Well, today’s the day. I should find out today what’s going on with the class shit. Tom says taking adult education classes is no big deal, and that the most it could be - and this is extreme - would be a few times a week since they know people have to work, but it’s a big deal to me. He can play this down all he wants, but it’s a big deal to me, ok? Even if it was a free 5-minute class, it’s a big deal as long as it’s connected to the freeloaders. freeloader-induced activities are a big deal, and it’ll also be a big deal if I have to be put out yet again all cuz of someone’s spite and misconception.

How is it that so many people have had such control over my life? Meanwhile, I couldn’t control another human being like this even if I wanted to, though I don’t want to. I just want to be left alone. But if I misunderstand someone, I just misunderstand them. No harm done to anyone. But with me, it could turn my life upside down if someone misunderstands me.

Why must I be the one to have to pay for people’s stupidity?! I always used to think it best to play down all I knew so I could surprise someone if I needed to use what I knew against them, but now I realize just how important it is to appear alert, receptive and like you know what’s going on, even if you really don’t.

I’m also sick of Tom making me feel worse when I bitch about this shit, too. He’s done nothing but play the situation down and make me feel, in a sense, like I’m a fool to get upset over it or to worry about what else these freeloaders may do.

When I told him I wanted to get rid of the baby males, he got all upset over the money spent on the new cage cuz we had plans to breed. He always gives me a hard time when I want to get rid of animals, but anyway, I told him I would’ve wanted that cage anyway. It’s a much better cage. Besides, we did try to breed Little Buddy and it didn’t work, not that I can complain since Lady was so spastic. The point is, he bitches about money spent on a cage that I love and wanted either way, but the black bitch fee? Hell, that’s just another bill. No big deal. As soon as I bitch about the freeloaders or the state, he’s quick to either defend them or play the situation down and I’m fed up with it. I really am. So, if I get told what I don’t want to hear today, I’m just going to grin and bear it till I can get home and unleash my anger and frustration in this journal.

I wish to hell I could brainwash myself into believing this is all my fault and that I deserve the sentence I got! But even if I were guilty as hell, no one deserves to be thrown in jail for something they wrote, nor should they be left on probation afterward for this long and lose so much money over it. There’s no way, guilty or not, I could ever consider myself a criminal, let alone a stalker. I never “stalked” these sick fucks, nor did I do anything else other than express myself. The only thing I did wrong was that I did resort to words and not actions. And those words were sent to a hateful, prejudiced, emotional wimp who couldn’t handle what I had to say, and she used/abused her connections against me. No one out here deals with people head-on. They cower behind the corrupt law.

God definitely decided I should be born a follower and not a leader. But I don’t want to be either! I just want to be myself. I don’t tell others what to do with their lives and I’m sick of people telling me what to do with mine! It’s not right. It’s just not right and it’s not fair.

It’s still utterly appalling to think that a perfect stranger (Judge H) could sit in judgment of me as he did, and have such a huge impact on me, my life, and Tom’s life as well.

You know what else? I thought about it and said, fuck it! I’m decrypting all my journals. If any pig were to steal them, though I’ll be damned if I’ll submit to “search and seizure” if I can help it, they should read all I have to say about them as well as other shit I’ve written. Let them read it all! I want them to. If they want to take the time and go to all the trouble, they should at least get their reading pleasure out of all this now, shouldn’t they?

It almost makes me laugh when I think of all the legwork the pig and the state have gone through to get at me. And all for a letter. When you think of all the paperwork, the time, etc., it’s just so asinine that it’s almost comical. The state’s probably spent more on paper and ink than we have in the last 8 years just to give the media and whoever else copies of the journals. When I found out on sentencing day that the pre-sentencing guy had written down everything I had said over the phone word for word, I was like, “Oh, my God! All that work? All that time and energy into copying down every single little thing I said when all he had to do was write down the highlights which would’ve been plenty enough to get my point across (not that anyone gave a damn).”

Of course, I’m sure he had to throw in a few words of his own along the way and twist some of mine, too.

“Justice.” Why was the word ever invented? There’s no such thing. Not by people, not by God. The only things there are are competition, spite, control, power, vindictiveness, greed and revenge. It’s all a game in the eyes of all the players but the real victims.

