Got myself a neat puzzle that I downloaded from AOL and Tom decompressed it. It’s a map of the US and each state is a piece of the puzzle you put together. You can also do state capitals.

Saturday morning he got off big time, which is great. I only hope I’m dead wrong when I suspect I’ll see a definite pattern where he deliberately makes sure we don’t hit it right. A part of me says we didn’t do it enough or hit it right. An even bigger part of me says it should’ve hooked this month if I was fertile. I still sense more than ever that I’ll be facing my sterility over the next few months like never before. Will I go to a doctor? I’d love to, but it’s not that easy. A doctor can’t fix me and no doctor, Tom, or myself can fight God and change God’s mind. Even if we did, would the baby live to be born? Would I have it the regular way? Would the baby be OK? Would it die of sudden infant death syndrome? I swear, though, if my periods could talk to me, they’d say, “You ain’t ever getting rid of us! Don’t bother, cuz we’re here to stay. We love you so very much and are so faithfully devoted to you.”

The big question is, what the fuck am I gonna do with my life? I can’t do anything I want, so what can I do?

Tom’s never been right on all those different months he said I’d be pregnant. I’ve never been wrong on all those times I’ve said I wouldn’t be pregnant.

In other news, it’s been a peacefully freeloaderless weekend.

Tom left a message for me saying the stereo was working and that sure sounded too good to be true. So I began disk 1 - no problem. I was psyched! Then it crashed again. How can I not feel teased and cursed by God?

Tom got the hair out so the rest of it is on God and I also have a hell of a feeling that he’s not gonna let me have any stereo work right or for long, anywhere, anymore, and probably ever again. I may as well go tape all my CDs.

Later...

It’s cold out there! It got so cold in the house last night, too. It’s only to hit 75º today, but it’ll be back up into the middle 80s in a couple of days.

I am so fucking bloated right now and the pre-cramps are stronger. I wouldn’t be surprised if I got my period earlier.

I had an idea that I told Tom when he got up. Part of what he had to say in response to what I had to say confused me, but anyway, I thought of an idea that I thought would suit us both.

As I’ve mentioned before, I don’t think we have sex enough to hit it right, regardless of my sterility belief. So, I told him that I wanted to either confirm my worst fears or be in for a surprise, so that can maybe make it easier to deal with whatever happens. He told me to do something about the things that make me unhappy the other day. So, I thought we could compromise. You see, as far as I thought I understood, he doesn’t like mixing business with pleasure. Meaning, he wants to have sex only for fun. Well, the same goes for me, but I think that during the times it’s supposed to be more likely for a woman to conceive, we should have fun but make more of an effort to screw. That way, neither of us has to be left feeling like the other ran the show and to hell with what the other wanted. We both share the same dream, so I thought this would be the quickest way to either be in for the shock of my life or see my worst fears come true so I can just deal with it and get on with my life for once and for all, somehow, someway.

So he told me that the timing, counting, or frequency of the sex wasn’t the issue for him and that the only problem was my always getting upset after sex. Well, I don’t think it’s fair to say I’m always upset, but if I make the dumb mistake I mentioned the last time, I would. And if he didn’t cum, but I’m not nearly upset about that as I was when he’d never cum. I told him I’d try to work on this, though.

The part that confused me was how he told me you can’t find out either way (if I’m sterile or not) and that it doesn’t work that way. You can’t find out either way? Well, wouldn’t it be obvious and go without saying that if a woman found out she was pregnant she’d know she wasn’t sterile?

I asked if two people could screw for 5 years, be both OK, but not make a baby. He said yes, that’s very possible. I don’t know. It’d seem to me that one would take that as a sure sign of a problem.

I still think something’s up here. I’m not saying he’s bullshitting me about his wanting a kid and that we could work out the cost of it, no matter how we were doing financially, but I have a hell of a feeling that he’s decided to stall on this for some reason. There’s been certain things he’s said and certain ways he’s said it that tells me that.

I still have the feeling hanging over me that something is wrong down there. Not as strong as the feeling I had about my ear for 6 years, but the scary thing about it is that I was right about my ear.

I talked to Andy last night cuz I was so depressed, scared, and angry while Tom was asleep. He’s become a good listener and he did cheer me up to a degree, even if no one can solve my problems. He told me the bible says that spirits in different forms, like with Robin, will lead you astray if you listen to them and that if you turn on them, they’ll do shit to you like fuck with your stereo. I don’t know. Maybe they’ve got a part in it, but I still think the main player in controlling my life is God himself. I don’t know what kind of God and it may not be him like I said before. Maybe it’s a devil of some sort.

