I just had myself quite a scare. I was in the music room listening to old conversations with the crisis center. Luckily, I had the lights on when I saw a humongous sewer roach that was nearly 3 inches long. I ran and grabbed the can of Raid and the fucker wouldn’t die, but I eventually managed to slow it down, and then swat it with the fly swatter. Now that room stinks and I’m avoiding going in there for a while. I’m glad I didn’t find this thing in the winter cuz I’d have to air out the fumes of the Raid and it’d be freezing in here.

Yesterday morning we did do missionary position, but only for a few minutes again for two reasons. One of the reasons, I believe, is his wait and do things slowly and his instill-patience-in-Jodi obsession. The other is that now his legs are sore. He said that due to his shoulders feeling better, he notices his legs now. Earlier, though, he said he was almost healed all over. There’ll be something else now. This position does appear to make it easier for him and he does seem more into it, so that’s also probably why he’ll never want to do it for too long. He’ll probably have a much harder time holding back if this is truly what he’s doing and still wants to do.

I’m absolutely amazed that I’ll be hitting mid-cycle on a Saturday. I almost never do, but I still wouldn’t be shocked if we just couldn’t have sex that day for some reason, even though we almost always do on weekends. I guess he just wants to be extra careful. I think we’ve only screwed once when I was 14 days after my period.

My mother-in-law got me 3 cans of my favorite coffees due to my patience with them needing Tom over there a lot to help them. I understand and this was very sweet of her.

I feel much better than I did over the last 4 or 5 days and if I didn’t know any better, I’d say I was right before my period when I was really right after it. I was depressed, I was constipated, I had pre-cramps and I was hornier than hell. Tom says it’s OK to be depressed and that everybody is at times and that it’s necessary so we can be happy and appreciate it all the more. Yeah, he has a point, but no thanks to being depressed. I hate feeling anxious, angry or sad. I totally dig being happy and I’ll always appreciate it when I am. I wish I could be more than usual, but I have hopes of being much happier and for much longer periods at a time. I still say that the day will come when I’ll stop fighting my erratic schedule and just accept and deal with the fact that I can’t be on a schedule. Also, I’ll either be glad I couldn’t have a kid, or just won’t care, or both.

I may end up doing something totally stupid and set myself up again to fall, though. Once my schedule gets back on days, I may try the Melatonin again cuz sometimes I’m too stubborn and selfish and just don’t know when to quit and accept things as they are. The kid, I accept never having, but I guess you could say that I’m going longer periods at a time being able to deal with the fact that that can never be and I know it’ll keep getting better with time.

I wonder if Andy did come over to use the pool today. He mentioned it. God was he pushy the night I had the attack. I left him a message about it and said that that night wasn’t a good night to call since I was still beat and recovering from it, but he goes and calls anyway and didn’t even mention it. Didn’t even ask if I was okay or how I was feeling. Andy can be a lot like Tom. They’re different in the way that Andy likes others to be like him, whereas Tom’s hung up on being different. Tom likes to make it a point to arrange things differently, eat differently, have different habits both non-sexual and sexual and so much more.

Andy and Tom both go against things you ask of them a lot. They also live up to things you accuse or assume about them. In other words, cuz I tell Tom he seems to prefer sex at the end of his day, he’ll go out of his way to live up to that expectation and want sex at the end of his day. They also are payback kinds of people, but we all tend to give what we get within reason. If I’m gabbing away to Tom when he first wakes up, which neither of us likes, he does it to me when I wake up.

It took me a couple of days after that attack to get my strength back. I was pretty exhausted and had been sleeping in spurts, but that’s how it usually works after an attack. Emotionally, I was pretty bummed, too. That Melatonin had seemed like a miracle cure, but as they say - if something’s too good to be true, it isn’t true.

What the hell, though? I don’t need to work and I’ll never have a child, so it doesn’t matter if I can hold a schedule or not. Tom believes and tells me to stop trying and it’ll naturally happen by itself. He means the schedule and the kid. He believes things are just handed to you on a silver platter and that they just happen on their own if you don’t try or put any effort into them. Is this why I still smoke? Why haven’t I just happened to have quit smoking then, if I haven’t been trying which has been the case with me?

Tom downloaded Crazy 8’s from AOL. We played each other on the two computers and then I played myself and it’s really cool and a lot of fun. You can play against the computer or with someone else on another computer.

The pigeons are really very strange. One laid an egg in the pool.

We did missionary position last night. I really, really enjoyed it, but he didn’t last more than a few minutes since his shoulders were sore (he’s always sore or tired).

Later…

Tom’s up now and last night we discussed having fun this morning, but I don’t know. He really only likes sex at the end of his day or before bed. He may not want to do anything this morning or maybe he’ll just want to go down on me. I don’t think he feels comfortable screwing towards the beginning of his day when he’s most energetic and therefore has a harder time holding back.

I wanted to see if he really pays attention as I believe he does to when I get my periods. So I told him I forgot to write down when I got it and asked if he knew. He knew. So on June 8th when I’m mid-cycle, he won’t touch me. I still wonder why, though, when he knows I can’t get pregnant with him not cumming and I doubt he’s worried he’d slip and let go since he never has yet. And why would God help keep him away from me then when Tom won’t cum and when God knows that all he has to do is make sure I’m sterile due to the DES or something else?

Cuz it’s Memorial Day, Tom wished he could’ve been here this morning, rather than helping David and Evie move. It’s best that he wasn’t here, cuz who would want to deal with what I went through this morning? One of us was enough.

After 4 hours of sleep (yes, the Melatonin’s really a bust and Robin’s really full of shit by saying not to worry about my schedule and other stuff), I awoke wheezing. It was the worst attack in quite a while which took an hour to fight off, even though I knew I wouldn’t need to go to the ER. In the end, I stopped breathing for a few minutes as my lungs were just sooo tired. Next thing I knew, I sprang up, coughed up a blob of shit and was fine. I was weak and exhausted, but I could breathe. Then I fell asleep for about 5 more hours.

It’s been quiet so far today, but I wouldn’t be surprised if the little unruly monsters come out to play on their monkey bars any minute now.

I had cramps earlier, but Ibuprofen took care of that and I’ve been trying to keep busy when possible. I did laundry and de-dutied the patio.

Later…

All’s still peaceful and no assholes next door. They haven’t been around for most of the weekend. I think she was dropped off by someone yesterday evening, but they were out all day yesterday and today. Fine with me.

