I knew there was something familiar about yesterday’s date. Nervous would be, I believe, 55 if he were still alive. Today’s my parents’ 46th anniversary and wacko Fran’s birthday, too, and I think he’s around 34.

I just did my best piece of wall art ever and I can’t believe I did it so fast, cuz it’s big! The length of it is almost from the floor to the ceiling and even wider than that. I did this in the bedroom. In there, there are two closet doors. There is about 3 feet of space between the two doors and a little bit of space on the other sides of the doors. I drew a vine with leaves that appear to be draped over and strung across the doors. In the middle of the doors, connected to the vine, I put a big red rose. Below it, I did a smaller orange flower, and then under that and close to the floor, I put a larger pink flower. Then, I got really lucky and added a great shot of Bugs Bunny eating his carrot. He stands parallel to the floor and he’s over 4 feet tall.

Now I have the usual stuff to discuss and believe it or not, I’m having both happy thoughts, as well as frustrating and scary ones. Usually, it’s one or the other, but if I can’t have all happy things going on, at least there are some hopeful and happier things mixed in. The question is, though, is this just another delusion? Am I falsely getting my hopes up for nothing? I ask this, cuz I seem to be an expert at it. There are no guarantees in life and I know my track record for trying new things, so although I do hope and wish deep down for the better, the last thing I want to do is tell myself that a bed is the answer to our sex problems and dreams.

You see, I thought that Tom saw what I saw in getting the new bed and that that was simply to be able to be closer, more normal, and to have the convenience it’d bring. However, he says he’s sure that that’s what’d help us to have more and normal sex and a kid (remember, he still thinks I’m fine). He explained to me that most couples sleep together, are on the same schedule, and screw at night, before bed, in the middle of the night, and in the morning. Since we haven’t had that, I guess this is why things have been the way they have been. I still won’t rule out the possibility of him having fears at any time, and I certainly won’t rule out God having anything to do with the way things have been. Once again, the more normal something is, the harder God seems to make me have to work for it and that’s the frustrating scary part. It’s easy to say we’ll get the bed and we’ll sleep together at the same time, but can I? And will that really make a difference in how much we have sex? And will that really make him cum more?

As much as I want that bed and want to be on the same schedule he is and am gonna try my hardest, I don’t know how the hell I’m gonna manage this. He says he wants the same things I want and I guess that he didn’t bring up taking out a loan for the bed a long time ago, cuz he figured I wouldn’t go for it (or maybe he wasn’t ready for this change till now). When he first came last July, he said he was sure I’d be pregnant by the New Year. I asked him why he now believes that this is the answer if we’ve been wrong before on other ideas we’ve had, and I guess he just felt the way he did back then if he wasn’t just talking.

It’s hard not knowing what the future holds in some cases and not knowing if this is just another impossible dream that’ll just have me feeling like a fool and a failure in the end, who’ll just end up saying how I should’ve known better than to hope.

I know no bed can make me pregnant. Sterile is sterile bed or no bed, but will God just let us have this added normality and let us be sexually? I hope so and that’s the problem. I very seldom get my hopes up cuz I’m such a pessimist and when I do, believe me, it’s a bust.

I asked Tom if he thought it’d make a difference in the sex if I slept when he did and got up when he did, versus laid down with him till he fell asleep, then got up, then laid back down with him as he was getting up and he said yes. He said that that didn’t mean that it’d be hopeless if I couldn’t get on this schedule, I’ve tried for over 10 years to get on, but that it would affect it.

I’m also not too happy with the way he’s been rather short with me lately. I don’t know if he loves me less than he did in the beginning or if he’s not as attracted to me, but he seems like he’s having a harder time being as patient, tolerable and accepting of my ways lately (when I cry, repeat myself, or go on and on about being happy about something, etc). After being down and literally hopeless for so long, as far as our dreams and more happiness go, I was really psyched up when he explained this bed thing to me, so over and over again I told him that even though seeing is believing for me, and I still feel God’s sealed our fate as far as the kid goes and that I don’t know how the hell I’m gonna get on whatever schedule he’ll be on, I feel the most hopeful ever, about our dreams and happiness. He said he knew; I’d told him enough times. I told him that that was just my way of expressing myself and that I thought it was better than me crying. He said he didn’t think it was much different. Well, then if he doesn’t really like it when I cry or go on about how good I feel over something, how am I gonna know what to say and how often to say it? I mean, he knew that I was this way before we got married, and even though I love this guy to death, hope this bed really does help us, I feel like I’ve got to change my whole personality and my whole life. Meaning, I have to pay closer attention to what I say and how much I say it, so he won’t get frustrated with me and lose patience and tolerance, then I have to figure out how I’m gonna get on a schedule after all this time.

