major snowstorm on December 28th. I was right.

Andy will be moving in next Saturday and storing his furniture at his old house which his brother owns. Starting tomorrow, he’s going to be bringing shit over here and there.

Ma doesn’t know, so she’ll continue paying the part of the rent she pays. She’s been a major bitch to me and was incredibly rude to both Andy and me over the phone when we spoke to her about Phoenix. She really pisses me off. Especially when last year she said she’d help financially with the move to Arizona and agreed with us as far as our reasons for moving, and now she wants nothing to do with it. I bet her anger has to do with good old Miss Jennifer C and other members of this sick family which me and Andy harassed to death over the phone, but if I receive any subpoenas, I’m not going to court.

I have not smoked since yesterday, the 23rd at 2:30 AM. It’s been 28½ hours.

Brenda and I went to Tammy’s today and I got the upright vacuum I’ve been wanting from Mom and Dad, and Tammy and Bill and the kids gave me a gorgeous necklace with matching earrings and another pair of earrings and some perfume.

Tammy was upset cuz she could sense something was wrong with me and at first, I wouldn’t talk to her. I explained to her how I broke up with Brenda cuz I’m so used to being alone and I felt I wasn’t stable enough for her. I told her that cuz I’m a night person and I don’t have a bigger sex drive and I’m not calm 24/7 I felt I wasn’t good enough. Tammy says every relationship I get into I run scared when a person gets too close. She also says my past has affected me badly and that I’m too negative. I told her I didn’t feel I was pushing Brenda away and that I felt I was doing her a favor. I also told her that I felt I was being practical, not negative. After being alone for 25 years it’s too hard to jump into a relationship and I no longer care to put the effort into a relationship and have to deal with trying to communicate and compromise with the person. Also, I never was overwhelmed in a good way by Brenda and I’ll never have anyone I am overwhelmed by. What good would it do me anyway, to have a person I’m overwhelmed by? All they’d do is dump me. Either that or I’ll get someone I’ll end up dumping.

Andy will be moving in within the next two weeks so we can save money and move to Phoenix.

Do I get snow for my b-day? No, of course not. Instead, it’s raining cats and dogs out there.

About half an hour ago Tammy called. At 7:30 Brenda called. Oh, by the way, Brenda and I are just friends now. At 5:30, Andy called as he couldn’t sleep either. I’ve been awake now for 16 hours. I need to go to Food Fart desperately, but can’t till noon, and I don’t think I can hold out till then. I just don’t feel like going to bed, though. Oh, what the heck? I’ll sleep for a few hours. Not too many cuz I have therapy tomorrow.

Well, two more days and here comes a b-day I sure as hell thought I’d never see. A quarter of a century. I get smarter and more talented and more experienced with each year, but all in all, I still feel the same as when I was 10 or 15 or 20. Despite my lungs, that is, but today I don’t feel quite so bad. Of course, it was kind of miraculous I even made it to my 18th birthday with all the shit that I went through what with jumping out the window, overdosing, and other people trying to kill me physically or mentally.

Well, although I won’t have my foot in the door with the fame and fortune till 1994, as my vibes tell me, I have a feeling that 1991 is going to be a special year for me in a different, but very good way. I’m 100% sure now about smoking, but there’s other stuff scheduled. I’m not going to be so cursed anymore. The shit that happened to my lungs wasn’t meant to be just cuz of my singing, but it was also maybe a testing period, too. I’ve done my time with survival tests, that’s for sure. No, I do not think 1991 brings a woman I’m overwhelmed by and that’s my ideal type person-wise. That was never meant to be.

I haven’t written in a while which I sometimes don’t. Last thing I see I wrote about was getting my hair trimmed. Linda trimmed my bangs and my top layer. My top layer was and still is pretty much fried with split ends. I have split ends everywhere. She was shocked at the weight I lost and how long my hair’s gotten. I haven’t seen her in 3 years or so. Linda hasn’t seen me at my skinniest though since I’ve gained 8 pounds. Funny thing is that it looks like I gained double, like 16 pounds. Of course, that’s cuz I’m so short. I no longer despise being short as I’ve realized the many advantages of being short as I’ve gotten older.

Andy’s here now asleep. He came over two nights ago, too. We made some calls this time. Last night we played Crazy 8’s which we haven’t done since we were kids at the beach. Also, we played the piano.

I’ll write later as I’m exhausted. For the last two months or so I’ve been sleeping at night, but I was up all night cuz I slept too many hours yesterday.

I am waiting to have my hair trimmed at Hair Performance by Linda. My top layer is incredibly fried. Also, I need my bangs trimmed.

Brenda’s very sick today so I’m going to be going to Martha by bus and it is incredibly freezing out!

Well, I’m not going to be sleeping for a hell of a long time. I never got up yesterday till 9pm. I had woken up in the early afternoon but felt like shit so I went back to sleep. Not too much has happened since I last wrote. I’ve done some pretty nice drawings, been pissed at Russ cuz he’s got the heat off from 11pm–6am, been a little depressed cooped up at home and wanting to sing. Lastly, been frustrated and scared over my bronchitis.

I fell asleep shortly after 11 PM, after seeing the Tai Babilonia story, then at 1:45, I woke up for no reason at all. At least I didn’t wake up cuz of an asthma attack like I did yesterday morning and several previous mornings. I feel much better now and for the last 5 days, I’ve had 4-6 ciggies.

Soon I’m going to try to go back to sleep so I can join Andy on job-hunting trips. Not a job for me, for him of course, but it’ll get me out of the apt.

I’d like to sleep with Shadow, but he keeps waking me up.

I had a great visit with Tammy and the kids, and also a great day with Brenda. Sarah’s adorable and she’s got so much hair on her head. Everyone in the family was born with lots of hair.

John came over for a half-hour tonight and met Brenda and Bill.

Oh, I wish I knew my test scores! I want so badly to go to the academy. I suppose, though, I won’t be going for whatever reason cuz I want to go badly. Of course, that is until I can get anything going musically.