When my cramps settled down, I said to Tom, “I want to get pregnant next month instead of having to go to work.”

“Fine with me,” he said, but I know better. I know what I can and need to do, but why do I get the feeling he’s making little excuses to stop me? He said he wants me to get a job doing something I like, but that’s just a fantasy. Everyone hates their jobs, or else I’d have been doing what I like to do a long time ago. He said we should save the $2 it costs for a paper to get cigarettes with till next week and next week I should be more comfortable with my schedule. I’m sure his parents or David and Evie have the paper and I can’t keep using my schedule as an excuse to not do what’s right and what needs to be done. I can’t use that as an excuse any more than I can use my asthma or the ADD.

Tom told me that he knows in his mind that my parents feel bad about the funny farms, foster homes, etc. He feels that they felt they were doing the right thing at the time, only to regret it and that they’ll feel guilty about it all their lives and will always feel uncomfortable around me. He says they still care about me and love me, but they’re never gonna know how to interact with me that well or how to deal with me without feeling uncomfortable and guilty. Well, I know Mom’s expressed feelings about Brattleboro being a mistake, but do they really feel that guilty or sorry about the whole thing? No. I don’t think so, anyway. I also don’t think it was just a case of them feeling it was best to toss me away. I think they gave up on me and just didn’t want to deal with me, so they stuck me in other people’s hands. Mom’s made it a common practice since I was around 7 to get rid of me. First it was camps or other people’s houses and then all the places I was sent to when I became a ward of the state. They always expressed high opinions about Valleyhead, which of course, I felt was just about the worst place of them all, so if that’s changed, I don’t know. I think they weren’t too happy with the stops along the way to Valleyhead, like Brattleboro, the foster homes, and the state hospital, but once at Valleyhead, I think they were thrilled about it and I thought they still would be, but I could never know for sure what’s really in their minds about it and it’s done and over with, anyway.

I used to wish they would feel guilty about it all, but now that there’s a chance they might, I have mixed emotions about it. I mean, yeah, I felt they gave up on me and I’ll never forget those places and it’ll probably always affect me in different ways, but at the same time, maybe they didn’t know this and thought it’d help me. Also, once the quack shrinks, who are usually no better than street drug dealers, saw that my folks were never on my side, took that to their advantage and preyed on my parent’s trust in them and they drugged me up and labeled me crazy, and my parents, who trust doctors, believed them. So the shrinks are guilty, too, for brainwashing my parents and me and helping my parents to brainwash me.

Well, now I know for sure just what a liar Robin really is and so much for asking God to help me do the right thing. Maybe God helped to make not having a kid easier to deal with, along with my chat with Tammy, but I can’t believe I’d ask him for help to do the right thing in life, just to have him throw that up in my face. I really, really don’t have a destiny, do I?

Robin said don’t worry about my schedule. Then why did I have to sleep 12 fucking hours and not get up till 12:30? I set my alarm and got up at 8:30, but I was just too damn tired. Tom says don’t worry, I’m supposed to have setbacks at first cuz it’s new so my body’s gonna try resisting it, but that it did help for longer than usual and it’ll still work out. I also got my period shortly after I woke up and Tom said that that’s a part of it, too.

So, what am I gonna do? Get a job and have to call out every two weeks or every month cuz of my schedule and period? God doesn’t want me to have a kid, but doesn’t he want me to do anything with my life? Can’t he just help me help myself even if it’s just a little bit? Why won’t he help me? Doesn’t he want me to work and bring in extra money? Or does he always want me to be a little disabled wimp who has to have her husband do it all while she stays at home on this erratic schedule? Again, I just wish I knew why he hates me so much and why I can’t get no help from him. I’ve put an honest effort into trying to help myself for the longest time, so obviously he doesn’t want me on a schedule and able to work, any more than he wants me to have a kid. I know what I can’t have and can’t be in this life, but I wish he’d help give me some other kind of a life. I’m just a waste product wanting the impossible and not being able to do anything but sit around and fail. I don’t want to be a failure and I agreed to not fight God’s wishes for me, so why can’t he help me get some kind of schedule and job going?

Did God send Robin into my life, telling her to be nice, then to turn on me? Or did I do something to piss Robin off to make her turn on me? And she also says don’t worry about anyone around here? Then why were the kids two houses down screaming their heads off yesterday morning and a little while ago? Those dogs of theirs obviously aren’t pets. They were bought for the sole purpose of acting like guard dogs, so they must be chained down in the opposite corner of the yard so they won’t attack the kids. I doubt they do daycare on weekends, so their own kids are getting older, which means they’ll be outside screaming up a storm more often when it’s not scorching hot. And here I was, always so glad that they never went out back. That sure has changed. Luckily, I can’t hear a damn thing inside, cuz the freeloader’s house blocks the sound from coming in here.

I’m just mad that I let myself take a fall again and suckered myself into believing the Melatonin was a cure-all and that our new position just might work. Yeah, right! No way in hell. Tom knows it and so do I. Why do I kid myself and let him do it too? I need to keep taking Tammy’s advice and get a life and get a job and fuck the sex life and the kid. They’re a joke, but the job I need to get isn’t, so I’ve got to look real hard and well in tomorrow’s paper.

Oh, this is just fucking great. I just saw the top of a kid’s head, since the monkey bars are just over the top of the block wall and the dogs are going off too, cuz of their fucking screaming and antics. God’s just gotta do something. If it isn’t across the street, if it isn’t next door, it’s something somewhere. What the fuck is he trying to tell me? Am I gonna have to listen to this shit whenever it’s not hot out? Is there to be no more peace in my own backyard anymore? Is my own backyard gonna sound like when the M’s kids would scream up a storm? Why can’t I just live in peace with only the sounds I or my husband create? I can’t even hear myself think out back and God would I either want to die or kill them and the dogs if they were right next door! I know for a fact that going over there and bitching about it won’t do a damn bit of good, since the anonymous dog complaint didn’t. So let me guess, every day from September to May and also on cooler summer days, they’ll be out there raising hell? Thanks, God. Thanks, a real lot.

I just want to find a job and have peace in my own backyard. Too much to ask for? So far it seems to be.

Later…

Tom’s over at Mary’s working on her computer. I was gonna go, too, but stood back in case it aggravated my cramps. He should be home soon and we’re hoping she gave him some good computer stuff or preferably money since we need that more, but who knows?

