Switched the EC from vent to cool. Tom just went to the racetrack. His parents won’t be there cuz his dad’s really sick, but David will more than likely be there.

This weekend has been going great. Just fantastic. Yesterday after we screwed, I was thinking, yup, that woman was right. I’ll never have a child if that means making him happy. That’s still OK with me, but still too bad in a way. I still do firmly believe this, but I’ve learned something new about Tom that was hard for me to not only learn but to do when we slept in separate rooms. He’s definitely not kidding when he told me that the best time for him to screw is when he first gets up. That way his body’s relaxed, yet revived. We screwed again this morning and if I said that he was faking being as close as he was, I’d definitely be lying. That was certainly no act on his part. I don’t know how I can tell, but I just can.

If only things can stay this good! Oh, I hope they do! I’m gonna do everything in my power to see that they do. Not only is the sex improving little by little, just when I didn’t think it was going to and the frequency of it is going up, but there’s something else that’s improved. He says he has me to thank for it.

I also called my mother who says she’s gotten to the point where she doesn’t think about smoking. I don’t know if that’s the truth, but I’m still so envious, cuz whether or not she thinks of it or not, she wouldn’t lie about it being just about a month that she hasn’t smoked. God, I wish I could do that!

Yesterday we checked AOL to see if there was an updated list of Norah’s movies. There was no additional information about her and we couldn’t find where to send any letters.

This morning Tom and I filmed me fingerspelling the alphabet for him to learn it.

Oh, I forgot to write about what he said he has me to thank for. Well, you know I’ve said that he says he’s gonna do all kinds of things that he just never gets around to doing or does them much much later than he said he would. Not lately. He’s really been making a move on things. He did some serious back room work and he cleared off my drawing table. I also didn’t think he was gonna get around to the fingerspelling so soon. He says that the reason why he has me to thank for it is cuz of the idea I had to try the Slim-Fast stuff. He’s been on it and he says it really makes him feel so much more motivated and energetic. Well, I’m glad he got the idea and I hope it continues to work for him.

Later...

I just watched Little House on the Prairie and before that, I made some fried chicken wings.

I know there’s something else we did yesterday that I’m forgetting to write about, but I can’t think of what it is.

Both my forearms are sore today from trimming the bushes that are right behind the clothesline. I don’t mind hanging clothes out and all and it gives me more to do. However, the bushes were overgrown and in the way before. Especially when I’d hang out sheets. Tom trimmed the bushes out front.

I don’t know if this is what I was forgetting to mention, but we discussed having a tag sale in 2 or 3 weeks. We’d sell mainly old ancient computer stuff. Plus, my old microwave.

Later...

Andy just said that it was definitely still over with Pam, although he’d have liked to have been able to work it out. Well, that happens, even though that’s life and there’s only so much he can do about it. I didn’t want the shit that happened to happen with Donna, Rosemarie, Ellie, that butch and Stacey over at the Vista Ventana, but shit happens. When people do shit to you, there’s only so much you can do on your part. The rest has to be up to them, cuz it takes two to be friends as well as lovers. I’m just very grateful that Tom and I can work out our differences and I know I won’t always feel bad about him not wanting a child. It may not appear to be so from what I’ve written, but it’s already beginning to get easier to deal with. I feel that I’m blessed enough and that most people will never have all I have. I may wish I could quit smoking, have a child and whatever else at times, but you win some and you lose some. Tom was right when he said all you can do is just try.

Later...

The trick-or-treaters are out there now. The sun’s just about completely set. We turned the front light off and locked the screen door. So, if anyone’s dumb enough to ring the bell or knock we’ll just ignore it.

Tom’s working on his computer next to me right now. He didn’t win at the tracks but had fun.

His dad’s in the hospital with pneumonia and will probably be there for a few days.

I just took a bath. Earlier Tom trimmed half an inch off my hair and in two months I’ll have him do that again.

In a couple of hours, I’ll be recording a couple of movies.

Andy said he was worried about his roommate Michelle. I guess she’s been very depressed. She’s mega fat and owes just over a grand in bills. However, her expenses are barely $300 a month, her father sends her $300 a month to help her out and she’s got a full-time job, so why she’s so miserable beats Andy. I just told him that it could be any number of things. Maybe she’s struggling with coming out. Andy says that in his heart of hearts, he feels she’s gay and how many 20-year-old virgins are there in today’s world?

He also had a dream that really impressed him since he’s always been rather wimpy. Well, in the dream, he, Michelle, and his friend Adam from Massachusetts who’s soon to be moving to San Diego in real life were walking down a street at night in his dream. They ended up going through a bad neighborhood infested with gangs, only they didn’t know it. A group of about 8 or 10 people came walking up to him and there were 2 leaders. A guy and a blond chick who looked like Madonna’s type. Michelle told them not to start shit with them cuz Andy would kick their asses. Well, Andy fought the chick and the guy and won. Michelle and Adam were thrilled saying they knew Andy could do it and Andy was shocked, but proud of himself as well as grateful.

They have this really good new gum flavor, cotton candy.

Yesterday was a good day and today’s been good so far, too.

I still feel runny and itchy a bit, but I know it’s normal to have some itch. Even Tom gets itchy every now and then and puts hydrocortisone cream on. I guess it’s that time of the month when I’m supposed to run.

Anyway, I’ve been constipated yesterday and today, so my stomach’s been showing and feeling that.

I spoke to Kim who left a message last night. She said she’s doing OK, but she ended up having to have more surgery than originally planned and she did have to stay in the hospital for a few days. The doctor says she can still have kids, but I just don’t see it. She said if the problem comes back, she’ll have to have a hysterectomy and that could be in two weeks, or several years or never. She said she doesn’t think she’ll have any problems for several years and after she has kids, then she’ll probably have to get a hysterectomy.

She also said she finally told her mother about the babysitter that molested her when she was 6 or 7. Her mother was very supportive, so that’s good. She could’ve been in denial and tried to tell Kim that it never could’ve or did happen at all. She said she had a feeling since it happened that something did happen, but she couldn’t remember what or who or how till right before she met me when she was 21. I was the first one she told. I guess repressed memory is for real after all. I was wondering about that idea. She also says that she has a feeling that something happened with a distant family member when she was 11, but can’t remember right now. She feels that she’ll be able to remember it in time.

Anyway, she’s just taking it easy. She’s to be out of work for 3 weeks and is cranking out tons of letters.

She and Doug are still doing well and she says she knows she’ll end up marrying him. They haven’t set a date yet.

Tom and I did some work on the back room earlier. He did some work in the little room and I sorted the file box.

Like I said, he went down on me yesterday, then later we screwed. He proved to me all the more that screwing was never intended to be just for him or for us. It was supposed to be for him cuz I had been taken care of and I said he could go at his own pace, I still enjoy it and it was his turn. Sure enough, I had a hard time getting him hard with my hand, then when I got him hard enough and he went in there he wasn’t into it at all. He wasn’t in there very long at all. He insisted that it’s just that he “likes variety.” Sometimes he likes it short, sometimes he likes it long. Yeah, right. How much do you want to bet that if I was so horny and was gonna take care of myself while he was in there, there’d have been no problem getting him hard if it was for me? Then right after I’d cum he’d pull out. I never thought I’d meet anyone more scared than I am to have a kid.

That’s all for now. I think I’ll break for a cigarette, then I’ll write more later.

