We still can’t find a decent recorder, so Tom’s been getting songs for me mostly by using points from Pepsi codes. I miss the old Yahoo radio that let me download songs! I could still do that at Rhapsody, but it costs twice as much and isn’t as good.

We also can’t seem to get Firefox to remember my logins, so I’m back in IE. I hope it doesn’t crash as much as it used to. It’s both better and worse for sweeping. With FF I had to wait till the pages were fully loaded before Robo would fill the forms, unlike with IE. But when IE crashes it won’t restore your session by opening the last pages you had opened. Maybe I’ll just continue to use both.

Tonight I’ll be redeeming points for lotion.

I’ve decided I like my-diary.org best. It’s the ugliest, but the most straightforward. While it lets me make multiple entries in a day, it doesn’t let me make multiple journals, but I really like how it’s so simply laid out and is like a ghost town. I’d still prefer not to socialize. I can also edit past entries unlike on Kiwi. Kiwi’s definitely the trickiest to navigate too, though I love the huge color selection they’ve got for text and backgrounds.

After changing names, I’ve decided to put old journal excerpts on my-diary, but not on Kiwi. It’ll take several months to get it all on there but I’ve already got the first two years on. It’s an easy site to use for someone like – say – my sister. After all, she always did want to read my journals. The question is how to get word to her where they are without having to deal with her myself. If she didn’t know I knew she was reading them, that’d be even better, because then she’d know I really wasn’t holding anything back for her sake. I just have to laugh when I picture her reading some of the shit I’ve written, both pertaining to her and not. Under any other circumstance, I don’t give a shit about her. She fed me to the wolves, and regardless of the fact that she probably couldn’t have any way of realizing just what she put Tom and me through by going crazy with defending the man that abused her and her children, nothing can or will ever change what she did, and therefore I will never forgive her or give a damn about her. If I could I wouldn’t have gone this long without having anything to do with her. Nonetheless, the journals are one thing I can’t deny that cracks me up when I think of how freaked out she’d be at the thought of these things being published online, even though I stated that I changed last names and even dropped some altogether which is true. But unless we died before she did and whoever discovered us got word to her and my parents of the online sites I use (I have contact info in my handbag and on my PC), the only other way would be by sending her a letter and hoping she’s still at the last address I knew her to be at, or sending one to my folks and asking them to pass the information along, which I don’t know that I could trust them to do. This would also provide a means of contact I wouldn’t want Tammy to have. My parents obviously don’t want contact, but it’s hard to believe that Tammy wouldn’t. Anything’s possible, but abandonment has always been more my mother’s thing. Nonetheless, the whole damn family would probably shit if they knew the stuff I’ve put online! But I’m comfortable with who I am and I don’t worry about what others think, as funny as it is to picture a hysterical drama queen reading some of it. Ah, but I could never put her through a fraction of the stress she put me through! Sure wish I could, though. I wish I could make all those responsible for making me suffer, be it indirectly or not, experience similar suffering, but I can’t. So I have to hope that God isn’t protecting them and allowing them to get away with wronging me, but that He’s going to get them back for me in other ways. Maybe this is just wishful thinking, but hey, what else have I got in their case?

I look at the knowledge of the online journals/stories this way: I never thought that after 10 years of silence, I’d ever again speak to my folks, yet I did. So who knows? Maybe someday there will be a way to pass the site and user info along to her and disable comments as well.

My skin is so dry even with extra lotion, thanks to months with no rain. I can’t wait for it to finally rain!

Just when I was relieved not to have had any for several nights, I was back in that damn motel room in last night’s nightmare. I seem to have two different kinds of motel nightmares. The one where we can’t figure out how to pay for the next night, and the one where it’s check-out time and Tom has gone out to run errands or whatever and isn’t back in time to check out. Last night he just wasn’t back in time, we had 10 times more shit in the room than we had in reality, and I just couldn’t seem to get it all packed! Meanwhile, the “check-out” inspector kept sticking his nose into the room to tell me to unplug things, while someone else wanted to check into the room. They ended up going to the end room while I called down to the office. I asked for Michelle, but got someone else who said I could take a million days to check out if need be, and that I should know things about her! Then she asked a stupid question: Does she smoke? I gave a stupid answer: Yeah, you smoke 23 cigarettes a day.

Tom went to bed early. He’s been tired a lot lately, wondering if he has too much iron in his blood, something that’s hereditary. I just hope nothing’s wrong!

I’m not doing much right now. Just impatiently waiting for my period. My boobs are sore and I’m bloated to hell, but I’ve had some spotting, so it’s getting close.