Oh, I just want to beat the shit out of Quinn right now sooooooo bad! You don’t fuck with the mind of someone I love and care about and you sure as hell don’t threaten them! Quinn dumped Andy for at least 30 days cuz he’s so pissed cuz he’s a scared paranoid wimp. I told Andy to tell him that if he ever hurts him, I will kill him. Quinn probably lives under the discriminative myth that guys are stronger, but I know that it just looks that way at times, cuz it’s not in a woman’s nature to be violent like it is for a guy. Due to women being too soft and not willing to put their foot down and stand up for themselves, they look like chicken shits, but I know men and women are equal. I know that fighting isn’t in strength, height, and weight but that if a person is angry enough and determined enough, they can beat almost anyone. It may be much more in my nature to be aggressive and violent than Tom, for example, but I’m sure that if Tom was that angry at me and that determined, he’d have no problem making mincemeat out of me.

I told Andy that either Quinn’s gonna kill himself on drugs or get killed by someone else if he or any of his sick friends don’t go shoot him, so I’d never go back to him. I know, like Andy said, you can’t help who you love, but Andy should be as strong as I know he is, have self-respect, and not allow Quinn or anyone else to treat him the way he’s been treated. I told him he should stay away forever for his own safety and for the sake of his sanity and just live with the few good memories he has of the wacko. It’ll hurt for a while, but time heals all wounds. I told him that it’ll get easier with time and I reminded him that no relationship is always better than a bad one.

Got a card today from Kim. It’s a cute card and I’ll probably stick it in the inner covers of one of my journals. She sent a couple of Bob letters and in one of them he mentions reading in the journal pages about a joke Kim and I played on him, but wouldn’t get into it. What the fuck’s he talking about? 98% of the stuff I sent him was journals 1-15 and we hadn’t met yet. I only sent a few pages that were from about a year or so ago, but I scanned them thoroughly and I’m curious about it. So I asked Kim to see if she could get out of him what it was since I’m done with him.

I wonder if Kim’s still gonna send Bob a letter right before Christmas saying she’s moving to Florida, then never write to him again and have me send a letter a couple of months later saying she was murdered? I asked her to let me know.

The wind is really whipping out there right now. It even drizzled a bit earlier which is weird. Out here it usually pours quite hard, but not for as long or as often as back east, of course.

Yesterday was a terrible day for me, but I feel much better now. I hope it lasts longer and longer too, after having miserable spells. I even went outside yesterday and fantasized about hanging myself from the rafters for a minute there. I felt so defeated and so hopeless and sad. I can relate to Andy so much. I know what it feels like to want something so bad that you can never have and go through that time and time again.

Tom really cheered me up yesterday. He said it’s not that he’d ever want me not to tell him about what’s bothering me, it’s that he doesn’t want to get into long 4 hour conversations about the details of why he thinks my plumbing’s OK and so on, so we can have more time to screw. Yes, he said he wants to do that more often, as well as just be together more often. Not only do I want a child, but I am a nympho and I also love to just be with him, be it just cuddling, talking, or playing cards or whatever.

I just fear that old patterns will come into play. Meaning, we’ve said so many times that we’d screw more and be together more. We do for a while, then things come up where we can’t do so for a while and sometimes it seems hard to get back on track, but not as hard as in the past, so that’s good. We’re making progress.

Now he says, like he’s said numerous times, that I’ll be pregnant in a couple of months, as long as we make the time. Well, of course, I don’t believe this one bit, cuz God has a way of making things come up that neither of us could control. Still, he has a right to his beliefs, just as I do.

He says he doesn’t believe I’m sterile for these reasons. Cuz of the spotting incident and cuz my periods aren’t always every 28 days. They’re usually every 26-30 days and also, cuz some are lighter than others.