I was going to go tubing and rearrange T-Bear’s cage, but I am just too hot. Too hot for even the coffee I’d like right now. Unlike yesterday, which was mild temperature-wise and stormy, it’s very hot out now. It’s humid and will only be around 100º today, but it’s still hot. I just came in from hanging out sheets, so till I cool off, I think I’ll sit and update the several things that are going on.

I’m sorry to start off with bad news, but Piggy’s dying. Just when we thought he’d be okay, he’s now doing what they do when they’re on their way out; not eating or drinking and just laying around without moving much.

I talked to my mom and dad earlier, who said it was a nice letter that I sent Marty and Ruth, and Mom said that if it were her animal, she’d have taken it to the vet as soon as his eye problem became apparent. I told her that I guess Tom and I made a bad judgment call and she said we sometimes do, but perhaps they would’ve said that there was nothing they could do, as we both figured. Still, even though I’m virtually certain there’s nothing that could’ve been done, I feel guilty. What if this could’ve been prevented since medicine always improves with time?

I first noticed something was wrong yesterday when he didn’t come running out to wait for his share of popcorn when I made it. He just stayed quiet and still in his house. Then when I pulled him out, I knew. He was limp and weak, and he still hadn’t eaten anything other than a few measly bites of lettuce. Although this is part of life and I’ve been through this before, it’s hard. He would’ve been 4 years old real soon, but as long as he continues not to eat, he will die.

I have Bunny outside in case what Piggy has is contagious. Bunny was cleaning Piggy and trying to comfort him, so I put him, his water, pellets, and his toy outside. I know he’s okay out there and that he can take it at 100º, but I just don’t see how people can store their dogs in their yards 24/7. I mean, even just with this being just a few days at the most, is heartbreaking. I feel like I’ve tossed him outside like he’s an old used-up piece of furniture, but he is fine and I do go out and say hello periodically.

Next door had company that day I said I heard car doors in the early afternoon, but it was fine. There was no music that I know of, but I heard kids’ voices in the backyard. Older kids. As if 2-3 came to visit and I can’t believe they didn’t go right for the basketball hoop. I don’t know how the hell they could stand it out back, but they were there for hours, and on that day, it had to be well over 100º.

After only having a few hours of sleep yesterday cuz of Piggy, Tom’s asleep now and doesn’t have to work tonight cuz he’s done so much overtime. This is great, cuz he needs his sleep and we have to do everything we can do to keep him from getting the colds he gets every 2-3 months. However, it is inevitable that he gets these colds every 2-3 months. It’s part of the plan, meant to be, and it will happen.

I feel really, really bad about some of the things I’ve written about his mother. Yes, I feel that she has been selfish and that she should’ve put more effort into letting Tom and other family members live their lives since she’s got free transportation from Cigna. (although Tom and Mary don’t want her going to doctors alone) However, she has a blood disease that will surely kill her. It’s just not known when cuz they don’t know what causes this, there is no cure for it, and how fast it progresses can vary. Her bone marrow is just producing really bad blood.

Tom told me the other day that she would be very happy to see us have a child. Great, but once again, if I were okay, how? How would we find the time? If we just had to take care of our house and needs, that’d be tough enough, but with balancing caring for her and fixing Mary’s car like he just did, and fixing whatever for others, how are we gonna have the time? Then, after it was born, who’d take care of her then? Tom says it’d be no big deal, we could work it out, and Mom would still get plenty of attention as well as the child, but I don’t know. The way Tom’s so busy with so many things, convinces me all the more that he doesn’t want a child as much as he says and that he just doesn’t want to take the time out from his hectic schedule to deal with it (not that he usually has a choice), even though he says that’s all in my imagination. I know it’s not in my imagination, cuz if it were, he’d cum more. Tired or not, he’d cum more, since he gets hard all the time with no problem, is attracted to me and loves me, etc. Maybe it’s in his subconscious and he doesn’t know how scared he really is. I just wish that subconsciously or consciously, he could see that he has nothing to fear no matter how much he cums. I know Tom’s very different and could get by just fine without ever cumming with me, but I hate to see him have to sacrifice cumming with his wife out of fear.

I also wish he’d stop insisting that this bed is gonna help us oh so much. Beds can’t help people and I don’t see how he could really believe this. It sounds more like he’s just saying this to tease me and get my hopes up for nothing. Well, believe me, I don’t have an ounce of hope up cuz I know better. I know that Tom just likes to disagree with me and I know Tom. Tom doesn’t have a big sex drive and he doesn’t want to cum much and is afraid to. He still denies this, but he always will. He says he’s not afraid to deal with and face things. And that he doesn’t fear to pursue things and that it’s better to accept and deal with things than to turn away and deny them, but I know him better. It isn’t just about his fear. It’s about his making me wait, etc.

I also wish I knew why he lied to me the other day. He did tell me a lot of times in the beginning that he liked children, could handle the responsibility of it, and be a good father, but that he didn’t know if he wanted that. He’s said that and similar things many times and would tell me he was virtually positive I wouldn’t ever have a child. Then he said that he said this, cuz I said I didn’t want them and was sterile, so he took me for face value. Well, I am sterile, but I didn’t think I’d ever want one again after the NHA, but after we met, I did want one. He said he’s always wanted one. I asked him why he didn’t have any with his first wife and he said it was cuz she didn’t want any. He wants a kid, his first wife doesn’t, his second wife’s sterile - gee, he seems really bummed out about it, too!