Yesterday was awful. I was so pissed at Russ. For the last 5 mornings, during the wee hours of the morning, it was freezing. Later on between 7:00-11:00, it would turn into a sauna. I woke up for two reasons. One was the fucking radiator in the kitchen would clank so loud, you could probably hear it downtown. The other is that I’d have major asthma attacks due to it. It would get so hot in here that my windows would be wet. I yelled on Russ’s machine, asking what it’s gonna take for the heat to be evened out and he stopped up to adjust the thermostat. If this happens continuously, I’ll make partial rent payments and if he fights it he’ll wish partial rent problems were the only problems he’s had with me. Otherwise, he’s a nice guy and the best landlord I’ve ever had. He doesn’t do this deliberately, he just has no brains when it comes to heating.

Today, later on, I’m definitely gonna get the fuck outa this apartment. Where to, I do not know, but I’ve got to get out.

I deliberately slept till 8:30 this evening as Andy and I couldn’t have auditioned cuz Andy’s without a car till it’s fixed. Brenda’s also without a car, but tomorrow morning at 7:00, she and Kevin are going to look at a car this guy’s selling for $600. Or, I should say instead, they’re going to pick it up. They’ve already seen the car. So anyway, I made myself sleep long and late to reverse my schedule for a week or so. Then it’ll go back to nights till I want to or need to reverse it again.

I’ll tape Unsolved Mysteries, but I’ll have to miss Hunter. I’m also gonna cancel Martha.

Early in the morning, Brenda’s gonna call me so I can get stamps to mail my mail which is all set and ready to go. Also, she’s going to take me to Food Mart, then when she brings me home I’m gonna do laundry.

Tonight I finished putting up my pictures in a different way and it looks really nice. I also changed the cat box and swept the kitchen floor. After I finish my tea, I’ll listen to some music and do some drawing.

Later...

John isn’t working today. Meanwhile, I tried to get a hold of Dr. Statz, but she’s on vacation I guess for a couple of weeks. I don’t know if I wrote about her but one of the 3 times I was in the ER, she treated me. I’m 100% sure the male nurse, working with her was gay and I’m about 85% sure she was gay. I was just totally touched by her and it was weird cuz she wasn’t overly attractive. There was just something about her, you know, like Linda’s song goes; It’s not that you’re attractive, but oh my heart grew active when you came into view. And I had a crush on her. Sweetie pie.

And ever since then, I haven’t forgotten about her. I can hear God too, saying, “Uh-uh, against the rules.” I think he wants me with someone less attractive so I can learn to look at only people’s personalities. But I’d never be with Brenda if she were a bad person. Maybe another reason God has is that if I get dumped, I won’t be as hurt as much as I would be if I were overwhelmed. I still long for that someone with the character and personality I most desire and to feel that special once-in-a-lifetime sexual spark.

Please, God, please! Answer my prayers. Do it someday very soon. Please. God, what if I made a deal with you right here in this book? And that deal is if I promise to try my hardest to quit smoking, then will you think about it? Also, a beginning break with my singing, then I’ll pursue it from there. I hope you put some big and serious consideration into my requests. If singing and having that special someone and a baby are 3 too many things to ask for, then I’ll understand. I’ll settle for the singing and the special person only and give up the baby without ever asking for anything else.

Later...

Around 9:00 this morning Kevin and Brenda came and got me and dropped me off at Food Mart. Then, I waited a good long exhausting wait while Brenda brought Kevin to Palmer, then back to pick me up. After she picked me up she brought me to Shopper’s where I got a photocopy made of my birth certificate and stamps for my mail which I mailed in the box right outside the store.

While waiting for Brenda at Food Mart I saw Allison. We spoke briefly and she said she’d give me a call soon.

So all my errands are done except for Friday when I get the pigs more food and their big bail of sawdust. I still need to call Philip and John and tomorrow I’m definitely, no matter what, going to go see Paula. Jessie’s probably gonna call today. She’s another one I need to see, and she and Brenda can meet each other.

I finally got back here at 10:30 this morning and I fell asleep till 3:30. I’m exhausted but I’m gonna stay this way so that at 11:00 tonight, after Hunter, I can go to sleep. I better not wake up either, like around 3:00 in the morning and not be able to go back to sleep till 6:00 or 7:00, then sleep till mid-late afternoon. I want to be up in the mornings from tomorrow until next Tuesday. That means the next 5 mornings.

Later...

When I got up I made a pork chop and some angel hair pasta and got a call from my sister. Tammy said Ma said to her, “I don’t want Jodi alone for her b-day, Chanukah or Thanksgiving.”

Tammy also said Ma said to drive in and get me in the morning and bring me back the next day. Tammy said she then tried to explain to Mom that it’s impossible with 3 kids, the business, and with Bill working till 6:30 at night. Then Tammy said Ma pulled her typical line of, “Good-bye, Tammy.”

I guess Ma fails to remember that I’m not alone. I’m not single anymore and my girlfriend is fully willing to drive me down this Saturday and for Thanksgiving and also for my birthday and Chanukah which Tammy says she’ll combine into one big party. I mean, Tammy’s right. She can’t up and go drive for that amount of time and it’s pretty strange why Ma’s so concerned about me not being alone for all these things.

I’ve spent them alone before but then again when your own God damn aunt and uncle invite you over for Thanksgiving like they did last year, then conveniently forget to call you and pick you up, that’s not my fault, is it?

Another thing Tammy mentioned is that Ma bragged about all this time she was gonna spend with Tammy, Bill and the kids which turned out to be a joke. Tammy said she wanted to spend the day with me. HA. It was a wonderful hour we had.

All I can say is, I’ve had it with this family shit and I don’t wanna know from nothing. I haven’t had to deal with it for 5 years and I’m not about to deal with it now. Also, I’m not going to Florida either. A week’s vacation isn’t worth a week of her bullshit along with it. I mean, that’s not how my vacation packages or anyone else’s should be. Really, if it were an ad it’d read like this: We’ll give you a week’s free vacation with all expenses paid, but the catch is that you must put up with Dureen O’s bullshit.

Another case of taking the bad with the good. Fuck that!

I wish I was just waking up, but instead, I am wide awake. I slept till 6pm. I’ve been so zonked out cuz I’ve had to be up at a certain time for a certain reason and wasn’t getting enough hours of sleep.

