I just got back from therapy and I’m at the store now.

We went to the Pub Friday and Saturday night. We saw Kacey. She was dancing with Linda who called a couple of times asking questions. I told her like it is. Or like it was.

I saw Tracy too, (not Fran’s friend) and we were talking for a while. Can you believe she’s still with her lover Nancy?! That’s a long fucking time. She said she just got lucky and she too, was about to give up thinking she’d never ever get a girlfriend. Yeah, well I’m still not stupid. I know what’s destined for me and what’s not.

There were some very feminine girls there too, who were mostly straight, of course. One was both ways, though, but seemed the least bit interested in me. Another girl, who was gorgeous, was with another girl but she kept eyeing me. She was weird, though, and I don’t know if the looks she was giving me were sexual and perhaps violent, too. It looked it. Or maybe she was on something. People are weird and very confusing. Andy says she was checking me out for future reference cuz she can’t be with that girl forever which may be true, but will God let me have someone looking like that? Even if I got her she probably wouldn’t be around too long and may be a liar, thief and a druggie.

Then I met this girl, Cherrie, who’s pretty, but she and the guy she lives with, who Andy knows too, are coke addicts and they’re also into threesomes and orgies. No way could I ever dig that!

After the Pub on Saturday night, we went to Longmeadow and egged a dozen cars. When I told Martha about it and why I did it she was actually amused by it. I told her that since I behave so damn well most of the time, I felt I was entitled. Also, I get so much anger built up inside cuz of the way people are and how life is a lot of the time that I feel the need to lash out periodically. I’m tired of having to be perfect while everyone else fucks up and gets away with it. No more Ms. Nice Girl, although I’ll never do a fraction of what most people do.

It’s freezing in here. Carl’s supposed to be on his way to fix the heater.

I made it to work exactly on time. In fact, I was 3 minutes early. This guy just came into the store that I would’ve flipped head over heels for if I was straight. He was very good-looking.

Last night, after I finally got home, I watched Twin Peaks and took a shower. You could see I got massive color from the beach. Jai noticed it immediately, but it was mostly on the front side since it was just too cold to lie on my stomach.

Later...

This guy just came in and right away my ESP said he was trouble. He came up to the register with two cans of soda, and as I was ringing them up, he quickly snatched my lighter. I simply grabbed his wrist, took the lighter out of his hand and said, “You want a lighter, you ask, and it’s 59¢.”

Patrick, this regular customer, asked me if I had a boyfriend and when I said I was gay he confessed that he was bi and had been to the Pub and the Frontier before. It’s amazing how many people out there are gay or bi or have thought about it. Andy would definitely be attracted to this guy. I know his type.

At last, we are on our way to the beach! We’ve been dying to get here. We’ll be there in about half an hour. I’m totally starving so we’re gonna stop first at the old Cumberland Farms right outside the gate that enters the beach.

I wonder what the fuck Mom and Dad plan on doing with the cottage? I really hope they don’t sell it, or if they do, I hope they at least give it to Tammy and Bill and let it stay in the family.

Later...

My parents do have their cottage up for sale. Andy’s is for sale, too.

It was fucking freezing! We were so pissed! I did get some color, but not a whole heck of a lot cuz I couldn’t put up with being so cold that both me and Andy put our shirts and pants on and then we even had to put our coats on too. It got cold fast and foggy, too.

We went to see Mrs. Labriola, an old lady I’ve known since I was a kid. She looked good, but for some reason, I can’t help but feel she doesn’t have too much time left.

After that, we went to the Ames department store in Old Saybrook. I bought two tube tops, a shirt, and Opium scented lotion, but it’s awful.

Then we went to Tammy’s. She looks ok but seems stressed out. I think it’s got something to do with Bill. Lisa looks great, and Becky is turning out to be so cute!

Right now I am watching Matlock. Next is In the Heat of the Night, and lastly (I hope it’s still on), is Midnight Caller.

After work today I laid out on the back porch and I did get a faint trace of color. Better some than none.

This Thursday Andy and I are going to the beach!!! On the way back I guess we’re gonna stop at Tammy’s.