Tammy called earlier with computer questions. She and Tom talked. Later, I called Tammy and she was telling me how they had to shoot the rooster they had for going after Sarah. Guess they’re aggressive and territorial. Tammy said she was afraid of it, too, and that kicking it was like kicking a block of steel.

She says Mom and Dad only sent them $35 for their anniversary and no packages.

That’s it? I’m surprised as they usually send more. Tammy says Mom got Dad a nice diamond ring for his birthday and they’re probably broke now.

Yeah, right!

Tammy also says she was surprised to hear that Mom didn’t call me as she called her to thank her for the ring when Dad got back. Did she call Larry? Anyway, I don’t see why she should’ve called like Tammy said. She doesn’t need to call me.

Tom just called to see how I was, and I told him that I should be, but am not as doomed feeling or pissed as I may sound. I told him, though, that there’s no peace at all out back since they put up those monkey bars. Then he said, “We’ll have one of our own and compete.”

I said, “I wish,” even though I wanted to remind him that that’s impossible. I realize that just cuz I know a kid isn’t possible doesn’t mean I have a right to keep him from expressing what he believes. Time will prove me right, whether he knows it or not.

Today I was rescued from the NHA 4 years ago. Like with Brattleboro and Valleyhead, it seems like centuries ago as well as yesterday. Most things kind of always feel that way, I guess.

The Melatonin may be a bust after all. I couldn’t fall asleep till around midnight, maybe later and I got up at 9:15. So unless I can back my schedule up, it will keep rotating around, but slower. I knew things were too good to be true and I wonder why I don’t feel our new position won’t work. I should feel it won’t work cuz I still say he’s either against a kid or has a physical problem.

Why do I feel and know he won’t cum this way? I felt and knew other things we tried wouldn’t work, so what makes me think this could be different? Maybe the reason I don’t feel what I should feel is that I’ve long come to accept and expect the obvious. It’s still been easier to deal with too, which I believe is due to my talk with Tammy and my praying for help with dealing with it and for help to do what’s right for me.

I picked the perfect day yesterday to straighten my hair since I won’t be swimming for a handful of days. It’s cooler now and it sort of feels like September.

Later…

I finished whiting out the backgrounds on all the pictures I could.

I can’t believe it’s late May out there. It feels like September or October. It’s overcast and slightly cool.

I took an old piece of plastic which I’ll use to cover the cushions on the bench swing. Those birds really messed up that thing!

Tom’s stopping by his parents’ place after work to mow their lawn so we won’t be so tied up this weekend, then he’s gonna grab some groceries on the way home. He says if I need to get a hold of him call him over there at his parents' place.

Later…

Chicken pigeon returned yesterday, but I haven’t seen him today.

I found it rather ironic that my horoscope said I’m in a “position” to help someone tremendously, so it’d be foolish not to. I just can’t imagine it. I just can’t imagine Tom getting off all of a sudden. I can’t imagine him ever getting off. I’m sure he would not lie and say he did, though. He tried that once and saw it didn’t work.

Got up at 8:00. I’m sort of tired today and last night I needed two Melatonin to fall asleep.

They said it’s supposed to be very windy out today, but so far it’s just a bit breezy. It’s a little cooler, too.

We tried that position earlier for the first time in ages. All would’ve been well if I hadn’t curled my hips up. Tom said next time to keep my body straight like it is when we do our usual position.

Robin came to me last night, but first, Tom reminded me that I have taken two Melatonins once before. Anyway, Robin said she wouldn’t stay long as she knows I’m not too happy with her and that I believe she’s lying. She said not to be afraid to do this position and that it’ll work better than either of us ever thought and won’t take long to do so. She also says don’t worry about my schedule, next door or anyone else around here. Lastly, she still swears I’ll be pregnant by September.

Why is she doing this? What does she want from me?

They’re home next door today. I wonder why and what they’re doing? Yesterday and today they’ve been watering their yard. I know their front door is open, cuz their front door is across from their side living room window that can be seen from the music room. So, when I look out, I can see straight through if their blinds are open and I can see their door open.

Later…

They left next door right after I typed my last entry.

My birds were hanging out on the wall that divides their driveway from the side of the house where I was looking out from the music room window. They were trying to get into the sides of the attic next door, but they couldn’t fit in through the strips of wood.

When I said I can hear the kids two yards down, it meant that I will, but haven’t yet. When it cools down, I expect to, but I hope I’m wrong.

On that show Law & Order, 1 captain, 4 cops, 1 DA and 1 assistant DA has left the show and now they’re gonna kill the 2nd assistant DA off in a car accident, so I guess that means she’s leaving and will be replaced with someone new. This will be the 8th person to leave the show.

I’ve got more to write about later, but right now, I want to go watch Little House on the Prairie.

Later…

I just ended up chatting with Andy for the last hour. I was telling him about the Melatonin and he was talking about Quinn and his new roommate Laura who he works with. I hope this new roommate of his works out since she’s a tweaker. He says she’s been helpful and responsible, and I hope she stays that way and that it works out. He says he’d like to have her around for about 6 months, even though he prefers to live alone, so he can get out of debt.

As I was checking to see if I had any email, I thought to myself, wouldn’t it be nice if Dad left a message while he was there? Dad’s on his way back now. Anyhow, he did leave me a message saying:

Hi shorty, it’s your favorite dad visiting his favorite daughter. Hope you and Tom are both well. The weather is nice and comfortable here. Heading back to Florida Wednesday morning, Tammy picked up mom’s ring and I will be bringing that and the card back to mom. You and Tom stay well and cool.

Love Daddy O.

P.S. Tone down your four-letter words on AOL because of your nieces who also use this computer.

I had to laugh when he said what he said about the 4 letter words since Tammy swears like a truck driver. Also, I had no idea that the kids read my messages. Tammy says they’re not supposed to, but that Dad was right there when she was trying to reply to one of my messages and she hit the wrong button. She was describing one of the two mistakes I’ve made myself a few times.

I also told Tammy about the Melatonin and will tell my folks, too.

I haven’t seen Chicken Pigeon in almost a week now. Tom says he thinks he met someone and is nesting with her, but will be back someday. He said don’t be surprised if Measles disappears for a while, too. Measles is a female, though, and Tom said she was being hit on. All the male birds always hit on the female birds.