Andy also said we should still see a doctor in April to see what’s wrong with me. I explained to him why I can’t do that. I’ll bet Tom would never mention that, too, if I never got pregnant. As I said, I know Tom does want a kid, but does he really want one that bad? As bad as I do? Sometimes I wonder.

Andy also says that maybe it’s not me and that maybe Tom’s shooting blanks. Given the fact that I’m a DES daughter with a strong vibe she’s had before and been right on, I highly doubt the problem could be him. If it were, I can’t see him ever doing anything about it.

I just wish I knew what my fucking purpose in life is! It’s got to be more than it already has been, but I don’t know about that one. Or else it’d be more by now.

Tom asked a rather funny question the other day. He said he likes change, but that change scares some people and he asked me if I thought things were changing too much lately. How weird. OK, so there have been some great changes in the last several months, like with our sex lives, but that and any other changes aren’t scary or overwhelming to me. His cumming, for example, which is the change that means the most to me and is a big deal to me isn’t overwhelming or scary to me in any kind of a way I can’t handle. I still fear a kid would be scary and overwhelming and that I couldn’t handle it, but I’m still willing to take that chance. I wonder if he said he likes change and asked that question to cover for stalling the kid. Since he told me he likes change, maybe he thinks I’ll be less suspicious of him stalling, should he do so. I wonder if he really has all the faith in me as a mother he claims to have. Perhaps he’s more afraid of how the pregnancy, having it and raising it would impact me than he’s willing to admit.

Twice in the last 4 months or so, I asked him to tell me why, in his opinion, does he think I’d be an above-average mother and he still hasn’t told me. This makes me wonder if he hasn’t told me cuz he doesn’t really believe that and cuz it’s just a way to butter me up, but I hope not.

I wish I could be so shockingly and pleasantly surprised by finding out I was pregnant just like I was about coming here and things that have happened since being here, but I know there’s no way I will. How many times in one’s life can one be that surprised? Especially with the way my life usually is as far as that’s concerned. The pattern is just too clear when it comes to stuff I want really, really bad.

Later...

Once again, when I first turned the CD player on, it worked, but then died again. I agree with Tom, though, when he says most technicians don’t know what they’re doing, so he’ll decide whether or not to bring it in to be fixed or fix it himself. I don’t think anyone can fix the CD player or how it doesn’t record right and even if I got another stereo in mint condition, God will just screw the damn thing up.

I’m so fucking bloated right now. I wish my period would just get itself over with. See, there’s no way in hell Tammy could feel like this after conceiving. She may have felt bloated, but there’s no way she could’ve felt the pre-cramps like I do. I don’t see how anyone could feel this way and end up just having gotten pregnant and not getting a period. I think that the only reason God had me spot those 13 days was to tease me. He just wanted to spark 5% - 10% of hope in me, so he could then take it away and laugh at me. Just like he did with Scott and other people and other things.

I think there are 3 reasons why the stereo’s fucked up. 1. Cuz of the dumb mistake I made by not making sure my hair didn’t get caught in it. 2. A punishment by God. 3. Cuz God doesn’t want me to ever go deaf so I can hear the neighbors.

I wonder, could something else really good be coming up? I ask this, cuz of the way life is full of ups and downs, good times and bad and I still believe in compensation. We’ve had bum luck lately. Especially me, so is it cuz of getting the rabbit? I don’t think so. I think it’d be cuz of something even bigger, but what? I’m not getting a kid out of all this shit, so what? I guess it’s not compensation for a good thing to come. I guess I’m still cursed. But why? What am I doing that’s so terribly wrong? I know I’m not perfect, and my attitude’s not always great, but is my strong desire to have a kid a sin or something? I guess it is. I just wish I could wake up tomorrow detesting the idea of a kid and have my own car that I could drive fearlessly. Then I wish I could keep a schedule and go to my typical office job or something like that 5 days a week like Tom does. On top of that, I wish I didn’t smoke.

It’s still so fucking chilly out! I wish it were like Florida here. I’ll wish that till March. I think the winters here aren’t much shorter than they are in MA, but they’re not as cold. I don’t think the summers here are much longer than they are in MA, but they’re hotter.