We lost 3 of the 5 races Tom was awake enough to stay up for when the results came in, and again I started wondering if he was simply kidding himself over this horse thing. He said that he still feels strongly that the potential is there, but that it’s important that I have a positive attitude to influence things to have a better outcome. This is when he stressed to me that from what he’s observed over our years together is that my so-called psychic gift isn’t making predictions so much as it’s influencing the outcome of things. My first instinct was to laugh, but the more I think about it, the more I think he may have a point when I think of all those I’ve made sick that have angered me in the past, amongst other things.

But what about me predicting when the well failed and the flat tires and things like that? I asked him, and he said he believes it was more of a case that I made those things happen rather than saw them coming, and didn’t understand why I couldn’t see this. I’ve always had a vibe that the well would fail on December 6th of this year and now I wonder if it isn’t really a prediction, but something I’m going to make happen that day. I should blow out the whole damn state if that’s the case! I miss some aspects of the desert, but not that state. I also wonder if my vibe of the queen giving up her reign when she’s 86, but probably 87, is really what I’m going to make sure she does at that time. If that’s the case, should I see if I can get her to turn in her crown earlier? Nah, I’ll let her live to be a burden to Miss Perfect and Dave a little longer. So both the users (his family) and the abusers (my family) can live longer and have more time to suffer!

He said it took him years to realize I was an influencer because it’s not that obvious. Well, I sure as hell didn’t realize it for a while there myself. Sometimes he knows me better than I know my own self. Anything else about me I should know? I asked him.

Maybe even Miss Perfect also knew I was an influencer before I did. Let’s just say if there was one more thing I could do with her it would be to go to the casino! When she first accused me of making her lose I was like, you blubbering fool! You don’t know what the hell you’re talking about. Then when Tom mentioned it I was like, oh no, you too? Everybody’s losing it, though I certainly dig the vote of confidence!

And he may have a point about me fucking us up without knowing it with my anger and sense of hopelessness. Remember how he’d get so many colds in Phoenix? Well, I always wrote those off to secondhand smoke and lack of vitamins, and perhaps that was truly a part of it, but maybe my being pissed at him for putting me on about wanting a kid was a factor as well. After all, his colds did seem to lessen the more my desire to have a kid lessened. I hope that fat tub of shit we lived with at the duplex is sicker than her dog!

I won’t change what I’ve written up till now, but I’ll try to work into my stories things I’d like to see happen if they go with the plot. If a trip to Hawaii doesn’t fit, then I’ll have to leave it out, but I don’t see why some folks can’t move to California! I really do seem to have a knack for jinxing things through writing, not just thinking.

I wonder if a person can influence another to desire them sexually or at least for a friend. I don’t know if I’d want to influence Tom to think I was young and skinny, though, cuz that just wouldn’t be real, you know? But the cashier would be a good one to test this on. She’s no Jane and she seems like a real sweetie. The kind you’d feel comfortable letting into your home. It wouldn’t be fun testing it on a woman I wasn’t attracted to and I sure as hell wouldn’t want to make other guys dig me. I’ll remember what he said about not trying to influence things with a specific goal in mind, though. When I threw in the cruise in Doe and Art’s letter, it wasn’t my sole purpose for writing. But it seems I jinxed it to happen, even if I told them the cruise was to Hawaii. So what this means is that I won’t plan to be email pals with the cashier or to get it on. I’ll just try to make her like me. Wouldn’t it be funny if this chick who I think is straight, although open-minded, was suddenly having these feelings of attraction to me that she just doesn’t get? What a hilarious idea! I may not know if it works, though. Remember, I may’ve known right away that Pérez liked me, but it took time with Teddy Bear and Palma. Yeah, I think I’ll try it anyway. I figure that if I can do this, maybe I can influence any future assholes to keep them from fucking us over.

I don’t know about doing outrageous things like making Tinkerbell live as long as we do, but I’ll try to keep the dolls, money and wins coming, and the dogs, spiders, stereos and extra weight away. I just gotta develop my skills at doing this. I’m not sure what to do, though. For the most part, it’s still like handing me a trumpet and saying, “Okay, play it.” Well, I’d have it in my hands, but I wouldn’t know how to play! Yet the more I think about it, the more I think he may have a point and the more curious I get about it. It gives me all kinds of new ideas. Funny, as I always used to consider myself a very non-persuasive person. If he’s right, though, then this is one hell of a gift! What would be the point of seeing things if you couldn’t change any of the bad things you saw, as opposed to being able to guide things in a more favorable direction?

