No Scot, no Joy. Tom thinks she’ll be in next week and I think something’s wrong. If she is, I won’t be able to get her with Tom cuz I’ll be on nights.

the cheeks will probably see me Thursday, if not, then who knows when? Maybe he’ll start coming around less now that I’m over the halfway marker. I wonder if he’ll come twice next January like he did last January, though common sense ought to tell him that if I’ve been dumb enough to be suckered into sticking this shit out this long, then there’s a damn good chance I’ll stick with it to the finish line. The finish line that I hope exists, I should say.

Something woke me up at 6:45 this morning, though I went back to sleep. I don’t know what it was. It was a thump of some kind. Actually, it sounded like a door closing somewhere, but Tom didn’t even get in till noon. I was too tired to get up and check it out.

I tell you, I’ve been woken up here more than in the Phoenix house. Sometimes I wonder if I shouldn’t go back to sleeping with the fan on high. As Tom said, though, here it’s easier to go back to sleep. Yeah, but still, why do I feel like I’m being punished for living in a house I’m not supposed to be living in?

And is it really a wise idea for me to delve into this dollmaking thing? If I really am cursed in that department, I’d have an awfully hard time trying to work in a business that already seems quite complicated enough. I don’t know, I still think it’s easier not to bother, as much as I want to. If I don’t bother to try, then I can’t be disappointed over failing, can I? And I still can’t imagine being able to suddenly do what I want with my time in that sort of way.

I should’ve applied the same rule to Teddy Bear, followed my head and not my heart, told myself she wasn’t meant to be and that I’d never see her on the outs anyway, so just forget it and don’t even bother with her.

I can’t believe how many dreams I’ve had pertaining to this woman! When that thump woke me up I had been dreaming of her. This time around we had a kid together somehow, and she was on a phone somewhere, telling someone I had the baby.