Paula’s so lucky and she doesn’t even know it. Yeah, she called last night. For slugging a pig, she gets a 1-year suspended sentence. All she has to do is report once a month and stay out of trouble so she doesn’t go to jail for 90 days. No one will be coming to her house and she doesn’t have to pay a dime. The $270 fine was waived cuz she’s poor. If she’d have slugged a pig out here, she’d be looking at a huge sentence. She’d probably do 3-10 in prison, then years and years of probation afterward. Having Section 8 and Justin may help her a bit, but not too much.

She gave me her email address. I’ll email her later.

The bulk of the conversation was about what most of our chats are about - her being furious with the Puerto Rican she’s seeing that she thinks is cheating on her.

When she told me she sent two letters over the last couple of months (and I believe her), this really raised a red flag as far as my suspicions about the mail tampering go. My mounting suspicions really worry me. You’ve got Mary, who seems to be missing letters from me. Pérez, who seems not to have gotten my letter, and Paula, who can’t seem to get mail to me to save her life. Some of it is probably made up just to get me to keep on writing her, but she wouldn’t have not written for this long. Something’s going on. But who is it and why are they doing this? I know the PO’s incompetent, but this is a little overkill, and I really wonder yet again if Teddy Bear ever got my letter, though she still could’ve called.

Once again I must ask myself, am I being paranoid, or is someone out to get me? The only one that could be doing this is the pigs and maybe even Scot, too. Maybe they’re looking to see who I correspond with so they can hope to get me thrown back in jail. But if that’s the case, what’s taking so long? How many more letters to and from Mary and Paula do they need? Are they just taking a letter here and a letter there while hoping to find something going to the freeloaders? Is that it? Or could the PO really be that fucked up while Paula tells me nothing but bullshit lies?

Then there’s another possibility. One worse than any meddling pigs. Could Tom be withholding any mail from me? And if so, why? I certainly can’t imagine why he’d do that and it seems highly unlikely, but I know that anything’s possible. I mean, why would he not give me mail from Paula? And if Teddy Bear or Pérez did write, why would he not give me their mail? Would he be that jealous? I doubt it. If it isn’t a case of lies and incompetence, then someone’s looking to get my ass.

Later…

Un-fucking-believable! Scot never even mentioned the class thing. Not a word either way. I was really surprised. Of course he had to comment on how much time I had left. I asked Tom, “Is he really that forgetful, or is he just looking to see if I am?”

“He’s just making small talk. There’s only so much to talk about,” he said.

How about how hot it’s been? Anything else for a change.

Yeah, I know. I sound just like Dureen.

Anyway, I’d rather hear nothing than hear I have to take classes, but it would’ve been even better if I could’ve been told I don’t have to take them so I could be done with it. Instead, I still have it hanging over my head. I think these freeloaders and the shit they cause will always be hanging over my head!

He seemed like he was in a bad mood. Not by anything he said, but it was just something I sensed, aside from his usual cold, impersonal self. This guy needs to loosen up! Then again, as long as he doesn’t fuck me over, he can be Mr. Serious of the Year for all I care.

I told him about the doll-making plans we have. At first he said absolutely nothing. Then he asked how much dolls usually cost and when I plan to get into it.

The letter with the postage due from Mary shed a lot of light on this mail mystery. There is no mystery after all. She did get my letters and the bear probably did, too. That leaves only Paula. Paula, who happens to call right after I said I wouldn’t write till I heard from her. How convenient.

Yeah, I’m now convinced she isn’t writing. If someone was meddling with the mail, why would hers be the only letters they took?

Mary did put extra postage on after all, but the cheap bastards at the PO still wanted their 12 precious cents.

Another favor too, she wanted. She sent pages she tore out from an astrology book and asked me to type them for her. Instead, I just scanned them.

She really likes the idea of my getting into doll-making. She wants a doll with fuchsia hair and purple eyes someday. Yeah, I know she likes those colors.

The few DOs who knew Teddy Bear say they haven’t heard anything about her since she left. Mary still thinks she didn’t deliberately hurt me. I’d like to think that too, but it seems rather obvious that I was blown off by her, whether or not she got my letter and I think she did. The more I think about it, the more I’m pretty sure that the only one playing games with the mail is Paula. I don’t need to number my letters to Mary.

Mary agrees that writing is very therapeutic, and she too, is good at writing sex scenes. I included one for her that I always had when I was alone in 3. One where the bear would lick my pussy or we’d kiss while I’d massage her achy shoulders when she’d stop by on walks.