Woke up again at 140.0, so that’s 3 days in a row, unlike ever before. But I don’t think I’m going to get into the 130s until I figure out a way to cut my cals even more.

Won another pair of Hanes panties, but that’s it, as usual. It’s the 4th pair I’ve won from them. This time around it was a tan bikini in size 6. It’s amazing to know I can squeeze this big old ass into a 6 now. I think I like the hipsters the best, so that’s what I’ll start listing as my choice on the weekly entry forms. They’ll continue to be giving away 500 pairs a week till the end of the year.

The renters were shooting again earlier. Yeah, I’m not surprised. Complaining on renters is only a temporary fix, then they’re right back to their old shit. I’ve lived with enough renters to know this. They fired two “test” shots. I remember when the blacks would get testy, hoping that maybe, just maybe, we’d simply sit back and take their shit and not complain. They’d be quiet for a while after a complaint, then slowly build back up into their usual chaos. So next week, we’ll probably get 4 shots, 6 the next, then someone will have to complain again to shut them up for another month straight.

Jesse also got on my nerves today constantly coming and going as much as any other neighbor we’ve had. Either that, or also like any other neighbor we’ve had, he’s having a lot of company. More so than usual.

Tom and I, especially me, have come to realize that there just isn’t going to be any insurance anytime soon and that we’re just going to have to pay for a dentist ourselves. Dental insurance doesn’t cover much more than the basics anyway, and I need teeth pulled, fakes put in, and a whole lot of work done that far exceeds the basics. So hopefully – hopefully – we can get things started in a couple of months.

Boy, something wants him at Comtek real, real bad. Bad enough that I guess it was silly of me to worry about them laying him off. I mean first he has to miss work so we can play poor-ass bums when he’s a brand new employee, then he’s conveniently “guided” from above into accidentally asking for 30K on his resume (at least it seemed that way), and now he can’t get out because of the recession going on. Only this time around he’s not stuck at a job so he can have a nice raise. This time we both don’t get any insurance out of it, but we do have to pay nearly twice as much rent, plus a couple hundred in gas each month. And all with less money. I’m glad we got to live in a place that’s still much more peaceful than any other place I’ve ever lived, but California doesn’t seem to be full of the golden opportunities we sure thought it would be. The sweeps are shitty as hell, and even the samples are going down the tubes lately. We’re just so totally stuck in a rut, even if things are going ok overall. He could get another job, yes, but it too, would not include insurance. Fewer places are offering insurance or making employees pay a fortune for it because the economy is just horrible.

Tom is installing XP on the laptop right now since nothing’s compatible with Vista anymore than with OSX. Once this is done I can have my old recorder back. It doesn’t split the files, but at least I never had any problems with it, and can also edit songs with it as well.

I took Claritin yesterday and the day before. Of course, the first day it split my sleep in half and caused crazy dreams, but I slept ok last night. My ear still isn’t great, but it’s better. It’s just something I’ll have to suffer with on and off all my life, and there’s obviously nothing I can do about it, and it’s obvious God doesn’t want to help much with it either. I just hope He has a damn good reason for wanting me to live in pain so much of the time!

I ran two songs indoors yesterday until I had to stop because my calves were burning. I guess maybe I was going too fast when I ran outside and that’s why I tired out so fast.

I have two open stories still yet wouldn’t it figure that I just had to get a new story idea yesterday. And I just had to get it started while it was fresh in my mind. I typed 8 pages already. It’s called Rainbow Dreams. I’ll elaborate more on it some other time.

I got up at 4 AM and proceeded to make my coffee. Suddenly I heard a squeak, glanced at the rats and saw they were just sitting there. Then I heard it again and wondered since when rats were supposed to sound almost like guinea pigs. Then I realized where it was really coming from – under the sink. Sure enough, I opened it to find not one, but two mice, stuck to sticky boards. One was already dead, the other soon to follow. Once again they avoided the live trap altogether. It seems you can only catch them live in Arizona!

Yesterday I found I was up to 143 pounds and figured my body was going to reset itself to between 145-147 no matter what. But then today I awoke at 141, even though this is the second day I’ve been stuck, and I haven’t exactly been cutting my calories that low. Tom was unable to find calorie-free coffee creamer, but we got as low as 10 calories, so that’ll help.

Tom finally went to the dump a few days ago and said he didn’t have to wait long at all. They paid him for the recyclables and found out that it was $12 to dump other things. He’s going to make a couple of trips a week till we get caught up, getting rid of cardboard, bottles and other things.

