Tom’s doing the usual, fighting with the vehicles. Again he doesn’t know if he’s going to make it into Mary’s today. It’s like something doesn’t want him to go there.

He acted weird this morning. When I got up, I saw he was watching one of the many pregnancy/childbirth series they got going on the health channel. As soon as he heard me stumble into the kitchen, he changed channels in an instant.

Hmm… I wonder what that was all about? Was he afraid my seeing him watching that stuff would make me think he wanted a kid?

But I know better.

Was he afraid seeing it would make me want one all over again?

Well, it wouldn’t.

Does he still think I want one and figured it wasn’t good for me to see something I couldn’t have anyway?

If that’s the case, he’d have to think I wasn’t honest about my feelings, but I can assure this journal that I’d never say I didn’t want a kid I truly did want, nor would I say I wanted a kid I didn’t want.

I realize more and more, though I figured as much a long time ago, that if he hasn’t been able to admit so far that he doesn’t want to get it on, he never will. I just wish he’d save the politeness for other people and be honest with me! And himself. What’s the point of saying you want to get it on with someone you don’t, anyway? Is he afraid of how I’d react if he were honest or something? Either way, the KY won’t be wasted since I got some tampons yesterday.

Well, right now it’s looking like we’ll still have extra money to play with after all, but the $60 a month for each of us will drop to $40 a month, and the grocery budget will get cut from $90 to $80, and we’ll still split any leftover money each week.

I really did my homework at the grocery store and looked around for things that were cheap, yet not loaded with calories.

As Tom pointed out, though, there are no guarantees for the future. We may have no extra money at some point which wouldn’t surprise me. It’s all going to depend on his pay and how much of our shit breaks on us which is usually quite a bit, quite often. If some emergency comes up that costs us thousands of dollars, well, then we’re out of luck.

Again I heard someone cruising around here with loud music, but I don’t know where it was coming from. I think it was somewhere in front.