I’ll have to ask Tom to turn up the thermostat on the water tank. I can’t get the water for baths or showers hot enough since it’s cooled down.

When I went out yesterday morning to feed the birds as the sun was coming up, it was freezing.

Andy sure has a big crowd at his place. I just called and right away he said he couldn’t talk, but thanked me for calling. So, I left him a message. At least he’s in a good mood and will probably call at some point during the night.

I’ve decided to use the remaining 12 pages in 91 to chart my asthma. Remember how I said I was using the peak flow meter? Well, Tom made a graphics chart so we can do it on the computer, too. I’m supposed to be at 415. I mean, that’s the best for a female my size, but I’m usually around 350.

Got mail from Kim today. A quick letter from her with 6 Bob letters. Nothing new or funny from Bob. Gonna go see if I got any email from Alex and maybe watch some TV. I should polish my nails, too.

Later...

I haven’t finished the medley yet, but I probably will during the night. I’m starting with a variety of artists, then I’ll do Gloria and Linda’s stuff.

Wow! Only 26 pages away from journal 100.

Jesus Christ! Remember how I had my upper or lower (I can’t remember which) wisdom tooth pop up or down for a day or two? Now my upper one is popping outward to the front right in the gum line.

I guess I don’t have to wake Tom up at 5:00, seeing that he just got up.

I still haven’t fired up the computer yet, so I think I’ll go do that.

Later...

I did some typing and some singing and worked some more on the medley.

Yup, the M’s moved out of state. Information only had one Dean M just outside Phoenix, but it was non-published. It could still be them, though, cuz if they’re hiding from anything or anyone, they may want a non-published number. If they moved to Idaho, he may be staying back with a friend or relative till the house sells. Tom says it’s not necessary to stay back till it sells, but who knows just what those weirdoes do?

Andy called this morning doing what he does best – discussing his problems with others. He had a fight with Pam. She supposedly scammed him by selling him shitty weed.

Still hanging in at 102. Of course, it’s best to lose weight slowly, so by mid-November I’d like to be 100. Perhaps 98 by my birthday.

Out of all the times it’s been easier to deal with never having a kid, this has been the best. I’ll probably always write about it and year after year I’ll probably always write about Tom’s not cumming and how he always says he will cum soon, then make excuses for why he didn’t, but at least I don’t feel like I’m gonna freak out, get all emotional and burst into tears. I guess I’ve just learned from past experiences not to fight what is or isn’t in the cards for me and to just accept whatever can and cannot be. Fighting for the ideal woman all those years which wasn’t meant to be and I knew wasn’t meant to be sure was exhausting. I don’t miss those exhausting, upsetting, and frustrating fights. It’s too soon to say how I’ll feel about fighting it out in a doctor’s office in ‘97, though.

Anyway, I’m a bit bored right now. I don’t really feel like doing any of the things I could do, like dust or vacuum. I’m not awake enough for that.

Also, speaking of fighting, I still can’t get up the nerve to pray to God cuz I’m not sure if it’s worth it with some of the shit that goes on in this world. The worst He can do is make sure we really never get any of the things we want, but what if He gets mad and makes shit go wrong? For example, Tom says that in God’s eyes, our having a child is morally correct. But how can He? If He really thought this, Tom wouldn’t be the way he is and we’d have one. I believe God considers it a definite no-no for me/us and in being persistent for one, I’m afraid of something happening. I feel like I’m asking for something that God’s shown me to be a very obvious no-no, not meant for me at all. Is it really bad or harmful to pray for something God won’t ever allow you to have? What do I do? Should I dare even take a chance?

I wish I could feel Robin more. I wish we could communicate more about more things.

How can I at least ensure myself that I’ll deal with it better and better with time and that I won’t return to constantly being hysterical about never having a kid? How can I get my husband to admit to his games and his never wanting a child? How can I ever get and keep a normal sleeping schedule? How can I ever quit smoking forever? My life could’ve been perfect if it weren’t for these things. Wouldn’t my life be perfect now if it weren’t for these 4 issues as well as the singing? Or would I have other problems instead to deal with? Would I just wish I could do or have other things instead? I wonder. At least it’s better than all the problems I used to have and there are a lot of people out there with a hell of a lot more and worse problems than I’ve got. Believe me, I know I really truly am very blessed. I understand that no one gets all they want. I know that’s not realistic, practical, possible or logical for anyone to get every single thing they want.

Later...

Oh, my God! I absolutely don’t believe it! My mother quit smoking 3 weeks ago. I would’ve bet my life that she’d never quit. She was as sure that she could never quit as I am that I can’t. I asked her if it really is swapping one misery for another and she said she thinks of smoking a lot, but it won’t be forever. She said she got really sick, had to go to the hospital, and then she gave the doctor her cigarettes and that was it. She went out and got a needlepoint kit to keep her hands busy.

I said we all have our weaknesses and strengths and that right now my weakness was not being able to quit smoking. Who knows, I told her, me and others thought I couldn’t do other things I’ve done, so maybe someday, and her answer was - that’s right. Anyway, I’m really happy for her.

Dad was bummed about how America’s Funniest Videos only played the tape for 10 seconds when he had 9 minutes of it and he thought the winners weren’t funny. I agree, but life isn’t fair. It’s sort of like the way the lottery works. You win if you already have money. You don’t win if you don’t have money.

I talked with Tammy too, who says all’s well.

Later...

I’m only gonna jot down a few things, then it’s off to bed cuz I’m beat.

I don’t understand. I’ve had a full period which still hasn’t completely stopped, I’m not constipated, I’ve hardly eaten, yet I’m still quite bloated.

I was sitting outside and it was so peacefully quiet. It’s great not to want to go out there, but worry that their dogs or kids will ruin the peace. Now I can concentrate on writing out there, doing word search puzzles, etc. I know, though, that it won’t last forever and that the noise will be back. I’m so lucky that no one’s moved in yet. I really thought that house would sell right away. For every quiet and peaceful day that goes by, I fear that all the more I will be severely compensated. If only I knew Robin wasn’t a hoax and that her spirit was real for sure and that she was right when she told me I have nothing to worry about. It would take some stress and worry off of me. Meanwhile, there’s no need for me to worry till the kids and dogs get there. Then I’ll deal with it. For now, I’ll just enjoy the peace till it’s shattered. I should’ve saved on the computer the letter I sent the M’s. I would have if I’d known they were gonna move since I’m gonna need it eventually.

For a while there it looked like I may hit 100 on the 8th anniversary of these journals, or writing I mean, but I guess I could hit 100 as soon as tomorrow.