Still getting more samples than wins. Pretty sad. So’s the fact that I’m up to 143 pounds, but I have been getting kind of carried away.

Tom’s been working on the horses. He says he doesn’t expect them to get us rich overnight, but that the money will gradually go up. Until I see them profit for a few months straight at the very least, I have no reason to believe there’ll ever be any serious money there.

Guess I’ll go watch a movie before Jesse gets up and goes engine-gunning.

Tom couldn’t get Audacity to work, which totally figures. Nothing is compatible with Vista and Macs!

Tom’s going to install XP on the laptop this weekend as I’m sick of nothing being compatible with Vista. This way I can have a radio that works better, and if I still can’t run Freecorder with no problems, I can at least use the All-Sound recorder I was using up in Oregon, that’s getting down to 38º tonight!

OMG, Jesse’s totally getting on my nerves right now! I appreciate the amazingly long and wonderful time we’ve gone without him coming down here, but does he really need to gun the motorcycle for 10 minutes???

I went out to jog a little while ago but found myself horribly tired after barely just one song. What the hell’s up with that? Did I just wait till it got too late in my day? I kind of had to seeing that I didn’t get up till after 10:00 last night. I figured if I waited till Tom got up, then I’d be tired for sure.

I’m wondering if my ear, which has been driving me nuts lately, is more of a congestion issue than a gunked-up issue. We oiled it for a week yet when he went to pick at it last night, there didn’t appear to be anything there that needed picking. So if it’s clean, then maybe it’s congestion. I took a pain pill at one point and the pressure really built up badly and it ached a lot. Then all of a sudden it eased up and I felt fluid draining down my throat on my left side, like the ear/throat tube was emptying itself out of congestion. Yet the Aleve couldn’t have had time to kick in. So maybe it really is that the tube is just getting blocked at times. After all, the doctor in Oregon said it didn’t need cleaning.

But why, then, did it take 10 years to become a problem? Tom says there are probably a lot of factors involved. Me aging, changing climates, elevations, etc.

Even Tom agrees things have been really dry with the wins lately. The whole year’s been shitty except for the Apple win. He thinks it means we’re sitting on a biggie. That’s what I was wondering, too. Well, if we are, then it must be a hell of a biggie, bigger than anything else I’ve ever won before because the wins have been that dry.

Tom’s going to load the old Audacity recorder/editor I used to use in Oregon on the laptop so I can go back to recording songs. This way we don’t have to go through either file share sites or use Pepsi codes to download them from Amazon.

We got the $50 Amex card I won so I did some shopping at carolwrightgifts.com and got a new robe, a few doll cases, a cushion for my office chair, and these gloves that are said to make peeling potatoes a snap. You just rub the skin off.

I have been unable to log in to Kiwi, yet when I logged in from a different account, my stuff was still there. Either they’re fucked up or some asshole that shouldn’t be reading other people’s journals complained and got me kicked off. It’s no biggie either way as I still like that other site better, plus it was getting too sociable for my tastes. I was getting sick of having to feel obligated to read/comment on my subbies’ journals. I’m glad I only had a few thousand points, too!

I won a Sexy Jesus shirt and doll. The doll’s kind of cute. The base has a little coil spring and a sticky underside. I stuck it to the top of my monitor, even though it overlaps a bit on the sides.

We were going to run copper wire through the big rat cage (the one that’s really a ferret cage) to try to make it more escape-proof, but Tom decided to get chicken wire instead.

My period, which I thought was over, decided to give me a little grand finale not long after I fell asleep. Although I got a spot on my sheet I was too tired to get up and wash them, so I jumped right up and did that as soon as I got up around 3:00 this afternoon.

Then I ate the free sample that came in the mail that Tom left for me when he went to pick up the mail and wire before work. It was a granola-like bar rich in fiber. There was also some cereal that came with the sample, but we were out of milk so I gave it to the rats.

After I ate and entered sweeps, I tackled a 4-hour job I thought would take just a half-hour or so. My hands are cut, my back aches like hell, and if these rats get out of the cage after all this time and work, I will absolutely squash them. Just squash them!

Today’s like what I expected yesterday to be like. I’m miserably hungry! I just want to run into the kitchen and eat everything in sight! I’m trying to keep busy to keep my mind off of food, but I’m in a lazy mood. I could work on my story some more, but I don’t even feel like doing that. Meanwhile, I think this will be the week I get down into the 130s. That is if I can keep from screwing up.

