Not a very exciting selection of DOs for my final 1st and 2nd shift. We had shitface Mejia on, and now Redpath’s on. I wonder – will Temple make it in tonight? I’d settle for Pérez or Tate, if not.

Thanks to being too wound up and excited to sleep, and thanks to Baldilocks and her fucking mouth, I’m dead tired. I’ve been up since around 10:00, and I hope to nap sometime today, but I’m just too excited!

According to Misha, friends and relatives can help with community service. That’s good, but I wasn’t happy to hear that we might have to pay for those joke classes they want me to take. Every time I think the freeloaders have taken all the money they’re going to take from us, I turn around and there’s another thing we gotta dole out money for on account of them! It never ends!

Sometimes I wish I had a peephole into the future and could take a quick peek 5 years from now. What will my life be like then? The same? Better? Worse? Will we have a pool? Porches? Horses? Fences? Will Teddy Bear be a part of my life? Will the freeloaders?

I was utterly stunned to learn that Misha has no kids. I thought I was the only one here that didn’t. She says she’s going to have them as soon as she leaves.

That’s not the way it works.

Anyway, I’m left to forever wonder – what would Teddy Bear have said or done differently if Misha hadn’t been in the picture?

When I told her I believed she was the main reason I was meant to be here, she seemed truly flattered, saying, “Oh, how sweet.”

From down in the dayroom, I noticed her ring was gone.

I wonder if I had anything to do with that.

She was telling me they call her Means. I guess it’s because of the red hair, but I could personally slap anyone who called her Means. Means is short and ugly with short hair and glasses. Teddy Bear’s tall and good-looking with long hair and no glasses. How can people be stupid enough to mix them up just because they’re both redheads?

On her last walk, when I went to tell her why I believed this was all meant to happen, she seemed reluctant to open the door at first. It was as if she was afraid I’d grab her and hug her or something. She said to give her my hand when she opened the door. I did and she shook it and she wished me good luck.

Doesn’t she know that I know better, though? I know inmates and DOs aren’t allowed to hug. I think she thinks I’m dumb or something, but I’d rather her think I’m some brainless idiot than to have her screw me over.

God, please look out for my Teddy Bear! Please don’t let her get harmed if there are any riots, and please don’t let her get sick or in any accidents.

Well, I’m going to try to nap now, or at least just lay there. I’ll relax and listen to music till it’s time, after spending 180 days in this place, for A638593 to roll up for the final time!

She’s here!!! Yes, my woman did make it back, after all. I figured she would.

Woodruff worked for the first time ever. The one that was rude to me at Visitation. She was very nice to me today, though.

Baldilocks woke Misha and I up, but I managed to sleep on and off till 12:30 when our hour out came up. I shaved and washed my hair in case I’m too tired to go out tomorrow.

I gave Tiffany a few extra pieces of paper and I wrote: Be quiet and don’t beg!

She laughed at that one.

Anyway, my woman was smiling brightly when she saw me waiting at the door for her when she came through the door.

“Is this the day?” she asks, but I know she knows better. Just one more full day!

I gave her the kite and the rat picture that lived in the door for the last few weeks. She was happy to receive them.

I tried to ease any concerns she may’ve had about us talking, by letting her know Misha sleeps a lot, and she said, “Oh, she doesn’t mind?”

She hasn’t checked out the properties yet, she said, because her other job threw more work at her.

She just did her third walk, offering Tylenol. I asked if she requested to be here, and she confirmed that she did. She said she tried to get in yesterday, but couldn’t, and doesn’t know where she’ll be tomorrow.

I wonder what she said to get in here. Certainly, she couldn’t have come out and said, “Well, there’s this inmate I like that also likes me that’s leaving soon…”

---

She’s been busy moving people on her last couple of walks. One of the Mexican girls is freaking out right now. Teddy Bear just asked her something in Spanish, but all I could hear was “por que.”

Before this, she passed by while I was on the bed browsing through papers, and she goes, “Hey, Dawn,” in a soft, singsong sort of voice, then said a few more words I couldn’t make out before moving on.

I’d have to be hit by a Mac truck not to know she likes me.

---

Wow! That’s the first time I was complimented on my many gray hairs! I always hated them because these gray hairs don’t look like normal gray hairs. The fucking things look like spider webs. They’re so shiny that it looks like I walked into a giant web or something. Anyway, I asked for her opinion on whether or not I should dye my hair red, and should I go with auburn or a bright, pinkish shade of red, and she said she always thought my gray hairs were so attractive because I have the perfect coloring for that salt and pepper look, and it goes well with my blue-green eyes (which I pointed out are really olive). She said she liked that because they’re unusual. I told her I like her brown eyes which are the color of weak coffee, and often wished my own eyes were brown.

Normally I don’t like red hair, but hers is gorgeous. I don’t like bright fiery red or orangey-red. Hers isn’t like that. It’s a softer shade of red with beautiful gold highlights.

True to Misha’s word, she’s been sleeping ever since Teddy Bear came on (or at least pretending to). She’s not very happy right now. She really counted on getting out of here Wednesday and hasn’t gotten her psych meds.

Although I’ve heard Teddy Bear yell at a few people, it hasn’t seemed to put a damper on her jovial mood. She said she hasn’t read the kite yet because they’ve all been driving her crazy and keeping her busy.

They picked the wrong fucking night for this shit! And why couldn’t Misha have disappeared just until 3rd shift?

I hear Marla bitching at her right now.

Mace the bitch, Teddy Bear!

Dios mios! Miss Mexico’s crying again now, too. Water and electricity don’t mix. Why don’t you zap those tears away, Teddy Bear!

I know I sound so mean and insensitive, seeing that I was pretty hysterical myself when I first came here. I just needed that fucking inhaler, and everything went wrong that day so I got fed up.

---

My second to last dinner was this gross meat patty of some kind in runny, bland mashed potatoes that neither of us ate. I’m sure my last dinner will be hot dogs.

Although Misha only got up for dinner, then made earplugs and went back to sleep, Teddy Bear admitted she had been a little hesitant there, but I assured her she couldn’t hear shit, and she chatted with me. That is after things simmered down.

She doesn’t blush anymore with me. Misha thinks it’s because she’s comfortable with me now.

Misha thinks she smokes. I hope not! But I don’t think so. Her teeth are too white for that. I don’t think she even drinks coffee. I never smell smoke on her. I never smell anything on her. No perfume or anything like that. No drugs or alcohol that I can sense, either.

I asked Teddy Bear why she didn’t have more of an accent being from Georgia, and she said she was not originally from there. I asked her where she was originally from and she said California.

Unfortunately, her bird’s sick. I guess the AC got to it, so she put it outside. That bird’s going to die. I saw it, but I didn’t tell her. How sad, though. I hope she finds another one she likes that’ll live longer.

When we came up with our dinner trays, I told her to let me know when it was her final walk, so I could tell her something that I wanted to wait till then to tell her. She said OK, and smiled happily.

I’ve never seen this woman smile so much. I swear she’s been acting like she won the lottery for the last few weeks.

I showed and explained to her about my ear from the surgery I had in Boston in the 70s to build an outer ear, to dismantling it in ‘94 and getting the surgically drilled canal. I told her that although they built an eardrum, I didn’t get shit for hearing in that ear, but am used to it because it’s always been that way.

She said she’s seen my ear before.

She has? Must’ve been when I had it pulled back in a ponytail.