I’m at the store now. Saturday I had a blast. I met Paula on Friday, then Saturday I went over to her place like I did Friday after work. Saturday night, Andy and I went to the Enfield Mall where I finally got the jacket of my dreams for $86. It’s black suede with fringes. It’s beautiful!

I came into the store to relieve Dotty and just a few minutes ago Joel came in and I asked him in Spanish if he spoke Spanish and he nodded. Then about 30 seconds later, he goes, “What did you say?” I said that I had told him that I spoke Spanish too, and he nodded. Then he said, “I nodded as if it was just anyone speaking, but I didn’t expect it from you.”

It’s amazing how most Spanish people are surprised if an American speaks it. They usually expect it from only other Spanish people.

I’ll be here from 3-7.

I ran into Paula B at the store the other day who’s a year younger than me, and gorgeous with nice white teeth and dark hair and eyes. She’s flaky, though. She’s part Italian. She’s on disability like Fran, Stuart, Bobbie and myself, and has a 2-year-old son, Robert. I don’t think she really enjoys being a mom, though.

I knew her from the Harley Hotel. She bullied everyone but me around till she got fired. We were both housekeepers there 5 years ago. I worked there for 16 months. She lives a few buildings away, and I stopped up to see her earlier.

I woke up to the landlord ringing the doorbell to check the thermostat, and I looked at the clock that I forgot to set before going to bed last night and said, oh shit! I thought for sure I was fired and I said to myself, “If you lose this one, you have no one to blame but yourself.” But everything’s ok.

The landlord said he had to readjust the anticipator, whatever the hell that means. Then I told him I was sorry for the mess in here and he laughed saying, “I thought it looked pretty good.”

I’m glad he thinks so. I have so much clutter and so many dishes to do. He came in last week, noticed my hall light was out and changed the bulb which was really nice.

Here I am at the store again, and I’m finally waking up fully now. I fell asleep last night at 10:15 and got up at 7:15. I would’ve gone to sleep earlier, but I ended up over at Steve’s and we had a great talk. He is the most positive and understanding person. Why are all the good people either straight, gay and taken, gay and uninterested, or guys? I know Springfield’s the wrong place to be if you’re looking for an attractive, feminine woman who’s decent anyway. The whole state is mostly full of jerks, be they male, female, gay or straight.

I am at the store once again after only sleeping 1½ hours, but that’s my fault cuz yesterday I slept all damn day.

Last night I was so fucking horny for Kacey. She was fantastic in bed. I wished I could call her up and ask if we could just have sex here and there, but it wouldn’t be purely sexual cuz we do like each other and are attracted to each other, and we wouldn’t have to spend days or even a whole night together cuz she doesn’t want commitment and neither do I. It’s gonna be years before I’m ever gonna be ready to consider another short-term relationship. I also know God would only allow me to be with someone very briefly, anyway, like 2-4 weeks and that’s ok, but I hope the next woman is my type like Kacey was and just as attractive if not more. I’ll never be with anyone. I may not have a child, but I don’t know for sure. It’s too soon to say, but if I ever do, it’ll be years from now. But I am not gonna give up my music, no matter what.

People say to me when I’m not singing well, oh, it’s only a temporary setback. Well, I have too many setbacks. Why oh why can’t I fucking quit smoking?!

Later...

I can’t believe how dead this store is. It usually is, but now it’s deader than dead. The kids are all on school vacation, therefore, I figured it would be busier, but I guess they’re all sleeping in late. It’ll pick up later, though I hope it doesn’t. I’m exhausted.

I wanna get laid so bad! To fantasize is always my favorite way so I can have it just the way I want it with someone gorgeous who accepts me and loves me for what and who I am, but since the “in” thing these days is just sex, it would be nice once in a while with someone as good in bed as Kacey was and with her personality, too. And looks too, naturally. The day I settle for someone who’s both ugly and a jerk or someone that’s right for me who’s ugly, or a beautiful asshole is the day I win the lottery. Gotta have my cake and eat it too, no matter what.

Later...