I wish this damn election would hurry up and end. I’m just so damn sick of seeing these people’s faces on every damn site I go to, and I’m beyond sick of hearing about them, too! Obama, Palin, pregnancy, Iraq, gas, taxes; if I never hear the words again it’ll be too soon!

I altered Twinkle’s outfit for Joy. It doesn’t look half bad. At least until I buy some fabric, print the pattern out for the dress that was made for this doll, and then pay some tailor to make it for me.

Not much is going on today. If there’s anything comforting to know about this day it’s that the drama queen no longer has any minor children. The damage is done, they’re scarred for life, and they’ll probably make lousy moms themselves if they have kids of their own, but the fact that no one’s got any legal control over them from here on out but themselves is nice to know.

I thought it would be hard to get back on track after yesterday’s binging, but it hasn’t been too bad so far.

Today was a nice day. First, though, I got a letter from Mary yesterday who says she could be out as soon as next month! Wow, is it finally happening? Is she really on her way out of there?! Well, if she isn’t, then somebody’s done a damn good job of convincing her she is. God, I hope not!

I was a little shocked to hear she’s going to be staying with her aunt Carolyn in Arizona for about a year until she can get her feet on the ground. This is because Carolyn’s husband was the pervert who molested her as a kid. I have to wonder how she can stand to live with someone who could do that to her. Guess it’s better than living with her mom and Derek, the father of her first child.

I just hope she’s gotten over her thing for abusive men and that she’ll choose life over children in the future. She’s never had a life or any real freedom yet and she’s coming up on 31 years of age. She deserves a shot at a real life for once, and it’s not like she’s exactly childless. I don’t know if she’ll ever see the two boys that were adopted, but I’m sure she’ll see Murphy. She’d make such a fantastic writer and has expressed a desire to help others who have been in her shoes. It’s her life and she has to do what she wants with it, but I do hope she won’t let any man or kids tie her down and prevent her from doing this, for her sake and the sake of those who could really benefit from all she has to offer.

She thanked me for the character reference letter and said she did get the trailer picture and could see why I’d like it here. She sent the letter before I sent the next letter where I enclosed 5 pictures, but seeing that I didn’t get them returned to me, I’d say they made it in to her and so I sent 5 more. Hopefully, I won’t get to send too many more before she’s out. Like I am, she’s psyched at the idea of doing email.

We got the $10 Red Robin GC I won, so we went to a Red Robin in Roseville, and oh my God! It was unbelievably loud and crowded. It amazes me to know we have this hidden little escape with all those people just 20 minutes away! Yeah, it was chock full of the usual loud, rude and obnoxious people this world seems too full of these days. The lack of people is one of the few things I miss from Oregon. Not even the Walmart up there was that crowded in the middle of a Sunday afternoon!

Despite the crowd, we were seated and served rather quickly. He got a cheeseburger and malt, and I got a mushroom burger and Hawaiian Heartthrob smoothie. It had strawberries, bananas, coconut and pineapple and was incredibly delicious! Both burgers came with steak fries. If we return I’ll try the fish and cod duo and get a Mudd Pie for dessert.

Having no room for dessert when we were finished, we headed for REI so Tom could use the $50 GC I won him, but he didn’t find anything that jumped out at him, so he’s going to check their online store again.

The weather was nice. A little warm, but not hot. This is because it was cloudier than it has been in months, so it helped keep it from being too bright or too hot.

Other than annoying nighttime barking, at last, the dam has burst and my period’s in full swing. Now I can lose more weight. Dieting sure keeps your teeth cleaner. I mean, they just don’t get as dirty when you don’t use them as much! Anyway, I beat my goal by two pounds. My goal before my next period is to be no higher than 140 pounds.

I STILL haven’t gotten my period, and Tom STILL hasn’t gotten any job calls, but I hit a new low of 140.2 pounds. I try to make sure I have no less than 1000 calories a day and no more than 1200. Of course, the latter of the two is the hardest! I’m not hungry all the time like I used to be as I’ve gotten conditioned to this new diet and exercise routine. I also make sure I don’t go longer than 4 hours without eating so I don’t get dizzy. Plus, the body kicks into “starvation mode” after just 4-5 hours without food, which isn’t a good thing. Been taking a multivitamin each day and drinking lots of water, too. I allow myself one regular cup of coffee when I get up, and a cup of decaf at the end of my day. I have one semi-big meal, one small meal, and two very small snacks throughout the day, usually fruit of some kind.

