I still don’t know if we’ll make it, but I do know I had the shittiest birthday since my 35th one in jail. If the truck continues to fail emissions and we lose it, then no, we won’t make it. Especially since our savings is now gone and we couldn’t just run out and get a new heap of shit. Not unless the horses surprised me. Tom insists it was a major breakthrough when I commented on how rough it would’ve been had he had to start over if the asshole that broke into our truck had gotten his computer, too. I guess he decided this would be a damn good idea in some areas of the programming. He thinks we might be able to test it this weekend. Meanwhile, tomorrow he’s going to take the truck in for a tune-up and take another shot at getting it to pass emissions.

Satish woke me up after a few hours of sleep to tell me what I figured he’d tell me; that he’s going to hold out another year. He also needed to do something in the bathroom cuz the room below us was leaking (I also figured it was about time someone needed to come in for something).

I haven’t had any nightmares, so maybe we aren’t being pushed toward death like last time, but I’m losing my will to survive. If my only choices are to die, live in this room, or an apartment, then I’d rather be dead. I’m sick of trying to be where I can never be!

Some people are strange, not to mention downright rude. They were gabbing away a few doors down as if it were the middle of a lovely afternoon rather than a late chilly night. These are smokeless rooms, so a lot of the coming and going you hear are people going outside to smoke.

Later…

Tom ended up getting the truck worked on for $70 instead of $110, so we went out for KFC afterward since we saved money and might not live past the weekend. He hates chicken, but because his chicken sandwich was honey barbecue, he didn’t even know the difference.

My left hip hurt when we first started on our way, but then it loosened up. No one ages that fast, plus I’m 42 and not 82, so I’m thinking it’s due to being confined in such a tiny space. Even the dump we lived in was bigger! Funny how we keep getting smaller and smaller. Any of the good things I was looking forward to doing like learning Italian just isn’t worth life’s bullshit anymore. As I’ve said before, if we’re still not meant to be in the driver’s seat of our lives in this day and age, we never will be. We’ll just continue to be forced to live where we don’t want to and teased for nothing in more ways and extremes than the norm. There are also the millions of little things that add up too, that we’re pretty fed up with. I can’t even get a day in my life without pain for the most part. Was that really an unreasonable request too, to want to live pain-free? To want to sleep normally? To not have to hear our neighbor’s every move?

He didn’t get a chance to take another shot at getting the heap of shit to pass emissions, so maybe tomorrow, though I still think it’s too old to stand much of a chance, and as he said, there’s no way to know for sure if what was done to it today really helped it or not.

Whether or not it passes will tell me what God’s up to this time around. If it passes, He just wanted us to lose our savings in order to keep us trapped even longer in this room. That is unless there’s a miracle with the horses. I’m pretty sure this is why we were denied the Citrus Heights apartment and why the housing cost had to coincidentally drop when it did too; to keep us trapped here. Well, we came here to better our lives, not live like bums in a motel! So while He can stop us from going where we want to, He can’t keep us in this room forever either. I hate for the only way out to be suicide, but I’m sure most people would rather that than this!

But that’s exactly what may be happening here. God may’ve set us on the road to death once again, just not as quickly as the last time. If so, this time we’re not running to anyone for help, even if they have the means to do so. That wouldn’t be fair to them any more than to us. So if the truck keeps failing to pass, we’re out of here. Period. Whether we want out or not, the truck would eventually get pulled off the road, even though Tom said he saw a ‘9’ vehicle on the road the other day. If it was us, though, it would get yanked off the road, he’d be out of work, and if the horses were really just another joke on us or a reality that couldn’t happen fast enough, we’d end up starving on the streets if we didn’t kill ourselves first.

So much for thinking God really did care after all. He denied my prayers to get into Satish’s house and so far He’s been ignoring my emissions request. Guess you just can’t ask for what isn’t meant to be or else the horses would’ve taken off over a year ago. We might’ve ended up screwed for a while if they had, though, with the lousy internet connection we had to deal with our first couple of months here.

The truck’s either gonna pass, the horses are going to take off, we’re going to get out of this damn room and live where we want to for once, or the truck’s going to keep failing, get taken away, causing him to lose his job and us to die because we absolutely won’t be reduced to street life. I don’t see much else that could happen at this point. When our time’s up, it’s up, but I hope it’s not up just yet if the horses could work out. If the truck passes, but they’re not working out, then I still wouldn’t feel we had much hope, but we’ll see.