She said I did really well with the Spanish in my kite.

I told her the names of those who I thought were the worst and best-looking DOs. When I said she was one of the best, she said, “How sweet.”

There is one thing Misha and I actually agree on and that’s that we don’t think she’ll wait a whole year. I think she’ll contact me before Christmas. She’s definitely not going to contact me within a few months because she’s testing me. Just like I tested her, she’s got to make sure I’m for real. Seeing is believing for most of us, and she’s got to see that I’m not some psycho stalker and that I don’t return here like most of them do.

The reason I tested her by telling her things like how I broke my arm, my ear, and my driving phobia, was to make sure she knew up front that I’m different, although the jumping out windows isn’t that unique. More people try to kill themselves than feel uncomfortable driving or have 1½ outer ears, 1 fake ear canal, and no hearing on one side. So far, I’d say her accepting people as they are is one of her best traits. That and her sense of humor and her being so brainy. I wonder how many languages she knows.

Misha and I have been debating all kinds of things about her like a couple of trial lawyers. It’s pretty funny. Besides, what else have we got better to do?

Anyway, her best physical qualities are her height, her eyes, that nice, firm ass and believe it or not, I really do like her hair color. It’s hard to tell in her uniform, but I think she might have nice legs, too. It’s as if anything that’s a part of her suddenly becomes beautiful. If she’d been a blond, she’d make that seem beautiful too, and I was never a fan of blond hair, either.

As far as window-jumping and funny ears go, she seems to be pretty accepting and doesn’t seem like the type to judge me by my past or anything like that. Even so, I probably won’t tell her too much more about my back east life. Too many people have either gotten uncomfortable with it or thought I was seeking their pity. What was I to do, though, when people would ask about my life? Lie? I don’t think so, and besides, they asked. So if they couldn’t handle the answer, that was their problem. I could care less about what 99% of the population thinks about anything as far as my past or present goes. I’ll tell a complete stranger my life story. I just don’t care. But Teddy Bear’s different. With her, I do care. Unlike with Teddy Bear, I don’t care that my own mother-in-law read that bullshit article on me.

Barajas just did her last walk, telling me to behave and not to let her see me again.

No problem.

My Teddy Bear should be here any sec! I’ll be pissed that I went through the hassle of applying this makeup for no reason if she doesn’t show up. More so, I’ll be bummed. But if she doesn’t make it in, I’m sure it’s not her fault. Anything could come up.

It hit 102° yesterday – wow!

Got quite a letter from Tom yesterday, basically saying how excited he is about me coming home. Me too!!!!! It’s hard to believe the time has just about come!

When Hann was on, she announced that a juvi was in need of batteries. I yelled down that I had some.

“Oh, you’re nice,” she said.

“It must be Sonja G,” I said, and she said it was. There must not have been as much juice left as I thought in those other batteries I gave her.

Hann also confirmed my doubts about Sonja stabbing anyone. She didn’t stab anyone. She’s a gangster druggie. And she’s 14, not 12.

When I went to give rooms 4 and 5 some cookies, since I got way more shit than I can eat, I told Hann a joke. She said, “I was wondering if I was going to get one from you.”

---

Fuck! It’s Maddox. Oh, Teddy Bear, where are you? I just want to cry right now! Well, hopefully she’ll still make it in before I leave. I would think she’d try to, anyway. At least I’ll see her again someday, if not. I’ll save her kite and give it to her in the future if I have to.

Even Misha helped me prepare for this little date by doing my lips for me. She got a kick out of how I sounded like a spoiled kid when I saw it was Maddox and began whining, “I want my Teddy Bear!”

I couldn’t ask for a better celly. She’s been in bed since 3 PM yesterday. All she did was get up for dinner, then to use the phone, then for our hour out. We were first, so I simply showered, then stuck my earplug in and slept on and off till noon.

We went from Vasquez to Hann. Vasquez said she’ll be thinking of me on Sunday.

Even Vasquez was bitching about Baldilocks.

I finally got caught up on my sleep and slept till 11:30. Even so, I had a horrible dream last night. Totally depressing. I was being released, and after 10 hours of waiting, Tom never showed up. I asked this guy sitting at this desk to get Officer R. D. Johnson for me and he told me to pick another Officer. I said I didn’t want to pick another Officer, and he asked me why I thought she could help me. I said I didn’t know for sure if she could, but I had to try something. Then I saw her walking down a nearby hall and I ran to her. She totally acted as if she didn’t know me!

Another funny thing that happened when Teddy Bear was here was that she didn’t hold my door open and wait for me to return with my dinner tray like she usually does for everyone. So on my way back up from down in the dayroom, she asked if I could manage the door. I said, “Yeah, I think so, but if I drop this, it’s all your fault.”

She smiled and said, “Well, you better not drop it then.”

It was so funny too, how she started saying goodnight to me when she still had 3 walks left. She even asked if I wanted my light off on the second to last walk. She normally lets 3rd shift do that. On her last walk, she’s peering in the window saying her final good night, then she goes, “Are you in there?”

I said, “Yeah, I’m in here. Where else would I be?”

I should’ve told her I was abducted by aliens who dropped me off at her place.

Then she looked at the keyhole, hesitated a moment as if she were deciding whether or not to open the door, then left.

I wonder – does Teddy Bear ever fantasize about me? Has Tom been wet dreaming of me since I’ve been gone? Or just missing me?

I can’t picture Teddy Bear with someone like Palma. That doesn’t seem to be her type. I get the impression Teddy Bear doesn’t like Palma anyway.

I wrote a kite up for her for tomorrow. More guessing games in this kite, only she gets to do the guessing. I told her Misha and I were discussing the best and worst looking DOs – can she guess who I picked? The 4 worst looking ones I picked were Misery, Bunch, Arajo and Means. Of course, she and Palma are the best-looking two I picked, but she’ll never guess Palma’s one of them. She doesn’t even know I once was crushing on her.

Anyway, if I had to pick two favorites on each shift, I’d pick Espi and Chambers for 1st, Teddy Bear and Palma for 2nd, and Pérez and Temple for 3rd.

I told her that together, Misha and I decided she’s a Rebecca, a Renee or a Rachel. Hope it’s not Ronda, although that’d be much better than Rhoda or Rita, but if it is, it is. It’s just a name, after all, although I’ll probably always call her Teddy Bear unless she gets sick of that.

I also told her that although I understand she has to be professional, in a sense, and never actually came out and told me she believed in my innocence, I always got the feeling she did, and I thanked her for believing in me. It means a lot to me. Especially coming from her.

Lastly, since she knows Spanish, I wrote a few sentences in Spanish, saying how I only knew a couple of sentences in German and maybe she can teach me more someday. Then again, German is pretty ugly, so maybe not.

Misha came back from court shortly after I awoke. I was right. She’s not going home. Maybe next week. We had our hour out, talked a bit, then she hit the sack.

I chatted with most of the pod on my hour out. Mattie said goodbye to me. She leaves tonight. Myra says they could come to get me as late as 8:00–9:00 in the morning. I hope not! But I know I can’t be released before it’s light out.

I also met Sonja on my hour out. A bunch of juvies was just outside the dayroom sharpening their pencils when I asked which one was Sonja. She was sitting on the floor sharpening pencils. She’s just a little scrap of a thing.

Sonja said she was rolled out of that room because she was having trouble sleeping in there. So that’s why I haven’t heard from her.