Now, as for last night - I realize I should not get my hopes up. I know that Tom’s suggested lots of other things that he said he was sure would help him and they didn’t. I know he could still have a physical problem or that he could still be playing with me. I’m not the only one that can act and seem believable, so I know there’s a chance that he could be knowingly and intentionally just playing with my head, waiting to get a kick out of my seeing the joke was on me when he never cums. He still could be lying about wanting a kid and God could still be determined to see that I never have a kid.

Later…

I could punch myself right now! Why do I always have to be so stupid and ruin things when they’re going so well? Tom and I were lying in bed, ready to experiment with that position when I said he needed to change shampoos cuz his hair had that medicated smell. I didn’t mean to hurt him and I should’ve known better that he’s still a more sensitive guy than usual.

Then my mind started flying with thoughts like, that position would never work. Other things he suggested didn’t, so why should this work? Don’t kid yourself or set yourself up to fall yet again.

Then I realized that whether he cums or not, I have a goal of my own which I’d like to try to accomplish while enjoying something new. I’d rather try it and have neither of us cum, than never try it and always wonder if either of us could’ve and would’ve.

Anyway, we talked it out and it’s over. Tom says neither of us should blame me, but I still feel it was my fault. I should think harder before speaking as the last thing I want to do is hurt, upset, or annoy Tom and he knows this.

Got up at 8:00 today.

I’ve got 15 more pictures to white out backgrounds on, so I’m gonna go get started.

Later…

Oh great. They’re putting up monkey bars two yards down. Now I can hear those kids more often. Why would they suddenly play in back? They used to hang out in front like most people here do.

Anyway, Tom and I just went swimming and now he’s doing computer work.

Later…

Tom just explained something to me that just made perfect sense to me and not only did it make sense, but I believed him. I believed him.

Well, first of all, his favorite position is to be on top. This is understandable as my favorite position is on my back. He also explained to me and showed me how the top part of the head of his dick is most sensitive and doesn’t get the needed friction in our usual position. He lay on top of me and showed me how he prefers to lay and it didn’t hurt at all or make it hard for me to breathe.

He says this will eliminate 90% of our past sexual difficulties. Or did he say it’d help 90%? Whatever.

Another thing is that he’s not the only one challenged with doing something new (or something he hasn’t done in a while). I have a new challenge and goal myself. I’ve never cum with a dick in me before without my fingering my clit and I hope to. If not, I still enjoy his dick no matter what and can cum by his tongue or fingers. What he said about that sensitive spot on his dick makes sense cuz it’s like that with clits, too.

He said I may not have the kid the first time cuz miscarriages are common for all women, let alone DES daughters.

True. Very true.

Well, I’m gonna try really hard at our goals and try not to give up, no matter how long it takes and I’ve got to try not to put too much pressure on him. Talking about something you want is one thing, but I must remember to support the guy in a soothing, loving, and non-pressuresome way.

I hope the DES hasn’t got me good and I know there are pressures in life, but I think we can be much more relaxed. Maybe there is hope after all and maybe it just wasn’t our time up to now. Good things really are worth waiting for.

Neither of us can buy or not buy what Robin said, but with her being right on everything else, the Melatonin and his being able to be on top without crushing me, it does make me wonder here and there.

Not much else happened last night.

As soon as I told Tom I was sexually content, but would be happy to take care of him, he lost interest. Pleasing me really makes him happy and is all that matters to him. Why aren’t I flattered? I should be.

My wonderful drawing luck has been compensated when I tried doing more people. Better run back to flowers and animals for a while.

Last night I took a Mel. I slept from around 11:00 – 6:00. So far, so good, and tonight will make 5 nights of sleeping at night. Last night was the first night in quite a while where I didn’t wake up having to pee. I’m able to go back to sleep, though, when I do get up to pee.

If this 10-year-long depressing, frustrating sleeping schedule truly is over - what a miracle! A sign of some big deal job or that college is on for September? Maybe. Otherwise, why wasn’t there help with this problem a long time ago? What a shock, though. I’d have bet my life on never being able to solve or fix my schedule problem. If only I could be made to eat my words yet again and get pregnant! One of my biggest fears about it has just been dealt with and taken care of. It would take my getting pregnant to be an optimist, but I know better. It’s impossible with Tom, the DES and God. If an outer source influenced Tom hearing about and getting the Melatonin and me taking it for the help I needed from it, I wonder who it is. God? Robin? Something or someone else?

I think I finally figured something out. I asked myself how I knew I couldn’t be wrong about feeling and believing I’ll never have a kid like I ended up being wrong about getting here and marrying. It’s a woman’s intuition. Women’s intuition doesn’t apply to moving or marrying in the way that it applies to having a kid. That’s how I know for sure with no doubt that I’ll never have a kid.

Well, I think I’ll go read the romance book I’m reading.

Later…

I got a boring letter from Bob with a few boring drawings that weren’t too impressive. He can do better.

He also sent me a picture of his 101-year-old dad who recently died and his 2 sisters. His dad’s 2 sisters, not his, I think. One of the sisters and Bob haven’t seen or spoken to each other in 40 years. I wonder why?

I was so pissed cuz the pretty floral lounge chair we got last spring ripped. I nearly fell through. Now I have to sit on the grass on a towel, but that way is easier to lay on my back and stomach and get a more thorough tan.

I’ve got good color now. Not great color, but I’m not ghostly white.

I changed and added words to Bob’s letter and I’ll send it to Kim in my next letter to her.

Later…

Tom’s going through his mail now.

It’s too early for sex, but I’m not really in the mood for it, so I doubt he will be.

We played cards earlier and now I’m just killing time till a movie I want to see goes on. Perhaps I’ll go draw or write. I have a list of drawings I want to do black and white duplicates of in my sketchbook.

Last night I slept from 11:00 – 7:00 and I didn’t need Melatonin.

Tammy did get Ma’s card. So much for Larry or Tammy calling me to let me know they got it like they said they would.

Tom worked on the car, mowed and de-dutied the patio. I did laundry and a few other things.

I’m gonna listen to music while he showers. Then he’ll go down on me before we go see his parents. When we return, we’ll probably go swimming, and then we’ll screw so he can have today’s hard-on.

Later…

I love this time of year. It’s so quiet and peaceful, yet scorching hot. If it were winter now, I’d hear those dogs much more often and who knows what kids would be playing ball next door.

They’ve still been quiet next door. They haven’t been around since yesterday. They were pulling out as we were pulling in after bombing.

We were at Mom and Dad’s earlier and then Tom dropped me off and returned to do some work for them after stopping at Radio Shack.