In my opinion, I still look terrible. 140 pounds is a lot for a 5-footer to be carrying. If I didn’t know any better I’d never believe I was once a 95-pound exotic dancer!

I love having a place that’s so long that I can zip up and down the length of it when I exercise. I hate square houses anyway. Too much like living in a box. This place may be too small overall, but I don’t feel boxed in here. Especially with nothing but trees around us for hundreds of feet.

The more I think about the renters next to us in Oregon, the more I’m sure there’s no way they could’ve been 100’ away. They couldn’t have been more than 30’–40’ away.

Wow, we broke a record! This is the longest we’ve gone without Jesse down here, 3 weeks and a day.

Today was a rather busy day for me. Between cleaning, sweeping, working out and other things, I made Joy, one of my favorite dolls, a new dress. It’s not quite done yet. I used satiny hot pink material from an old nightgown. Originally I was going to see if I could alter Twinkle’s light pink outfit for Joy, but she’s still wearing Bailey’s blue sleeper while Bailey’s now back in the dress I made for her. Joy had been wearing it for a while because the first outfit I made her fell apart.

I’m up a pound, though we both agree it’s probably water as opposed to yesterday’s little pizza party. Hey, at least I gave some to Tom and the rats!

This entry is to be short and sweet cuz I’m in a blah mood right now. Things could be a lot worse, but right now I feel like Tom’s never going to get out of Comtek, we’re never going to be insured, and I’m never going to a dentist again.

No more pain prayers! Or job prayers. They just don’t seem to be doing me any good. If I’m going to pray, I may as well pray for things that will be granted and seem to be getting granted so far, like keeping us safe from things like burglars and fires.

I’m also in a blah mood over not winning much lately. I tell myself not to bother working so hard for so little, but I get bored and so I enter sweeps. Sometimes I still wonder if I should concentrate more on getting stories published. After all, the publishers liked the plot of No Escape and Sacrifices. All they wanted me to do was flesh out the characters more and rework the discrepancies out of the manuscript, but there’s not much money to be made there either. Especially with lesbian lead characters. The writing world is pretty black and white. Either you don’t make much or you make a lot but only if you get so famous that your books are being turned into movies.

Wow, no sensitives came to bash my last entry. Maybe that’s because I added that if someone thought they may not like something someone may write in their journal, then they shouldn’t be reading other people’s journals to begin with! Yet the few replies I did get basically agreed with what I had to say. In most ways anyway.

Hit a new low of 140.4 pounds this morning, and of course that means I have to be extra hungry today. Hey, I’m entitled to a day off here and there, so French Bread pizza, here I come!

Now I’m 40 pounds overweight, instead of nearly 50. Of course, Tom disagrees, saying I’m more like 15-20 pounds overweight, especially for being middle-aged.

Tom slept over 10 hours and woke up feeling totally refreshed. Now we’re thinking he just got his schedule screwed up by taking daytime naps over the weekend. Breaking up your sleep like that can really wear you out.

The good news is that there’ll be plenty of work at work the next few days that won’t be overly physical, but that’ll ensure him full pay. The bad is that he still hasn’t gotten any job calls.

The other day I said, “Wouldn’t it be wonderful if the reason you couldn’t get out of there was that they were going to give you a huge raise, like how you tried to escape MCX in Oregon before they gave you a huge raise there?”

But this place doesn’t do huge raises. Not these cheap, greedy people! So what could be the reason God hasn’t answered my prayers job-wise other than to keep us uninsured longer? The longer I can’t go to a doctor, the more I’m in pain, another prayer has gone unanswered. I really should quit praying for what simply cannot be. After all, fate is fate. If He didn’t want me to suffer for some reason, be it to toughen me up or whatever, then I wouldn’t be suffering. The sensitive toothpaste has helped ease my tooth pain, but my ear still bothers me every now and then. What’s the point, though, for as soon as I get these things taken care of, there’ll just be something else! I’m just not allowed to live pain-free.

Right now I’m sitting here doing one of my least favorite things to do; waiting on someone. But I’m waiting on the propane guy that was supposed to come this morning. Tom left the money under the tank’s cap, but I’d still like to see him get it over with. The gauge is getting really low. If not, I’ll have to stress over my schedule some more till Tom can get a different company out that’s more reliable. I hate waiting on people! It totally inconveniences me, and I wish this stupid cock would show up now so I can take my shower!