I have many errands to do such as buying pig and cat food. I also need a bail of sawdust, stamps, and to make a photocopy of my birth certificate.

The mouse, who’s getting bigger, is now riding his wheel, and boy is Shadow ever getting big fast.

Andy came over earlier and we made some phone calls to people who had ads in the Advocate to sell things.

Andy’s really upset. He’s having trouble with Miles. Needs to find a job. Needs to pay bills. Got in a car accident which he’s going to have to pay almost $1,000 to fix. It’s not fair that some drunken girl, who did get arrested, slammed into a parked car, then Andy slammed into her, yet Andy’s at fault. He was wearing his seatbelt and the scary thing is, is that if I was in the car, I probably wouldn’t have had my seatbelt on and I’d have gone through the windshield. Who knows how many stitches I’d have to have gotten in my face. There are so many fucked up drivers it’s amazing. And very, very scary, too.

I’m so pissed at myself cuz I just remembered I was supposed to have called Philip 3 days ago, and John, and see Paula.

Later...

I’m writing here on the waterbed and I put the mouse on the floor inside his plastic ball, and Shadow’s having a hell of a time watching him and wishing so desperately to play with him. Or eat him. It’s quite a funny sight to see when he’s in his ball running around with Shadow chasing him. It also was so cute when Shadow was sitting in Toffee’s cage. He doesn’t want to harm the other animals, but he may accidentally cuz his playing may be too rough for them cuz he claws and bites.

Those drawings I did really blew my mind. I never could draw a line on a piece of paper before and I feel good yet weird. It’s like - what’s next? I discover one thing after another I can do. If not perfectly, then better than most.

Here comes Shadow once again to enjoy Gremlin after taking a dump in his shit box.

Me and Andy may possibly go to an audition together early this evening so I hope I get some sleep before then. Right now I’m gonna go listen to music. I haven’t listened at all today. After that, hopefully, I’ll get some sleep, get up early in the afternoon and get my errands done, call John and Philip and maybe even see Paula.

I fell asleep at 5:30 PM after being up 21½ hours and of course, almost an hour ago I woke right up. I was kind of hoping I’d sleep till 5 AM. Anyway, guess what I’m doing today at 9 AM? Taking the police exam. I called Boston after talking to Tony today out here on Locust St. during a car accident. He said the people weren’t hurt too bad and that it had to do with insurance and he was tired of supporting the welfare recipients. So, I mentioned the exam to him and some other cop and they said that maybe the test was canceled due to all the layoffs, and to call Boston and check. When I called, I told the woman I never received my notice and she said that they did have trouble with their mailings and asked me for my social security number. I gave it to her and then she read back my name and address and said it was tomorrow morning at 9 AM. It’s at Converse High on State St. They allow you 3 hours for the test, but you’re free to leave when you’re done. There are 100 questions which means I cannot get more than 30 wrong. She said it’ll be 120 days before they mail me my marks. That’s 4 months, unfortunately, and she says there are around 2000 people taking the test. Lastly, she said to bring a birth certificate, a photo ID, and some number 2 pencils. Brenda took me to Shopper’s Drug where she met Emily and Emily gave me the pencils. Well, I bought them, of course. And a pack of cigarettes like a jerk.

I was going to go to Tammy’s tomorrow but Brenda’s got a visit with her kids she can’t cancel and Bill’s here tomorrow and Monday. Maybe Tuesday. Tammy’s gonna be pissed and I understand that and I’m dying to see Sarah, but this test only comes up once every two years.

Later...

It definitely doesn’t look like I’m going back to sleep so I’ll write for a while. I’ve got a CD playing. Fleetwood Mac’s Greatest Hits. It’s pretty good. I like most of the songs on it. Some are boring.

Tomorrow, after the test, I’ve still got to get pig food and a heavyweight bowl for Tigger. I’m getting pretty sick of him either knocking it over or slamming it up against the side of his cage. I’ve got to get food for Gremlin and Shadow, too. Also stamps and paper plates. And it’s also about time to buy another big bail of sawdust. There’s always something to buy. Such as Gloria’s new record.

I think maybe I’ll go hem some more of those pants Kacey gave me.

Later...

Well, I didn’t hem the pants. One pair didn’t quite fit since I gained weight, but I just took my measurements and I’ve gone down an inch since 3 days ago when I started exercising my ass off and taking Slim-Fast. I did, however, hem an old shirt that was almost to my ankles. I brought it up to mid-thigh length. It came out better than I’d thought but I’ll have Brenda check it out to make sure it’s not crooked. I’m not too thrilled with the way it falls but I’ll ask Brenda.

After I take my shower I’m gonna put another coat of nail polish on and I’m not sure yet what I’ll wear. Something casual. I hope after the test and my errands are done that I can catch a couple of hours of sleep so I can go out to the Halloween party at the Pub tonight. I want to wear my new black lace skirt. Part of me hopes Brenda ends up too tired to go so I can observe others without her observing me observe others. But then again we mutually do look at other women and we’re honest with each other. In the long run, Brenda will never have anything to worry about cuz gay women, of course, are a major turn-off to me in general, and it’s against the rules for me to have someone I’m attracted to. Oh well. At least God allows people to be attracted to me which is nice as long as it’s not major sickos. I mean, everyone gets that here and there, but the good thing is, is that as time goes on I’m having an easier time getting better people even if I don’t quite meet my desired standards.

Ok, time for my second coffee, then my shower.

Later...

Brenda dropped me off at 8:30 this morning, and they made everyone who didn’t get their notice to appear for the test go into a room, and they gave us an “appear” card after checking to see if our names were on the list, and also our photo IDs and birth certificates, in which I’ve got to photocopy and mail to Boston.

They had us print and write our names and they compared them with our signatures on our licenses.

There were several butches there and I got stared down good by guys and butches. This Hispanic girl was sitting next to me. I’m not sure, but I think she was gay with the way she gave me this huge smile and waved at me the second I walked in. I sat next to her and we chatted here and there before the test. She urged me to choose South Hadley for 1 of my 4 choices of cities or towns I wanted to work in. My first choice was Springfield, however, and I had no choice cuz you had to pick, for first choice, the place you lived in for the last 12 months. My second choice was East Longmeadow. I would’ve chosen Longmeadow, but it wasn’t listed. My third choice was West Springfield. My fourth choice was Chicopee.