He got in a short while ago and we probably won’t go swimming later. I’ve had my share of the sun and the pool for today.

I brought my sketchbook to Mom and Dad’s and showed them what I’ve done so far.

Later…

Tom has some good news but says it’s not definite. Ma mentioned paying someone to mow when they needed it. She said she’d pay them $20. Then Tom jokingly said, “If you’re gonna pay that much, I’ll do it and Jodi can vacuum and help with the housecleaning.”

Tom says he’ll stand by any decision I make, but he doesn’t think my working is gonna be all that helpful to him and he’s not sure working is what’s best for me. It’s the only other choice I’ll ever have in life, next to staying home all the time and watching Tom struggle all by himself. Isn’t it fair that I do my share of bringing in income? I could still work part-time and take care of the house and help his folks.

This Sunday, or next Sunday, we’re gonna look at the ads. Toms says they have mail-in applications.

Really? How cool. How convenient, too.

Tom says he wants me to keep an open mind as far as what I do for work and to be selective. Well, I can’t be too selective with no special training or experience, so I’ll do my best. A cashier or a housekeeper is pretty much as good as I can get.

I asked Tom why he was so eager to get me to see my parents in a year or two and he said cuz I talk about it a lot, it must be important to me. But I talked a lot about a kid, yet he didn’t seem so eager about that and going to a doctor and doing whatever it took for that, did he?

Anyway, most people hate their jobs and earn shitty money, but we all gotta do what we gotta do to survive, but hopefully I can find a job that’s at least OK.

I think I’ll go listen to music and maybe read or draw. It’s too early for Tom to participate in sex. He usually goes to bed around 8:00, so at 7:00 is probably when we’ll screw.

He gets up at 4:30, but at that time he only wants to watch TV or work on the computer.

These number stickers are from a kid’s meal I had gotten. It goes to a calendar, but I didn’t want to use it. There are 21 other stickers, too, like this. The rest I just threw on the front cover of my next paper journal.

I’m not gonna have enough room in here for all my updating but let’s just say that Tom’s admitted he doesn’t think we’ll need to see a doctor in April and no, he doesn’t want to, but he agreed to. He says part of life and being mature and grown-up means doing things you don’t want to do, but he swears he still wants a kid.

Whatever.

The Melatonin looks promising, but being the pessimist I am, I’d be more convinced in another week or two as to how helpful it really is. I did manage to crash at around 11 PM and I got up at 5:45.

The sticker, by the way, in front of this book is pretty neat. It changes temperature and colors. I mean, it changes when made cold to a deep purple, and then to pink when warmer.

Anyway, we left just after 6:30 and we were out for nearly two hours. We went to get cash, then breakfast at a drive-through. We ate in the car and of course, we had Piggy with us. Piggles is great during car rides. Very comfortable and even spunky.

After eating, we checked out the hours of two different art stores and stopped at Walmart. We got Piggy a new bail of sawdust and 4 of my favorite pens. I got blue, green, red and black and in the next book, I’ll change colors every day.

Well, I’m out of room here, so I’ll pick up on the rest of what Tom and I did in my next book. Bye!

Later…

Throughout this book, you’ll see mini stamps here and there. My original plan was to use another set of different colored markers to do different sections. However, they skip like hell which I get sick of. I may either put mini stamps by the sides of the entry dates in here or I may highlight them in green since I used yellow, blue and pink in my last 3 books. Or maybe I just won’t bother, since I plan on switching colors daily. The next time I run out of pens, I want to go back to the art store I was at today and get a purple Precise pen, which is the brand I’m using now and 3 Le Pens. In terracotta, maroon and sky blue.

Now I’ll finish with what we’ve done so far.

When we returned, we aired the place out and I straightened up and washed stuff while Tom did Piggy’s cage. He also sanded and fixed the screen on the front screen door.

Then we went back out and got some candy and I got Tammy and Bill’s anniversary card and dad’s Father’s Day card. I also got a new journal.

At the art store, there were some beautiful journals, but they were $7. The one I got was $3 and that’s a better deal when you really have no extra money.

At the art store, I also got drawing stumps (for smudging and blending) and a really cool eraser. It was a refill that goes into a pen holder (the eraser’s long and skinny) and you sharpen it like a pencil. I just got the long skinny eraser, figuring it’d be much easier for me to work with.

Then we came home, Tom licked my pussy and now he’s at the racetrack hoping to win money to buy software he’s dying for. When he comes home, we may go for a swim and play around a little more.

Later…

I’m actually a bit tired now, but Tom says that’s how I should feel. The body should naturally feel tired after sleeping too little the previous night. Not all revved up as mine would normally feel.

I got something in the mail today that I’d forgotten all about. I got it through a commercial I’d seen as a free trial offer. A wine glass and 4 Silhouette Romance novels. Romance novels aren’t my favorites, but I can deal with them occasionally. I don’t drink wine, but the wine glass is pretty.

Tom won $60 bucks at the racetrack and got the software he wanted. I’m glad for him.

We went swimming earlier and he cooked us bacon and eggs.

Last night I took the Melatonin for the first time. For the third time in a row, I had been up for 18 hours and had only slept 6 hours. I took it and fell asleep an hour later at 7:00 PM. Then I awoke at 2:30 wheezing. So I settled that down, took another one and conked out till 7:00. I only woke up for a few seconds at 4:30. I finally got all caught up on my sleep. It’s too soon, though, to tell if it’ll keep me on a schedule.

I typed letters to Larry and my parents and later or tomorrow I’ll do one for Bob and Kim.

Later…

I just took a break to sing for the second time today.

Maybe birds really are psychic like I heard some people think. I was sitting there thinking that I hadn’t seen Chicken Pigeon, but then I remembered how he usually shows up at sunup and towards the end of the day. But then I thought to myself - where’s Measles? He should be here now. Then, just as if he knew what I was thinking, he came flying in. I fed him some seed right away out of the cup and the other birds know he’s one of my favorites and they each flew up on the table by my chair where Measles was eating from the cup and nudged my hand as if to say, “Hey! What about us?”

I guess they do nest in palm trees and not buildings like Tom and I thought, cuz I’ve seen them take twigs up into the palm trees across the street.

One of them did something so funny the other day. My cigarette bucket and their food bucket were about 3 inches apart from each other on the table, when I slowly, without looking, went to flick my ash. I then noticed one backing up in between the 2 buckets and he was stuck and had no room to open his wings and he wasn’t about to walk forward into my cigarette. So I quickly pulled it away and he bounced off my lap and off of other birds’ backs.