I wish 3:00 would hurry the fuck up and get here.

Steve just came in and bought $8 worth of stuff, and I forgot to give him my keys to forward my line in case that girl tries to call.

I called the Harley to see what kind of reference they’d give, and all the general manager said, whom I never knew, was that I worked there and gave the dates. He said he didn’t feel it was right to say anything more since he wasn’t there when I was there. He also said that if I, who gave a false name and business, of course, wanted any more information I had to mail him a company letter and then get my permission for a release of information.

Louis said he called there and the manager had said I was a good worker.

Later...

Why does everyone hit the store at once!?! I mean, really! As soon as someone comes to the window, someone knocks on the door, then, someone else comes to the window. Or, someone comes to the window and you get them what they want as two more people come to the window. Then you ask the first person if that’s all they want, they say yes and you go to wait on the second person, then the first person wants something else. Another thing is that as soon as the phone rings or I go to make a call or to the bathroom, someone just has to come in.

Is God testing my patience?

Good God was I tired this morning! I didn’t fall asleep till almost 3:30 again. No noise kept me up. It’s just that I’m a night person. Always have been, always will be.

Yesterday I wouldn’t wish what happened to me on my worst enemy. Just the rapists and murderers. I had the worst period cramps in a long, long time and had to leave yesterday at noon. Maybe it’s cuz I’ve gained 5 pounds. Shit, it looks like I’ve gained 10 and I think I have a hideous shape, although people think I’m nuts when I say that. Anyway, the more I weigh, the worse my cramps are.

I’m really enjoying this job, even though I sit here doing nothing 90% of the time. I see no difference between sitting at home or sitting here.

I spoke with Steve and Jai briefly yesterday, and Steve should be stopping in soon. His ex-wife is really doing a number on him or trying to, and in this case, I have to admit it’s the woman who’s fucked up.

Although I’ll always be attracted to women, and we all know they’re far less brutal than men, I’m starting to be a little turned off myself. I don’t trust them as much anymore. I mean, they’re supposed to be calling the 900-line cuz they want to meet someone, right? So, why do they always give you the wrong number then? Or no number? Or set up a time to meet and not show up? What’s the fucking point? Do they just get a kick out of leading someone on? Well, it’s my turn now. If this girl Lisa shows up this Sunday, that is. She sounds pretty sane compared to most and I like the idea of someone not too close (she’s from Fairfield, CT), but I’m just not ready to get involved and if I ever am able to get involved, it’s not gonna be for many, many years. Maybe occasional sex here and there, but that’s only if we click right away and if she’s gorgeous, though I doubt I’ll meet someone all that gorgeous unless she’s straight, gay and taken, or gay and not interested. But either way, it’s not worth the hassles, and I find I really want to be alone more and more as time passes. I’m so used to it, too. And again, I’m usually too moody. I get scared. I know it’s bullshit if they say they care and have feelings for me. And they don’t want to get to know you. They’d rather watch TV, go to the movies, read a book, eat dinner, and meanwhile, you remain very calm and say nothing about yourself and don’t dare mention music, cuz it’s in one ear and out the other one. You simply talk about your sexual appearance, if you speak about yourself at all, then they’re gone.

Later...

I feel so much better today. No cramps, though I woke up pretty damn congested, but what do you expect when you only sleep 3 hours?

I tried to call Steve, but his computer was hooked up to the phone.

I’m amazed that the second my alarm goes off, I hear it instantly. I’m not on any medication. When I was, I could never wake up to it, but now I can, even with just a few hours of sleep.

Louis is such a nice guy. He and I have the same personal feelings about how much easier it is to be alone. He told me not to tell anyone, but that he was in the funny farm for a while. I told him I was, too. He’s very encouraging and cheerful. Practically all my fears of working have vanished. I’m a little tired in the morning until I have my coffee. I like this job even though it’s dead. Better dead than a zoo, like I said before. And it’s under the table even though it’s only $3.50, but any bit will help. And I don’t have to take buses.

Later...

Well, only 3 more hours to go. I got 19 hours in, so that’s $68.35. Pay day’s Friday.