Later...

Tom finally got my drawing table cleared off so I washed that down and set it up nicely.

I just made pork chops and baked potatoes and now I’m waiting for the mail.

Earlier we changed Piggy’s cage and yesterday we agreed that today we’d do some research on Norah and see how I can find out about her and maybe even send a letter. I don’t know if he’s still gonna be up to that, though. If I do send a letter, that’ll be the first letter I’ve sent a celebrity in years. I sent Linda two letters years ago when I was in my teens but I never heard from her. I did hear from Kim Basinger and Nicolette Larson, though. Those are the only people I ever sent letters to. Why I sent anything to Kim Basinger beats me. I was never attracted to her and I never was a fan of her movies. I wasn’t attracted to Nicolette either, although I have one album of hers that I always loved, and I loved the long hair she used to have. She was one of those singers who was here today and gone tomorrow.

I never sent anything to Gloria and I never would. She’s too big of a star and I’d never hear anything from her. Stars that big don’t even hear about their fan letters, let alone read them. I’ll bet that the only time they hear about them is if there’s something different, weird or threatening about them.

I got up about an hour ago and Tom was still up. He’s been up for 24 hours. He said it’s good for him to break up the monotony and do that every now and then. The thing I envy about the guy is that he can throw himself back on track for work or whatever he needs to whenever he wants to. I wish I could do that. This would throw my whole schedule off for God knows how long if I had to maintain his schedule.

Anyway, there’s not much to report at this time. Just that Andy’s having a hard time with Pam who he’s been friends with for around two years. He was friends with her and her husband. He met them at his old complex over in Glendale and they still live there. Apparently, after having a good honest friendship with Pam and John, Pam scammed Andy by giving him shitty pot. She supposedly swapped bags and he ended up out $5 and with shitty weed. So, he told her that the money wasn’t the principal of the point, it was her intentionally lying to him.

He’s the opposite of me. When I’m pissed or upset with someone, I like to get it off my chest ASAP and confront the source, or else it’ll eat and eat at me. He likes to wait at least 48 hours so he can cool down and not say mean, hurtful things. So, he wrote his feelings to her in a letter without any threats, saying he knew what she did, it was wrong, but that they hoped they could work it out after such a good friendship. Well, she didn’t want to work it out. She left about 10 threatening messages on his machine and even went to his boss at work with a copy of the letter trying to get him fired for doing drugs. His boss, though, said that whatever Andy does out of work is his business and that he’s not gonna be fired.

Andy also said, thanks, but he won’t be needing that check.

Later...

Tom went to take a 4-hour nap which will be over within an hour.

Yesterday he said that if he was a smoker like I was who had tried to quit several times and didn’t succeed, it’d make him more determined to quit. I wish I had that attitude, but instead, it makes me want to give up more. I asked him if that meant that he was all the more determined to have a kid and he said yes. Yeah, right!

Meanwhile, I just did a big load of laundry which is now out on the line to dry. After I wake Tom up I’ll do the sheets and hang those out, too.

I finished typing the letter I had begun to my parents 3 days ago and I also did one for Kim, Bob and Tammy.

After Tom gets up he’s gonna go to the store and pick up some groceries. Will we have sex? That’s doubtful.

Their clocks went back in the east so they’re now 2 hours ahead instead of 3.

Later...

Tom just showed me something really cool that you can do with the CDs you play. Not only can I play them in random order, but I can select the tracks I want. That way I won’t be surprised by the shitty songs.

I tried to go as long as I could without smoking. I only went for 4 hours. Wowee, huh? Tom said that at least I tried. Anyway, the day’s been going OK. Tom even went down on me and we’ll probably screw later.

I should’ve fucking known better! Why the fuck did I have to go and tell Tom? Why? I ruined everything. I thought maybe, just maybe he’d understand. Instead, I did a really horrible thing, I broke our agreement which is off, he says, and also that there is no “us” right now even though we both gave our word that we would be married for life, not to mention all the other mean and untrue things he said.

I made the phone call cuz I felt like I was gonna freak and maybe do something stupid. All I wanted was someone to talk to and to calm down. I didn’t want to call him at work or involve Andy, Tammy or anyone else that we know. All I wanted was someone’s opinion, yet he says I’m lying to myself over the reasons why I called and he can’t trust me and I’ve lost a big part of him.

Over a phone call? Over a stupid phone call that I really wish to hell I never made, we have to throw it all away? The agreement and God knows what else? I know he’s doing this to punish me.

He said part of our agreement was to not talk to anyone till April of ‘97 if we had no luck on our own. I knew that but I didn’t know that meant not talking to someone at a medical info line. I didn’t set up a doctor’s appointment. He tells me that he doesn’t get his way, yet if I step out of line, it’s over and he has to dwell on it for days. Can’t he say to himself, “She didn’t mean to hurt me, made an honest mistake that she says she won’t make again, but we can just move on?”

He tells me to move forward after a bad day or thing has occurred and not to throw things away if I’ve made a mistake, but yet we can’t continue with our agreement. We have to come up with a whole new agreement which is so stupid and unnecessary. Knowing him he’ll make it April of ‘98 to punish me, even though he insists he wouldn’t punish me, doesn’t want to blame anyone, etc. Well, I sure feel blamed. Right now I feel like everything’s my fault and I fucked up this marriage even though I’d never try to. Can you imagine if I were to deliberately try to fuck up this marriage? I wouldn’t have to try hard at all now, would I?

What hurtful untrue things did he say? Well, according to him he makes 90% of his meals which is really more like 40% - 50%. And he says that I do for me and he does for us. Then why do I constantly ask if he needs anything or would like me to do anything? Why do I cook for him? Why do I do the grocery list? Why do I clean the house? The house that he also lives in. Why did I do the signing stuff? Why did I do a lot of things that I could go on and on with? Who does he think he’s kidding?

Not surprisingly at all (probably cuz this woman was right) he said this woman I spoke to was a quack for telling me what she thought of the situation without knowing all the facts. I told him she did say that she’s no expert in the matter, doesn’t know all there is to know about us and can only offer her theories about the matter. He said the reason why he was afraid of my going to a counselor is cuz he’s afraid they’ll want to drug me up and that’ll shatter my life after I’ve made so much progress. But this makes no sense! Why would they want to drug me up?

He says I believe authority figures. Well, let me set the record straight - if there’s anyone I don’t trust it is authority figures, and if a doctor suggested meds to me, I’d just walk out of their office. Not go off the deep end.

It’s not that I ever wanted to see a counselor and thought that that would necessarily be the answer to our problems cuz I believe that only we can work this out and that if we can’t, a therapist isn’t gonna do it. A medical doctor would do it. One that can get his sperm into me somehow, but trust me on this one, never before have I felt this turned off by this man in almost every way you can imagine. I don’t want to have sex with him, I don’t want to be a singer, I don’t want to have a kid. I don’t want to do anything but stay just the way I am. I may as well have his attitude and say hey, I made a mistake singing yesterday, so fuck it. I’ll just throw it away. I don’t want to do anything with him right now and I really think I’ll be feeling that way for a long time. I don’t even want to sit in the same room with the guy right now. According to him, I’m mean, selfish, unloving and on and on. Well, I have no desire to get close to or do anything with someone that says this. How dare he say I lie to myself while he lies to my face with such comments like “I do for me and he does for us.”