I asked Vasquez if she could give her some batteries for me. She said, “Yeah, but I can’t let you talk to each other.” It was cool of her to pass the batteries for me.

The hot dog curse is not over, not surprisingly. Thank God I’m outa here soon!

Misha said she was with a woman a long time ago. She asked me if Tom was jealous of me liking women, but as I told her, he’s OK with it. Like a lot of guys, if it’s another woman, it’s OK. Fortunately, though, he’s not into threesomes anymore than I am. Two’s company and three’s definitely a crowd!

How would I feel if he wanted to see a woman or a man on the side, though he’s as straight as an arrow, and has never seen anyone on the side so far? As long as I was his number one and knew he was coming home to me in the end, I’d want him to do whatever made him happy.

Tate was on last night. She saw me at the door from down below and smiled up at me. When I told her my hours, she was like, “See? It goes faster when you count by hours.”

She was saying how I wouldn’t even smile at first (there was nothing to smile about), and that maybe she’ll be here Sunday so I can tell her I have no hours left. I told her Temple said she might be in that night, but we’ll see.

After Tom left yesterday, I saw Teresa out in the open-contact visitation area. I waved to her, and incredibly, she started fingerspelling to me. Not signing, but spelling. She asked if Laticia and Nancy were still there, and told me she lost my address. I told her I remembered her booking number and will write to her. All past problems between her and I are done and over with as far as I’m concerned.

Teresa and I were just finishing up our little convo when one of the sergeants came to get me. She was funny, pretending to imitate our fingerspelling. She’s cool for a sergeant.

Oh, I just knew it. Misha met with her lawyer and she’s not going home tomorrow. She’s going to court, but it’s just going to be a dry run. I hope it won’t make Teddy Bear clam up, even though Misha says she’ll kindly hide under her blanket. As she reminded me, though – she does sleep a lot and she knows it.

It was nice getting soda with last night’s commissary, my final order!

Got quite a goodbye from that obnoxious Chavez, but it was still nice of her to take the time to say goodbye. She’s going to Vegas on vacation. We chatted about that for a few minutes. She says the same thing – that every time her husband goes near her, she starts losing. That’s what Tom does to me; hexes my slot machines on me.

Espi came back one last time like I was hoping she would. She said she almost didn’t make it back.

I was dead tired, thanks to Baldilocks (Zapata) and her loud mouth, along with Mattie, who’s leaving Thursday. They were out first and second. Meanwhile, I noticed Espi was letting people out in an odd order. She was supposed to go 2, 3, 4, 5, 1, but she went 1, 2, 5, 4, 3. When I asked her about it, she smiled at me and said, “Oh, I screwed up. Besides, you guys seem like late risers anyway.”

She knows I don’t get up early, and I don’t think she “screwed up.” I think this is a little going away present from her, which is very nice of her.

I cracked her up with more jokes and she cracked me up with a comment she made about Baldilocks, who has a bad leg and uses a cane. I was bitching about how loud she is, and Espi said, “Yeah, she’s a nut. I’d like to beat her to death with her own cane.”

Yeah, I wanted to shove it up her ass really good, believe me!

Beverly was being a major pest again, begging for this and begging for that. I gave her my lunch because I never want it anyway. I asked Espi to let me put it outside the door while she was out (so she wouldn’t be at our door pestering us), and made the comment to Espi about her being a pest. “Yes, she is,” agreed Espi. Obviously, Tiffany can’t stand her either, judging by the way she was looking up at me and pulling her hair, then pointing to Beverly.

Espi said goodbye on her last walk, wishing me the best. I’m definitely going to miss her. I told her she was my favorite 1st shift DO, then she goes, “Don’t tell anyone that. They’ll roll me up!”

What’s that supposed to mean?

Mattie and Sarah got a little pesky too, but I felt bad for them, so I gave them a brownie and a few cookies, and they gave me some paper which I’m using for kites/journal notes.

This cell really is dark compared to all the others. From down in the dayroom, it looked like the light was off in here.

The best part of the day was seeing Tom. Cedeño woke me from a nap to see him, and I rambled on excitedly, filling him in on Misha, Teddy Bear, etc. It was our last visit! Again, Misery was doing visitation.

Tom was very tired. Got a letter from him today too, but since I have the letters all at home on the computer, I won’t get into it much. He just said that working makes the days go by faster, he can’t wait to pick me up, etc.

Tomaszewski cellied me today after 4 people came to M Dorm. I got the best one – Misha N. She’s a lot like Tiffany, who was quiet, sane and slept a lot. She has her own commissary too, and says she sleeps from around 11 PM - 3 PM. Great! She takes Prozac, too.

She’s my age and is in for manufacturing, though she says that’s not what she’s guilty of. She said she ran an escort service. She goes to court on Wednesday and thinks she might go home that day. She doesn’t have a great face, but she has a body to die for.

She’s easy to talk to and she’s had some interesting stories to tell me. She’s had pet rats, too.

I told her about Teddy Bear. Misha agrees Teddy Bear’s funny and cute when she blushes, though she has no crush on her or any other DO. She digs how shy, yet cool Teddy Bear is, too.

She said she seems like a lonely person. That’s the impression I’ve been getting lately too; that’s she’s all alone. All she ever talks about is her bird and other pets she’s had. Never a lover, kids, or anyone living with her.

Misha says it does sound like Teddy Bear likes me, yes she always thought she was gay, and she always thought Palma was bi, too. I told her that I was afraid I may’ve been too subtle in getting my message across to Teddy Bear about my liking her, yet Misha says she’d have to be hit by a Mac truck not to know. I’m 99.9% sure, though, that she likes me and knows I like her.

Misha asked if Tom minded and I told her he didn’t. That’s what makes this guy so great. He’s him, I’m me, and he doesn’t try to control or change me. He’s not the jealous, insecure type.

I only slept 2-3 hours between the excitement of leaving and thoughts of Teddy Bear and our talks. At least I was already up when Misha came. It’s nice to have been awake for once upon getting a new celly.

Thank God I’m not in 2 or 5 because it’d be thunderous. It’s like A Tower right now with everyone screaming through the vents.

The pregnant black chick returned to A Tower, so there are still one or two beds available. Zapata, who nobody likes, is alone in 2. She was here last when Ida was here. Then there’s a nut next door named Beverly, who I’m really lucky I didn’t get. According to Misha, she’s a major beggar. Yeah, I can already see that. She was begging for Misha’s lunch earlier.

Before I finish up with when Teddy Bear was last here – I know now why I was meant to be here. They were right, all those that said there’s a reason for everything. I believe there’s a reason for everything too, but I thought the reason for my being here was because something wanted to punish me. I still believe that, and I’ll always believe that. However, I know now that one of the biggest reasons I was meant to be here was to meet Teddy Bear. There really would’ve been no other way for us to meet. Not with me living like a hermit way out in Nowhere Land. Therefore, we had to be forced to come in contact with each other. What better way than to have me thrown in jail, huh?

Misha takes no offense to my hoping she’ll be out of here Wednesday. I never thought I’d be wishing for a good celly to hurry up and leave! Normally, I try to hang onto them as long as I can to spare myself from any psychos, but I really hope she’s gone before Teddy Bear returns. She’s going to be pretty reserved, understandably, if Misha’s still here when she gets back, even though nothing she’s said or done could get her in trouble. She’s still been a DO in every sense of the word. There’s been nothing unprofessional about her just because we like each other.