Dotty’s son Chad’s here doing his laundry. He has to work after I leave in a few hours. He just woke up. I told him he could go back home and that I’d finish his laundry.

Maybe Betty, the woman next door in the salon, can trim my hair after work. It hasn’t been trimmed in 15 months and needs a good inch hacked off. I want it one length. It’ll take a while to get it even, but it’s a hell of a rat’s nest. If I could get a dollar for every split end I have, I’d be rich.

Later...

Two more hours to go. I guess Andy and I are going shopping later. I hate grocery shopping, though I really need to go. I still have to get my food stamps first.

Tracy, and possibly Bobbie too, are supposed to be coming over later tonight. If for some reason they don’t, I’m gonna tell Tracy to just mail the $10 I loaned her. I’m not waiting any longer for it. I should’ve known better, though, than to give it to her. I’m gonna try and call her now.

I was about to write, then had to stop to wait on a few people. Now it won’t pick up again till noon and right around 3:00 when everyone gets out of school.

Both Andy and Nervous stopped in yesterday.

I hope everything’s ok with Steve. I know he’s been working his ass off at the base like crazy cuz of an inspection. But last night around 9:30, as I was trying to fall asleep, my doorbell rang. It was a cop who gave Steve a summons. For what, I have no idea. This cop was nice and I could tell he liked me, but if I was straight I could never get a cop. I never could get people with certain jobs like lawyers, doctors, or anything like that. And women seem to want ugly or plain-looking women.

Andy says that yes, butch wants fem, but fem wants fem, too. Well, that’s not what I’ve noticed. That’s why Stacey wasn’t interested in me. She wants butchy. I’m glad, though, that that’s the way it turned out cuz she wasn’t my type. Again, she’s not ugly, but she doesn’t turn me on either. We had met at Andy’s NA meeting (Andy’s a pothead), and I’m not really cool with the idea of seeing an alcoholic, anyway.

Well, I am at the store now. Louis has finally gotten his full-time trucking job so now I’m here full-time, Monday-Friday. I just finished calling in the milk order. I got here at 7:30, but last night I didn’t fall asleep till 3:30 cuz I’m a night person and the fucking drug dealers wouldn’t shut up. What is this neighborhood coming to? It’s getting to be just like Oswego Street!

Ito, this 12-year-old kid who’s skipping school is here with me. We played a game of concentration. He’s a nice kid. The store sure is dead though. Everyone’s either in school or working. Maybe when Carl’s here at noon to get Ito to go shopping for store supplies, I can run up to my place to get some laundry. The washer and dryers are good here and I’ve got nothing better to do.

I wonder if Nervous will stop in later? I told him he could.

Dotty just stopped in. She works weekends and after I leave at 5:00.

I had a very good talk with Dad on his birthday. He enjoyed his tape and the card I made him and also the pictures I sent him that Kacey took. Yes, Ma still sounded quite grumpy. Tammy said she did, too.

Ok, I just put on a tape of Juice Newton in the kitchen.

Can you believe it’s snowing out there again? Anyone who lives around here probably can. I mean, that’s New England for you. We’ve been having crazy weather.

Guess what I got? Another guinea pig. This one’s huge!! Ten times bigger than any other one I’ve had before. I named him Tiger cuz that’s what his big furry face reminds me of. He’s so unusually friendly and calm, though, just like Toffee is. They seem to like each other, too. They’re each in a 10-gallon cage right next to each other where they can see each other.

It’s a lot easier to clean two small cages, rather than one big one, and a 10-gallon is certainly too small for more than one pig. I got him yesterday when I was out with Jessie.

I went to Food Fart with her, then we went to Friendly’s and couldn’t resist getting one of the egg and cheese specials, so I got one and I was fine! I’m thrilled! Plus, I really do feel much better since I got the antibiotic. Yes, I’m still a little stuffy and congested but I will be as long as I continue to smoke and who knows if I’ll ever quit? It’s great not always having to take my inhaler, though, or feeling like I’m gonna suffocate to death or have a heart attack.

