Got a few things to update on, but first, in case I haven’t mentioned this, Robin hasn’t been around lately and that’s just fine with me.

Ma said she wanted a note telling her what I got for work, so I’ll be telling her and Tammy that I’m dancing Thursday – Friday just to get them off my case.

Tom said Mom was wrong in saying what she said and that he could understand why she said this, but since she hasn’t seen me in so long, she doesn’t know how much I’ve grown. So. What’s that got to do with it? I still will and need to get a job soon enough.

I’ve been coloring in white backgrounds in my drawings that were scanned in. As I mentioned before, we had trouble scanning some of them cuz they looked shitty. The background was too dark, so little by little I’ve been whiting the background out in the paint program. I did 4 of them so far. Tom says that this is a way to test if his program works and I guess that if it does we’re gonna launch that art disk of mine after all. This seems a bit hard to imagine since it just doesn’t seem meant to be. I don’t see it or feel it, but we’ll just wait and see.

Andy’s car broke down and this couple he knows is working on it, so I haven’t gone over there to finish his cat yet.

If Tom ever reads this, I don’t give a shit, but I’m not gonna go the rest of my life without being able to talk to my best friend about the hell he’s putting me through. Kim and Tammy are the only other ones that know about Tom and now Andy does and that’s all that’ll ever know cuz I don’t trust or know anyone else well enough to tell them and I certainly won’t ever discuss it with people like my parents. I explained to Andy that I was just too fucking embarrassed to tell my own best friend and he said I never had to be afraid to tell him anything and that he’s not his old self and that I’m his number one person and that I can discuss it every day if I need or want to. Finally, I have someone I can talk to much more often about it, but if he were the Springfield Andy, forget it.

I told Andy that while I realize more and more that a kid would ruin our marriage and that I couldn’t handle it and that I don’t know shit about kids and why I’d be a bad mother, the point of Tom’s lying has been killing me and it always will.

Tammy believes Tom, but you see, Tammy almost always sides with others and she really likes Tom. Having a brother-in-law who’s like a brother to her is very important to her. Andy’s not sure what to believe, but I think he believes what I believe, more than that he could really have a problem. Even he said he’s never heard of a case where a guy gets hard without a problem but doesn’t cum.

He went down on me earlier and then I did him by hand and he was harder than usual for longer than usual and he said I was doing so good and getting better and better and to just hang in there and give it time. Yeah, give it the rest of my life, he means, or at least till after my periods stop. Then he went to bed. I wasn’t born yesterday. I know he finished off what I started. He almost always prefers sex towards the end of his day. That way he’s more tired so it’s easier for him to hold back and then he can go to bed and finish the deal. Especially when I don’t go to bed when he does.

I told Andy that the 4 biggest reasons why he won’t tell me he doesn’t want a kid are cuz he doesn’t want to break my heart, which is already broken, he fears me leaving him, he fears me beating him up and he really loves to tease me about the subject.

I did tell Andy, though, two very important things. That we have been having sex more often and that other than this big lie of his, he’s a great person and we have lots of good times.

Andy said that if I ever divorced him, I could sue him for this and win. Yeah, I know all about it, but I don’t want to divorce him. And what would I sue him for? Even if he were rich, money can’t make up for his lies.

Then Andy goes on to say that God really does love me and that I should respect God and not be so angry with him. Fuck that shit! If God loves me at all, it’s very little. And how can I respect God and not be angry with him for denying me a child while he lets murderers have them? It isn’t just Tom that’s doing this. It’s God too. Andy also says that it may just not be the right time. Well, if it’s not the right time, then when will it be? I feel I’m as ready as I can be. Andy says he’s testing my faith. Well, hasn’t he done enough of that? Can’t he go test someone else’s faith for a change? It’s not as if God’s gonna die or be all heartbroken if I don’t have faith in him. Hasn’t he got enough other people who believe and have faith in him? If he wants any love and respect, then he can let me have a kid and stop getting millions and millions of assholes and teens pregnant. I know the bulk of the people are assholes, but must he let 9 out of every 10 murderers have kids? Is that really necessary and can that ever be fair and make sense? Andy said that after I’m dead, everything that happened to me and in this world will make sense. I’m sorry, but some things will never make sense. Like it could ever make sense if I went and killed every other human being in this world? Yeah, right!

Andy agreed with me that Tom’s gotta be relieving himself somehow. I told Andy that Tom says he gets relieved in wet dreams and that I’d said to him how a wet dream can get him off, but his wife can’t. Andy said he’d feel hurt by that, too.

Why did Tom want me so much and what did he see in me that he felt he couldn’t get from another woman that he couldn’t tell me upfront that he didn’t want a kid and wear rubbers or something so that he wouldn’t have to always cum by himself?

Andy also agrees that he doesn’t see how going for help can ruin a marriage. I told him why Tom wanted to wait until April. That’ll make it 3 years of this shit. He may as well have said let’s wait till our 10th anniversary. Isn’t 3 years more than enough? After 1 year should be enough. Anyway, whether we went to a doctor now or 5 years from now, it’s not gonna help. He’s not gonna let it help, but I think he knows he can’t fool those doctors. They’re gonna tell me what I already know about him.

How could there be any chance, like Tammy suggested, that he’s really going through hell cuz of the way he is? No one can act that well. He’s perfectly satisfied with the way he is and with the way things are.

Andy asked how he could be happy the way he is. Well, it takes someone very incredibly afraid of having a kid and telling his wife, that for him to be as happy as he is, and he is perfectly happy. Getting his own self off for the rest of his life is absolutely no problem for him. If he does feel any guilt, maybe it’s cuz he feels he deserves it for what he’s doing to me. Meaning, if he does feel the slightest twinge of guilt, perhaps he doesn’t mind living with it and perhaps he feels he deserves it and should live with it as a punishment for what he’s done to me. On the other hand, Tom has absolutely no guilt or remorse for his lying to me and I know it. His conscience is completely guilt-free. He feels he hasn’t done a damn thing wrong and that this lie is perfectly okay.

I’m trying to remember every little thing Andy and I talked about since we talked for quite a while.

That’s basically all I remember us talking about, but if I remember anything else worth mentioning, of course, I’ll write it in, just like if anything else worth mentioning comes along. I just mainly filled him in on the situation and he had questions to ask about it.

I really appreciate Andy letting me talk to him. He’s a good listener. He knows I don’t want or need his pity and that all I need for him to do is to listen and we know it’s not like he can wave a magic wand and fix the situation.

Tom lied about Kim, Phil and Alex’s visit, he lied about cumming in 1993, he lied about saying he can’t hold back from cumming, he lied about saying he cums without warning, so, he can lie about us having a kid.

I thought of another possibility. Maybe he does intend to fess up but wants to wait about 5 more years or so, figuring it’d be harder for me to leave him after so long. I could still beat his ass, though, but maybe he figures it’s worth it.

Over the last few days, I got Bob letters that Kim sent me. She wrote in comments, but they haven’t been all that funny. I’ve got to remember to call her one of these days soon.

I hope Larry got the Mother’s Day card I did up and that he signed it and sent it to Tammy.

I checked AOL to see if there were any messages from Tammy and there weren’t. It’ll probably take her some time since she’s got kids and is so busy herself.

I still hear from Alex here and there. He’s moving to some other apartment in Vermont and is still working, teaching sign language, and is single.