Never before have I been so determined to keep my mouth shut when the tiniest thing is bothering me. It’s worth exploding over by keeping it bottled up. I’ll never call no medical info line, I’ll never call no crisis center and I’ll certainly never talk to him. I really feel like he’s treating me like I killed someone. I may as well have done just that!

Meanwhile, he says that nothing he feels has changed with him. That’s funny that he could say that after saying our agreement’s off. That really makes me feel that he just may be telling the truth about wanting a kid. What it really tells me is that he’s told me the truth and has confessed to me that my doubts about him were true.

I just hope he goes out today and stays far the hell away from me. Even if he woke up and told me he jumped the gun and that we should move forward and forget what was an honest mistake on my part - no way! And personally? I don’t feel that phone call was a mistake. I feel it was a mistake to tell him about it. That’s for damn sure. Meanwhile, I had a right to seek information and opinions. I didn’t publish my fears, doubts and questions in a newspaper. I called a medical nurse.

Later...

I just listened to music for a little bit, but my stomach’s really bothering me. I can’t seem to #2 right now, even though I feel like I need to.

He just got up, I don’t feel like talking and am still pretty tired. I think I’ll go lie down.

Later...

Mr. Can’t Do No Wrong is up now. Now here’s a classic example of doing for oneself, but not for both of us. He told me a few days ago that he was gonna go on the Slim-Fast diet today. He did. It’s funny, though, how he can stick to that. That’s more important than our agreement.

This morning he asked if he could get me anything and if I wasn’t going to talk to him. I just told him that there was nothing to say. I don’t want to do anything. I don’t want to talk about anything.

Later...

Tom just left to go do that electrical work for Evelyn. He told me that he canceled his work tomorrow with Eldon, but didn’t mention the 5th. All he mentioned was having to call him back. He tried this morning, but couldn’t get ahold of him.

Anyway, we did end up talking some more cuz I know that’s what he wanted. I’ll still always end up regretting it and wishing I’d kept my mouth shut.

He still sees me as selfish, spoiled and that what I did yesterday was wrong and breaking our agreement. I see it as trying to help us and what’s wrong with a couple trying to get help sooner than later? I wasn’t making an appointment to see a doctor. Yes, he insists that what I did was as good as doing that cuz I was trying to help us sooner. What’s wrong with trying to help us sooner to ensure that all the more we wouldn’t have to go to a doctor? I can’t help the way I feel about it and he said I have a right to feel the way I feel about it. Yet, in the next breath, he said the problem was that I still believed that what I did was OK. I swear I’ll never do another thing to try to help us. He still insists that he wants a kid, that we could’ve had one by now and that we will, but I really think this is his way of letting me know that I was right about suspecting that he didn’t want one and to him, this is a way out of it.

There’s always no opportunity for him. There’s always an excuse for him. This is what I get for praying? Yesterday after I spoke to the woman, I was still crying and I finally got up the nerve to pray after the OJ verdict for God to help us. Instead, the situation only gets worse. He says I blame God for a lot of shit and don’t take responsibility for my own actions. But I do believe God plays a part in a lot of the things in our lives, and I do take responsibility for my own actions. I never blamed anyone for the prank phone calls I’ve made whether or not the person I was calling shit on me or if they were total strangers. I picked up that phone all by myself and I never denied that or stuff I’ve chosen to do by myself whether they were right or wrong.

He says that neither of us should put time frames on stuff and that that’s wrong. Then why is it OK to put the September of ‘96 timeframe on when I’d have a CD out? What’s the difference?

It gets more bizarre. He told me he didn’t like our April of ‘97 agreement. Then why did he make it? I’m so sick of him denying things he says or him going back on his word. He said it was a compromise and that he felt it was the only thing we could do to get what we want. To get what we want, he can just cum, you know. That’d help, but can you understand how I no longer want a child with him? I told him I’d still have one if he ever decides he really wants that and is willing to put his actions where his mouth is, cuz I want to make him happy and the only way he seems to be happy, is if I do what he wants. I thank God that he’ll never cum no matter what I do or don’t say, I will not have a child with this man and I will not step foot into a doctor’s office even if he were to get down on his knees and beg me. We have enough to fight about as it is. There’s no way I’ll involve a child in it or live with the fears I’ll have about it if we did have a child. I refuse to give this man a child. He can have anything else he wants from me, but no child! I refuse to do anything to help us or discuss it, cuz it’ll only start fights.

He says I take fits cuz I can’t get what I want. He’s the one standing in the way of what I want. He took and ruined my dreams of having a child. I can’t see anything changing my mind about it now. Not at this point. He can play this game and lie to me all he wants about it. He tells me that my doubts and paranoias about him are all in my head. Are they? He could’ve fooled me. He has the nerve to say that my refusing to have a child is taking his desire to have a child away while I’ve told him that that’s what I want and he says he wants it too, then he doesn’t deliver. I feel that I’ve done all I can do to help us both and there’s nothing more I can do. I can’t make him cum or force him to give us a child.

He says he thought our sex life was getting better. He could’ve fooled me on that one, too.

I do want to follow through with the singing and the business but am afraid he’ll back out of it. I just can’t buy one thing he says to me. Not about the business, not about the singing, or the back room, or the bee machine, or the cigarette machine, and certainly not the kid. He just has too many goddamn mother-fucking excuses!

From now on, I’m just gonna keep my mouth shut, forget about my dreams and just go along with whatever he does. I’m tired of him never doing what he says he’s gonna do. I’m tired of him denying things I know he did say. I’m tired of him going back on his word and contradicting me. He swears this isn’t my fault, yet he may as well come out and tell me that everything is my fault. Sometimes I think that I’m nothing but a fuck-up and I’m the one that’s ruining this marriage, other times I think it’s him. Well, it’s getting more and more obvious that he’s been full of shit about the things he said he or we were gonna do. I’m completely powerless. He has all the power and control.

Later...

I just got done watching the bulk of a movie, then I’ll be taping another one. The liar will be home around noon. I think I’ll go work on 99 now.

Later...

Tom came home a couple of hours ago and said that since he’s had a chance to calm down he’d really like to continue on with making the marriage work as well as our dreams. I agree that I’d like the marriage to work, I want to spend the rest of my life with him, but I feel that the dreams are in his hands and up to him.

Anyway, we’re both feeling a bit better and now I’ll go do some more work on 99 till he returns from picking up what he’s picking up for himself at Arby’s and for me at KFC.

It’s funny, though, cuz just the other day I wanted to type but couldn’t think of anything to really say. I guess that’s all changed between today and yesterday. One more thing before I go. I asked Tom why it’s OK to have a time frame set for the CD which is September of ‘97, not ‘96. I made a mistake on the year. He said that it’s OK to put time frames on certain things and other things it’s not good to do that cuz it puts pressure on him. Everyone’s different as to what is a good thing to put a time frame on and what isn’t. I’ll just go along with what he wants time frames on and what he doesn’t, cuz I feel that that’s pretty much the only way it can be. He also told me what the difference between a goal and a deadline was in his opinion.

I still say that the bottom line is that I feel that in order to stay with this man that I love for the rest of my life, that does mean never having a kid. I’m not saying he’s not worth it, I’m just saying I’ll always feel he was full of shit about having a kid till the day I die.

He also insisted that I refuse to be proven wrong as far as how I say we can’t ever have a kid for whatever reason or reasons. I think he’s using that as an excuse to cover for his never intending to cum. Among other excuses, too.