Teddy Bear said she’d be back Monday or Thursday. It’s Monday now and Chavez is on, so that leaves Thursday. Good. That’ll give Misha time to get out of here and me time to catch up on my sleep.

Oh, please! A whole 20 minutes before she serves chow, Chavez tells us to get ready for chow.

What does she expect us to do? Brush our teeth? Curl our hair? Put on makeup? Fancy dresses?

---

We finally had chicken on the bone. I think the hot dog curse might finally be over, too. Teddy Bear said that maybe the combination of her and Jane (Peaches) being here is what brought it on. I think they may’ve actually run out of the fucking things.

Sonja, which is the kid’s name next door, has been quiet. She yelled to me last night that she would tell her next-door neighbors to quit banging. She yelled at them that she wanted to go to sleep. I told her I wouldn’t forget to roll the batteries under the door on Saturday.

I was surprised when Teddy Bear told me she gets that moon face when she eats too much meat. Maybe she puts bad stuff on it or maybe she’s mostly talking about fried meat because meat shouldn’t make moon faces.

She says my face isn’t that bad.

Yes, it is.

Then she goes on to say that the image of beauty has changed and sunken cheeks are no longer in.

Ain’t no beauty in this beach ball of a face!

She’s off Tuesday and Wednesday, saying that on Tuesday she’s helping a friend move. I wonder if her friend’s gay, too.

Wednesday, she says she’s starting a whole new business, and I was like – damn! Three jobs?! She’s superwoman, she says. She sure is and I wonder if this would mean she’d look down upon homemakers. Everyone else but Tom does, so why wouldn’t she?

I used to think that anyone that could think of being with someone else while they’re already with someone can’t love the person they were with to begin with, but now I see I was wrong about that (just like I used to think all people that went to jail were scum that deserved what they got). Tom’s Tom and Teddy Bear’s Teddy Bear. There’s no connection, despite some of their similarities and my being bored with sex with Tom. It’s not that he’s bad in bed. It just gets old after so many years and I just miss being with a woman. Another thing is that this isn’t something you exactly plan, either. I didn’t plan to fall for her. It just happened. We don’t really have any control over who we like and are attracted to any more than we can choose what colors or flavors we like.

I still can’t say for sure that anything will happen between Teddy Bear and I, but I think it will. We both like each other and I can’t see why it wouldn’t unless she met someone during the year. Someone who, unlike Tom, wouldn’t go for us getting together in any way shape or form. Although I’ve never been with a woman since being with Tom since April of ‘93, I think we knew I would eventually be with one here and there, but certainly not just anyone, since I’m so damn picky and rarely meet new people being the homebody I am. I’m sure neither of us ever thought it’d be a DO in a jail that I was in!

I think I’ve been needing a woman in my life more than I realized. How nice it would be to have a lady in my life who’s in the same state, who’s gay, who has a great personality and great looks, too! I think it would really make my life complete.

I wish I could say it was just lust that I felt for Teddy Bear, but I’d be lying if I said I didn’t have some feelings for her. How could I not after all she’s done for me? I try to tell myself I can’t possibly feel the way I do since I don’t really know her, but I know what I’m feeling. She’s just as good on the inside as she is on the outside. Yes, I’ve seen her have her moods just like anyone else, but 90% of the time she’s so bright and cheery. She’s got a great sense of humor and she’s so smart. She really has a wonderful personality and I see how easily someone could love her. When she’s on, I know I’m going to be OK. She really cares about me and I could never take all the help she’s given me for granted. She really made my life here a lot easier. Not just by chatting with me, but by keeping me alone as much as she could. Especially since, in the end there, a lot of my cellies were either crazy or hitting on me or both. It shocks me to think – an authority figure that likes me?! That didn’t take advantage of her power over me and fuck me over in any way?! That actually cared enough to help me?!

Do I think she’ll change into some monster? Maybe with a serious brain tumor or two, but no, I don’t think Teddy Bear has any hidden demons in her. I don’t think she’s wearing any kind of a mask and putting on an act to cover up any hidden beasts inside her. Nobody can act that well, anyway. Not even me, and I may be an average singer, but I’m an excellent actress.

Misha was pointing out how much bigger she is than me, though she thinks we’d look good together – her with this cute little fem-fem, she says. Yes, there’s quite a height difference, but I like that. I’ve never been with a woman as tall as she is, but believe me, I adore all 5’ 10” of her.

At first, even I asked myself – do I really want to be with someone who could break me in half so easily? But she doesn’t seem to have a violent streak of any kind and I don’t sense any danger. Like I said before, I’d feel safe with her. Not threatened. She probably only swears once for every dozen times that I swear, too.

She sure is strong, though. Once, when she moved me to 3, I was struggling to throw the extra mattress up top. She took it from me, looked down at me and said, “You don’t have to help me,” with a bit of an amused look on her face, then hurled the thing up there like it was as light as a feather. I was like – wow! And she seemed so happy to help me too, like it made her feel really good or something. It was rather sweet.

I remember when I first saw her. At least I think the first time I saw her was in November when Kim and I were in 5. She was running up the stairs. She seemed so happy and energetic, too. So full of life. But then I ended up spending 95% of the first two months in A Tower and Palma diverted my attention away from her. Believe me, though, there’s nothing at this point short of Teddy Bear herself not wanting anything to do with me that could divert my attention from her. This is omitting Tom, of course.

Payback will come soon enough. She did for me and I’m going to do for her. At least I hope I get the opportunity to if she really is lonely. Well, Teddy Bear, if you are lonely and you still want to get together, I promise you you won’t be lonely anymore!

I wouldn’t care if she talked non-stop, either, because she’s always got funny and interesting things to say. I’ll spend all the time I can with her. Not just because of all she’s done for me, but because I’ll want to. I’ll be there if she ever needs a shoulder to cry on just like she was there to listen to me pour all my troubles and frustrations out on her.

Living a “double life” might be fun and adventurous and I think I’d like the variety. She and Tom work different schedules so the time I spent with one wouldn’t interfere with the time I spent with the other. Of course, I don’t know how she’ll feel about a part-time relationship. I know that someday she’s going to meet someone she’ll want to be with full-time and I’ll never see her again, but I believe that we all need to just take whatever time we can get with those we care about. Teddy Bear may decide she’s all or nothing and not want anyone part-time. After all, it wouldn’t be fair to her to expect her to always be someone I see on the side. She’s going to want someone who’ll live with her and be with her every day. Someone more suitable for her than I am. She does seem like the all-or-nothing type, too. On the other hand, keeping it part-time might keep it special for both of us. She may like the idea of having a live-in that she’s with full-time like I am, but then having a lady on the side, too.

This is where Misha and I disagree with each other. She thinks I am suitable for her and that I’ll end up leaving Tom for her. Her attitude is basically – I’m gay so I belong with a woman. I know Tom’s a big boy who could get along just fine without me, but I just couldn’t go dumping on him like that, and the reason I don’t think she’d find me suitable for her is that we’re different. I like opposites, but most people like equals, although Misha thinks that our different personalities would be something she’d like. She thinks she’d like my feisty, spunky ways and that we’d be good for each other and that I’d bring a little bit of wildness into her life and she’d bring a little bit of calmness into mine like Tom and I do with each other.

Like Tom, she’s more of a non-moody, passive type, whereas I’m an aggressive bitch, always whining and complaining. I agree that in a lot of ways we’d be good for each other and would enjoy each other’s company, but I think she’d get sick of me after a while. I don’t think she could enjoy living with me, but I sure wish I could hide out with her till April 29th!