I know I’m gonna try to mentally communicate with Tinkerbell while we’re gone to let her know I haven’t left her forever.

So these are the jobs I can work on:

Job 1: Influence sweeps.
Job 2: Influence horses.
Job 3: Influence Tinkerbell to live longer than usual.
Job 4: Influence noisemakers like dogs and music.
Job 5: Influence us to keep in good health, me to lose weight.
Job 6: Influence the cashier to like me.
Job 7: Continue to have “ill feelings” towards those who’ve fucked us over.

Later…

To prove Tom’s point about thoughts and attitudes influencing things, I was thinking how weird it was that we’ve never had to change the bathroom or bedroom bulbs since moving in here, and the bathroom just blew out.

Today I’ve been kind of bummed out. I’m trying to pick myself back up, but believe me, I don’t feel the least bit influential or hopeful today. I hope the way I feel right now won’t influence things in a bad way, but sometimes I just can’t help how I feel. I’m back to feeling stuck in a rut.

First I awoke to find myself up a pound after 900 calories the day before and just 800 the day before that. I’ve been bouncing back and forth between 128-129. So once again, that reminder that’s been jabbing it me saying that it’s my time to gain weight along with everyone else my age sort of set me in a bad mood. I hate having no control over my own body, and I hate knowing that it’s either starve and maybe stay the same weight, or eat a perfectly reasonable amount and gain indefinitely, but I still believe things happen for a reason and I’m sure it must be important for me to gain the weight now if my body’s fighting for it this bad. I was going to drop to 500 calories a day and see what happened since as Tom and I both agree, it’s impossible for anyone to drop that low and not lose, but then I said Nah, there’s no avoiding the inevitable forever. If I just get it over with I know I’ll be glad I did in the end despite how horrible I’ll look and feel. At least if I let my weight reach its middle-age max, then I won’t have to worry about it happening anymore and having to try to fight it.

Then I got even more bummed out because I didn’t go to the store with him and that cashier was there, according to him. However, he described her as skinny, even kind of anorexic, while I thought she was a bit plump. The rest of his description matches, though – 23-25 years old with straight, thin dark hair. I didn’t go because I had just gotten up when he was ready to go. He would’ve waited, but I was pretty hungry when I got up and have gotten frustrated with trying to lose weight, I wanted him to get me a box of brownies while I had my coffee and tried to wake up. I also figured that she wouldn’t be there because I wanted her to be, and you know how it usually works – it’s when you’re looking for something or someone that you don’t find it/them. If you’re on the road in search of a gas station, there isn’t one around for miles, but then they’re everywhere when you’re not looking for one. And you’ll never find that perfect dress for that special occasion until after the occasion. The same goes for those of us seeking out eye candy or lovers. Either way, I lost my confidence. I felt that if I couldn’t influence my own self, then how could I influence someone else, even if Tom feels that trying to get someone to like me is also being too specific and that I should just have an overall positive attitude in general to put out positive energy to make good things happen. He feels that my being happier upon moving in here is part of what helped influence his promotion and things like that. He’s got a point, but we also can’t influence fate. At least not for the most part. I don’t think my believing, for example, that all I’d get were those I wasn’t attracted to if I joined a dating service is what would make that happen, so much as that would simply be what would be fated to happen no matter what I thought or felt. If I were meant to be with someone I was attracted to to the degree I am with Kate or even this cashier, I really think it would’ve happened, be it for a one-night stand or more. It’s common sense that the cashier’s hopeless as far as me making the attraction mutual, no matter what my attitude is, simply because of the age difference. Being heavy isn’t an issue with women as it is for guys, but a 15-year age difference most certainly is. Besides, I really think she’s straight. She’s awfully feminine.

I asked myself this: despite the inevitable outcome, do I really need to start meeting other women? Is that what I really want? But I still feel that no, I don’t think I’d have much fun seeking out women. It’s easier to imagine what I want than to try to find it, especially if it can’t exist for me. Sure I’d be flattered if the cashier liked me too, and sure I’d be friends with her and even have casuals, but that’s just not going to happen, so all I can do is just look forward to whenever I can see her and enjoy those moments. Like I said, though, now that I want to see her, I expect it’ll be a long time before I do and that there’ll be a long line and she’ll be in a rush. Oh well. She may never have a place in my life, but she’ll have a place in one of my stories.