I hope to hell those bee things we ordered today work. I can’t picture myself ever getting over my fear of bees on my own, any more than I can picture Tom cumming. It just isn’t us. Never has been, never will be.

If Tom really never has ever experienced an orgasm, like I wonder, I feel so sorry for him. He doesn’t know what he’s missing. It’s the best feeling in life that the human body can feel, in my opinion.

If it’s a case of a physical problem that Tom knew he always had, I wonder if he decided to lie about it cuz he felt that that was the best thing he could tell me. Maybe he did always know he lied about it like I mostly always thought, but felt that he was truly doing the right thing and maybe he never thought it’d hurt me and now he feels like he’s in it way too deep to admit it or maybe he’s really gotten himself to believe what he says. I’ll never know. But my journal is my place to wonder, to dream, to analyze, to fantasize and so very much more.

Just think, though, an impotent guy with an infertile woman. How cute. Maybe God sent me a guy like Tom as a payback for cutting guys down which God so very much favors over women, despite my DES.

I dumped the vibrator this morning. Tom got batteries, but the day before I had a vibe that it was broken. I told Tom that I’d try it out, but that if it didn’t work, I’d say it wasn’t meant to be and dump it. So, Tom said he didn’t buy as many batteries as he was gonna till I saw if my vibe was right. It was, and I guess that’s just part of God’s “faulty” sexual stuff that applies to me and those I know.

Tom did it again last night and this morning. Last night he said he’s gonna make sure I get to see my folks within the next year or two and I think I can really believe that. Then today he said he’s trying to get out of the next 3 house payments and have them stuck on the end of our payments so we can catch up. He says this has caused him to change some plans of ours. I said to let me know what they were when he could and he said, “Not anything major like that.” I know that he means the kid and I started to get angry at his confusing contradictions, but then I realized, I know the truth, I don’t need to get angry. I know we can’t go to Florida in a year or two and have me get pregnant by September or anytime during that year or two. If a kid had been meant for us and if we were gonna go for sure within the next year or two, we’d have to go first and make the kid after.

I can’t believe we didn’t get one piece of mail today. What a rare occasion for us.

Remember how I said I sent away for 6 books? Well, I guess they are gonna be sending them cuz they sent a card yesterday saying they were out of stock of one of them. When and if I’ll get any for sure; we’ll have to see.

I’m looking forward to getting out of here this weekend, but I can’t wait till we have extra spending money just to have fun with. I guess we’re still a long way away from that, but it’s nice to sit and fantasize about us each having a few hundred bucks to go blow in the mall or wherever.

Later…

Tom wants sex today. Oh, brother. I’m not even in the mood. He’s waiting till he’s close to going to bed, as usual. You can that any more eager on his part?

I’m watching a movie right now. It’s pretty good. It’s called Malicious. It’s about a girl who’s obsessed with a guy who’s spoken for.

Right before Tom went to bed, or about a half-hour before he went to bed, he and I lay in bed chatting. I told him I wasn’t horny at the moment and I offered just to do him, but he doesn’t like that, even though he sometimes pretends to and denies that all he wants to do is please only me.

Boy, this is a good movie. She broke into his house, then she drugged him so she could fuck him.

At 10:00 I’m gonna take a Melatonin and then again at 11:00 and then go to bed. Tom’s gonna spray out back around the patio area at sunup, then he’s gonna wake me up at 6:00. At 6:30 we’re gonna bomb and leave for two hours. We’re gonna go out to Jack-n-the-Box for breakfast and cruise around till we return. Then at 10:30, or so, we’ll go to the art store and a pet shop to get new sawdust for Piggy. Around noon, Tom and his parents are gonna go to the racetrack.

Later…

I just took a Melatonin and am gonna crash in an hour or two. I don’t know if I’ll take another pill before bed. If I don’t sleep much, fine. I slept a long time last night. Melatonin is a type of vitamin. It says you can take it as a dietary supplement.

I haven’t been writing consistently cuz my mind was just so overwhelmed. I wish my talk with Tammy was recorded and I wish my thoughts were, too. Every time I think of something I want to write, it’s not always convenient for me to write a note about it. I’ll just have to try my best to remember stuff from here.

Once again, Tammy’s basically saying that I should love Tom unconditionally whether or not he’s lied, or can or can’t admit what his problem is or whether he wants help or not. I guess what I need to do is continue to not feel hurt or angry or that he lied to me, cuz of the DES as the bottom line, anyway. I should remember that while I shouldn’t call him a liar, I shouldn’t take the things he says or promises too literally, either. People make small talk, people contradict themselves and each other, people say things that they don’t mean literally and that’s just life.

I wrote Tom a little note that I was gonna work really hard at supporting him, doing for him, loving him, and allowing him to do what he feels best for him and that I’d stop trying to change him. He seems pleased that I’ve finally come to not take him so literally and that I’ve agreed to let him be as he is.

I don’t think I’ll ever be so angry at him again about this since it’s God’s doing and the DES’s doing. At least I hope the anger and depression are gone. I mean, it isn’t gone and it may never be gone, but hopefully it’ll stay dormant where it’s easier to deal with. I hope I really can be looking forward to the end of feeling like I’m gonna die over it. I want so much to be happy. I hate feeling miserable and depressed and like I said, I miss how much happier I was when I first got here, but I don’t miss that life.

I believe Tom when he says he’s never gonna give me a confession. I think he’s just gonna continue not to do anything towards having a kid, but I don’t think I’ll ever know for sure if he’s lying or not or if he can and will be helped or not. I think all I can do is have theories about it for the rest of my life. Perhaps he knew all along that he’s really got a physical problem, but never had the heart to tell me and I don’t think impotence can be cured. Whatever the case, maybe he is rather embarrassed about it and I know he’s a sensitive guy.

At least he seems to know now, that he can cum or not cum and that whatever he chooses to do that makes him happy is what matters. We all have to give up things for our loved ones and if giving up the hopes of him cumming and us having a kid is what it’s gonna take to make him happy, then so be it. Even if the DES didn’t make me infertile, I had no right to try to change him and make him cum and it’s my fault that I took his promise so literally. I wouldn’t believe someone who said I had purple hair and green skin and was tall, but I should’ve known him better from the get-go.