Another thing was that there were two classroom monitors. One man, one woman. The woman constantly stared at me. I caught her once and her face turned bright red. Then after the test, as I was leaving, I could see her grinning to herself with the same red face.

We didn’t start the test till 9:30 and I finished at almost 12:30. I’m not sure whether I passed or failed. There were some tricky questions that I had to go over and over. I’ll know sometime in February. I am anxious though and never have wanted to speed up time so badly in my life. I usually don’t care about time or wish I could stop it and drop dead.

The landlord will be here any minute to fix the heat. Today and all last night I froze my ass off.

I told Tammy I’d be down next weekend and she said she wasn’t mad and that she understood and to think positive about the test.

After the landlord leaves, I hope I can catch a few hours of sleep so I can go out tonight.

I called Philip and told him about the test and he’s happy about it and he asked me to keep him posted. He also told me to call him tomorrow. I called John too, and he was both pleased and proud. Then lastly, I spoke with Andy.

I’m going nuts just sitting around here, so since I can’t have music, I’ve got to find something. Those dickheads never sent me my notice for the police exam, but I figured as much to begin with. I don’t know who’s responsible, therefore, I don’t know who to call to bitch about it. Oh well, like I said, I figured I’d never be notified just like I knew I’d never get that security job at Mercy with John.

Why is it that anything I’d be good at and want to do I just can’t? It just wasn’t meant to be. If I was smart, a long time ago I’d have chosen a career I hate, never want to have a baby and if I’m ever single again, I’d pick all the ones I don’t want or that are just ok. Actually, they pick me, so I should say.

Later...

I tried calling Philip about the stereo but he’s not at work and not answering his phone at home.

Today, I’m gonna go to Food Mart for cat food, stamps, and paper plates. Also, I want to go to Brightwood Hardware in Longmeadow for pig and mice food.

I’m getting tired as hell but I want to push it as far as I can so I sleep somewhat into the night. With my luck, however, after 3 or 4 hours of sleep, I’ll bolt wide awake and not be able to fall back asleep.

I’m really starting to want to work. I need extra money and this being at home all the time bit is really getting to me. But since I can’t sing or be a cop and am too chicken to drive the cab, what can I do other than McDonald’s or something really boring and stupid?

I’m gonna call apartment rental people for general information about duplexes. I know I can never afford it, but it never hurts to get some information. I’ll go get the yellow pages.

I’m still wide awake and probably will be for a while. I’m just having a grand old time with the new phone. There’s a mute button on it too, and you don’t need to keep holding it down like you do on most other phones. You hit it once and a red light glows which tells you it’s in use, and to discontinue the mute, you hit it again and the red light goes off.

A little while ago I listened to the 45 of the song Take a Chance On Me by ABBA. I bought it today at One Stop Records. I always liked that song and I used to have that record. I don’t know whatever happened to it, along with tons of other records. They either got old or I got sick of them or they were stolen.

Later...

Why, oh, why didn’t I stay the fuck off cigarettes!?! I had 3 cigarettes in 1 week and here I go and smoke a whole pack yesterday and today I’ve had close to a pack. What a jerk, huh? I’m gonna go chuck the rest of my pack, try again till I absolutely can’t fight the urge to smoke, and listen to music.

Well, I’m going to need to go to sleep as soon as possible so in order to help myself sleep, I’m gonna listen to music for a while.

Tomorrow morning I’ve got to call Philip about fixing my stereo. I can’t put it off any longer.

Also, I see Martha at 4:00. I’m not sure if I mentioned it but I think she just may have a thing for me. It’s just this feeling I get and it’s also certain things she says and certain ways she says things. Oh well. Of course, I’ll keep my mouth shut about it. She is married, after all, and she also swore she never mixes business with pleasure and that’s fine and respected by me.

I want to go to Caldor’s too, to see if Gloria’s new album is out. I’m not sure of the name of it and it’s not new songs. They’re all old hits, but they’re in Spanish.

Later...

I just finished killing a spider, which like most spiders, was on the ceiling. I sprayed it with lots of Lysol and perfume to get it down so I could swat it.

Today I got this awesome and I mean totally awesome speakerphone I ordered last week. Now I need to make 4 payments of $22 but it’s worth it. I love it. I can be doing something like writing or making coffee and still talking to someone. Also, I can play people the edits which they can hear well and hear their reactions, and if it’s an answering machine, I can hear it beep when it ends. Another thing too, is if my call waiting beeps, I’ll hear that too.

This insurance company’s got a hell of a long machine. Brenda and I passed it on the way home from Baystate Waste after I saw Martha and I said to myself, “I bet they have a machine.”

By the way, Martha definitely has no desire for a woman. She’s 100% straight as an arrow.

Andy’s got company now so he’s gonna call me later, and Fran’s not home. I’m bored and I love this phone so I may as well go and have a field day with it and look under insurance companies in the yellow pages. It does seem like a lot of insurance companies have answering machines.

Brenda brushed out my hair for me, and God is it getting long. It’s almost to my very lower back and the layers are growing out. The very top layer, though, is completely destroyed. I have massive split ends.

Shadow’s climbing all over me. I think I mentioned before why I changed his name from Bandit to Shadow. He’s like glue. He loves to be near me constantly. Follows me everywhere like a shadow. However, when I go to bed, I shut the bedroom door cuz he always wakes me up.

One thing that’s starting to annoy me is that I’m very bloated. I wanna hurry up and get my period so I drop some water. I don’t want to take my water pill while I’m still finishing up my other medications. I did some exercising and I’m gonna do more later. Also, I’m gonna get more Slim-Fast and eat very little till I drop 10 pounds. It’s funny to say I’m chunky at 105 pounds, but then again I am a very short person, right? It’s not that I weigh too much pound-wise, it’s my shape I guess, I have so much water, too.