I think the biggest problem would’ve been the job issue. It worried me a little when she mentioned all these different jobs. We’re living in a time when homemakers are labeled as lazy users. Even those who just had kids are expected to pick themselves up as soon as they leave the hospital, throw the kid in daycare, and get right back to work. Just like I would with anyone, though, I’ll dump her if she can’t accept me as I am. I am a homemaker and if I’m a lazy user, then so is Tom. If I’m using him for money, food and rides, then he’s using me as a cook and a housekeeper. It makes my blood boil when people say, “He works hard for you yet what do you do for him?”

I cook our food, I wash our clothes, I clean our house, I care for our pets, I give him emotional support when he needs it, I listen to him and much more so that he doesn’t have to on his days off. That’s what I do. So, as I’d tell anyone – if you’ve got a problem with me because I don’t work outside of the house and get a paycheck with my name on it, then don’t have anything to do with me.

Another area in which we may’ve clashed would be because she seems to be quite a people person and I’m not. So she may have had a lot of company. I wouldn’t have had to entertain them too, the whole time they were there, though. I could’ve gone off into another room to do my own thing, I suppose.

Nonetheless, if I were single, I’d love to be with someone like Teddy Bear. She would’ve been good for me. I don’t know how I know this. I just do.

Teddy Bear, will you be my husband in my next life? I promise I’ll get with the times then. For every one job you have, I’ll have two, and I promise not to clean or cook a damn thing!

We sure would’ve had an interesting story to tell those who asked us how we met, that’s for sure!

Misha thinks Teddy Bear would love to be the breadwinner since she’d be the dude in the relationship, but again, I disagree with that. I think she’d want a career person (Hey, she’ll just have to press her own shirts, clean her own house and cook her own damn food).

I also doubt she’d want someone so unique. Someone who doesn’t have a sleep/schedule disorder. Someone who doesn’t need to sleep with a fan on for both circulating air and to drown out background noise. Who doesn’t like to draw on walls and rock back and forth to music. Who doesn’t paint their nails blue, green, white, black, yellow, red, pink, purple, and every other color under the sun? She’s lucky I’m not like I was a decade ago! I pinched and squirted rude waitresses with coffee creamers, I threw snowballs I froze in my freezer at people, I stole books and CDs in the mail, I made prank phone calls to people with funny names, I shoved gum in keyholes, I mailed guinea pig turds to bosses that fired me, I crossed people on the phone using 3-way calling, I ordered and sent people pizzas, I called cabs for people, I called electric companies as other people and had their power turned off when they’d fuck me over.

I was a very naughty girl.

“I guess I just wouldn’t have seen much of her with all those jobs she’s got.”

“I think she’d quit some of them,” Misha said, “and remember, she’s well aware of the fact that you’re a convicted felon, and that guilty or not, you can’t exactly get a job easily enough. She knows you don’t drive and that if you worked 1st shift you’d rarely see each other. She knows that she’d have to be the one to pick you up at night if you worked 2nd shift when no buses were running. She also knows that if you worked 3rd shift she’d have to race home from work, then race back out to bring you to work. She wouldn’t want that, and besides, she strikes me as the jealous type, don’t you think?”

“Nope. I think she’s the kind that could take me or leave me if I was her girlfriend, though I must admit I’d be rather flattered at the idea of her being at least a little on the jealous side.”

Misha had a point about the job issue. I mean, what would I say I’ve been doing for the last 15 years? Hanging out at the beach? I can just see myself answering that question by saying, “Well, I was a housekeeper at a hotel when I was 20, but I got fired for punching out a coworker who lunged at me in a rather menacing way. Then my daddy had me thrown on disability, saying I should’ve been on it all along after the government screwed up. Then nearly a decade later I did some rather explicit modeling, sang a little bit, shook my ass in strip joints, became a homemaker, then became a convicted felon in another 5 years, only I truly am innocent.”

Although I decided Misha was dead serious about all she predicts for Teddy Bear and I, I still can’t see it. She made my heart skip a beat, though, when she made a major point – I couldn’t see myself getting married, either. I swore I’d never get with a guy. I was 1000% sure of it.

Little did I know I’d end up “twice loved,” so to speak. I feel doubly blessed to have two loves, a man and a woman.

I think the hardest part about being married is knowing I’ll never know for sure just what would’ve happened with Teddy Bear and I. It’s really neat to know I’d finally have someone and that I wouldn’t have been alone all my life like I thought I would before meeting Tom. Again, I just don’t know how far it would’ve gone or for how long. That’s something I’ll never know because I can’t throw away the 8 years I’ve been with Tom. Especially when 95% of it has been good. The only thing this marriage lacks is good sex. And I may not be attracted to him the way I am with Teddy Bear because you just can’t compare men and women, and I’ve always been more attracted to women in general, even if Teddy Bear’s not my usual type. With Tom, it’s more of a physical attraction, but it’s more sexual with Teddy Bear. I’m not going to lie - whenever I picture myself in intimate relations with someone, it’s her face I see. Still, you don’t throw away 8 good years with someone just because someone else turns you on and makes you laugh. The not knowing what was going on in Tom’s life would eat at me constantly. I’d always be wondering how he was, where he was, who he was with, if he was happy/healthy.

Also, I couldn’t just throw away this big, beautiful house and our land. I know houses are just material things, but there would be a major security risk in leaving Tom. If I left Tom and was with a woman, any woman, and that woman decided to toss me out on the street a year later, where would I go and what would I do? With asthma and allergies, I also need medical insurance, and the bigots of Arizona haven’t legalized gay marriages yet, so I’d be fucked right there without my own insurance.

Meanwhile, all I can do is guess as far as what it would have been like to be with her. If you asked me what I think will happen versus what I hope will happen, the answer’s different depending on how you asked. If I were single, I’d hope we’d love each other and be with each other full-time. I think she would’ve made me very happy and that I’d have loved being Dawn Johnson, and every day I’d be wondering what I did to deserve someone as wonderful as she is (like I do with Tom). I think she would’ve snored bad enough to make me want to stuff a rag down her throat, though!

I must admit that although curiosity sure is a killer at times, it is fun and kind of entertaining to close my eyes and wonder how things would’ve been. I see us in a lot of different scenarios, besides some rather explicit ones. I see us watching movies together, cuddling, talking, going places, etc.

Since I’m not single, all I can do is hope we’ll get together as much as possible and maybe even spend some nights with her. That’s what I hope will happen. What I think will happen is that we’ll get together once every 1-3 months. I think it’ll go beyond friendship and that it will be intimate, but again, I can’t guess as to the extent of it. Time will tell, though.

Would I feel guilty if we ever did it, be it just once or more than that? No. I’ve already let Tom know all about Teddy Bear. He knows what could happen, and he’s never uttered a word of protest, so I wouldn’t be “cheating” on him. Also, it’s a bit hard to feel guilty over something that just seems so right. At least the thought of it does, anyway.

Who knows, though? Maybe I’m way off. Maybe she’ll forget all about me. Maybe she’ll change her mind. Or maybe her feelings aren’t what I think they are. Maybe she’ll just want to be friends. Maybe she’ll have a wife by next year. Either way, I’ll take whatever time we may have with each other. She’s just so sweet!

“It’ll be Tom’s fault if you make it with her,” Misha told me.

“Why do you say that?”