Tom’s gonna take a couple of sick days off from work so he can take me to put in job applications and I’m also working really hard on the drawing. I can’t believe I’ve done 5 pretty decent face drawings in the last few days. I hope this luck isn’t compensated. Tom says he doesn’t think it’s luck anymore, but that I’m improving. I hope so and I think so, too.

I wonder if Tom knows I’ve told Andy and Tammy about us? He made a point to tell me to be careful what I say cuz he doesn’t want to be made out to sound like a wife-beater or something he’s not. When he said this, I wondered. If he knows, he either bugged the phone or read my journals, but I don’t feel I’m doing anything wrong. After he threw that fit over my calling that nurse, he said it didn’t matter who I spoke to and Andy, Tammy and Kim can be trusted. They’re not gonna discuss it with anyone and if they did, it’d be with those who Tom and I don’t know. When we agreed on April of ‘97, I thought he meant that he didn’t want either of us to speak to a doctor about it in person till April of ‘97.

Since I can’t remember anything else that I had thought of to write in here and since I can’t remember every single thing Tammy and I said, I’m gonna leave it at this. I covered more than the highlights, anyway.

From here on out I’ll be basically working on trying to find myself and get a job going and get a life and make something practical and realistic out of myself. I’ll work on not taking Tom too seriously and literally, but not always insist that he’s a liar. I’ll definitely work on forgetting that kid. Maybe in the next life or in heaven, if such things exist.

I always knew a kid wasn’t to be for me and I’ve always accepted this, but if I have anything nice to say about God, it’s that I believe he’s helped me to deal with it and I believe he sent Tammy to help me put a closure to this kid issue and to deal with it better. I also believe that along with Tammy as my sign to get on the right track in life, he sent the Melatonin to me and helped me improve my drawing. I haven’t taken the Melatonin yet and I don’t know if it’ll help, but we’ll see.

I’m still so sorry for taking Tom literally and I’m sorry I misunderstood him when he said he wanted a kid. I believe he’s like an alcoholic. Alcoholics don’t always know when they’re drinking and doing certain things and they don’t always know they’ve got a problem and what they’re saying. Just like an alcoholic may keep saying they don’t have a problem, Tom kept saying he wanted a kid, and I as his wife should’ve seen through that and should’ve seen what he really wanted and not misunderstood him.

Here’s that poem Tom wanted me to write. It’s about how I perceive life and people in a very brief way.

Truth or Lies?

People may contradict themselves and each other.
People may lie or tell the truth to each other.
How much do people really mean what they say?
You may not find that out today.
How much do people really want what they say?
Only time will show us that.
Who are those that really love us?
It’s those that really show us that.
It’s up to us to weed out the truth,
And in time we’ll all know the truth.

Now I’m gonna keep this journal right by me so that I can write stuff down as I think of them during the course of the day.

Later...

I prayed again to God the other night and told him that I knew that this kid thing becoming easier and easier to deal with means that I’m closer to having a new issue to replace it. I told God - fine. Go for it. He can give me something new cuz the kid issue was just so old and miserable that I’m well overdue for something new for a change to have to deal with.

Later...

I just talked to Andy and filled him in on my chat with Tammy and he told me a few things. He and the Fireflies, his fantasy life as a touring worldwide singer, are going on tour soon for about 14 months. He’s been living out this fantasy for over 10 years and I play along with him as do others. He’s in a band with 2 or 3 others just like Fleetwood Mac and they mostly do alternative stuff and some rock stuff. Tom and I will be joining him for the first week in California. I told him I’d go with him to Hawaii and maybe some Spanish-speaking country as well as England so I could hear my favorite accent spoken.

Someone’s over next door doing yard work, but they’ve been quiet, so that’s good. It looks like they’ve hired someone to do their yard work. I’ve seen the same orange pickup truck out there once or twice before. The truck has lawnmowers and shit like that in it and I couldn’t see any writing on the truck, so it may be someone that they know. I hope they do yard work just cuz it needs to be done and not cuz they’re gonna have some huge party or live outdoors. Now would be a hell of a time for that, though, since it’s so hot. In fact, I’ll probably go swimming in a couple of hours.

I also called upon Robin one last time and told her that she, as a spirit, had no right or reason to lie to me. Spirits should be the last ones in this world to be liars and I told her that I’ll miss her and I appreciate her being right about next door, but that the last thing I need is her around telling me I’ll be pregnant by September when I know the truth and need to get on with my life. I’m making a very serious effort to not take Tom so literally and not be so quick to call him a liar and to stop fighting fate and to do the right thing and try to work for the rest of my life, so I don’t need this shit. She listened to what I had to say, said quickly that she wasn’t lying, and then quickly left. Good riddance. I suppose I’ll never know why she lied to me any more than I’ll know for sure what the scoop is with Tom. Well, God wants us all to have theories and dreams, or else he’d give us all we want in life and have us all know the answers to everything. Life definitely is about dreaming and guessing and playing detective as we weed out and learn what people really mean when they talk, as well as helping and doing for others while we love them and accept them as they are and not try to change them. Most of us may not live up to these rules and expectations, but I sure do intend to try harder than ever.

This morning Tom said that he felt like I wasn’t being very affectionate and that I was trying to avoid him. I’m not trying to avoid him, but I’m not ready to have sex again. I told him that if that’s what he wants, OK. However, I had thought it best to just be buddies for a while and build the relationship up before taking a chance on having sex complicating things. I told him I’ll go along with whatever he wants cuz I don’t want to neglect him or not give him what he wants or needs.

On Saturday we might be going to a tag sale in Paradise Valley. It’s a friend of Eileen’s that’s having it and if Eileen’s there; Tom may get free computer stuff. He doesn’t know if she’s gonna be there. Sorry, I forgot, it’s called a yard sale out here.

Sometime this weekend we’re also gonna get me new erasers and a stumper. The stumper is used for blending and shading sketches.

I’ve also got to get Tammy and Bill a card for their 10th anniversary that’s on the 25th.

We’ll also be seeing his parents too.

Tomorrow we’re finally sending away for those bee things. I hope to hell it works so I can go swimming during the day without fear. It’s supposed to send off sounds that humans can’t hear, but that’s supposed to drive bees and other insects crazy and keep them away.

Tom also picked up bombs so we can be free of spiders for 3 or 4 months.

I spoke to Kim yesterday. Neither of us has heard from Bob in a few days, but we don’t mind the break at all.

Kim isn’t seeing Doug anymore. She didn’t really get into why, but I guess they couldn’t communicate too well themselves.