I took all my pictures of Gloria down last night. There are only a few in the bedroom. I wanted a change and a break from them so I put them in my file box in my closet. I’ll never throw them out cuz I’ve put so much time and money into them and it’ll be really neat to look back at them someday. Maybe I will put them back up, though, in a matter of months or someday. I still wish I could afford a duplex as I’d make the cellar the music place with the posters, the stereo and keyboards and I wish I had a washer and dryer. By God, I’d love to be able to afford that. I’d have 2 bedrooms, 1½ baths and a dishwasher too, no doubt.

Later...

I’m now watching the premiere of Law & Order. Before this, I saw In the Heat of the Night. Brenda left after Matlock. I put Brenda’s hair in a braid. It looked nice.

I still never got any notification as far as the police exam is concerned. I’m not stupid, though. They’ll never notify me worth shit.

I’m gonna go make some angel hair pasta. It is so good.

I was exhausted before, but as usual, I woke right up. Man, oh man, was I just through a hell of a nightmare since the last time I wrote! I had to go to the ER 3 fucking times and I was terrified! I literally thought I was going to die and it hurt so bad I wished I would drop dead till it was over. I had the worst asthma in my life. They had to take me immediately (usually you wait forever) to give me oxygen treatments, and the last time I had an IV. It was really scary. I could only smoke 3 cigarettes in one week’s time. I’m on Prednisone for 12 days and Bactrim which is an antibiotic for 10 days. Also, I’m on Theodur and Alupent which is the same stuff in my inhaler. Theodur and Alupent are the two most common drugs used for asthma.

I saw Mom and Dad on the 15th and we had a fairly good visit. They came up for about an hour or so. They’re back in Florida now.

I may possibly be going to my sister’s this Saturday. Tammy’s really sick now, too.

Steve and I spliced a wire today so I can edit from the CD player onto the stereo and it sounds great, too. I have plenty of editing to do as well as story writing.

They raised my food stamps to $114, so I did a huge grocery order and I never had so much food in my life, but I really need to lose weight. I’m getting pretty chunky lately.

It’s been one week now and I still feel like shit. Oh well. It also looks like I’m gonna have to cancel going to my sister’s tomorrow. One reason’s cuz I feel like shit and the other’s it’s contagious. I don’t want to stand and just look at my nieces from 3 feet away, I want to hold them and hug them. Tammy mentioned going next weekend if I couldn’t make it this time.

Then I’ll be seeing Mom and Dad on the 15th, and it fucking figures I’m sick so I can’t sing.

Yesterday I got 3 journals at an excellent price. I mean a really fantastic deal. Normally the 3 of them would’ve cost close to $24, but I got them for $12 in the secondhand department. I’m glad I discovered that they sell them there which is weird cuz these books are brand new and just as nice as the regular main part of the store.

Tracy called me and Andy last night. We were both thrilled to hear from her. I played her the edits which she thought were great. She didn’t contact us, she said, cuz she needed space and time to sort things out.

Last night was awful. I was so full of congestion. I never knew one could have to blow their nose so much. It’s red and sore now and I feel much better now that I drained out all that shit so I guess it was worth the misery. Tomorrow, or today I should say, Bill will be here at 1:00 so I hope I can get a little sleep. I had to sleep all day today as I was so miserable. It’s called “sleeping it off.” I’m thankful I feel much better though and also thankful it wasn’t the flu. Anything but the flu. Smoking very little also helped get rid of it quicker but I couldn’t have smoked much if I wanted to. The funny thing is, though, for the last 3 days I really haven’t had much of a desire to smoke. Today I had 5 or 6 and psychologically I still think of it, but the physical part isn’t too bad.

I love this little kitty of mine to death. I’m so glad Brenda got him for me.

Yesterday, I only smoked 7 or 8 cigarettes. Today, even though I still slept till 9:00 tonight, I’ve had 3 so far. I am very, very congested so that’s part of the reason why I’ve smoked so little. Also cuz I have these sneezing fits and cuz of my wheezing. In 48 hours I’ve smoked only 11 cigarettes so that’s why I’m constantly blowing my nose like there’s no tomorrow. It gets worse before it gets better after you’ve either quit or cut down cuz all that tar and shit starts draining.

Gee, I have exactly 1 day short of 2 months till I’m 25 years old. A quarter of a century.

My new little kitten, which Brenda got me, is sitting here in bed with me and he’s so loving and so affectionate. The one thing you couldn’t do with Sasha was pick her up and cuddle her or have her come to you and let you cuddle her for more than 3 seconds. His name is Bandit. He’s now trying to distract me from writing by rubbing up against my book and me and giving me kisses. He’s fairly gentle with his claws but when he gets a little older I’d like to get him neutered and declawed. You know I hate being clawed when you’re playing with them. I mean they can just sit or stand on you and their claws hurt like hell. Now he’s playing with my hair which all kittens, cats and babies love to do.

Brenda’s cab broke down yesterday afternoon and while she was at the office, the owner’s wife just happened to be giving away kittens, so that’s how I got him. That was yesterday, the day after Brenda’s b-day. He’s 6 weeks old and looks a lot like Sasha, but Sasha was gray and white. He’s orange and white and his hair’s a little shorter. It’s the same pattern as Sasha’s. I think they’re both tabby cats. He’s so loving and follows me everywhere. And he’s pretty calm and gentle, too. He knows how to pee in his litter box, but he’s still going to have to learn not to go on furniture or chew wires.

I have had absolutely no sneezing fits!!!!!!! And this cat is here to stay till death do it part. My mom was right as far as all my problems being due to smoking and I’ve known it too for quite some time but it was just too scary to admit. It’s scary to think of dealing with withdrawal after quitting but my congestion is getting really bad so I’ve had only 7 or 8 cigarettes today.

The pigs were a little jealous and depressed about Bandit, but otherwise, they’re still the usual loving troublemakers.

I bought Brenda a pair of earrings and a pair of sexy underwear for her b-day and we went to her sister Donna’s house in Palmer. And as I mentioned before, I’ve known her husband Kevin for 4 years. He knew Crystal C, too.

Donna’s a great person who anyone feels comfortable with. The type you could talk to about most anything and who accepts people for what and who they are. The kids were great and Donna’s great with the kids too, and I’d have loved to have someone like her as my mother.