Nothing’s ever gonna change here, bed or not. I’ll go on being sterile and he’ll go on with his low drive and not cumming much at all. And with telling me what he thinks I want to hear and therefore, he’ll make promises that he knows damn well he won’t keep and say he’ll get off more and that we’ll have more sex. Although, sometimes we do have more sex.

Once again, though, it’s a hell of a coincidence that Piggy gets sick at this time. Again, why is something acting like there’s a pregnancy to miss when it’s been proven several times that there’s nothing to miss?

Another thing about Mom is that according to the doctor, she’s gonna have no choice but to live with someone, but when this will happen is not known. At some point, she’ll end up at Mary’s and I personally think that’d be the best thing for her. Although she stubbornly clung to hang onto her house, which is thoroughly understandable, I think it’d be great for the entire family if she lived over there. There, they have 3 bedrooms and she can even have her own bathroom, too. Tom will go over and string up phone wires so she can have her own phone, too. What I wonder though is - will she keep the house when she moves? Or will she sell it? I hope she’ll sell it cuz then that’d be a burden on us to have to keep up and care for a house and lawn where no one lives. It’ll be a big move to move her and sell her house and the stuff she won’t take with her, but it’d be well worth it and she would definitely be more comfortable at Mary’s than here, cuz of the layout of Mary’s house. It would’ve been nice having her here, but I don’t know if she’d have liked that. Thank God for Mary, though, cuz if it weren’t for her, everything would be on Tom. This way, we won’t have to worry so much about her with her having someone there all the time. Also, it’ll save Tom a lot of time. And Mary, too.

If I didn’t know any better and didn’t get the two bad periods I got the last two months, I’d wonder if I were pregnant now. Omitting the fact that I’m not nauseous or tired, I’m up to 110 pounds, I’m very bloated, pissing all the time, hungry all the time, and my tits are killing me.

Later...

Oh boy. The doorbell just rang, and I thought that maybe it was a package for us, if not some salesperson, but it was a flower delivery for her next door. I think that maybe I shouldn’t have taken it cuz I can’t picture her accepting something for us, she always seems mad and hateful and she never gave a damn about us, but it’s too late now. How much do you want to bet, though, that she won’t even bother coming to get it? And if she does want them, she’ll send Mike or someone else over? Well, now I’m curious to see what does or doesn’t happen and if this has an effect on the possible Labor Day party. The delivery butch left a note on her door to let her know they were there.

Guess this proves that it is just her and Mike there and that no one’s there during the weekdays.

Later...

Wow! Miss Joely herself came over to get the flowers. When I opened the door she said, “Hi. Did they make a delivery here?” She thanked me twice and I told her it was no problem and she was actually very nice. I thought that if she or anyone came over, she’d seem snotty about it or ask that I never again accept any deliveries for her, but nope. Tom was right. This girl is bone thin. Thinner than me, so I wondered if it was someone else that I saw when they first arrived here, cuz I could’ve sworn that the woman I saw at first had a motherly body and a different hairstyle. Also, this woman’s voice seemed softer and not as low-pitched or as loud as the voice I remember hearing at first. The voice I heard when they had that huge party around June 8th of 96 was a much fiercer, loud and butchy type of voice. I’m not saying I haven’t seen this woman before, though, and I also believe I saw her that time I yelled at her, that Indian or Hispanic guy, and whoever else. Maybe this other woman, if there really was some other woman, only lived there for a while at first. Or never did, but was just a friend or something, cuz this lady doesn’t really seem like the type to not care and it has been quiet since that morning. And I’m glad I took the flowers and helped her out.

The funny thing about it is that after I handed her the flowers and stepped back inside, she didn’t head to her house, but the opposite way. Like maybe the flowers were from an unwanted admirer and she was heading for the dumpster?

Lisa called collect the other day and she was pretty bummed out. She said she has a social worker and that it’s not that she doesn’t like her or feels she can’t talk to her, but that she’d rather talk to me most of all. She doesn’t feel like she can tell anyone else all she can tell me.

I asked her if this social worker was ordered by the state or if it was something her mom went and got and she said her mom wanted it. She said she’s been depressed, but her mom either denies it or just doesn’t want to deal with it and she doesn’t want Lisa on pills, even though Lisa said the doctor says she needs them (all doctors say that). I was quite shocked to hear this cuz I know Tammy’s always been for labeling people’s feelings/emotions/problems and for using pills as a solution, but then I realized something that made me quite happy and flattered. If what I think is true. I think that maybe after Mom, dad and she believed for so long that I needed pills in order to live, watched me go through the side effects, and then saw that I didn’t need pills but a better life instead, this might’ve spared Lisa the consequences that come from taking pills.

Anyway, she said that everything seemed to be hitting her at once. Her father’s illness and the fact that she hasn’t gotten along with her folks which she admits has gotten better. And cuz of an 18-year-old friend of hers that killed himself. He was a troubled troublemaker and his dad was really hard on him. He was about to be arrested for robbing gas stations, then he hung himself at the town hall. She also feels that she’s been having to spend too much time alone and that she wishes she could spend more time with her mom. She’s afraid to cry in front of others, though, and feels that this would make her appear wimpy.

I told her to let her feelings be known and to never be afraid to accept and show her emotions. I also told her that if someone thought she was a wimp for crying, then they were the wimps.