Of course there’s another question, too – is it really just being sick of Tom sexually despite my love for him that’s the problem, or am I simply burning out with age no matter who the person is or what they look like? I figure that there’s got to be all these diet programs and sexual aids for a reason and that if I don’t want side effects like the way the Hoodia screwed up my cycle, then I should just accept things as they are and roll with the punches, even if this means gaining a ton of weight and never having sex again in my life.

I think to myself, if I’ve got to have problems why can’t they be little ones, but then again, not having any control over my weight and never experiencing lust other than in my head and in my stories is a little problem, as opposed to vindictive freeloaders getting me thrown in jail, living with Doe, Art or Tammy, living in Brattleboro, Valleyhead, the NHA, etc. I guess it’s just that the ones that are the current problems seem the biggest of all.

The biggest thing that’s got me down is the nagging feeling that comes and goes, and right now has come, that Tom’s just kidding himself with the horseracing thing. He said that if he is, just let it run its course. I will, I told him, but the next time he gets some grand money-making idea, I don’t want to hear it! It just infuriates me that yet again God goes and teases us with money. Thanks, God, I needed that. We both did.

So now we’re back to square one. Where in the chaotic, but warm mainstream do we go? He still feels he could get a good job in Sacramento despite his age and that we could live in a rural place and still get the things we want without being at risk of losing the place as long as we don’t overextend ourselves as we did with Maricopa and then the mountain, but I don’t know about that. Again, why would I be stuck in the city for so much of my life if this wasn’t where I was meant to be? This is my place in life and on earth, like it or not, and believe me, I don’t like it, but sometimes it’s easier to bitch about something than to try to change it. I hate it but it’s easier here and it makes no sense to go through the struggles of getting a rural place whether or not we’re at risk of losing it when 6 years from now we’d be eligible for a retirement community. Of course, 6 years can be a long time when you live in a noisy environment, and the noisier it is, the longer those 6 years are. I hate the barking, the stereos, the car doors, the kids screaming, the stress of neighboring houses turning over, the problems most neighbors bring, but it’s all I’ve known for the last 20 years. As long as we don’t live next to a pack of freeloading psychos, we should be okay.

He said Sacramento has rapid transit. Just like New York has subways, they have trains they call light rail. Therefore, we could live far out and he could maybe take his bike to the train station, etc. He also said that because the climate is more temperate there and doesn’t get as hot as Arizona or as cold as here, the electric bills would be more stable, but I don’t know. It’s going to be a tough decision. Do we give up having money for shopping and other fun things to get a rural place? Or do we give up the chance to live in peace for the convenience and extra money city life would bring? He thinks we’ll have a choice, but again, I don’t know about that when most of our decisions seem to be made for us by circumstances, fate, God, whatever. First things first, though, and that’s to do what we need to do to go cruising, enjoy the cruise, then come back and start saving to get out of here in June, the month we agreed upon. If I have to sell things due to lack of money, I will. Then we’ll see if we have a say in where we go from there and try to decide what’s best if we do.

Wow, it’s almost 11:30 at night, almost October, and it’s 78º in here!

Oh, God, why’d you have to get our hopes up? And Tom’s hope is still up there, too. He still feels certain we can make a lot of money, own a quiet place outright, and that he’ll never again have to work for anyone else, and I hope to hell he’s right! It’s just that I’ve never been that wrong in such a big way whether I’m the cause of it or not. It would’ve been so wonderful to build our own place and not have to worry how far it was from his job because his job was at home! There’s no doubt about that one.

The way he explained to me why he felt making tons of money wouldn’t be a problem made perfect sense, and I know he knows his stuff when it comes to programming, handicapping and money, but then why do I feel so stuck in a rut?

And why can’t I get this cashier off my mind? I don’t have to have sex with her to be satisfied being the older person that I am. I could be just as happy to hang out with her from time to time as a friend. I know it seems foolish since beauty’s only skin deep, I’ll be gone soon enough, and she’ll be fat and ugly herself in 10-15 years, but I guess I’m only human.