I am so bored it isn’t funny, and Tom doesn’t like to do much but watch TV. Especially when it’s too dark to work on the truck. He did that earlier, though. He got the mufflers off both trucks so he can put the one that was on the green one on the white one to quiet it down.

Using his email address and a bogus phone number, I’ve been entering us in various contests and sweepstakes. I know the odds are ridiculous, but I’m so freaking bored out of my mind. I gotta do something besides work out.

I was as close to throwing up as one could possibly get after taking my vitamin when I got up. I don’t know if it was because I took it along with my water pill or what, but I can’t help but get the feeling that it would never have happened if it weren’t something that helps me maintain my weight.

I’m still pretty sure we won’t get it on, but I had to ask myself this: Do I want to trust in fate to see that I don’t conceive if we do, or do I want to use birth control?

Tom said it was my call and so I decided I trusted destiny enough to skip the birth control. I also asked myself: God loves to see women who don’t want to conceive get pregnant anyway, think he’ll have the same attitude with me now that that’s not what I want?

No, I don’t. I think destiny is destiny, like it or not. Besides, I’ve been right about my vibes on that for 37 years, so why would I be wrong now? I believe that being in jail taught me the reasons it wasn’t meant to be. I used to believe that it was to punish me (back when I wanted one) and that I couldn’t handle the lack of sleep having one would cause. Well, while denying a woman a child she wants is definitely a punishment, being in jail taught me that although it’s hard functioning on very little sleep and having my sleep constantly interrupted, it is survivable, nonetheless. I now believe the reasons are because I couldn’t handle the pregnancy, childbirth and just the rearing itself and having no life or freedom. I value my freedom too much to throw it away. Being locked up and in the situations I’ve been in the past has taught me not to take my freedom for granted. I have nothing against kids whatsoever and I say to each their own as far as having kids goes. I, on the other hand, see nothing but hardships pertaining to that. All I see is it making me sick, fatter and in utter pain, then eating away our time, money, freedom and lives while limiting what we do and where we go. I just don’t see it as a worthy sacrifice and I know I’d be giving up so much for so little. Oh, I may have my bursts of gladness over having the kid, but I think that most of the time it’d drive me batty and that I’d regret having it. Of course, there’d be my crazy schedule to consider, and where would Tom sleep?

I also have another blessing in my favor and that’s a man who rarely cums, and if I was right all these years in thinking it was for fear of impregnating me, he should never ever cum again.

I learned something else by getting tested like I did too, and that’s that God doesn’t need to fuck something up in order to keep it from being used. He didn’t fuck up my plumbing because he knew that all he had to do was just make sure nobody grew in it.

I also asked myself: Would you resort to birth control if he did cum?

Well, I don’t know about that, though I know I wouldn’t want him cumming. Personally, I don’t even want to get it on with him in the first place simply because I haven’t the desire to. Knowing the feeling’s mutual, I think it’s safe to say I won’t have to worry. Tuesday will tell me. He’s stopping at the grocery store. They sell KY there. We’ll see if he picks any up. Anyway, I don’t think anything would be different if we did start having sex again. This is why I think he may’ve always been this way, even with other women. Of course, there’s also no saying how our sex life would’ve been had I been on birth control from the get-go. Maybe I am the only one he’s been this way with. I’ve always been sexually cursed, though to me it’s no curse anymore, just a wet, sticky mess we don’t need if he’s as content as he’s always been to keep things relatively dry. Still, why he is the way he is, I’ll never know. Before Helen gave me that info. I thought he’d clam up with anyone not protected, but now I see that it could very well be a lifelong problem he’s had that he simply never had the guts or desire to deal with. Or maybe it’s a combination of both. Perhaps he always had this problem and his lack of desire for a kid dampened any motivation to seek help.

Yves’ mascara washes off really easily. With the old shit I used to use, I’d have to scrub at my eyes with makeup remover and even that wouldn’t get it all off. The only thing is that I can’t tell that the violet mascara is violet or that the blue mascara is blue. Maybe out in the sunlight I could.

I emailed UPS asking if they do Saturday deliveries when Tom pointed out not remembering ever seeing a UPS truck on the road on a Saturday, and sure enough, they don’t. If Samantha was really shipped by Wednesday, then there’s no reason she shouldn’t be here tomorrow. In fact, I’ll be worried if she isn’t.

Tom said he saw a brief clip of an infomercial selling a split-end trimmer that trims only the bottom eighth of each hair shaft. That does sound way cool, but a bit expensive as well. What I really need is some thinning shears!