There is some good news and that’s that I was surprised to wake up at 140.8 pounds! I definitely didn’t expect to lose any more before my period. I wonder if I’m still carrying the usual 3 pounds of water I gain right before my period. I’m not even as bloated as I was yesterday, and if it wasn’t for the sore boobs, I’d never know it was on the way.

Tom’s still tired today and so I’m still worried about him. I try to tell myself that everything’s ok, but sometimes things really aren’t ok no matter how much we’d like to think otherwise. I just hope it’s nothing serious!

Hang on, buddy! I’m going to win us a house or enough money to buy one sooner or later and get some of this stress off you. I really am. Oh, yes I am!

Later…

We are now officially propaned! “This morning” turned out to be 3:30 this afternoon, but I guess the guy had a lot of tanks to fill. The guy (there were actually 2) was very nice and informative. We had 18 gallons and he gave us 43, which he claimed was a little more than $100 worth. So now we have 61 gallons. The tank can hold 130 gallons which would cost around $300.

I’m going to win enough money to stuff it full, buy the RV, plus have a grand or two in savings. Oh, yes, I am. I’m gonna! I’m really gonna.

I can’t wait till this damn election is over! I’m really getting sick – no, I’m beyond sick – of hearing about Obama, McBigot and Palin, who’s using her pregnant teen for political gain. Sure seems to be anyway. Well, I don’t care who I piss off by saying this, but having a child as a child is wrong. It’s not only a waste of youth but a waste of life as well. Period. There is so much to learn and experience in life that simply can’t be done with kids in tow, and I think it’s essential to evolve before having kids. People praise this child for “taking responsibility,” but I don’t see how this is taking responsibility. If she really wanted to be responsible, then she would have prevented herself from becoming pregnant until she was an adult and or mature enough for one. And she would’ve had kids with someone who, like most guys these days, isn’t claiming he doesn’t want kids. But she didn’t take responsibility, so therefore, the child should’ve been aborted or adopted out as far as I’m concerned, and like I said, I really don’t care who disagrees with me. We all have a right to say what we want in our own journals and it’s ok to disagree.

I just think it’s kind of sad, if not sick, to see teenagers like Jamie Lynn Spears, who no one ever heard of, become oh so famous all of a sudden because she had a kid after she was jealous of big sister getting all the attention that she felt should be hers. It seems teenage pregnancy is not only praised in some ways but seen as “taking responsibility” when they have and keep the child. Rich, poor, married or not, what kind of mother can a teenager possibly make even if they have all the support in the world and are smart and mature for their age? I just can’t imagine why someone would want to end their life so young. It may not literally be the “end” for some, especially the rich and famous, but no matter what people may like to believe, it changes everything. I don’t have to have kids of my own to know this either.

I guess it just goes to show how different some parents are. This gay-bashing bigot, Palin, is proud of her little knock-up, but my mother would’ve been ashamed of me and seen me as an embarrassment. She’d have made me get an abortion or give it up if I were too late for one. I’d have been sad and angry for a while, but in the end, I’d have thanked her for giving me back something very precious to me – my life. Even later on in life, a child would have stunted my mental and intellectual growth, put a serious financial strain on Tom and me, and come between us as well. Kids are sweet and it’s not like I dislike them, so don’t get me wrong, but kids have a way of coming between even the most solid of relationships.

I understand that some people who are against abortion see it as murder and would say that a child shouldn’t die for its parent’s mistakes, but since I don’t see it as murder (because it’s medically impossible to have any awareness during the first few months of conception when they do abortions), but I see it as not getting to have to live with their mistakes. There have already been enough people born to people who shouldn’t have kids at any age, and if we don’t start taking responsibility like some other countries have by controlling the population, we’re going to eventually run out of space!

I also understand that people are going to be people and do their own thing and that if we were all meant to be the same in the things we think, do and believe, we would be. I know I can’t expect others to be as I think they should be. They have to be themselves. I just think sex and babies should be for adults who are mature, financially set, and not into drugs/alcohol. To me, it doesn’t matter what the genders of the parents are or even if they’re married. It’s about being ready. It’s also about using protection if you’re not ready.

Like I said, no one has to agree with me, just respect the fact that this is my journal, and I ain’t about to hold back in it!

Let’s see, what else pisses me off today. Oh, yes, the fact that people still tend to read things into things that aren’t even there. Some people see racial discrimination in everything! Some leader of a statewide group of college Republicans has been forced to resign after posting racially insensitive comments saying Obama has “a pair of lips so large he could float half of Cuba to the shores of Miami.”