Later...

Tom just showed me a couple of really cool things on the computer. He showed me how to get back one keystroke or one click of the mouse that you deleted. I wish I had known that today when I accidentally hit the enter key on one of the page numbers. It caused the computer to crash when I did that, but luckily I didn’t save it that way and after I re-booted my stuff came up just the way it was supposed to be. Before it was mixed up.

Also, I was wrong in saying that Tom never touches those magazine articles I typed up for him. He says he doesn’t use them a lot but he does here and there and he did today to show me how to index some stuff and how the hidden text thing works.

It’s so cool how you can hide stuff within a document. For example, if I’m typing a story, I can leave notes to myself and mark them hidden. Then if I want to check my notes, I can display any hidden text.

Right now he’s working on the TV descrambler.

Boy, did I get the surprise of my life last night. Tom really did wake me up. We didn’t screw, though, and all he did was touch me, but I really thought he was joking. He said that this was a start. He said he had been afraid that if he woke me up I’d get mad. But I only would if he did it constantly or when I was tired and he knows this.

He saved a message from Eldon that I think he only saved hoping I’d hear it. He already has his number written down, so why else would he save it but for what I’m about to write about? Eldon had to cancel their get-together this Sunday and make it next Sunday which is the 5th. He thinks that I’m mid-cycle on the 5th, and I’ve been saying that I think something’s trying to get in our way (besides himself for not cumming). So, I think this is his way of rubbing it in and teasing me with the subject. There are two reasons why I think he won’t cum at the times of the month that it’s very unlikely to conceive. One is cuz there’s still a very slight chance. Two is cuz then it’d look more obvious that he was trying to avoid my getting pregnant.

Anyway, he told me to wake him up at 5 which is in 10 minutes. Then he’ll bang himself hard till he conks out or gets a cramp or whatever the chosen excuse will be for this morning. He can’t go down on me till at least after work. The last of the crotch cream is still making its way out.

I hope Kim’s doing OK. She’s probably on her way out of the hospital at this time since it’s 8:00 there. I can’t see her able to drive herself home from her mother’s, though. She said this operation would have more pain involved than the last and the last time she said she couldn’t move from her mother’s place for a couple of days.

Well, it’s nice to know that instead of going out to the mall with a phony, controlling backstabber (Jenny), then back to a cold, snowy dive as I was on this day 8 years ago, I can have sex and enjoy doing the things I do in a house where it’s safe and the weather’s gorgeous. It’s not gonna be gorgeous, though, for a few more hours.

Karson hasn’t called after those two times she called, so that’s good.

Today I’m gonna vacuum and do the bathroom, but right now it’s time to get off and get him hard!

Later...

Well, I did just what I said I was gonna do. I got him hard, but I didn’t get off. He was just so hard that I couldn’t reach enough of my clit. He was hard instantly. Of course, he isn’t gonna cum with the way he goes about screwing. He speeds up a bit then right as he’s about to go over the edge he stops for about 30 seconds and does this over and over. We screwed on his hard bed which I wasn’t sure if I could ever do, but we both like it better on the waterbed. Then he went to the bathroom which is where he probably got his relief.

He said swapping Andy a check for cash would be no problem if he needs it. Andy says he doubts he’ll need it, but will let me know by Sunday. He’ll have to have it post-dated for the 6th if he does and his appointment is on the 30th. He’s gonna get his gums scaled and they want the first half up front which is $140.

I probably won’t be having my teeth done till next year and I hope to hell they hold out till then. So far, so good and that upper right wisdom tooth hasn’t been bothering me.

I just asked Tom if he wanted me to make his second sandwich and he insisted he’ll make it. I wonder why? Probably so he cannot close the breadboard all the way. He knows that gets on my nerves. I like cabinets, drawers, etc., shut tight. It looks better that way. But, like I’ve said before, he likes for me to tidy up after him.

I might start another story today. I don’t know. I have to be in the right mood and frame of mind for that.

I called AOL but had no messages from Alex.

Andy said that Michelle said that that’s very normal to have to wait this long for Gloria’s fan club stuff. She’s waited 2-4 years for different fan clubs herself and hasn’t always gotten everything they were supposed to send her. It’s been over a year now if I remember correctly. I’m just curious to see what they’re gonna send. Maybe I’ll know in another year.

Before I go listen to music, what was Tom’s excuse this morning? Just that he had to hurry up and get his day started. It’s just now 6:00 and he doesn’t have to leave till 7:30. This game of his is getting really old. Sometimes I just want to come out and say, “No sex if you’re not gonna do it right.” This is really getting to be quite insulting as used to it as I am and as much as I know that this is how it’ll always be.

Later...

Tom shut the breadboard, so I guess he just wanted to move around more to wake himself up more and that’s why he made his sandwich. Anyway, he’s in the shower now.

I mentioned how we’ll have Saturday and Monday together, and he said yes, we will, and all the time in between. I thought he was then gonna come out and say that he wasn’t doing Eldon’s computer work till the 5th, but he didn’t. I guess he must’ve talked to Eldon and they kept it for this Sunday.

At this time 8 years ago Jenny came over to make us that toast and coffee. I can remember the feeling too, of how I felt so groggy from all the medication I was on. I was on a high dose of Navane still at that time.

I’m calling the weather line now to see what they have to say. The current temperature is 54º. It’s to be in the upper 80s for the next two days, they say.

Time to go feed the birds as I’m sure they’re waiting upon the electrical lines for their birdseed.

Later...

Same routine. They were up on the lines and as soon as I came back in after putting their food out, they dove for it. About 60 birds are going at it out there.

Later...

All the food is gone and so are the birds. However, they hang out there on and off all day looking for seeds that have fallen to the ground from trees.

I am so very, very upset now. Perhaps I’m more upset and confused than I ever have been before. I’m so overwhelmed with things to write about now, that I’m not sure where to begin. I’ll begin at the beginning, I guess, and try to remember everything I want to say. They say that if something’s too good to be true, it probably isn’t. Well, now I fear that my husband who’s what most women dream of may be lying all the more about not wanting a kid.

First of all, why did he tell me that therapy sessions cost hundreds of dollars unless you’re on medication? I called and asked them and they said it’s a $10 co-payment just like regular doctor’s visits.

Anyway, I called and ask a nurse again to see if I’d get a different nurse and to see what their theory was about our sex life. It was a different nurse, alright, and I certainly didn’t want to hear what she had to say about it, but I had to hear it at the same time.

Now I just don’t know who to believe anymore. My husband or this professional who says she’s been through it herself.

Let me tell you what she told me she went through first. She said she was with a guy who she thought would never lie to her and who was great all around. He said he wanted a kid just like she did. Not only couldn’t he get off, but he couldn’t get hard, either. Finally, he let go once, she got pregnant and he split.

Now how do you suppose this is supposed to make me feel, even though this might not happen to all of us? It happens to most women and she too, never thought he’d leave any more than I think Tom would leave if I were pregnant.

She told me all her theories about it which are just what I’ve wondered about. When I asked her if I could be right since I’ve had this nagging feeling about him not wanting a child, she said that they say those gut instincts are usually correct.

She said that he could knowingly not want a child, but is saying he does cuz he knows it’s what I want.

When I think back on it I remember how he told me up front he really was doubtful of wanting a child. Then the more he could see that I wanted one, he began to go along with it.