“Because you said he neglected you sexually in the beginning.”

“That was in the beginning.”

“You’d be surprised how the past can affect the present.”

“Maybe so,” I said,” but I just don’t see a connection. He and she are two separate issues. My attraction for her would be the same with or without him in the picture and if we do anything, that too, will have nothing to do with him. This isn’t about me not being loved enough or anything like that. This is simply about me liking Teddy Bear and being attracted to her, and I’d have felt this way single or not.”

Tom’s lack of sexual drive turned me off a bit in the beginning, but now, it really doesn’t matter whether he was horny all the time or never horny.

Barajas is on. She called me tiger like she sometimes does, shocked that I wasn’t pissed at anyone at the moment. I was wondering if she’d come back so I could bug her before I left. She said she requested to be here. Especially after being in B tower for 4 days in a row. She’s been teasing me, as usual.

I’m not using this allergy spray as much because it causes a post-nasal drip.

---

Yes! Teddy Bear’s on! I don’t remember her ever working a Sunday before.

Although deep down I doubted it, I had a slight worry that something I said in my kite may’ve offended her, but she hasn’t seemed to be the least bit offended.

As soon as Estrella’s Finest hit my door on her first walk, I said, “What are you doing here on a Sunday?!”

“Isn’t this my usual day?” she asked, then guessed that I had 13 days when I really have 6 and that it’s been two weeks since she last saw me (not quite).

Sometimes it’s hard to tell if she’s just playing with me or if she really has these moments where she gets stuck on stupid.

She said she’d tell me about her bird later, she’s already training it, and it’s doing well. Then she flashed me a cheery smile and walked off.

On Teddy Bear’s second walk, she had to hurry by to enter names into the logbooks of those in Alpha who went to church.

Oh her third walk, she told me her cockatiel was doing this cute little canary dance. She thinks it learned that from the canaries it was near in the pet store. She said she’s afraid to let her bird out in case he gets out the door, and that she may be traumatizing it by picking it up. She said she wasn’t sure at first if it was wise to get an older bird, but that she’s an old bird herself. When I guessed her age to be 37, she wouldn’t tell me how old she really is, but I take it she’s a little older than me. Maybe she’s even in her early 40s, but I don’t think she could be that old. At least I was right in guessing her to be 5’ 10”.

I showed her the pictures, and she was like, “Wow, your hair really was long.”

No, Teddy Bear. I’m a pathological liar. I just made that up.

She liked the picture of me floating with the rat on me. We discussed me shooting a picture of her with her arms spread, then me blowing up a picture of her bird and placing it on her arm, and maybe a giant rat on the other (it’d be funny if I dressed up in her uniform and made pictures out of that, too). She said that could be her Christmas card to people.

This Christmas? Well, she has our number. I made sure of that so that she has the option of getting together with me sooner if she wants to. No one here has to know if we get together before a year’s up, but of course, this has to be her call. I wonder if she’d call if my letter didn’t make it to her next year if she didn’t decide to call before then. Well, whatever it is she decides to do, I’ll respect it.

When I put the pictures back in the envelope, I gave her a choice and asked if she wanted them. She said yes (wish I had a picture of her to drool over till I get to see her again!), then she left, bitching about how she has to pee every hour.

I let her walk by without bugging her a few times, and I even slipped her another kite, since her time is limited.

She told me she has another job. “Let’s just say it’s more physical than this,” she said. She says it’s delivering stuff.

These guessing games we’ve been playing are fun. Let’s see…I think she delivers furniture. Could be UPS or something like that, too.

She says she can find any place, drives everywhere, and doesn’t mind it.

“Good,” I told her, “because I have a phobia of driving,” which didn’t seem to bother her. I’ve been testing her, so to speak, to see if she’s really as accepting as she seems, letting her know that we really are quite different, even though we share a knack for languages and mice. I want to make sure she’s OK with that because most people wouldn’t be. So many people have been hesitant to associate with me because I don’t drive, because my interests are different than most people’s because I don’t always hear well, because of my background, etc. People expect perfection and for you to be willing to be molded into what they want, but I’ll be damned if I’ll become that way myself. I ain’t no piece of clay.

I shouldn’t talk, though, and bitch about how people always have a problem with me because I always have a problem with them. I’m so picky about who I hang out with, be it as a friend or more. I don’t settle for just anyone and it’s so very seldom that I just take to someone like I have with Teddy Bear. I’ve opened up to her in ways I haven’t with anyone else here. Being around her just feels – I don’t know – so right, I guess you could say. I feel like I’ve known her for years, although 6 months in this place feels like years anyway!

Anyway, I’m glad she won’t mind driving out to where we live. I hope we can hang out at each other’s places whenever we can. I guess I’m still hoping we’ll be a little more than friends, though I’ll settle happily for a friendship.

You know, speaking of Tom, she’s never mentioned him once since we became tight. Except for that one time she said I had a good-looking guy when she saw his picture, and the time she recognized him at Visitation, she never mentioned him. She’s never asked how old he is, if he’s from here, where he works - nothing.

When I told her I had a cockatiel story of my own to tell, the doofus goes, “OK, let me come back the next time so I can be ready.”

Whatever. She cracks me up at times, but her goofy ways give her character. So does her slight lisp.

She was a doof again when I kited her. When I slipped it through the door, she goes, “Oh, thanks. I’ll read it.”

Really? Gee, Teddy Bear, I thought you’d eat it!

I gave her the basic highlights of why I dumped my folks, but that before I did, I taped Art on America’s Funniest Home Videos, which we’d say was America’s Most Wanted. She said she’s got to see that.

Anyway, when I started off by telling her my family consisted of a bunch of psychotics, she laughed. I think she thought I was joking, but if she only knew! I’ll make sure she never does, though, unless I’m asked about it. She does know about my jumping out the window and breaking my arm when I was 17. God, I can’t believe I told her that! Fortunately, though, she doesn’t seem like the sick type who’d use that against me, not that I can see how she could. It’s just that people tend to use bad experiences or fears to spite you when they get pissed at you. I can’t picture her deliberately setting out to hurt anyone or being vindictive in any way, though. I wouldn’t be this way with her, no matter how good she looks, if I didn’t trust her. I’ll just dump her if she turns out to have any dark surprises hidden in her closet. Of course, that’s what I said about the freeloaders – we’ll just move and they’ll be out of our lives, but look where that got me! It was obviously easier said than done because we can’t get these people out of our lives no matter where we go or what we do!

In the kite, I told her there’s property for sale near us (Dan’s) in case she’s interested in country living. How awesome it’d be to have her for a neighbor! I’m sure that’ll be in my dreams only, though. At least I wouldn’t have had to worry about her saying I wrote her a threatening letter and that I must be prejudiced against redheads!

Teddy Bear really goes with this place, too. I mean, I can just picture her living out here. She looks like a country girl.

I’m straightening my hair the natural way, which means I’m using some rubber bands because I only have two cloth ones. I’m doing it now because I know Teddy Bear won’t take my rubber bands away. Most of them aren’t as strict as Palma, but the more they’ve gotten to know me, the less they bother me with shit like that, anyway.

---

My God, I don’t believe it! She just asked me how much they want for the property. You mean she’s actually interested? I drew her a map of the 4 lots – ours, next door’s, Dan’s, the rentals. I told her what little I knew about the places, and she says she’ll find them. I gave her George P’s name too, as well as names of realtors I could think of. She asked if you could see mountains and have horses out there. I assured her she could (how cozy – me riding a horse while snuggled up safe in the arms of my big, strong, warm Teddy Bear sitting behind me).