Where was color or race mentioned in that statement? He was talking about his lips! My God, what if a black person said that about Angelina Jolie’s lips? Could we then cry reverse discrimination? Why is it only ok to say things like this about whites? And how come we can have black pageants, black entertainment channels, but if we had a white this or a white that, it’s labeled as discriminative?! GOD, I HATE THIS TWISTED WORLD AT TIMES!!!

We still can’t find a decent recorder, so Tom’s been getting songs for me mostly by using points from Pepsi codes. I miss the old Yahoo radio that let me download songs! I could still do that at Rhapsody, but it costs twice as much and isn’t as good.

We also can’t seem to get Firefox to remember my logins, so I’m back in IE. I hope it doesn’t crash as much as it used to. It’s both better and worse for sweeping. With FF I had to wait till the pages were fully loaded before Robo would fill the forms, unlike with IE. But when IE crashes it won’t restore your session by opening the last pages you had opened. Maybe I’ll just continue to use both.

Tonight I’ll be redeeming points for lotion.

I’ve decided I like my-diary.org best. It’s the ugliest, but the most straightforward. While it lets me make multiple entries in a day, it doesn’t let me make multiple journals, but I really like how it’s so simply laid out and is like a ghost town. I’d still prefer not to socialize. I can also edit past entries unlike on Kiwi. Kiwi’s definitely the trickiest to navigate too, though I love the huge color selection they’ve got for text and backgrounds.

After changing names, I’ve decided to put old journal excerpts on my-diary, but not on Kiwi. It’ll take several months to get it all on there but I’ve already got the first two years on. It’s an easy site to use for someone like – say – my sister. After all, she always did want to read my journals. The question is how to get word to her where they are without having to deal with her myself. If she didn’t know I knew she was reading them, that’d be even better, because then she’d know I really wasn’t holding anything back for her sake. I just have to laugh when I picture her reading some of the shit I’ve written, both pertaining to her and not. Under any other circumstance, I don’t give a shit about her. She fed me to the wolves, and regardless of the fact that she probably couldn’t have any way of realizing just what she put Tom and me through by going crazy with defending the man that abused her and her children, nothing can or will ever change what she did, and therefore I will never forgive her or give a damn about her. If I could I wouldn’t have gone this long without having anything to do with her. Nonetheless, the journals are one thing I can’t deny that cracks me up when I think of how freaked out she’d be at the thought of these things being published online, even though I stated that I changed last names and even dropped some altogether which is true. But unless we died before she did and whoever discovered us got word to her and my parents of the online sites I use (I have contact info in my handbag and on my PC), the only other way would be by sending her a letter and hoping she’s still at the last address I knew her to be at, or sending one to my folks and asking them to pass the information along, which I don’t know that I could trust them to do. This would also provide a means of contact I wouldn’t want Tammy to have. My parents obviously don’t want contact, but it’s hard to believe that Tammy wouldn’t. Anything’s possible, but abandonment has always been more my mother’s thing. Nonetheless, the whole damn family would probably shit if they knew the stuff I’ve put online! But I’m comfortable with who I am and I don’t worry about what others think, as funny as it is to picture a hysterical drama queen reading some of it. Ah, but I could never put her through a fraction of the stress she put me through! Sure wish I could, though. I wish I could make all those responsible for making me suffer, be it indirectly or not, experience similar suffering, but I can’t. So I have to hope that God isn’t protecting them and allowing them to get away with wronging me, but that He’s going to get them back for me in other ways. Maybe this is just wishful thinking, but hey, what else have I got in their case?

I look at the knowledge of the online journals/stories this way: I never thought that after 10 years of silence, I’d ever again speak to my folks, yet I did. So who knows? Maybe someday there will be a way to pass the site and user info along to her and disable comments as well.

My skin is so dry even with extra lotion, thanks to months with no rain. I can’t wait for it to finally rain!

Just when I was relieved not to have had any for several nights, I was back in that damn motel room in last night’s nightmare. I seem to have two different kinds of motel nightmares. The one where we can’t figure out how to pay for the next night, and the one where it’s check-out time and Tom has gone out to run errands or whatever and isn’t back in time to check out. Last night he just wasn’t back in time, we had 10 times more shit in the room than we had in reality, and I just couldn’t seem to get it all packed! Meanwhile, the “check-out” inspector kept sticking his nose into the room to tell me to unplug things, while someone else wanted to check into the room. They ended up going to the end room while I called down to the office. I asked for Michelle, but got someone else who said I could take a million days to check out if need be, and that I should know things about her! Then she asked a stupid question: Does she smoke? I gave a stupid answer: Yeah, you smoke 23 cigarettes a day.

