It appears Bev’s pretty much done here because she hasn’t come around much the last couple of days. Just long enough to put the trash out yesterday, and to pull the bins in today.

I’d say Lucky Surf is just as much of a scam as Memolink was. They didn’t respond to my email about claiming the little prizes I didn’t even know I won until I thought to check the ‘my winnings’ section yesterday at their site. All it was is stuff like a few bucks off at Overstock and jewelry stores which they never emailed me to tell me about. These are what I’ve gotten for the times I hit 2-4 of the 7 numbers. I inquired about it yet still got no response, but it’s okay. I’m not a jewelry person and Overstock doesn’t have anything exciting either. Neither are the other free offers I’ve won. I don’t need a coffeemaker or a razor. And of course, these offers aren’t “free.” There’s always some catch like we’ll give you the coffeemaker and the razor if you buy something from us. Meanwhile, I’ll have to write to the picture site in Maryland, since there’s no email or phone number, as to why I never received my $50 after May 3rd.

The two plants I had in Arizona seem to like Oregon as much as I don’t. Just when I thought the palm would never grow, it shot up about a foot! It came up to my hip before and now it’s at my chest. The Walmart palm is still slowly dying off.

Today’s a nice day for a change. Almost 70º and the nicest day so far this year. The heat hasn’t come on for a while which will greatly help our electric bill. The Friday afternoon barbecue session should be gearing up any moment.

Not much more than a week to go of being able to enjoy having the whole place to ourselves. I just hope Bev wasn’t wrong about the older lady moving in! I also hope to hell nothing came up that’s going to prevent the older lady from moving in, but even if she does, she could have more company than Bev, most of them obnoxious. There’s no saying for sure what we’re going to get until it gets here, but I know not to jump the gun if things are off to a good start. This is because people often start off fairly quiet. Then, once they get settled, they tend to let go, so to speak. Well, I hope they don’t go too crazy, because I still don’t think we’ll make it out of here. As I told Tom, if we can’t get out by July, I ain’t going. Not until we can get to California. I’m not going to “fight” to get out of here, and if I’m not meant to get out anytime soon, I’m not going to bother trying. Something up there wants us broke and with people, so broke and with people is how we’ll have to stay.

Later…

Still no washer, but today’s been the cheapest day here so far. The heat hasn’t been on in hours! I even decided to raise the foil an inch in the bedroom window that faces west by mom and daughter, to let the warmth and light in. Also, the main reason that sill has been staying so wet is that it hasn’t been getting any light or warmth. So I pulled the pieces of cardboard out and tacked up a wool blanket that I folded the long way in half. I’ll roll up the ends during the daytime. It’s still going to be brighter than I’d like at night, but it’s worth the savings we’ll get by not needing to run the heat as much. According to our old digital thermometer, it got up to 76º in here. It was nice! The temp is now dropping, though, because the sun just dipped down behind next door’s roof. Had we been on level ground, though, we’d have lost the direct sunlight a half-hour earlier. I can see where this side would be warmer in the summer, but it’s a trade-off because it’s better for the winter. I should’ve invested in drapes as soon as we could when we got in here. I knew we weren’t moving in May and I don’t know that we’ll make it out of here in the next few months either. Anyway, I’m amazed I haven’t heard a peep out of next door.

Later…

Tom got an email back from Meagan. She provided him with her current address which will be good until June, in case he needs to use her for a reference, though I still say God won’t allow him a better-paying job. Meagan, however, is doing way good for someone so young. She’s still with her long-time girlfriend, they’re making a ton of money, they’re having a place built, and now she’s pregnant. We assume she had artificial insemination, of course, but you know, I have to wonder – how did two women who started off with the same goals end up leading such different lives? Not that I regret meeting Tom or being unable to have kids, but still, I have to wonder. She and I both wanted to be with other women and have a child through artificial insemination as young women. She got to be with a woman and have the child. I didn’t. Why is that, I wonder? Why was it so important to God that I be a man’s woman, even if we evolved into nothing more than friends?

And why is it so important I don’t do the things I once wanted to do or want to do right now? Meagan wanted to be a teacher. She became one. I wanted to be a singer. I didn’t become one. Again, no regrets about not doing something I know I would’ve ended up hating with all the people and traveling involved, but can’t I ever want to do something I want and end up doing it with no regrets? It doesn’t seem so!

God may let me publish a book because it wouldn’t hurt my feelings if I didn’t, though He won’t let us have money because He knows I want that. We both do, for that matter, like most people in the world. He won’t even let us have the bike and washer we want! And I know we won’t get an old dumpy SUV or minivan any time soon, even though they’re practically giveaways here. Especially since he’s going to be forced to stop driving the truck in a couple of weeks because we won’t have the hundreds of dollars to renew its license. This means we’ll be limited to walking or taking buses just like I was back east. Why oh why do I keep getting thrown back in time and in so many ways??? Can’t I ever move ahead and stay there? I’m sick of the setbacks and I’m sick of having to start over what fate and others tear down. He’s nearly 48 and I’m nearly 40, yet we’ll be reduced to buses and walking all over again! Oh well. At least it’ll be good exercise and save us a ton of money since gas prices are insane.

Meagan said the sick cock that fired Tom for not being a religious freak quit because he knew he’d ultimately be laid off. Yeah, and I’m sure God led him straight into another great-paying job.

I just don’t understand why I’m so destined to be this puppet, pushed to go in life in places I mostly don’t want to go. If I set out to do a bunch of things I didn’t want to do, I’d bet I’d succeed then for damn sure. I just don’t get it. If I want to go right, why is God so quick to say, “No, you’re going left.” With the good things I have going for me in life, I don’t know if I can say He hates me, but He sure as hell doesn’t like me! There’s no doubt about that or anything anyone can say or do to convince me otherwise, and I’m not about to kid myself and try to tell myself I’m wrong when I know in my gut that I’m not. I was never good at brainwashing myself, and again, I don’t know that I’d want to be. Wouldn’t I only be kidding myself?

Although it only made it up to 53º today and the heater wasn’t off as long as yesterday, it was still off for a few hours. I wish I’d have thought to let some western sunlight in here months ago, just like Tom wishes he’d have checked Meagan’s whereabouts before applying for jobs. Again, it makes me wonder if we were guided into not thinking about these things sooner to keep us from making/saving money. If my gut instinct feels as strongly as it does, could I really be wrong? Somehow I doubt it. Besides, it isn’t just what my gut tells me, it’s logic. I mean, it really is rather obvious. Nobody loses this much without some force being against them.

I just wish I could snap my fingers and have us be in California with Oregon totally behind us! I’d settle for that much. Then, once we’re there, we’ll assume the queen will live on forever (and she just might!) and we’ll save for an old shit single-wide on our own. That way, we won’t end up wasting our time waiting for nothing if the selfish bitch leaves him nothing, but if she does, it can go towards the remodeling.

Just one more week of “living alone,” then in comes what I hope is a nice, quiet old lady with as little company as we have, though I doubt anyone in the world has as little company as us.

Tomorrow we’re going to walk to BK, then go over my book together. Then on Monday, I’m going to start a diet. I don’t feel like going hungry for the year it would take me to get thin, so I’ll settle for dropping 10 pounds for starters. I’m sick of the tight clothes, the big heavy tits, and the “pregnant” belly that doesn’t go away no matter how much I crunch it. I’ve simply been eating too much. My exercise has been adequate, but my calories definitely need to come down. I just wish I wasn’t always so damn hungry, but our appetites do expand with age as much as our metabolisms slow down. God definitely designed our bodies so most of us over 30 could be overweight!