The thought of having Teddy Bear out there is too good to be true! Well, I think I can consider myself lucky just to have her as a part of my life, no matter where she lives. As I was told years ago – enjoy whatever time you can with those you like and care about. Enjoy the moment and just settle for whatever you can get because something’s better than nothing.

I’m getting the impression that she lives alone. That ring could mean anything. Maybe her ex died, or maybe it’s her mother’s or grandmother’s ring (I got the impression her mother might be dead because she never mentioned her). Or maybe she just wants people to think she’s married.

Well, one thing’s for sure – she definitely likes me! Yes, she likes me, she likes me, she likes me! If I’d known she was going to like me back, I’d have been blunter and slipped her a note saying: I like women, my husband doesn’t mind, you’re a really cool person, and a damn good-looking one, too! I like everything from how tall you are to the color of your hair. From those warm chocolate eyes to that perfect ass, and if the truth hurts and I’ve offended you in any way, please don’t beat me up too bad!

I guessed her middle name, which begins with a D, to be Diane.

“Wrong,” she said.

Then I guessed Dawn and she was like, “Oh, thank you, thank you. That’s a pretty one.”

Then I asked her what she’d guess my name to be if she didn’t know what my ugly name was. When she came back after taking some time to think about it, she said she’d guess I was a Dawn or an April.”

I could hug her for that one, I told her.

When she comes in here the next time, I’ll try to see what I can vibe from her as far as the ring goes.

---

Well, that didn’t tell me much. All I got was a slight vibe saying that her favorite color might be blue, and she might dig country music. I don’t think I can even see her sign. I just know she can’t be a Sagittarius because I’m a Sagittarius and our personalities are too different. I don’t think she’s artistic, either. I didn’t see that. She can’t be a Gemini because she’s not a domineering bitch, Leo is the sign for crazy people, Aquarius is the sign for gay guys, and Taurus is the sign of the bull butch. She’s not a bull butch any more than feminine, so that leaves the sign for the brainy workaholics – Virgo. As mellow as she usually is, she could be Cancer like Tom, but I don’t know. I doubt she’s an Aries. That’s for desperate people. Scorpios are obsessive. I’m not really big on astrology, though. I just know the basics. Fortunately, I don’t think she’d be creeped out by people like me.

When she came in to offer Tylenol and Tums, she took my commissary sheet and said, “Let’s see what you say you’re going to be pigging out on (I told her I was going to order a bunch of shit for my last order). Pain relievers? Is that for after you pig out?”

“Or the headaches this place brings me,” I told her, “and for the weight of my hair, but I don’t want to cut it again.”

“So don’t,” she said.

It’s already just above my waist. I’ve been thinking of growing it long again. Maybe I will. Andy would say, “As if it wasn’t long already!” but no, it’s not. Not after being able to sit on it. This is rather short in comparison.

I wonder if he still does Stevie in drag. Poor Andy. Living in gay bars and getting high, having anything but a “gay old time.”

I said to Teddy Bear, “Just think of how much quieter it’ll be without me here to run up to the door and bug you when I leave.”

She looked away for a second as a slight look of sadness came over her, then she said, “That’ll be boring.”

I told her that if I didn’t know I was to see her again, I’d be bawling my eyes out.

“Aw,” she said.

I still might bawl my eyes out anyway.

---

I don’t think the sickos that put me here are going to start trouble again for me till I’m just about to get off probation in 10/2003. I doubt they’d want to mess with me sooner and risk the authorities beginning to wonder who the real victim is in this case, and me getting vindicated.

I’d like to think that someday I’ll be vindicated and that justice will be done with these people once they’re exposed for what they are, but as time goes on, I doubt it’ll ever happen. They fucked me over and they’re going to get away with it. Period. It not only burns me up to know I was thrown in jail for something I didn’t do, but it burns me up to know that this bitch and her people aren’t going to do any time for what they did do. When do they do time for the nasty phone messages they left? The trash they threw in our yard? The noise they threw at us at all hours of the day and night? The nasty notes they slipped in our mailbox slot? That’s a felony too; leaving notes in mailboxes. Again, if I’d only known what was going to happen, I’d have saved the evidence, rather than chosen to ignore their childish shit and focus solely on getting the hell out of there, which took us longer than we would’ve liked. I think to myself – damn, I wish I’d had guts enough to call the police more often. But like they themselves said, that’d only fuel their fire more, and they’d just be right back to their same old shit when they left. I don’t trust pigs, either.

When it comes to justice, there is no “justice.” Especially when it involves non-whites and people of authority. Tom reminded me that blacks are thrown in jail too, for shit they didn’t do. I know that. I never said minorities weren’t abused by the law. I just think they have the upper hand in the courts. A lot of people are afraid to rule against minorities for fear of starting riots.

When thoughts of the people that fucked me over eat at me and I find myself seething with rage, I remember my Teddy Bear. I remember that I did get something good out of all this shit.

Yeah, you bitch, you could steal my freedom, but you couldn’t stop romance from blossoming in M Dorm now, could you! Ha, ha, ha, ha!

At the same time, I know I’m taking a hell of a chance by associating with her and putting my trust in her. She may not be a cop, a judge or a lawyer, but she’s still an authority figure. She may look hot in uniform, but she still has a badge!

But life is about taking chances, and stupid or not, I’m going to follow my heart more so than my head and take a chance on her. She means that much to me, and they say I’m bold and gutsy for a reason so I might as well live up to my reputation for that.

It’s kind of ironic in a way because for so long I’d fantasize about meeting this wonderful, gorgeous woman in uniform. Like a lot of people, I’m attracted to a woman in uniform, and I don’t mean no nurse’s uniform, either! Then to have this woman jump out of my fantasies and into reality, even if it’s under some pretty bizarre circumstances, is really quite mind-boggling! I just never pictured her to be white and I sure as hell never pictured her to be a redhead!

Actually, If Teddy Bear stays as good of a person as she has been, then in a sense, I’d feel safer with her than with Tom. Not many people would be as quick to mess with an officer’s lady, even if that officer’s inside a jail and not on the streets. Also, she’s big and she knows karate or at least some kind of self-defense. Lastly, she’s probably got a gun. Although I’d be afraid to handle and shoot a gun myself, knowing she could if it was necessary (God, I’d hope not)! would make me feel a bit more comfortable, not that I’m some little priss. I happen to have some muscle of my own and some knowledge of self-defense. Also, just my screaming and yelling’s been enough to scare the shit out of people at times. There are advantages to being small as there are to being big. Small people can move faster and easier and are underestimated. Sometimes all it takes to defend yourself is being underestimated, and I will do everything in my power to defend myself if I’m ever forced to fight. I’ve had to do it before. Growing up, fighting and survival was a way of life for me.

What really shocks the shit out of me is that - I wanted her and I got her. Anyone who knows me knows that I’ve failed to succeed in getting most of the things I’ve set out to get in my life. Well, this time sure was different! As much as I was trying to be subtle about my liking her because I didn’t want to come across as some cheap, trashy slut who did this regularly, and because jail is really not the place for that sort of thing, I basically threw myself at her at the same time.

Wouldn’t it be funny if she read this shit?

Oh, Teddy Bear, if you only knew the things I’ve written about you and all the dirty little thoughts I’ve had pertaining to you!