Maybe he’s tried and is trying in his own subtle little ways to tell me he doesn’t want one cuz he doesn’t have the heart to tell me bluntly, even though he swears he would and that’s what I would need and want him to do.

But when I think back on comments he’s made like, “What are you gonna do? Go out and cheat on me?” after I said I was gonna do all I could do to get us that child we say we want. And, “All that’s standing in the way of going back east is money.” Like he knows I won’t be pregnant. And when I’ve confronted him with such comments he either insists I misunderstood him or doesn’t remember saying whatever.

She also said that there could be other factors he’s thinking like, would I be a good father? Can we afford it?

I know he doesn’t like anything to get in the way of our time together.

She also said he could have a subconscious fear or stress about it that even he isn’t aware of.

I told her that I’m trying my best to not pressure him about it and she said she felt that while she could understand that, at the same time that shouldn’t interfere with a guy functioning sexually unless they do have a fear that they either know or don’t know about.

What she says makes sense, but I just don’t know who to believe. I want to believe my husband, but it’s getting harder to do.

She too, can’t understand how he can be happy with our sex life the way it is and believes he’s probably relieving himself in the bathroom or wherever.

She told me, “I don’t know him, I can’t see into his eyes or hear his voice or know everything about you two, but I don’t think this will go away on its own, although I hope I’m wrong.”

When I told her about our agreement for April of ‘97 she asked how can he know that everything will be OK by then? I told her he said he wouldn’t bet his life on anything but feels that things are getting better and that anytime from now till then, we should be able to have a kid ourselves with no problems. She said she thought that due to it being more than likely to not go away on its own that we should see a counselor, or even just me by myself if he won’t go. She thinks that that can very well help us to enable ourselves to have a kid on our own even better.

She told me she didn’t think the problem was me and asked me if I thought the problem was me. I told her sometimes I think that, but mostly I think it’s his fear that’s the problem.

I believe that therapy could help us both too, and that if it didn’t it couldn’t hurt, but I’m so afraid to bring it up to him. I really don’t think a kid is worth his taking the time out to go to a therapist and I really think it’s more important to spare his embarrassment, rather than to get help having a kid. At least that’s what I think he feels. How can I let him know that I just want to do all I can to help us? How can I let him know that I just want to do all I can to help us get the things we want? How can I let him know this without him feeling I’m trying to attack him or fight with him? How do I tell him it’s OK to see a therapist and do the things that I suggest will help us as well as the things he suggests will help us? How do I tell him he doesn’t have to be ashamed or embarrassed to talk to a professional who just wants to help us too, if that’s how he truly feels?

She said that if I don’t do anything about it and it doesn’t get better, then I’ll never have a child and I’ll be giving up something that I want to make him happy. But I want to make him happy. I don’t want to force him to do anything he doesn’t want to do. I’d rather spend my life with him with no kid, than with someone else with a kid, but how do we find a way to compromise?

We both say we want a kid and that now’s a good time, so why don’t we start doing whatever it’ll take now? Why must we wait? Why can’t we go to a therapist to achieve one of two things: either him being able to admit he doesn’t want one or us taking action towards having a kid if it’s what we both want?

Why must we wait or stall and why do I have a feeling that in April of ‘97 if things do stay the same as I fear, yet believe they will that he’ll do all he can to stall or avoid the doctors?

How do I know he isn’t truly playing with my head on just this issue and having a blast doing it? How do I know that something bad or hurtful didn’t happen in his past? What if he had a kid with someone else? He does seem to know an awful lot about kids. Can he really learn all this just by what others say? I suppose he can, but I just want to know who to believe! Can anyone help us? Please, God, I don’t want to go on like this, but I don’t want to lose my husband either.

What do I do?

He said if I took the injection he’d feel spited, yet I feel spited by this. I just need to know the truth, no matter what it is. I need to know he’ll do all he can do to help us and I want to do all I can do to help us.

I want to believe in him and trust him with this as I do with everything else he tells me.

And by the way, this nurse says the opposite of that injection. She says some women have very heavy and irregular periods with it. Forget it.

I just don’t know what to do. I know that if I hold it in, it’ll keep the peace between us, but it may not ever help us to not deal with it and face it and get help with it. Especially if he has a fear he won’t confess to and all the more especially if he’s got something going on psychologically that he’s unaware of. I just want to help him. I just want to help us. How can I let him lovingly know this? I don’t want to hurt, change or fight with him. I just want this problem resolved. Not in a year and a half or 2 or 5 or 10, but now. We’ve lived like this long enough and I would want it resolved even if we both admitted to never wanting a child, cuz I love my husband and I care about us both enough to want us to have a normal and happy life in and out of bed.

I still can’t think of the best thing to do. A part of me wants to just try to forget it and never bring it up again. Not even if he doesn’t bring up going to see a doctor when April of ‘97 comes. The other part of me wants to say to him, “Hey, look. I love you and this is why I’m doing this. I just want to help us and I’m sorry if that gets you upset in any way or if you think I’m trying to pick on you.”

Sometimes I feel like we both don’t believe each other.

There is another thing that I didn’t mention that could possibly be going through Tom’s head whether he knows it or not that he could fear. I really doubt he’s worried he’d be a good father. I know he’d be a good father and I asked him if he thought he would be and he said yes. Perhaps he fears that I’d be a bad mother, but doesn’t want to admit that to me. Or maybe it’s nagging at his subconscious.

Anyway, I feel trapped with this just like I do with the cigarettes. I have different ideas that go through my head to try to achieve my goals or help us achieve something we want, only to fail at whatever I try or to be unable to do what ideas I have.

Why is it that my life has been full of one long-term issue after another to have to deal with? Why do I always have to be facing situations that are unusual or that just have me feeling so helpless? I feel like I’ve got a million different choices I could make and I just don’t know where to turn.

Tom said he wants to do more of what he wants and that he feels controlled. Well, I feel like I should be doing more of what he wants, to hell with my needs, wants and desires and I feel controlled, too. I feel like I have to sacrifice something I want very much to make him happy. If that’s what I must do, I can and will do it, but I’d need to know this. I’m tired of wondering, guessing and being suspicious. I don’t want my head played with. I don’t want to be hurt and I certainly don’t want to hurt Tom or play with his head.

In a way I wish I never called this woman cuz I fear so much that she could be right. I hope she’s not, but I can’t help what my gut’s been telling me and my gut’s been pretty accurate when it comes to the more serious or personal issues that this is what makes it all the scarier.

Should I forget all about it, assume Tom doesn’t want a kid by what his actions have shown and insist we use rubbers?

Or should I insist that we do all we can do to help us ASAP? Even if it does mean both of us or one of us (believe me I prefer it to a team thing, though) going to someone and spilling it out to them? Like I said before, if it doesn’t help us, how can it hurt us? I guess that the worst that could happen is that one or both of us don’t like or agree with what the counselor could say. Or we could both like and agree with what they could say, but it doesn’t help us at all. Would seeing a counselor really help to ensure that we could have a child on our own without going to see a doctor?