Later…

I called Tammy and according to her, she hasn’t gotten the card I made up for Ma yet. She said maybe Larry gave it to dad. I hope so. I called Larry’s house and they finally have an answering machine. I left him a message about it.

Between the conversation I had with Tom yesterday and the conversation I had with Tammy yesterday, my mind is overloaded with words, so now I’ll scan through my brain and remember as much as I can.

First Tom and I were talking and he was bringing up how I was so dead-set within my own mind about the fact that he’s deliberately not cumming and that he really doesn’t want a kid. Then he says we’re not communicating, but I find it awfully hard for someone who says, “I know I won’t want a divorce in the future,” and “I don’t know what the future holds or what I’ll feel or do,” to always be understandable. He said, “Here are some hypothetical ideas. Why can’t you accept that you might feel - OK, I won’t let him know this, but I’ll give up on him and maybe he’ll be right or maybe I’ll be right about the kid. Or just say - OK, he was wrong and I was right about the kid, but it’s just a little flaw of his. I still love him anyway.”

A little flaw? Yes, I still may love him anyway, but how can he call that a little flaw? How can Tammy? They make it sound like they might as well say to women, “If your man beats you and if you won’t fight back, just tell yourself it’s a little flaw he’s got and love him unconditionally and be supportive and understanding of his problem, whether he knows he’s got one or not and whether he’ll admit it or not.”

Anyway, I think I’ve gotten my sign from God that I asked him for to help put me on the track in life he wants me to be on. It’s a few different signs that all add up.

When I talked to Tammy yesterday, she really did get my mind to open up to other possibilities for the first time since the beginning of my relationship with Tom. The only thing she suggested that I don’t agree with is how she said that Tom really has a problem and that he can’t admit it as a male, it’s hard for a male to do and I should just get over it and love him unconditionally. So I should forgive him for promising us a kid while he has this problem that he may not ever want to admit or take care of all cuz it’s hard for a male to admit or do anything about such problems? She makes it sound like just cuz he’s a male and just cuz he has a problem it was OK for him to lie to me. Or just cuz he may have a genuine physical problem that he may or may not admit or want to fix and just cuz he’s a male, it’s OK for him to promise something that I really wanted?

As far as the signs go, here’s what I think they are and what they mean. His mom said she was really impressed with the Melatonin. She said she slept longer and better and didn’t wake up feeling hungover or like she took anything. So that could be a sign saying - you need to work cuz you aren’t ever having a kid, so take this cuz you need it to keep a schedule so that you can work. I also think Tammy was a big help to me in realizing all the more that I need to work.

She told me that the cancer has left Bill impotent and that he gets hard and soft, but can’t cum. She told me that she’s certain that Tom has a genuine problem and that he may never admit it and she doesn’t know if any doctor could ever get him to admit it or if a doctor could help him. I still think the bulk of me may always believe that he’s lying more so, but Tammy really drove it into me the fact that it’s cruel of me to judge him so harshly, not take him at face value and not be supportive and understanding of him and love him unconditionally when he’s accepted me for the way I am.

Maybe, just maybe, he is telling the truth and can’t admit that he has a physical problem and due to my being so caught up in my feeling he’s a liar, which he still very well may be, I keep forgetting the bottom line. I’m a DES daughter, my instinct and vibes say a kid isn’t meant to be, a kid is wrong for me, God won’t allow me a kid me, so does it really matter whether or not Tom’s lying? Does it really matter whether or not Tom will admit it and want to get help?

Half the people I’ve talked to believe what Tom believes. That it’s virtually impossible to conceive unless the guy cums in there cuz a few sperm aren’t likely to make it up there and that’s why there are millions. The other half says what Tammy says. She said if he really was afraid of me getting pregnant, he’d use birth control, cuz the pre-cum could get me pregnant and that someone who’s been fucking without protection for this long has an excellent chance of being sterile.

She also did say that if I stop calling him a liar and see if he opens up to me and wait to see what happens next April, maybe I’ll see if it’s meant to be or not. She said if it is meant to be, it’ll be.

The two things I’m most sorry for are that I really realize that he could just not be lying after all and if that’s true, I feel so guilty and so ashamed of myself. The other thing is, there’s no way in hell I can or will ever have a kid no matter what the real case is and I don’t think I’ll ever know for sure what the real case is. I’ll never know for sure if he’s lying or not and he swears he’ll never confess he lied to me, cuz he didn’t. Well, like I said, whether he’s lying or not or has a physical problem, I’ll probably never know.

I just wish guys weren’t so fucked up sexually. They either rape or only think below the belt all the time or they have problems they can’t deal with or won’t deal with and they end up lying to their women about it and making false promises as if they told a little white lie.

Tammy’s right, though, when she says forget about the kid, and remember that if it’s meant to be then it will be, and maybe someday we can adopt. Well, I don’t see either of us wanting to adopt and it’s certainly not to be.

When I look back, I guess I can see almost as many signs that said he’s got a physical problem, but I think I’ll always mainly believe what I said I’d probably mainly believe. I just wish I kept my mind open all along to other possibilities about Tom, however slight, and not been so angry at him when the real source of my never having a kid is the DES and God.

Yes, this wake-up call from Tammy and the possibilities of the Melatonin must be my sign from God telling me to work. I still don’t know where, what or when, but I’m sure I’ll be working soon enough.

Tammy said with confidence that destiny will come, but I think I’ve already lived it. I think things are meant to be as they are for me and I’ve reached my peak.

When Tammy was talking about unconditional love, she told me that Bill cheated on her when she was 7 months pregnant with Sarah and that she was hurt, angry and didn’t trust him for a while, but through communication, they worked it out and built their relationship back up.

She told me that about 9 years ago she’d get moody for no reason and everyone accused her of being a bitch and for deliberately acting that way, but she knew she had an honest problem. Lots of people have that just like the ADD. I’ve got and lots of people just don’t understand us or give a damn.

Tammy said I should get tested, but I don’t want to bother. I’m still sure in my mind that I’m sterile and whether I am or not doesn’t matter unless Tom ever does cum and then we’ll find out anyhow.

I also realized that I’ve been practicing what I preach. Now, it’s easy for me to say that his lies and procrastination are bigger, but lies and procrastination are just that. I promised to try more often to cut down on smoking and to smoke outside and I haven’t been. I said I’d decorate his monthly work calendar. It’s now halfway through the month and I just did it. No, I’m not perfect either.