I wonder what’s up with Steve? I haven’t heard from him in a while. Jessie says he changed his schedule. I gotta call Tracy and Fran and a few other people today. Nervous will call later. He called yesterday but I was asleep so the machine got it. Later, I’ll write about the piano and that 900-line.

Well, a few things have happened since right before therapy last Monday. Therapy was off to a rough start but then it ended fairly well. Martha’s really nice and she really does care, but she doesn’t quite understand me like Trisha did.

Hank didn’t show up so I got a little cash and went to McDonald’s myself.

Tuesday I received my fuel assistance check for the month of February and am still waiting for January and March.

Today I went down to see Dr. McGovern and he’s given me amoxicillin for 10 days. Already I feel a great difference! Thank fucking God! I have a sinus infection and bronchitis due to major congestion.

Me and Jessie called Mom cuz Jessie wanted to ask her if she still has any of those French-cut bikinis left like the black and blue one with glitter I have. She wore it when we went to the hotel. Ma sounded very grumpy and snobby. I guess she’s been sick and she herself is on an antibiotic. She said Dad got his tape.

I left another message on the 900-line. My main intention is to hurt people and screw them over. I know it sounds cruel and I don’t want to do it, but I feel I have to. I feel it’s owed to me. It’s my turn for once to lead people on.

Well, when I finally fell asleep yesterday I had been up just about 24 hours, so I’m wide awake now and not too stuffed up since I slept with my humidifier on. I’ll just have to watch the cigarettes. I slept from 6:30 PM to 2 AM. Then around 2:30, I called Andy who was talking to his friend Brian, but he went to sleep right after he was done. He’s got to work today.

Andy left a good 10 minutes or so of his pitiful singing on my machine, but it was so funny. I strongly believe, though, that if a person loves to sing, they should sing, whether they’re good or not.

I briefly spoke to Steve, but he was talking to someone long distance and then he went to bed, too.

Why the hell is everyone awake when I’m asleep and dead to the world when I’m awake?

Nervous left a message on my machine saying he’ll call me today. I haven’t heard from Jessie or Fran, and I guess Tracy’s in Philly till Wednesday.

Well, Dad’s birthday is Thursday. Same day as court. I sent him a tape I made of songs from Linda and Gloria. Side A is Linda. Side B is Gloria.

I’ve got therapy at 10:00, and when I get out I may meet with Hank. He called yesterday like he does every now and then and he sounded good. Says he misses my music and temper tantrums.

Later...

I started making a Gloria medley. Right now I’m listening to a tape of Fran calling Nervous trying to convince him that Nervo’s line is cutting off his and pretending to be the phone company. This is last summer when he had a phone. I can hear Nervous getting so Nervous choking on his breath and spitting as he swears at Fran and Fran swears back saying he’s gonna send the phone company out to his apartment.

Maybe I’ll call Emily and see if she’s up. I haven’t heard from her in a long time, of course, but what else is new? How often does she call me anyway?

Later...

When am I gonna get the bus schedule straight? I stood outside at the stop on my street needlessly for 15 minutes. I should be there at 9:15. Oh well. Fresh air never hurt and I couldn’t fucking breathe. Of course, I forgot my inhaler.

I hope to hell Hank remembers to show up so I can eat first, before withdrawing cash but either way I have to pull out cash cuz my food stamps don’t come till the 11th and I need food. Badly. Very badly.

Last night I just watched a little TV, then talked with Jai some.

I spoke with Tracy, too. I was totally impressed with her drumming. She used to play the drums and so she drummed with her hands on the table when she was here to some music, and it was great. I hope she’ll be the drummer in my band someday, cuz not only is she very good, but I also like the idea of a female drummer, even though she’s a butch. A major butch. So, so ugly, too.

My rhythm has always been my weakest area of music, but I sure can easily see when someone else has it down pat.

Earlier I went to the store I work at to get a few things and chatted for a few moments with Carl who owns the place with Louis.

I’m gonna try to sleep as late as I can cuz I have to be wide awake tomorrow for therapy, then I’ll be working tomorrow.