I’m so afraid to bring this up with Tom. To him, his weekend will be ruined if I do. Why does he have to see it that way, though? I thought that it’s natural for two people who want the same thing to discuss stuff like this and talk about doing whatever it took and talk about the things they like or are interested in all they want. I mention the singing to him constantly and it doesn’t bother him. We’ve discussed all kinds of things that the two of us could do to try to make the business take off as well as to get me known as the singer I’ve always wanted to be and it’s never seemed to upset him in any way. I swear I could talk about the singing triple the amount of time I talk about the kid and it wouldn’t upset him. If I ask him if there’s something he could please do to help with the singing, he does it. He puts his actions where his mouth is. What’s the difference? He knows they both mean a lot to me. He’s always told me that my being happy is very important to him and I want so very much to believe that.

Should I ask him to try praying with me? I just hope that some kind of help comes to resolve this real soon cuz I’m stuck!!

Later...

At this point and for the rest of the day, I’m just taking it easy. I cried in between typing the pages about the shit that’s going on so I do feel a bit better even though the problem won’t go away. I guess there’s no real point in talking to Tom. I can’t get him to budge on this subject and it makes me ask myself, do I really want a child for a whole different reason? Do I want to make this guy do something he very, very very obviously doesn’t want to do? No. Do I want to have a child and have him say how much he’s looking forward to it just to leave me? No. People are full of surprises and it’s a chance I’d rather not take, regardless of how slim it may be, so there’s no point in talking to him or my doing anything so we can have a baby.

Speaking of Sarah herself, I got a letter from her yesterday. A 4-page letter. She said she’ll write more soon enough. It was good to hear from her. She says she’s still hitting it off with this guy Tim and that my artwork was great. She also says she’s gonna be sending me a picture of her soon. I just typed her a 2½-page letter which I’ll mail out today.

Also, I got to talk to Kim a half-hour ago who’s leaving for Boston at 9:30 her time and is supposed to be under for surgery at 1 PM her time. The operation’s supposed to last an hour to an hour and a half. She’s to leave the hospital tomorrow morning. She says this one’s supposed to be more painful. That sucks. The last one was painful enough from what she described to me.

Karson called Andy too, but he’s gonna ignore her too.

Later...

I just got done listening to music and in half an hour I’ll be waking Tom up if he isn’t up before that.

That’s all that’s going on at the moment, so I’ll go and work some more on 99.

Later...

I just got Tom up and he’s now eating the spag I made yesterday.

He’s insisting that it’s not cold in here, but yes, it is. He fired up the back room wall heater.

He said he was bummed that he had to go do some electrical work for Evelyn this Saturday cuz that’s supposed to be our day. He says he doesn’t like anything getting in the way of our time. That’s part of God’s plan, I reminded him, and that tells me that I was right on one of the many reasons I thought he could have for not wanting a kid. That kid would certainly get in the way of our time. Believe me, though, I don’t like that idea, either. I asked him why he didn’t say no, and he said it’s cuz we need the money even though it’s only gonna be about $10 and it’ll only take an hour.

I asked him again if he’s sure he doesn’t want me to work this winter. Money will be tight till the end of the year and he said no cuz we’ve got plans to sell programs and get me singing. Let’s hope so. I do not want a child this broke and I told him so. He says it’ll only be for a few months and that a kid takes 9 months to arrive, but you know where I stand with that. I know love is more important, but I still want us to be able to support it properly.

Oh, my God, I do not believe it. Tom just said that I should try not to be up when he gets home. Then after I’ve slept a few hours and he’s eaten and digested his food, he’ll wake me up for fun. That’d be cool, then all I have to do is hope I get to bed soon after so my schedule is not fouled up for the weekend.

I’ll have to tell Tom since his waking me up for it is new, that I may not act too into it, but I will be and that’s a perfect time for sex to be “just for him.” Also, with a few minutes of getting a back rub afterward, I may fall back asleep better, then I’ll spoil him this weekend.

Later...

I just let Tom know what I just said in the paragraph up above and he said, “I’m not saying what I will or won’t do. I just want to spend some time with you and please don’t make it into something I don’t want to do.”

I forgot. That’s right. He likes spontaneity. Well, there won’t be sex then, since I mentioned it. That’s OK. I enjoy it more when I’m awake.

I’m making a TV dinner now since I’m 104 pounds. I realized I had two choices. To either starve or to give up. Right now I’m giving up, but I’ll tell you what Tom had to say about it later.

Later...

I just ate the TV dinner and after I finish the cigarette I’m smoking, I’m gonna go listen to music.

Tom reminded me of how my weight fluctuated when I first lost all that weight 10 years ago and says that’s normal.

Kim just left for Boston and she’ll get there right before 11 AM. She’s driving her car with her mother who’ll drive her car back to South Deerfield. Then, her aunt, who has to go through Boston anyway, will bring her to her mom’s house in South Deerfield tomorrow. Then Kim will take her car from her mom’s place back to her apartment which is only a mile away. I hope she’ll be well enough to drive even a mile.

Bob’s gonna be going nuts cuz she told him not to write to her till she returns and he hears from her just like the last time. I know she doesn’t want her mother or her grandmother to know she’s associated with Bob due to getting hit with questions, but according to her, it’s her neighbor who picks up her mail. Remember, though, it’s a small town where everyone knows everyone else’s business, so that’s probably why.

I just listened to music and now Tom’s in the shower. He’ll be taking off for work in just under an hour. Then, I’ll probably start some singing, but right now I’ll go feed the birds. Actually, I’m gonna take a shower as soon as he leaves, cuz I’m a grub and I need to shave and wash my hair.

Later...

I thought to myself as I just opened the door, are the birds there yet? Sure enough, they were all waiting on the electrical lines, so I just ran out and fed them. It’s freezing! It will be for the next few hours. Wow! There are nearly 20 pigeons out there as well as about 40 little birds. There are more pigeons and little birds that I saw waiting up on the lines. They must have several places where they sit and watch for when I come out. It’s amazing how they seem to know my schedule. They’re always out there, no matter what time of day I go out there for the first time unless it’s at night. It’s cool to see the pigeons stand on the wall that divides the pool and the Jacuzzi while they get drinks.

I was gonna print out calendars for 1996, but I’ll wait till we get closer to the end of the year and see how many regular calendars we get, so I don’t bother with making extra copies that’ll just be wasted.

Later...

Got a phone call from a lady at the credit union about the mortgage payment. She says the October 8th payment is past due. I left Tom a home memo so he can take care of it and I’m sure he will. I also let him know that I tried to make an appointment to see Dr. Rugg on November 9th which is a Thursday, but she doesn’t work on Thursdays, so I was told to call back on November 3rd and that I could make an appointment for the 10th. Let’s hope so. I need to get it over with and it’s not that often that Tom will have a weekday off.

Lastly, I let him know of Andy’s request. He said that more than likely he won’t need this but he needs to give the dentist a post-dated check for $140. He wants to know if we could write the check out and he’ll give us the cash for it. I told him there should be no problem if he needs us to do that and will mention it to Tom.

Andy and I chatted about different things. I read him Sarah’s letter and he told me about a dream he had. He said he knew it was him looking into the future. He said he saw a guy that was about 24-25 years old wearing a black button-down shirt with a pocket in the front. He couldn’t tell much else about him, but he said that something was telling him that this was Mr. Right. It said to look for this guy when he’s at the bar which he goes to on Tuesday nights and to approach this guy cuz the guy is interested but is too shy. Well, he went to the bar last Tuesday night, but he didn’t see anyone like that. Just a guy with that type of shirt that was dark gray, but he said that this guy was not at all interested. We’ll just have to wait and see what happens.