Tom went to bed early. He’s been tired a lot lately, wondering if he has too much iron in his blood, something that’s hereditary. I just hope nothing’s wrong!

I’m not doing much right now. Just impatiently waiting for my period. My boobs are sore and I’m bloated to hell, but I’ve had some spotting, so it’s getting close.

No wins today. Just a couple of samples. A small beauty bar and tube of moisturizer from Dove, and a coupon for a free box of Cheerios.

They’re coming Monday morning to give us some propane. We’re only getting $100 worth, but that should last a couple of months or more. I thought Tom said he put $117 in when we first got here, but he said no, he put $179 in, and Jesse probably already had $100 in. We agreed that once we need heat, we’ll get most of it through the portables and sic the cost on Jesse. I can’t feel too bad about doing that to a guy who’s got money and who wakes me up enough of the time. Besides, the portables won’t cost as much in electricity as it would cost in propane to heat the place. At least I don’t think they would.

The new diet plan has helped me to cut my calories a bit, but if I go too many hours without eating I get dizzy, so I have to watch my timing. Like I said, I may be dropping in fat right now, but I’m gaining in water, so until my period is done which should be around the 14th if I’m on time, I won’t really see accurate results.

It’s a toasty one out there today at nearly 100º. We’ve got the cooler on high yet it’s 86º in here. Sitting still in front of the fan and with just a sports bra and shorts on, it’s tolerable enough. As soon as the sun sets the temp will drop fast.

I got my handbag yesterday. Tom brought it in with him after work. He stopped at the mail place on his way in to work. I love it! It’s even shinier than it looked online, and it’s much bigger than I thought it would be. It’s a good thing I didn’t get that other bag. That would’ve been overkill for sure as this one is still so empty even with all the shit in it I carry around. If we ever went on a long drive I could easily fit my good headphones in it or a book. I also like how this color goes with anything, as opposed to the other bag. The other one was also made of cotton which doesn’t last as long.

I was also surprised by winning two more Hanes panties. Both are cotton and size 7, which is now slightly big on me. I even dropped my bra size from 38C to 36C on the entry forms for those. As I said to Tom, though, of course I won more panties. I just bought some! Meanwhile, I’m not winning the bras I still could use. I’m glad I won them, though, as you can never have too many panties. One’s a hipster with green and orange stripes which I like because it’s low-cut, the other’s a solid purple brief, and believe me, they’re anything but brief. I can pull them up past my belly button! There’s nothing “brief” about that!

I also got more tampon samples and now I’ve got enough to plug up half a year’s worth of periods!

Speaking of periods, I do intend to bust into the 130s after this next one I’ll have next week. Oh, yes I do! And I’m helping to jinx-write it into reality by saying so in print.

With my period just a week away, I’m starting to get slammed with water, so I can’t get an accurate weight reading. I’ll just know I’m doing ok if I don’t get up as high as 147 pounds. I’ve revised my menu a bit. I was having my meal at the beginning of the day, then having to battle the hunger for the rest of it because the rest of the things I ate were these nothing 100-calorie snacks. I’ve decided to cut the little stuff out that does nothing to satisfy me, and just have two main meals. I can still have a fruit cup or two along the way so I don’t have to go too many hours without eating, but I think that knowing I have another filling meal awaiting me at the end of my day will help me stick to it better. Before, once the hunger returned a few hours after eating my one and only meal, I knew there was no getting rid of it until the next day. Maybe this way I won’t feel as pressured. So far I’ve reached my goal and my monthly high is 142 which was last month’s low.

Unfortunately, Tom hasn’t gotten any job calls yet, so he’s going to expand to companies that he was trying to avoid so as not to get spammed. I was like, “You’re worried about spam when you have to get out of this place ASAP before they go out of business? Screw that!”

We really need to get him closer to home too, and I’m sick of being uninsured! Even if it wasn’t closer, this small-company bullshit’s gotta end. These little places just aren’t reliable. We need him to be in a big company that’s well-established and isn’t in danger of going out of business. They also offer insurance you don’t have to give up half of your pay for.

Yesterday morning at around 10:00, we heard the ATV buzzing about, but Jesse has yet to get down here and finish the roof. I hate it when someone can’t finish what they start! And it wouldn’t surprise me if once he did get down here he didn’t finish it then either, so he can have yet another excuse to pester us again later.

