Well, now I know for sure just what a liar Robin really is and so much for asking God to help me do the right thing. Maybe God helped to make not having a kid easier to deal with, along with my chat with Tammy, but I can’t believe I’d ask him for help to do the right thing in life, just to have him throw that up in my face. I really, really don’t have a destiny, do I?

Robin said don’t worry about my schedule. Then why did I have to sleep 12 fucking hours and not get up till 12:30? I set my alarm and got up at 8:30, but I was just too damn tired. Tom says don’t worry, I’m supposed to have setbacks at first cuz it’s new so my body’s gonna try resisting it, but that it did help for longer than usual and it’ll still work out. I also got my period shortly after I woke up and Tom said that that’s a part of it, too.

So, what am I gonna do? Get a job and have to call out every two weeks or every month cuz of my schedule and period? God doesn’t want me to have a kid, but doesn’t he want me to do anything with my life? Can’t he just help me help myself even if it’s just a little bit? Why won’t he help me? Doesn’t he want me to work and bring in extra money? Or does he always want me to be a little disabled wimp who has to have her husband do it all while she stays at home on this erratic schedule? Again, I just wish I knew why he hates me so much and why I can’t get no help from him. I’ve put an honest effort into trying to help myself for the longest time, so obviously he doesn’t want me on a schedule and able to work, any more than he wants me to have a kid. I know what I can’t have and can’t be in this life, but I wish he’d help give me some other kind of a life. I’m just a waste product wanting the impossible and not being able to do anything but sit around and fail. I don’t want to be a failure and I agreed to not fight God’s wishes for me, so why can’t he help me get some kind of schedule and job going?

Did God send Robin into my life, telling her to be nice, then to turn on me? Or did I do something to piss Robin off to make her turn on me? And she also says don’t worry about anyone around here? Then why were the kids two houses down screaming their heads off yesterday morning and a little while ago? Those dogs of theirs obviously aren’t pets. They were bought for the sole purpose of acting like guard dogs, so they must be chained down in the opposite corner of the yard so they won’t attack the kids. I doubt they do daycare on weekends, so their own kids are getting older, which means they’ll be outside screaming up a storm more often when it’s not scorching hot. And here I was, always so glad that they never went out back. That sure has changed. Luckily, I can’t hear a damn thing inside, cuz the freeloader’s house blocks the sound from coming in here.

I’m just mad that I let myself take a fall again and suckered myself into believing the Melatonin was a cure-all and that our new position just might work. Yeah, right! No way in hell. Tom knows it and so do I. Why do I kid myself and let him do it too? I need to keep taking Tammy’s advice and get a life and get a job and fuck the sex life and the kid. They’re a joke, but the job I need to get isn’t, so I’ve got to look real hard and well in tomorrow’s paper.

Oh, this is just fucking great. I just saw the top of a kid’s head, since the monkey bars are just over the top of the block wall and the dogs are going off too, cuz of their fucking screaming and antics. God’s just gotta do something. If it isn’t across the street, if it isn’t next door, it’s something somewhere. What the fuck is he trying to tell me? Am I gonna have to listen to this shit whenever it’s not hot out? Is there to be no more peace in my own backyard anymore? Is my own backyard gonna sound like when the M’s kids would scream up a storm? Why can’t I just live in peace with only the sounds I or my husband create? I can’t even hear myself think out back and God would I either want to die or kill them and the dogs if they were right next door! I know for a fact that going over there and bitching about it won’t do a damn bit of good, since the anonymous dog complaint didn’t. So let me guess, every day from September to May and also on cooler summer days, they’ll be out there raising hell? Thanks, God. Thanks, a real lot.

I just want to find a job and have peace in my own backyard. Too much to ask for? So far it seems to be.

Later…

Tom’s over at Mary’s working on her computer. I was gonna go, too, but stood back in case it aggravated my cramps. He should be home soon and we’re hoping she gave him some good computer stuff or preferably money since we need that more, but who knows?

Tammy called earlier with computer questions. She and Tom talked. Later, I called Tammy and she was telling me how they had to shoot the rooster they had for going after Sarah. Guess they’re aggressive and territorial. Tammy said she was afraid of it, too, and that kicking it was like kicking a block of steel.

She says Mom and Dad only sent them $35 for their anniversary and no packages.

That’s it? I’m surprised as they usually send more. Tammy says Mom got Dad a nice diamond ring for his birthday and they’re probably broke now.

Yeah, right!

Tammy also says she was surprised to hear that Mom didn’t call me as she called her to thank her for the ring when Dad got back. Did she call Larry? Anyway, I don’t see why she should’ve called like Tammy said. She doesn’t need to call me.

Tom just called to see how I was, and I told him that I should be, but am not as doomed feeling or pissed as I may sound. I told him, though, that there’s no peace at all out back since they put up those monkey bars. Then he said, “We’ll have one of our own and compete.”

I said, “I wish,” even though I wanted to remind him that that’s impossible. I realize that just cuz I know a kid isn’t possible doesn’t mean I have a right to keep him from expressing what he believes. Time will prove me right, whether he knows it or not.