So, Karson’s left me two messages and him 4. He said that once a month or so we can call her and rank on her and tape it. Meanwhile, she can call us all she wants in between cuz we won’t talk to her. Maybe. I reminded Andy, though, that we’ll just have to enjoy the conversations, though, till I get a new dual tape deck (if I can get one that I can edit on) cuz mine’s dead.

I just weighed in at 102, so maybe I was full of water. I swear I’ve peed 4 times in the last hour and a half.

I also talked to Tammy and got some great news from her, finally. There’s this elderly woman with cancer and her daughter hired her to care for this woman Monday - Friday From 9 AM - 3 PM for $9 an hour under the table. That’s great and the kids are at the perfect age where she can do that. She said with her luck, though, the woman will die. This is great for her, though. She’s been cursed long enough.

I got the dishes done, but don’t feel like doing the bathroom or the vacuuming, so I’ll make sure I jump on it tomorrow.

I started the CD and it went from track 10 to track 7. It’s so neat.

Well, I guess I’ll go start letters to my family. I feel like I’m forgetting to mention something, but I can’t think of it. Oh well.

The American Lung Association sent these Christmas seals kids designed. There’s one for all 50 states, including the District of Columbia and Puerto Rico. Idaho’s the best and it won, too. So, I’ll use them as date separators, but not in Journal 100.

I just pulled out my first journal and like I’ve said before - what a shitty writer I was. I checked to see if I wrote the time down that I began writing, but I never mentioned much about time till 3 days later. I probably began between 11 AM-noon judging by how long Jenny was probably there who I said came over at 9:30, then to get to the mall, etc.

I never even mentioned who Jenny, Kevin, Nellie and Mattie were for God knows how long. Yes, it just might be a good idea to “recap” my life. I believe that at some point in South Deerfield, I did write about people I’ve known in more detail. I went back and explained how, where, and when I met a certain person. How long I knew them, and if they were good or bad.

Wow. This is the longest period I’ve had all year. I’m not flowing heavily, but I’m not just spotting, either. Hopefully, it’ll bring some of the bloating down. The weird thing about my stomach, though, is that as bloated as it is it’s hard. It must be gas.

Anyway, I’m gonna take a nice hot relaxing bath. Tom turned up the water temp yesterday morning before he went to work.

Later...

OK, now I feel better and the water was perfect.

Guess who left a message at 4:00 yesterday afternoon and at midnight? None other than Karson herself. I left Andy a message letting him know that it’s his right to be friends with her, but not to call me with her on the line. Also, if she calls and I answer, I’ll just hang up and I’ll have Tom do the same as well. She’s got a new number that’s obviously local, but I’m not sure if it’s still in Mesa or where the hell it is. I don’t know what her situation is or why she took so long to call us. I’m sure she called Andy, too.

I can’t believe Fran’s only called once in this last year, but what about the occasional hang-ups we get? Could they be Fran or Nervous? I wouldn’t be too surprised if they were.

Later...

Yes! I’m down to 100 lbs. Thank God for giving me the ability to lose weight. Just maybe I could lose the 30-50 lbs. I’d need to if the ½% chance happens that we do have a kid. That’s more like a 0% chance, but it’s nice to know that even in this day and age I can do it. I asked Tom if he thought I could lose a lot of weight if I had to even though I’m 30 and not 19 and he said yes. And I don’t need to and didn’t starve, either.

Remember how I said Tom has all kinds of reasons for not wanting a kid now? All kinds of big and little reasons? He probably wants me to be able to wear and enjoy the jeans I got at the end of last winter. So do I. I even asked him last summer if I’d be able to fit into them this winter and he said yes. Now, just how would he know that? Gee, I really wonder! He’s the type who’ll always find reasons to wait on the kid. It’s an easy thing to do, though, so I understand.

If he’s not up by 5:00 I’ll wake him up.

Knowing he won’t hit me for sex this morning is fine, as this is the time I’m the least horny. Plus, he likes to go down on me more than to screw and even if my period was completely over, that crotch cream won’t be too tasty. I only have two more days to go on that.

Oh, my God! Journal 100 is only 3½ pages away. It’s so hard to believe. It’s amazing how I went to the Enfield Mall that day with only a few dollars to my name. A few dollars I should’ve saved for food, but I bought my first journal instead. From there I just never looked back. I just couldn’t stop writing. According to my journal chart, the age I was where I wrote the most was 28. I wrote the least from September 17, 1989 - October 30, 1990.

I just got the computer going and I brought up 100 which has been thoroughly tested. All the margins look fine. I’ll probably change fonts every 4 pages seeing how I counted 186 pages and there are 45 fonts I’ll be using. I’ll also probably print out sections at a time, but I won’t put them into the spiral till I’m all done.

Later...

Tom’s eating now and is psyched for the suspenseful countdown to journal 100 as I am!

I told him I weigh 100 and asked him if I looked better. He said no, but that I still always look good.

When I called my parents yesterday, Dad answered and I began saying I was Special Agent S and that I know he was on America’s Most Wanted. He laughed at that. I told him what Larry said when we spoke last week.

Tomorrow Kim will be having surgery in Boston, the poor girl. I know she’ll be there overnight, but I forgot if she said she’d arrive there tonight or tomorrow morning. I assume she’d go there tomorrow morning and leave the next morning with her mother.

No mail from Alex on AOL this morning, but am I ever gonna get anything from Gloria’s fan club?! I wish I had their address which was dumb of me not to save so I could write to them and tell them to forget it and send the money back.

Well, now it’s time to say goodbye to the double digits! My God, I can’t believe I got here! I actually made it to journal 100!!!!!!!!!

Later...

Well, here I am! I’m actually in journal 100! Tom says he thinks that when I’m 36 or 37 I’ll hit journal 200. We’ll see. After I finish this journal and after I print it out, I’ll probably zing back to a regular page setup just like all my other typed versions of my journals. Boy, this is so much faster and easier. It kind of makes me want to do all my journals this way. I love the computer’s little digital clock down below, too. It’s easier to deal with, rather than the big wall clock that I’ve got in the music room. I’m practically saving my stuff by sentences instead of paragraphs since I’m not copying this out of a journal. I’d hate to have worded a long paragraph perfectly only to have the computer crash on me right as I go to save it.

This weekend Tom’s gonna fire up the wall heater out here in the back room. For now, I’ve got the little portable heater out here and it’s not very effective. In a couple of weeks or so, since we’ll probably have a warm spell, according to Tom, we’ll fire up the living room one. The back room gets the coldest cuz it’s the biggest and it’s an end room. The music room is the smallest, for example, and it’s in between the back room and the master bedroom.

I’m still not sure whether or not I’ll start another story. Probably one of these days soon enough. I’m not sure what it’ll be about.

Anyway, today I’ll probably do some singing and maybe clean the bathroom. I’ll try to force myself to do some dusting and vacuuming, too.

I may try to get ahold of Kim today so I can ask her when she’s taking off for the hospital and what time she’ll be operated on and when she’ll be leaving the hospital.

Wait till I tell Andy that I’m now on 100. I’m sure he’ll be quite pleased to hear that. I’ll also let my parents, Tammy, Kim, Bob and Alex know, too.