Tomorrow, I’ve got to call John R and maybe I’ll try to leave a message with Dr. Goodman’s receptionist for Tracy, but only once. I also have to call Philip and go to Food Mart. Also, I wonder if Kathy will fix my bangs if I call her. She works at Food Mart and she gave me her number. We went to La Baron together. She hated it too, and she only does it on the side. My bangs really look pretty stupid so maybe she can trim and layer them.

Right now I’m on the phone listening to Fran talk to Bobbie. Andy and I wish to hell Tracy would call us.

I’m turning into a very, very slightly ok artist. Of course, some of my drawings are a wee bit explicit. Guess I’ve been horny lately.

My mother said something astounding. Not only was I shocked, but I also shed a few tears. I called Mom and told her that I bought a little tiny fork and spoon for Sarah and socks for Becky and Lisa. Then I told her that I agreed as far as having money and someone to help as far as having a baby is concerned. But I also told her I didn’t like being told what I should do or should not do at this age.

So I finally asked the two questions of my main concern in blunt plain English. I said, “If I have a child someday, are you going to disown me or call the state?”

She said no. I freaked with shock and joy. I absolutely and totally could not believe it.

Otherwise, no more news going on lately. Just that I had a very nice weekend with Brenda and also Gail and Judy. Gail and Judy are so nice. You feel as if you’ve known them for years. They, of course, don’t turn me on but they’re very attracted to me, so I hear. Also, it’s rather obvious by the way they look at me. Same thing with Bonny. I did their nails for them and also, a couple of weekends ago, Brenda, Judy, Gail and I went to Jam’s. We had fun, and I ran into Tracy there who said she broke up with Nancy. Guess Nancy was an alcoholic and a troublemaker. She seemed a little irritated by talking to me and left with some other girl who seemed slightly offended when I asked her if she was single.

Tracy said she was in California on the 4th of July and was so shocked at how feminine the gay women were there. That’s what she likes, too.

She did tell me to leave a message with my number at this dentist’s office where she works on Maple St. But should I really leave a message which I seriously doubt will ever get answered?

My friendship with Andy has been excellent the last several months and he admitted he was being cruel and selfish for a while and then realized it and didn’t want to lose me as his friend. He was also jealous of my looks and my abilities but instead of being negative he’s encouraging and appreciates what I do.

It’s really too bad his relationship with Miles isn’t doing too great. According to Andy, he’s too clingy and constantly wants sex. Also, cuz Andy didn’t give Miles sex for two days, Miles cheated on him. Andy’s pissed and is on the verge of dumping him. He says, though, he thinks Miles is the way he is cuz his father molested him. Also, he says Miles has a big mouth and blabbed some sexual stuff about him and Andy real loud in Friendly’s. He also talks 10 times more gayish than Andy does.

Tomorrow, I want to go see Paula and get something for Brenda, but I still can’t sleep yet and it’s now 3:17 AM. I was beat before. Sometimes life as a night owl sucks.

I’m still laying here in bed trying to suppress my desperation to have a child. Although I’m thrilled to go see my new niece I’m just so envious. I wish there was such an ability to make my desires come and go. If I could do that I’d not want to have a child and I’d not want to be a singer.

My parents really piss me off. Who the hell are they to judge people and tell them what they should and shouldn’t do? First, they raise their kids to accept people for the way they are (kind of), then turn around with this marriage and money is the only answer if you want a kid. And this shit that if a single parent has a kid they should all be taken away. Where should all these kids be taken to? Tammy was single when she had Lisa, but they were right there behind her all the way.

And Tammy pisses me off too, saying if Andy’s involved she’ll take the kid away. Then she turns around calling him a fag, but it’s ok that I’m gay. You just can’t kidnap your sister’s kid and say to the police or whoever that you did it cuz the father’s gay and that you’re pissed cuz he won’t drive your sister to your house. So I guess for both my sanity and physical safety and in order to save the kid in the same way, I just won’t have a kid.

Later...

Yes, of course, I’m still wide awake. Today I have to go get pig food and also for Gremlin and go to Food Mart. But first I have to go to SIS, not only to withdraw money but to also bitch about my ATM card. It hasn’t been working. Every time I go to use it, it gets spit back out at me. I tried to clean it too, like I was told but that’s not working. Maybe it’s scratched up.

Another thing I want to do is get something for Brenda for her b-day which is 10/2. She’ll be 31.

Also, I want to get something for the baby, like diapers or something.

Today I went for my audition and I bombed. It figures my allergies had to act up and I also was nervous and it showed. Brenda said that although I was a little nervous, I still sang well. She also said that the guy seemed a little high.

We met at the piano player’s house (Karin) who was so nice and looked very butchy, even though she’s married with kids. Also, one other girl auditioning that I met Monday night sounded even worse with allergies, too. You could tell by her just talking, but I didn’t hear her sing. The other girl I met last Monday night didn’t show up unless she came after I left. I left first cuz I was the first one to sing. Pat seems to really, really like this girl, too. He said he’d call me in a day or two, that I have a nice voice, but I’m not stupid. They usually never call back either way and of course he’s gonna say I have a nice voice whether I sucked or was great.

I had therapy today and a very odd, but interesting day last Monday. Well, Bill and I were sitting out on the back porch and he said he spoke to Arthur, his husband, who along with himself, decided I should be paid. When he was at Dunaeff, the Dunaeffs got a percentage of his pay. I don’t know how much I’m gonna get but he says he’ll figure it out and every week I’ll get a lesson and some cash. I told him any bit won’t hurt but at the moment I’ve nothing better to do and I love music. Andy felt that was great of him cuz most people would be selfish and keep all the money for themselves. He is so honest and trustworthy and it was so nice of him to take his time out (one of his students didn’t show up today anyway) to write directions for Brenda who took me to Haydenville.

Bill and I were looking in the Advocate when I saw this ad saying cabaret performers were needed along with people who could sing country music and were versatile. Over the phone, it turned out that Bill knows this guy whose name is Patrick. He’s a nice guy with a nice home, too.

