God, do I keep making the most stupid mistakes, or what?! Tom and I were chatting earlier and there are some things he said that I don’t agree with and some that I do. This morning we went to screw around and I was so stupid as to let myself be too far up to the wall of the waterbed. Therefore, when he was on top of me, he had to stop as he was worried about me banging my head. Then his tooth hurt too, and he said we were running out of time.

I still can’t believe that these constant problems, whether they’re our fault or not, are just coincidences. They can’t all be. God’s having us have these problems is the tease and God’s sterilizing me is the punishment. How can Tom expect me to have an open mind about it, not be upset, and run around saying that I don’t know what the future holds? Well, I do know what the future holds and I can’t help but be sad, mad, and downright frustrated. When I say I know what the future holds, that doesn’t mean I’m saying I know it all. I didn’t know we were gonna have a rabbit, but I know we’re not gonna have a kid. I’ve also had some things I was sure of and I ended up being wrong and am aware of that. However, I’ve never been wrong yet about a baby and I don’t see how or why I could end up being wrong on that in this day and age. It’s just as obvious as the singing and woman situation was and other things, too.

I swear I’m gonna quit watching TV, too. I turned on the TV and the first thing I heard was, “Mothers who almost got away with murder.” 

God just had to make sure I’d turn the TV on in time to hear that. And yes, I really do believe that. It’s part of the tease he just has to rub into me. TV’s nothing but babies this, babies that. Plus, bad moms and unwanted pregnancies. I’m already reminded enough on my own of what I can’t have.

I saw part of a documentary about the disabled, and this paralyzed woman was saying how shocked she was to find that she was pregnant. Do I have to be disabled too, in order to “earn” a child, since I won’t kill anyone or become a drug lord? Does something even more terrible than anything that’s ever happened to me already have to happen to possibly get God to change his mind and let us have a child? Perhaps the singing dream was far-fetched, even though others who sing no worse or better than me have made it. And perhaps the woman dream was far-fetched cuz they’re all too masculine for my taste and the few fems want non-fems, but how far-fetched can the dream of having a child be? Oh, so I’m asking for an uncommon, inhuman, unrealistic, out-of-this-world, ridiculous, and unheard-of thing? Well, obviously I am.

Tom said something that’s dead true, but that scared the shit out of me. After I said I was fed up and ready to walk away from my dreams, he said no one can walk away from their dreams, cuz their dreams are who they are and what they’re made of. Great. This is a real damn comforting fact. All the more I can expect to feel like my life will be incomplete and that I didn’t really accomplish much or get what I wanted. It’s really scary to think that I’ll be living life feeling like it’s incomplete and mostly second best. I just can’t settle. If I could settle, then I’d have taken any job I could get, I’d take the offers of any person that hit on me, I wouldn’t be here today and I could go on and on with all kinds of examples. I wish to hell I could settle, though!

I really feel like Tom’s blaming me and punishing me, but he swears that’s not true. He says that if I say something to turn him off sexually, that he’s the one who feels turned off and that’s not my fault. Aside from the fact that just about everything turns him off sexually, I feel like it is all my fault. He says I need to stop trying to control and dictate things, like life’s events, my feelings, my need to talk, and that I should do what I feel is right at that moment. I feel, though, that if I don’t watch what I say, he’s gonna be hurt, angry, or frustrated and punish me for it by saying he’s been put out of the mood for sex. I told him I’d try harder to not say something’s inevitable or etched in stone. Even if a doctor said I was sterile, I told him I’d still insist that the future is unknown. Wish I could make myself run around saying - I know we’re gonna have a kid. But what if I ended up believing that? Then eventually reality would once again sink in and I’d have to be hurt all over again.

This evening he said that he wasn’t saying that this was necessarily true, but that I seemed hostile and like I was trying to pick a fight with him, so then he found himself wondering what he could’ve done to set me off and that his wondering about it is was what put him out of the mood. And he says it’s not my fault? Why? Is it cuz he doesn’t want me to say anything’s his fault? Is he figuring that if he doesn’t blame me, I won’t blame him, so then he can go and do whatever he wants? The last thing I ever want to do is knowingly pick fights with him or make the person I love upset in any way shape or form.

He said he was also upset with me earlier for saying we couldn’t have a child. I didn’t say that. I said that because I was gonna get a period, I think there’s something wrong with me. He said he just thinks that the first time we did it, it was too soon and that the second time really didn’t count that much cuz it was a wimpy cum. Then, if he thought it was too soon or too wimpy and wanted this kid so bad, why didn’t he do it more often? Cuz he wants to tease me, punish me, or instill patience in me? Cuz of the dental work expenses? Cuz of the pig’s and rabbit’s new cage expenses? Would he get off seeing me teased or upset by not being pregnant till Evie had hers so I could feel all the more hopeless, cursed and that life isn’t fair? Does he think it’d be harder for his mom to handle two grandkids born around the same time? Does he think it’d be easier for her if they were spaced out? Does he want Evie’s kid to be about a year older, so she’d maybe give us the stuff her kid outgrows so we could save at least a little money?

I know I need to work on not saying something’s inevitable and etched in stone to his face, but to myself, it’s pretty impossible. It’s a scary and familiar pattern that I’ve been through before. Nothing is suggesting that it’s that more possible that God’s gonna change his mind, just cuz he’s cumming here and there. The more I thought about it, the more I realized that a woman who screwed 10 and 15 days after her period should be pregnant and if not, she can really believe something’s wrong. What about Ron? Thank God, but he never got me pregnant and he must’ve cum in me a good 10 times, give or take a few. And back then I did fit the so-called qualifications for being a mom. So if that did me no good then, how’s it gonna do me any good now?

There has been something going on, though, that is also familiar, but I don’t see how it can’t just be a weird coincidence. Before I became a dancer, I had money dreams. The night I was hired in the first club I worked at, Andy, Kara and I went to a Chinese place and my fortune cookie said I’d never have to worry about money again. Well, in a sense that was true.

Remember how I said I was having baby dreams? Well, I had one last night and the night before and I remember the one I had a couple of nights ago. It was a negative dream, not surprisingly, but it was weird. Before I get into it, I got Chinese the other night and my fortune cookie said to get ready for some big change in my personal life.

Anyway, in the dream, I was with some unknown woman who was in her late 20s or early 30s. She was going on and on about how happy she was that she really got to know me better that day. Then we were in a grocery store. Attached to it was a lab, right by a display of home pregnancy tests, with hundreds of cups that obviously contained pee to be tested for pregnancy. All I remember was gazing into the room at the cups and saying something about that there’d never be a cup from me to be tested. Then I began to get upset and the girl was assuring me that the lady was ringing up her purchases and that we’d split. But then the cashier began to brush this girl’s hair. The cashier seemed to be an older lady, but then I noticed the girl’s physique more clearly. She was fat, had lots of freckles, and had medium-length red hair. Then I noticed she had lots of bald spots, and that’s when I woke up. Weird, huh? But it seems like a typical baby dream for me. I can’t imagine ever having a happier one or one where I saw that I was pregnant.

Well, I don’t know if I’ve remembered to cover all the important things we said or all my thoughts, opinions, beliefs, emotions, or feelings, but I think I got the bulk of it all covered.