I’m debating on whether or not I should discuss different parts of my life more thoroughly in this journal. Of course, I’d interrupt it with current events. Let's see…where would I begin? If this were my very first journal, I’d start off with: My name is Jodi Lin S and I am 29 years old. I was born on December 4, 1965. Then I’d go on to say some of the things I like as well as dislike. I certainly wouldn’t start off the way I did in my first book. I’d also put the time and the year. All I put in was the day and date. Later I added the year.

I wish I could think of more to type about right now, but I really can’t at the moment, so I think I’ll go listen to music for a while. Then I’ll be back later to gab about whatever comes to mind.

Later...

Tom’s getting ready to leave for work. Right now he’s taking a dump, then he’s gotta comb his hair.

I just fed the pigeons and all the other birds we get here. They’re sure a funny sight to watch. Every time I go out there for the first time that day, at whatever time I do, they’re waiting on the electrical lines. Then I feed them and they devour it up in no time. They’re like Piggy. Tom just saw how the pigeons were climbing over each other to get at the food just now.

Today I’m gonna dust, then tomorrow I’ll do the bathroom, then on Friday, I’ll do the vacuuming. That way I space it out.

Tom just left for work and now I think I’ll go do some singing.

Later...

I did some singing and I dusted the place. I don’t know what I’m gonna do right now. Maybe I’ll watch TV. The only thing on now is talk shows, though, and I don’t care to listen to pregnant 14-year-olds. I don’t feel like cleaning the bathroom or vacuuming either so I think I’ll go start cooking Tom some spag.

I’m pissed, by the way. I’m back to 102 pounds.

Later...

OK, I’ve got the spag cooking.

I can’t believe how cold it’s gotten so fast. It doesn’t warm up till the sun comes up. No more pool for sure this year!

I hope this Saturday and next Monday are fun for Tom and I. He reminded me this morning that those will be our days and he’ll be off those days. No doing what we need to do on those days, only what we want. I’d like to think that he’ll cum, but that wouldn’t be doing what he wants.

Sunday he’ll be working on Eldon’s computer for about 6 hours. Eldon’s giving him a VCR which we’ll use in the bedroom in place of the one that’s there cuz the one that’s there is shittier.

Let me go check the spag and stir it.

Holy fucking shit, no! How the fuck can I be 103? What the fuck did I do? I didn’t eat hardly shit. I ain’t eating till before bed. I have to eat before bed cuz I can’t fall asleep with a stomach growling with hunger. I’m pissed, though. Real fucking pissed!

Let me go stir the spag for the second time.

Now the scale says 102. This scale sure does fluctuate. Tom reminded me that that’s what scales do. Yeah, I know, but I wish they didn’t do that.

Well, I’m gonna go check out just what the topic of discussion is on the talk shows.

Later...

I just broke down and had some spag, but I’m sure that if I only have a milkshake and a granola bar before bed I’ll be OK.

The two talk show subjects were hooker moms and violent teens. No thanks.

It’s still a bummer, I guess, that I can’t sense Robin as I used to. Also, I’ll never be able to get Tom to do any real research as to how to find information about her, but I told you so.

He shocked me by saying how he was eager to do more back room work. We’ll see.

It’d be nice to have the use of my drawing table back. I just wish I could draw well enough to really enjoy using it. It’d be nice to go from doing a really good drawing every 20 drawings I do to every 10 drawings I do. I do admit, though, to not practicing nearly enough to get much better.

I left Andy a message and let him know that I hit journal 100. I also tried calling Kim but got her machine. I didn’t leave a message, though.

Did I mention finishing my medley? Next, I’ll do stuff of Gloria’s and Linda’s. I kind of want to fill both sides of the tape. That way there’s stuff I can listen to at any point in the tape if I want to listen to it. Something like that will also be good for when the new kids and dogs arrive next door. Especially if I want any peace in that room. You can hear the most from that room cuz it’s the closest room to them that hasn’t got the soundproofing stuff in it and you can hear out front towards their driveway just fine if they’re playing basketball. I noticed something weird about the basketball hoop. The thing looks like it’s been turned. I don’t know who would turn it and why, but the angle of it does seem different.

Later...

It’s getting to the point where it’s the same temperature outside as it is inside. It’s warmer in direct sunlight. Anyway, in another couple of hours, I’ll vent this place with the EC to bring in warmer air. It’s chilly in here. I mean, I have my socks on.

More talk shows are coming on, so I’ll go see what they’re all about.

Later...

It’s 8º warmer outside than it is in here, but when I ran the EC it didn’t warm it up at all.

I just did some more singing and I watched some more TV. Right now, I don’t know what I’m gonna do. I’m having one of those days where for the most part I’m bored. There are things I could do but I just don’t feel like doing them, so I’ll just be lazy for today.

What will I get in the mail today? Anything exciting? I hope to hear from Sarah sometime soon. It’s been a while and it’s her turn to write.

Well, I may as well go type up more of 99 now.

Later...

This is so cool. A new thing came with Windows 95 for the CD player. You can play CDs in either the order of the songs that are on the CD or in random order. I’m playing an old Gloria CD and first it played track 1, then track 7.

I was just working on 99 and it’s so cool how if I’ve got something I want to mention, I can just pull this journal up over it. All I have to do is click the file menu, then close this and journal 99 will be there where I left it.

Someone just called but I dropped the phone and disconnected them. It’s too early for Andy to be up, so it may have been a wrong number, some sales idiot or wacky Karson.

Now what track is it gonna play? I don’t hear anything right now. What happened?

I just restarted it in random order. The thing also has continuous play as well as the first 10 seconds of each song. Who would want to hear only the first 10 seconds of each song? It’s cool, anyway. At the bottom of the screen are little bars that list when you’ve got activated. The CD player is listed as well as the volume control. Tom plays the TV as loud as I do, but you have to have bionic ears to hear the music he plays.

Anyway, all you have to do is click on the bar of the item you want to do something with, then you can either put it back down there out of the way of what you’re doing or close it.

It just got done playing track 5 and now it’s playing track 8. It’s a neat surprise. I never know which song of hers on this CD will play next.

Why the hell am I so hungry today? I feel like I just want to gorge, but if I don’t do what I’m doing I won’t be able to eat all I want and not worry about it like I’ve been able to do these last 10 years. I probably still do have absolutely nothing to worry about, but I’m not gonna take that chance.

Now it’s playing track 4 which is ending, so, what will it play next? Track 10.

OK, now I’m really fucking mad! How the fuck can I weigh 104?! What the fuck am I doing wrong? Fuck it! I’m just gonna go pig out, then I’ll starve myself for sure. It seems that no matter if I exercise or what the fuck I eat I’m just not meant to have a flat tummy. I mean, I know it’s in my stomach. I could feel it just suddenly bloat out. What the fuck’s making it do that? I’m not constipated. I don’t feel gassy. My period is just about over. I’m not pregnant, so why? Why? Why? Why? Why?

Here’s track 9 now. Anyway, I’ll be back later after I pig out. Fuck my weight!

Later...

I just turned the EC on again to see if it’ll warm this place up. It’s definitely warmer outside.

Now it’s playing track 2.

Anyway, I think I’m done typing for the day and I’m gonna have some coffee and wind down. In another hour or two, I’ll be crashing. I still have plenty of time to make my schedule in a way that I can be up all day this Saturday. I’ll be letting Tom know when I’m mid-cycle every month. I want to see how long certain patterns go on. Of course, though, I’ll fib by a day or two.