Brenda took me to his house and two other girls were there, too. He showed us videotapes, publicity photos and well, there’s so much to explain so I’ll make it brief. They travel the east coast and do musicals at clubs in Northampton and sometimes cruises. He said the more abilities you’ve got, the better, such as Spanish, sign language, and the guitar. I could write forever about this, and while I’d rather be the singer with the band, this may be a good start and lots of fun. I love musicals cuz it’s so versatile with singing, acting, and dancing. I have to audition tomorrow, so again I’ll say that yes, it is a long shot if I get hired, but at least I’m trying rather than saying, fuck it, I won’t even audition.

It’s always up and down, never one or the other. It’s back and forth between feeling good and feeling like shit. Physically, I mean. I’ve been feeling pretty shitty with congestion lately in the mornings. It’s pretty fucking scary, too. I feel trapped. Yes, you know I mean the ciggies.

I saw Dr. McGovern when Brenda had to get her shot. He said that despite the way my lungs feel, I look healthier than ever. He always thought I was attractive and he is a nice guy. Maybe he feels I look better cuz I’m still 5 pounds heavier than I’ve been in ages. 5 pounds is usually no big deal but, when you’re this short it sure is. It shows.

Mom and Dad are gonna be here on 10/12 and I’ve got plenty of other things to write about, but at the moment I’m just way too tired.

What a great change for the better I’ve had since last Sunday night. I’m writing this as I wait for Martha, so I may have to stop soon when she comes down to get me. The argument me and Brenda had was basically about our differences in opinions about relationships, but now that I look back at it, it really was so stupid. I also had PMS I guess and I still haven’t had my period yet, but I feel good mentally. I think that’s cuz I feel so much better physically.

The weather has been extremely cool. Fall’s here very early so maybe that means we’ll have a rough winter. I hope it snows a lot. Anyway, I can breathe!! What a relief.

The GYN went ok, but it hurt a little bit cuz I was tense and had only slept 4 hours the previous night.

I am so fucking tired it’s amazing. Me and Brenda had an argument last night, but it was my fault. I’ll write more about it later. Meanwhile, my lungs are killing me. I’m so congested that it’s scaring me to death.

I’m also a little nerved up about the fact that I’ll be visiting the good old GYN soon.

I’m downtown now. Brenda’s seeing her therapist who’s up above Johnson’s Bookstore. She has an appointment at the same time I do.

Well, I mailed my police exam application with my waiver fee. The exam’s on October 27th, but where and what time I do not know. Supposedly they’re going to mail a letter with the time and place listed. I sure hope it works out for once and I can truly say that I am really looking forward to this.

I’ve thought about this on and off and of course, I want to sing 10,000 times more, but as you can plainly see I’ve given up music. You just can’t make it without connections, money, and sex and I don’t have money or connections. Of course, sex is out of the question.

But would something like this, full of adventure and excitement, be meant to be any more than I once thought music was? What if they somehow do discriminate against me cuz I look so small and naïve, and cuz of my past? It did say on the instructions that they can dismiss you if they feel they don’t like you or that you’ll be no good. I know I’d be good at it, though, and so do other people who are gonna try to put me down and out big time, but if I get in that academy, well, they’re just not going to succeed.

Later...

Guess what! Early this morning my niece Sarah Elizabeth was born. That’s great, and I love all my nieces, but am I ever going to have one of my own? I doubt it. If I ever do, though, I’d have to abandon my whole family. That means move, get a PO box and a new phone number, etc. I don’t want to do all this till me and Brenda have been together a while and are married and we have the money to move and to start off with. She insists that with both our incomes combined we can easily survive. She’s going on disability, but she’s still gonna drive the cab. So that would be $1,040 of SS and SSI, plus her cab fares, but if I am in the academy at the time or working wherever doing whatever, then I’ll have to work around that. The reason for dumping my family is that if Mom wants to disown me, I’ll have beaten her to it. Also if they pull any shit with the state I’ll be avoiding that, so I can keep my health and also my mental sanity.

Yesterday I was fairly productive and I decided to put this cab thing on hold till I know what’s going on with the police officer exam I’m gonna be taking on October 27th. Filling out the application was fairly easy and what’s neat about it is that they have a waiver form that Brenda’s getting from City Hall which I forgot yesterday for $20. That’s the application fee. I know the test is gonna be 3-4 hours long and I only hope I don’t flunk it if they ask questions pertaining to math or something like that. If they ask something I either know nothing about or never understood then I’m doomed. They never tell you what’s gonna be on the test. I hope it’s multiple choices. It said that if you know other languages or have unique skills it’ll help your eligibility. I hope that wherever they’re having the test I can get there and I hope that if I ever did get into the academy I’ll have no problem with transportation. Also, I hope they’ll accept that I’ve only driven a few times since I got my license and that they’ll be patient and work with me on that.

Yesterday morning I called Fran who called Nervous at the Bucket of Suds where he’s now working. I didn’t say anything, but I got a hell of a great tape and made some super edits from it. Now both sides are complete of the edit tape so that’s 90 minutes of great edits.

Andy and I wish to hell Tracy would call us. We know she’s still living with these two gay guys she recently moved in with. Andy, Fran and I all got calls where this dirty song was playing and we know it was Tracy who knows all 3 of us. Also, both Fran and I have unlisted numbers.

In the early afternoon hours of yesterday, I spent a little time with Brenda, and Steve took out both my air conditioners. Thank God the temperature’s dropped.

They got a guard put in their cab which Kevin leases by the week cuz he got robbed and other drivers are getting robbed left and right. Brenda drives to support her kids and leases it from Kevin. Kevin drives at night and on weekends and he wants someone to drive on weekends for him. The thought of driving is scary even though I do know how. I’ve only driven a dozen times or less since I got my license when I was 21. Brenda can only train me for two weeks, then she’s not allowed in the cab with me. What if two weeks isn’t enough? Driving on the highway scares me and what if I had to drive all the way to Hartford like she did? I don’t know the roads as well as most people either being a passenger so long as I have. However, I really do want to conquer this fear as I know I’d be extremely proud of myself if I did, and God fucking knows I need the money. It’s under the table and I’m going stir-crazy just sitting here, and my sleeping schedule is really bizarre. I want to try to kick this fear. I’d feel so proud and productive and I know the longer I sit around the harder it’ll be, but I’ll make it.