She’d probably die of a coronary if she read some of this shit, but then again, who knows for sure how she’d take it? It really would be funny if I ended up sharing this with her, but I worry about her reaction. She may find it rather unnerving to know I wrote about our discussions, let alone some rather X-rated thoughts and dreams. It might also not be a wise idea for her to read about what I think will happen between us. I wouldn’t want it to influence her. Then again, she strikes me as the type to have a mind of her own.

But the book gets good in the end, Teddy Bear! It really does! And just think – if this were made into a movie, you’d be one of the stars for damn sure! It’s kind of funny when you think about it – “the story of a girl who gets framed and thrown in jail, with a romantic twist in the end.”

Hmm…should I really let her read my little jailhouse book? I’ll just have to see what happens with us and how accurate my vibes are. I’ve got an 80% accuracy rate, not 100%, so I could be wrong in what I think will end up happening. I’ll just use my best judgment. I may even throw in a few surprises along the way in her copy just to see how closely she reads it. You know, a few segments here and a few segments there of pure bullshit.

If someone had told me I’d consider, if only for a second, sharing this with a DO, I’d never have believed it. I never would’ve believed it in a million years if someone told me that me and a DO would like each other, either. Then again, I wouldn’t have believed any of it. Not the framing, not the outrageous sentence, not Teddy Bear - none of it. Again, this is something we think only happens to other people or in the movies. It was never supposed to happen to me! Nonetheless, some of life’s best things really aren’t planned, and it’s true that we often meet the best of people when we least expect it, where we least expect it.

Although good came out of this, I can’t forget the fact that there’s still no excuse for what these people did to me. Meaning the black bitch, the pig, the public defender and the judge, and have to be dealt with and made to take responsibility for their actions. I’d love to ignore them and put them behind me forever, but I can’t do that. I can’t just walk away from this one, blow it off and act like it never happened. Somebody’s got to expose and stop these people from doing what they’re doing, and it’s obvious that it’s going to be up to me to set these people straight. No one else has done it and I don’t think anyone will. I’m not going to be cleaning up their act solely in the name of payback and punishment, but for the sake of protecting others from becoming victims, too. They need to pay the consequences of their actions, but I don’t yet know how, where or when this will happen. Mark my words, though. It will happen. I’m not going to turn the other cheek and send them a message saying that what they did was OK. It wasn’t OK and I’ll use every resource available to me to have them exposed/punished!

And now there are 5 empty beds here! Just like I knew she would, Jamie ended up going to A100 today. She took a shitfit over lost pencils, from what I heard, and was banging on the door, going crazy. Bangert told her she could either go the easy way or the hard way. Then she left to pull her card and returned asking, “Are you done with your shitfit? Hurry up and roll up ‘cause they’re coming to get you.”

This is when I began singing some of the Funny Farm song, “They’re coming to take you away, haha, hee hee…”

I told Bangert how glad I was to see her go since she drives everyone crazy.

“I know,” she said. Then she put a finger over her mouth to quiet me as a lady sergeant and a male DO came and whisked the obnoxious little brat out of here.

Bangert later asked next door, “What the fuck is her trip?”

That’s when I heard about the pencils. Yeah, that’s something that would set her off. Anything would set that bitch screaming up a storm. She’d be sweet and polite one minute, on some delusional trip the next, then on a rampage.

“Way to go!” I told Bangert as she passed by my door.

With an amused smile she goes, “And you keep your comments to yourself, little girl!”

On her next walk, I was lying in bed facing the door. She walked by, then stepped back and grinned at me as if to say, “You little shit!”

Bangert cracks me up. She was bitching to me about those “damn bitches in Alpha who don’t want to clean up their pigsty.” One bitch told her to fuck off and she told them, “OK, you want to see a real bitch? You got till the sergeant gets here in 20 minutes to clean this place up, or I’ll cancel your Alpha program.”

Guess she told them really well! That Bangert’s a tough cookie for being the short, 50-something-year-old that she is.

I was the second one out. She woke me up by saying, “It’s your hour out, honey.”

I was too tired to walk the 20 minutes I usually walk, so I just called Tom. I told him about my talk with Mena, who talked with me a second time and calmed and reassured me a little. I told her I was afraid I’d end up killing myself over this and she said that that was silly talk, etc.

Then she said, “I’m not saying they don’t do transfers. Just follow the rules, because 90% of the people in here are in for violations. You’ll be OK, I wouldn’t lose any sleep over this. Just have a good rapport with your PO. They’re not out to make enemies. I know it’s hard being on probation. Your worries are normal.”

I know there are some cool POs, but I’m still afraid I’m destined for the rotten apple of the bunch. One big, giant, mean-looking, biased black or Mexican. I’m surprised they wouldn’t want to see us fuck up, too. They make more money that way. Especially if it’s someone who can afford commissary.

Once again, I cannot do what I cannot do, and therefore, I won’t do what I cannot do. I’m going home no matter what they say because my home is my home. Period. I’m not about to wander the streets of Maricopa County all because of something I’m supposed to have written years ago. And the monthly $40 probation fee is nothing but pure extortion money.

Tom still insists I not listen to what others say and that everything will be fine. He scared the shit out of me at one point when there was a knock on the door. I tried calling him back a few minutes later and got no answer. I tried for several minutes more and still got no answer. My worst fears were going through my head like someone robbing the place at gunpoint, but when I finally got through, he said someone got stuck at the corner.

He also reminded me that we told them 6 months ago where we live, and if they had a problem with it, they’d have spoken up then. Not necessarily, but let them. Let them speak up about it. I ain’t going nowhere.

Last night the juvi banged on the vent to get my attention and we talked for a few minutes. She wanted to know if I had a radio, then today when Bangert was on, she said G wanted to know if I had any batteries I could lend her. I told her I didn’t have any spare new ones, but that I’d gather up my half-dead batteries that still had some life in them and promised her she could have them next Saturday if she didn’t bug me during the week. Meanwhile, I hope no one else gives her batteries till then so I don’t have to listen to her whine to her damn radio.

I’ve been tired all day, but unable to nap so far. I really hope I can sleep late on Saturday.

Tomorrow begins my last everything – my last Sunday, my last commissary, etc.

Oh, Teddy Bear, please come back before I leave!

Felix is on now.

Mattie was telling me that her probation (she’s in for drugs) even requires her to wear a certain dress code.

Damn! Talk about being treated like a kid! What the fuck do clothes have to do with drugs, anyhow? Who cares what she wears as long as she stays clean?

It’s cold in here because of the storm. I knew it was storming before I heard about it on the radio. Even in this windowless cell, I could smell the rain. Plus, the skylight out there was too dark. The lights even flickered a few times and I could hear rumbles of thunder. I wish the cheap bastards would give us some heat tonight, but that won’t happen. At least the cool spell will only be for a couple of days and at least I’m not downstairs where it’s even colder. I went to put my thermal on for the first time since Teddy Bear moved me up here 34 days ago, but it stunk and I wasn’t about to wash the damn thing. So, I threw my shirt on over my gown. It helps keep me warmer.

Dinner’s here, and incredibly, it’s not hot dogs. It’s ostrich meat, which isn’t as good as chicken or beef patties but is still edible.

---

The meat wasn’t so edible, after all. It had a funny taste and a rubbery texture that was kind of weird, so I saved the rye bread for later and ate the little cupcake, the rice, and the half-dead salad.