We had been fortunate enough to have the rooms on the sides of us, as well as underneath, empty all weekend. However, someone just checked in on the end. They closed the door fairly quietly so that meant that they just had to slam and bang shit around like crazy inside the room, and believe me, they wasted no time! Guess that’s just proper motel etiquette; if you come and go quietly, you have to be noisy inside the room. If you slam doors, you can be quiet inside the room. Well, either they’ve shut up or the wax earplug I stuck in is doing a great job.

He came back from work on Friday informing me of the truck’s latest problem. It now won’t idle. He had the whole weekend off and it at least let us do our errands, even though he often had to start it back up again after sitting at lights. No pig problems either, although we heard sirens a few times in the area.

On Saturday we went to cash his work check and to the mail place. The incense I won was there along with books from book clubs and the Armani paperwork. Like with Bluefly, another designer boutique, we had to pay $10 to have the $100 shopping spree notarized. I’ll just have to remember to make sure to leave a note when we order for them to take from the credit won and not our debit card like Bluefly did which caused a lot of headaches.

The $100 Best Buy card was there too, and we got a smoking deal online on a laser printer, and some memory, later on when we returned to the room.

After leaving the mail place we got some pizza, then to another place to cash our Oregon refund check which we both had to sign for. Lastly, we hopped on over next door to Starbucks where he got hot chocolate and I got an eggnog latte.

Sunday we went to pick up the memory at Best Buy, then to Walmart where we got groceries, plus some fun stuff. I got a Hannah Montana doll, this big pink furry rug I’ve been wanting for ages, one of those really cheap perfume knock-offs, and some pens, paper and post-its.

A temporary tattoo came with the doll. Those things are so cool! I hope to get more temp tats soon enough. Why not? There’s no house or even a trailer to be saving for.

I can see and feel without a scale that I’ve lost a little weight since I began the tea diet again which I’m adjusting nicely to, but don’t know if I’ll lose much more than 10 pounds or so.

Tom finally solved my online crashing problems by switching my browser from Microsoft Explorer to Firefox. Ever since I got this laptop all I’ve done is crash up a storm and I was beginning to seriously regret getting the thing, calling it nothing more than a pretty piece of shit, but now I can once again sweep without the constant crashing. I thought it was an operating system issue since I’m using Vista and not Windows XP, but nope, it was a browser compatibility issue. What’s just as amazing as how well it runs is how fast I can shazam open 50 or more sweeps at once! What once took minutes now takes just seconds.

If only all my problems could be solved that easily! Yet I’ve been rather depressed, pissed, frustrated and downright confused. Why oh why am I so not allowed to live where I want to? Why must I spend my entire life struggling to be where I can never be? Well, I really grabbed myself by the shoulders, so to speak, and told myself I could either waste time sitting here dreaming, or I could face reality and just roll with the punches. We can’t fight fate, period. I’ll never live where I want to. My dream house is just that – a dream. All I can do is just be glad I get to live in the state of my choosing. Other than that, our only choices are to either remain here or get into an apartment. Although an apartment could be worse depending on what extremes God decides to make sure we end up with, we’ll at least have more than one room there, plus all our stuff, plus we should save at least a few hundred a month, maybe more.

Speaking of God, I’m once again wondering just how much of a friend He really is and if it really is worth it to pray every day. I suppose that if it is I shouldn’t bother to include what’s obviously not meant to be in my round of prayers. Praying for good health is one thing, but praying to live where we want is another. To ask to live where we want to live would be like asking to be tall.

I’m trying not to think of the inevitable fate that lies ahead and of returning to life in apartments because I know I’ll only break down in tears or scream my lungs out if I do. I just have to assume I must’ve done something along the way to deserve to be denied the right to live where I want to, for to think otherwise can only mean I’m being singled out and picked on for no good reason at all, and well, that possibility is a bit chilling. So when reality pops into mind that I’m doomed for life in apartments, I just try to look at the pros to them, even if there are not that many. There won’t be any peace or privacy, and we lose the money, but at least Tom won’t have the hassles of having to do yard work and things like that.

I considered telling Satish to call us in a year when he’s ready to rent his house but then decided against it. With our shit luck, he’ll call, then call back saying he’s changed his mind yet again. I’ve had enough of the housing and financial teases!

Hell, I wish I was an action freak! A real people-lover who didn’t mind noise and lack of privacy. While you lose money in an apartment and can’t do things like paint or wallpaper it to your tastes, they offer so much more here for so much less. For an average of $1400 a month, most houses don’t even offer refrigerators, let alone dishwashers, disposals, washers and dryers. But for an average of $800, we can not only get all that but also pools, Jacuzzis, fitness rooms and other amenities as well. So despite the circus we’re in for, I try to tell myself that there are worse places to live than apartments, like the street, for example. And jail, and projects, and funny farms, and reform schools…

What surprised me was Tom’s reaction to my being upset over the reality of never being able to get what we want. At one point he was saying that I was spiraling out of control and heading for a breakdown, so would I like him to take me to a hospital for some medication to calm my nerves? And he would think that I should be happy at least some of the time with the printer on its way and other stuff I’ve gotten.

But I am happy some of the time. I also don’t see how laying in bed crying about being forced to live where I don’t want to is “spiraling out of control and heading for a breakdown.” Therefore, I try to suppress my feelings as best I can because my getting upset obviously gets him upset and that only makes us both feel worse.

I don’t know why I’m destined to live where I don’t want to. I only know a part of me regrets leaving the tiny tilted dump that was too cold and snowy. Another part regrets leaving the Phoenix house and not putting up with the freeloader’s shit. Most of all, I’m sorry that Maricopa didn’t work out and that we had to lose our beautiful brand-new house on its sprawling 10 acres. I don’t even want to think of that one right now or I’ll just bawl my eyes out.

Tom thinks the winter here has been warmer than in Arizona. He’s losing it, I told him, because I remember Arizona winter highs and lows to average 60s and 40s, not 50s and 30s. It’s a little too chilly for my tastes, but it sure beats the 30s and teens!