Yesterday, Paula rang me at around 2pm. I was asleep but she left me a note saying to stop by cuz she wants to talk to me. I hope it’s nothing to do with money or her asking a favor of me that I really can’t or don’t want to do. Maybe she just wants to shoot the shit about life. You know, her son, her family, guys, her life. She mentioned something about moving. Or maybe she’ll come out and tell me she’s gay. Fat chance, but for some reason, I still, up to this day, wouldn’t be surprised if she is. Even Brenda suggested it. She is kind of masculine and if needed, ill-tempered, even though otherwise she’s feminine and pretty - her hair, her skin, her teeth, her eyes.

The night before last, me, Andy and Fran called Joe D, Nerv’s neighbor, and really got him, his niece and her fiancée going well. I made some fantastic edits out of them. So now I have side A and most of side B of a 90-minute tape filled with edits of a few strangers, me, Andy, Fran, Nervous, Tracy, Bobbie and my uncle, too.

Last night Brenda and I went to see The Exorcist 3. I never saw parts 1 and 2, but I wish I did.

Jai’s officially moved out and may God be with me and grant me yet another great neighbor as good as Nancy and Jai were and Steve and Brenda are. I hope it’s either a straight woman or a gay man. I don’t have to say why I don’t want a straight guy, but I don’t want it to be a gay woman that may, God forbid, be attractive that I can’t have or be ugly that wants me. I highly doubt either one could ever happen though cuz not too many ugly ones want me or if they do, they’re not usually a problem. Like men. Being persistent I mean. And as far as an attractive one - there are none.

Today’s Gloria’s b-day. She’s 33 years old. 10 years younger than Linda.

I looked back further in this book and I was shocked that I’d forgotten to write about my new pig Trixie unless I missed it. Brenda got her for me. She reminds me so much of Jellybean who I had the last time I lived here. She’s so lovable and gives me kisses just like Jellybean used to and Toffee does. I didn’t expect to buy a guinea pig but she looks like Toffee and that kind of coat is rare. I couldn’t resist. Toffee’s black with streaks of golden-like rusty brown and Trixie’s black with a streak of white that goes from the back of her neck down her shoulder to her paw. She’s also got a little patch of white under her neck. Brenda named her, so they’re the 3 Ts. Toffee, Tigger and Trixie.

Gremlin’s doing fine too, thank God.

Andy and Fran are on the phone now as Andy calls people to hear the Rick and Nervous tape that’s playing while I write but I’m gonna go listen to music now.

I’ve been beat all day. Why I do not know. I slept from 4am to almost 3pm today.

I saw Martha, and Bill was here from 6:30 to 9:30.

Today Brenda, Andy and I went to the beach. We enjoyed ourselves very much but I had some slightly annoying period cramps.

By the way, before I continue to write about our day at the beach, let me say Andy will be ringing the doorbell soon. He called to say he was dying to take a walk but that he’ll only ring to say, “Hi. I’m here.” Then he’ll walk back home and call me.

Well, I got some fairly decent color but we were all sort of off to a late start so we all could’ve gotten more. Some’s better than none, though, right? We saw Tammy C and also Michelle G, the daughter of Dick and Bea who owns the skating rink where I took figure skating lessons when I was around 12 or 13 years old. That is also where I had my very first cigarette too, thanks to good old Jenny C. We all went swimming, but not really swimming as the water was kind of cold which is weird. Especially for August. What is it with this beach lately? The water, however, was a little clearer but it’s still polluted and I’m sure it will always be. We went to the flat rocks during the day and at night.

It is now 3:12 AM and Andy rang my bell about 15 minutes ago and in about a half-hour he’ll call me when he gets home but I’m whipped so I’m gonna lay down. I want to sleep as many hours as I can before having to get up to see Martha at 4:00 tomorrow. The last two nights I’ve only barely slept 6 hours each night.

I’m on the phone right now with Fran who’s on the other line, and believe me, I know who he’s talking to. This girl named Liz who he recently started to date. I spoke with her for a while a few weeks ago. She seems nice, but perhaps a little young, naïve and wild. As far as Fran goes, yes he’s his usual pushy self, but it is kind of cute and sincere. He’s very lonely and I just listened to them speak to one another. They spoke for half an hour and then when they were done I called Liz and played just one line of Fran’s from the edits. The one where he tells Nervous, “You ought to do your laundry, it stinks.” I knew it was mean, but I couldn’t resist. I crossed her with some mean old hag of a lady, too.

I am now watching A Current Affair which is just about over. Later I’ll watch Cops on 61 while recording Golden Girls on 22 on the big TV in the living room.

Brenda is here. She’s pretty tired. Says some lady hit the side of her cab today.

This weekend was sort of a depressing one as reality hit home this time. It was pretty scary, too.

As usual, the contest was fixed but I felt like I pulled off my performance better than I thought I’d pull it off. I won’t really know for sure until and if I see the video of it. It was taped.

As far as reality’s concerned, well, I just don’t like the business and I finally realized it wasn’t destined like I thought it was. I feel I’d have made it by now and also I’d never have been a smoker or have been able to quit by now. Also, I don’t feel it’s a place for a gay woman to be. I mean, I can see if you’re a gay guy or some big bull butch but I’m not. I’m a tiny feminine one who’s a prime target of rape and other violence. I’d be crazy to even try to make it cuz I will get raped or possibly killed. Believe me, God will see to it cuz for every good thing I get I get something bad with it and as far as something spectacular like that happening to me, well, I’m 100% sure something terrifying will happen to me. Also, you have to have money to make money and have backers and connections and be a druggie. No way. So, after realizing all this I asked myself, “What’s left?” I can’t have any kids and I want college to be my last resort if I can help it so I thought about the police academy but who knows if I can even do that? All I know is, somehow, some way, I have to make a living and try to get a better income for myself. I’m gonna hate it with a passion but it’s either that or disability till Mom and Dad die and I don’t want that. I’m going to miss never having my dream come true, but hey, does anybody ever get what they really want when it comes to their careers or their lovers? I just can’t keep living on dreams and fantasies forever.