I viewed the front of Stacey’s house on Google Earth and am almost sorry I did. I feel almost as hurt and as jealous as I am wowed by it. It’s a fucking gorgeous house! Totally my dream house. It had a really cool odd shape and split levels. It wasn’t a square or a rectangle. It was probably 2000 square feet or more. Most of the houses there are nice, and while I’m sure car stereos and barking dogs are a problem there, it’s just so not fair! What, was I not a big enough bitch (she was so like my mother was) to deserve to be in such a nice place for so long and without the money problems attached to it? Ok, so maybe it was a different Stacey, but I doubt it.

As beautiful and as peaceful as this place is despite the fact that there aren’t any of my favorite trees or flowers visible from this place, I have to once again question “God’s will.” Why has she been meant to live in such luxury while we’ve mostly been meant to live in dumps? They’ve obviously been quite successful and I’d be willing to bet they have absolutely zero concept of what it’s like to struggle. But why? What makes them so much more deserving than Tom and I? Why can they drive? Why can they have a normal sex life? Why can they sleep with their loved ones? Why could they have kids when they wanted them? Why can they have money and security? Why can they keep a schedule?

I used to tell myself that I was blessed, but I don’t know about that anymore. Sure, I’ve got some blessings and that’s great, but am I really truly more blessed than usual? I’ve got Tom, I’ve got my share of talents and skills, but I don’t think I’m really any more blessed on a general basis. If anything, I think I’m more cursed than usual when you add up all the problems I’ve had, be it because of other people, my own stupidity, or seemingly just because.

Having a sleep disorder that keeps you from keeping a schedule is a HUGE curse from God right there! It’s better than being blind or paralyzed, but it’s bad enough. That’s got to be runner-up to the shit my family put me through. Again, I have to question what kind of a friend He really is to me, though I am still praying. What kind of God would do this to someone? I could’ve saved our house and kept us from struggling as badly as we have if I could’ve gotten out there and worked, too. Sure, I’d probably only have made minimum wage over the years and I’d have no doubt gotten fired from one job after another cuz I don’t get along with people (or better yet, they don’t get along with me), but it would’ve prevented a whole lot of nightmares. Being able to keep a schedule even if I never worked outside of the house would still make life tremendously easier. Jesse wouldn’t seem as much of a pest, and I wouldn’t get woken up as much. I’ve been sleeping better since I started using both the sound machine and an off-dialed radio station on the stereo to create white noise, but to say it would’ve helped tremendously when we were in the city and motels is an understatement!

So while I still feel more hurt than angry that God would allow me this schedule problem as if I hadn’t had enough problems already in life, and while it’ll never be “ok” or acceptable in any way, every burden really does have its blessing. Sleep disorder or not, lost money or not, I’m glad I don’t have to work outside the house with some of the world’s fuck-ups. I’m sure I don’t have to remind you just how many incompetent, rude assholes there are in this world. Every job’s got its fair share of them, that’s for sure! I also appreciate having more time here for cleaning, sweeping and other things.

I just hope God will one day compensate for our hardships and the lack of disability money I should be receiving with a new home, even if it’s not that nice.

I suppose some may say I shouldn’t have this “poor me” attitude, keep in mind that some have it worse, and quit feeling sorry for myself, but I can’t help how I feel at times. Besides, there are no right or wrong emotions, and hey, I just get tired of seeing some of the most non-deserving people get it all, even though we had plenty of reasons to want out of that house in Maricopa!

I’m still enjoying the ease of my shorter hair, but starting to miss my long hair. Ah, but that’s one area I am blessed in; having hair that grows fast!