Someone, probably Jesse, has been doing some kind of work around here with a large vehicle of some kind that beeps when it backs up. Maybe it’s his grader.

There was a huge brown dog on the porch yesterday sniffing at the bags of bottles. At first I thought it was a small deer or a goat, that’s how big it was. It ran scared when it saw me in the slider. It’s no stray, though, as it had a blue collar on. It didn’t look like either of Jesse’s dogs either, so it’s probably the renter’s. I hope they won’t be here long, but not only do I know that the same thing would move in to replace them if they left, but they’re also obviously not planning on going anywhere anytime soon with all those dogs. Not many rentals will accept someone with 3-4 dogs. I looked at the place by satellite and it’s twice as big as this place, although it’s safe to say that most places are bigger than a 500-square-foot trailer. It’s got tons of trees surrounding it, but sure enough, the only place with a big enough clearing to house dogs, since it’s a no-no in the west to take them indoors, is on the side of the house facing ours.

I was shocked and pleased to wake up at 141.0 pounds, a new low since the lowest I’ve gone since being here was 141.4. I screwed up yesterday, too. Not as bad as the day before when I had 2000 calories, but bad enough with 1500. I just can’t discipline myself down to 1000 a day to speed things up, but oh well. There’s really no hurry. The running really helps, especially now that I’ve got room to really run. Walking may help too, but not nearly as much because it just doesn’t tax the heart like running does.

My waist is now down 2”. It’s 34” right now. About 11” bigger than it should be for my height, but I’ll settle for getting it somewhere in the 20s.

So far I’ve gotten two win notices congratulating me on other people’s wins. Don’t I just do a fine job of getting others to win?! Huh? Don’t I?

Obama’s still the lesser of the two evils cuz he’s pro-choice, but he contradicted himself the other day. He and his wife had been saying a while back that they were going to fight for gay equality, yet he recently said he agreed with McBigot that marriage should be between a woman and a man. Well, if that’s so, wouldn’t that make him just as much of a bigot in that department?

And when are we going to have real-life diversity instead of the stereotypically old-fashioned married-with-children scene? Having an off-brand for president may be a step towards variety, but last I heard 10-20% of the population is gay, the marriage rate between straights is still declining, and you’ve got a 50/50 chance of being born to a married woman these days, so I gotta wonder when these political freaks are gonna get with the times. Yet it’s hard to believe we’ll ever have a person for president who’s either a woman, gay, single or childless.

I awoke at 141 pounds for the fourth time, which I was surprised to see since I screwed up yesterday. I had close to 2000 calories and ended the day a pound higher than I did the day before.

It is one chilly, fall-like morning out there! It’s in the upper 60s in here. It was that way yesterday morning too, but by 1:30 it crept up to the 80s and we had to put the cooler on. It was only in the 70s yesterday, today will be in the 80s, then for the next 4 days, we’ll be in the 90s like I like it.

Yesterday morning we went to Walmart.

Today Tom’s going to try to fix one of the tires that got a small puncture in it, and cut his hair in anticipation of the job interviews I hope to hell he gets! Better yet, I hope he gets hired and outa that damn warehouse he’s in now before they cut him back to part-time or go out of business altogether which is only inevitable!

We didn’t yet get a Barbie lot posted on eBay because Tom got his schedule messed up, though quite unlike myself, he can get it back where it needs to be in just a day.

Tom had an idea to make the bigger cage more escape-proof. He’s going to try weaving copper tubing through the bars at some point if the guy ever gets time. We still have to haul shit to the dump, but we figured we’d wait till he got a new job.

Even though I had a whole bag of Jelly Belly beans yesterday, I woke up at 141 for the third time. I’m sure it was only for 5 minutes, though!

Being the 1st, I’m swamped with tons of new sweeps, most of which are crappy or too much work, but need to be gone through nonetheless. I just hope I get more, if not as many, emails congratulating me on my own wins as I do other people’s wins.

Later…

Sure enough, it’s now 80º in here. I was enjoying the peaceful outdoors and walking briskly with my iPod while Tom fixed the tire. As he figured was the case, it was a nail. It took him a while to find it and get it out, but he did.

He called up to Jesse to let him know the rent was in the box. Now all I have to do is just hope we can pay October’s rent!

Tom pulled the portable heater from the shed, which I wish I’d had in the wee hours of the night when it was in the 60s in here.