The truck failed emissions. Fucking figures, huh? Why did I bother running to mommy and daddy for temporary help? Why didn’t we just get the fuck out of this world two months ago? There’s no place for us here or anywhere else. I see what that was too, a few months ago. Just like I knew I was being prepared for something the night they took me to Florence, what happened two months ago was just a training drill. God knew I was too chicken to die that night, afraid of what awaited me on the other side and of the dying process itself. So He obviously felt that having us nearly lose our lives like we did would toughen me up and make me a little braver. Well, it worked! It worked because I’m no longer nearly as scared or as sad as I am mad! I’m tired of sitting in this room month after month, living on impossible dreams! All our dreams, as simple and as reasonable as they may be since all we ever really wanted was a decent, peaceful place to live and a reliable vehicle, are totally impossible. Why? Oh, just because it’s what we want. What’s possible for most others is simply out of the question for Tom and Jodi S.

We would prefer to live and do the things we’d like to do in life, but as I said before, we have to go someday anyway so why stick around for another 40 years or so of bullshit and trying to get to where we can never be? Besides, I see where God’s going here. Once again, He’s having us slowly backed into a corner with no way out. So much for thinking we were friends now. Well, He can back us into any corner He wants because this time I’m not running to anyone! I’m not going to live to keep on being kicked back and forbidden from being in the driver’s seat of our lives. And as Tom said, so what if the truck eats our savings, cuz he’s resigned himself to the fact that it’s either the horses or nothing since no one gives a damn about us and those who do can’t help us. Well, I know the horses aren’t going to save us, so yeah, it’s ok if all the money’s gone by the weekend because we’ll be gone then, too.

He said he’s had vehicles fail emissions before and that the Ford Tempo he had when we were newly married and living in Phoenix took 3 times to pass. He was right about it passing the carbon monoxide test, but its timing is off and it idles too fast. But even if it did pass with the quick oil change his online research suggests, that wouldn’t change anything. Especially if I’m the one who’s right about the horses and him being naively optimistic. We’d still be stuck in this room forever, dreaming of the impossible.

I wanted to live to receive the new TV we won if they’d ever send it. I wanted to live to see my stuff again, get new rats and do all kinds of things. But there are pros to dying, too. I won’t have to deal with my teeth and ear anymore or suffer the effects of growing old. No more poverty spells or noisy neighbors. All this would be gone.

I don’t know why I didn’t have any dreams about this last night, but I guess I’ve finally accepted the fact that if God doesn’t want us to live, He won’t let us. I just wish He would’ve been kinder to us and had us killed off instantly in an accident or something! But He never cared. Never has, never will. Meanwhile, there are plenty of others He can bless with our dreams instead. Others can live them out. And others can have our stuff, too.