I’m not saying that I don’t still love Tom and that I’m perfect. I know that I, too, can be impatient and that I can get frustrated with him and lack tolerance, and I’ll work on that the best I can, but maybe the word communication should be changed to either fight or argue. It does seem like the more people talk, the more they fight and argue and maybe you really do have to fight, argue, yell, and get angry and frustrated to get your point across, so maybe I ought to just keep more things to myself. I love this guy and I want to spend the rest of my life with him no matter what, but I wish the squabbling over the same few issues could stop. For once and for all. Cuz I don’t need it anymore.

I just want to move on. I just want a normal sex life and a child. Is that too much to ask for? Yes. As long as it’s me asking for it, it’s too much to ask for.

There’s going to be a meteor shower at around 10:00, so in a half-hour, I’ll get him up from his nap. He’ll be leaving tonight at 12:30.

Later...

The shooting stars were nice to see, although I only saw a few and for only a second. The lights in the city make them hard to see.

Tom mowed the grass. It really needed it, but cuz he was sick, it hadn’t been getting done. It looks nice freshly cut.

I know the truth. That this bed will not change anything. I wish to hell it could and that I could be pleasantly surprised with both a great sex life and a child, but I know God and I know my fate. I also fear that Tom doesn’t just think it’ll change anything, but he knows it won’t change anything and is just teasing me with false hopes.

Also, I love my husband dearly, but today was one of the classic examples of how he uses the lamest excuses that I just can’t buy, as to why he can’t screw. Just 5 hours after he’s been up, he’s saying he’s already tired. He’s tired? He’s tired!? Well, is this guy ever gonna wake the fuck up? He said that driving stresses him out and tires him out. Well, no wonder he’s tired every day. He drives every day. So what - we have to have him get rides, take buses or cabs in order to be able to keep up with me sexually? He tells me he has more energy now at 40 than he did at 20. That’s scary. What’d he do then - only screw once a year? This man has tremendous energy for staying up long, adapting his schedule, doing physical projects for hours and much more. But he has no energy for sex? He’s got to be like an old man in bed? How can he have so much energy to do projects that are quite physical and all the other stuff he does, yet act like he’s an 80-year-old man in bed most of the time? I just don’t get it, so maybe he will be right. Maybe the answer is the bed and that’s what he’s needed all along. If this bed doesn’t change anything, as I fear it won’t, then nothing will and all the more I’ll feel he’s full of shit. That he doesn’t desire me all that much and that he really doesn’t want a kid. Each year that goes by that we’re in this situation, I find it harder and harder to believe anything he says. And of course, there’s no help from God.

I wish to hell that I could know that God never intended to keep me from my dream and that he was just waiting for this bed, but no way. That sounds too simple of a solution. Just too good to be true. I just can’t imagine a bed changing anyone’s life like that and I still know I’m sterile. So, even if he’s right, and we have more sex and he injects me like crazy, there still won’t be a baby. I can’t wait to see his reaction to that. Will he still be saying I’m OK? Or will he acknowledge that I was right all along and maybe bring up the subject of a doctor? I know I’m still very very hesitant about that idea, cuz fate is fate. It won’t do us any good and knowing that we lost thousands of dollars to a miscarriage and to be reinforced of God’s unfairness and cruelty, won’t do a damn thing to help my mental state. I’d hate to think that God could hate anyone so much as to hex their sex life, not allow them to conceive when it does go normally, then have them lose a doctor-made baby that they spent thousands on, but look at Jon Bonet Ramsey. Here’s this gorgeous 6-year-old girl that was in some beauty pageant and look what happened to her. She was raped and murdered. That takes hate. From two sources. The man that did this and the source up in the sky that allowed it to happen. And people say these things happen for a reason? Oh, bullshit!