No!!!! I HATE it when sites change things, especially when the changes are big. I hate change! And MyOpera’s getting ready to change – argh! But I like MyOpera the way it is. That’s why I came here! If they change what I came here for, then I’m not likely to stick around, even if it means losing the stats that don’t work half the time anyway. It really stinks that people can’t leave a good thing alone. Nothing stays the same for long and all good things really do come to an end. MyOpera’s fine the way it is. What they really need to do is just fix the few glitches it has - background pics not loading, not being able to keep blocked users out of the shoutbox which hasn’t been working for weeks, that sorta thing.

Before Jesse gets to making a racket, though I hope that being a Sunday means he’ll give us a day off, I’m going to crank out another article on crushes vs. love. Bet Maliheh will find that one a bit interesting, LOL. Yeah, part of the reason I’m writing it is to hopefully generate enough interest in her that she’ll click the link and help up my earnings.

Later…

Alison brought up a good point about the fact that Maliheh might have chosen to ignore my friend request for now on Facebook, though they call it Not Now on their Help page. 

If I had to guess, she already took action by denying the request, though it still appears as pending. But you know what? I’m SICK of guessing! I wish she would just come out and tell me what’s up with this! She knows she can contact me. What would be so hard in saying, “I’m still thinking about whether or not I want to accept it,” or “I denied it,” or “I never got it in the first place?”

But guessing is all I’m allowed to do, apparently, and so my top guess is it’s a bug. I didn’t report it, though, and say that I suspect it was denied even though it still says it’s pending. I’ll just let it sit there saying it’s pending forever.

It also said that if you do choose Not Now you can go back later on and reject or accept it.

But what am I supposed to do here? Does she expect me to ask her directly whatever it is I want to ask? Am I supposed to sit back and wait patiently until she comes to me? Or are we supposed to forever ignore each other except for what messages I may send her at times and what blog views I may receive from her, just like we’ve been doing so far except for that one day we swapped a couple of messages? Or comments, I should say. Like I said, I really wish she’d give me some kind of clue or a sign as to what she expects of me. Or maybe she already has and I’m just too stupid to see it.

I can’t believe that Molly has viewed my page 20 times today. As I said before, the crazier a woman is, the more attention I get from her. Maliheh may be a bitch (ok so maybe I am a bit turned on by those hard-ass types) but she’s definitely not crazy. Therefore I don’t “qualify” for nearly as much attention from her, LOL. She just needs to start hanging out with me online and chatting or something. I’d get a touch of craziness into her that way for damn sure and probably have loads of fun doing it, too. :)

The Girl in the Mirror is off to write another article, but if she doesn’t get paid soon she’s not going to be the girl in Helium’s mirror! I think I might start writing under my own name, though. That way, if by some miracle I do get paid, there won’t be any name confusion on PayPal’s part. Who needs a pen name anyway?

In other news, I got the kind of attention from Dieter I wish I could get from Nane but never will. He started off by commenting on one of my articles which I’m posting links to on my blog, Twitter and Facebook. He agreed with my views on lesbianism not being caused by male attitudes. If that were the case most women would be gay, LOL. He also asked how I knew Nane and I told him like it was. I simply told him we met on a language learning site and that I came out and told her I thought she was attractive. Also, I wasn’t sure if the feeling was mutual, but she seems open-minded with what little I know about her.

He replied with a “yes!”

“Yes, it’s mutual, or yes she’s open-minded?” I asked.

He said he didn’t know, he just loved her. I agreed she seemed like a very loveable person, but I didn’t hear as much from her as I’d like. I understand she’s busy, though, I added.

“She’s very special to me,” he said next and I asked how they met and how she was special to him.

Then he said that there we were talking about her and she didn’t even know it.

I said that I was just thinking the same thing and hoped she wouldn’t want to serve my head for dinner if she stumbled across the discussion, not that we said anything bad about her, and not that I thought she would go to my wall and read it (unless he tells her about it).

“Wait for her comments,” he said.

I politely agreed to, though as I pointed out earlier, Nane doesn’t usually comment or message me without it being a reply to a comment or a message I sent first.

Nos vamos a ir – oops! Started to write this entry in Spanish, LOL. We went to the post office so I could cash Paula’s money order. Strangely enough, the guy at the desk never asked to see my ID or had me endorse the money order. Maybe he figured it was only for $10, so who cares? Then Tom got a money order for the rent and we came back to spend a day lazing around and eating everything we shouldn’t. At least I spent yesterday dieting off that extra pound I hash browned on the day before that, LOL.

Today I’m making a point of not doing anything that isn’t fun. That means I’m just going to write, study languages, and of course we’ll both take breaks to keep the rat entertained while listening to Jesse. Yeah, despite the rain we’re having today Jesse is still determined to steal the peace. I hear him buzzing about on the ATV and I’m sure the bulldozer will be next. Next week he’s really going to be raising hell and driving me crazy as it’s to be warm and sunny all week.

Although I don’t expect much revenue from it, it’s cool that I was offered a “job” writing articles at Helium and I like how you can pick any topic you want. Now that I did that 417-word article on gay marriage, maybe I’ll do a language-learning article next.

It’s just that the site is a bit complicated. I’m not sure I get it all. My ranking went from 9 out of 15 to 7 out of 15 since I posted it, so I guess that’s a good thing. But it seems I must have at least 1 star in order to get paid and I may have to write 10 articles in order to do that and get myself noticed more so I can be rated and all that stuff. So I guess I better get thinking about what else to write about. I guess the more views you get the more you get paid too, so I gotta think of not only things I know enough about to write about but things that are more popular.

They even have a creative writing contest section and I may submit some stories, but don’t know for sure yet.

A friend of Nane’s added me on Facebook. An older gentleman who left some nice comments on my photos who also lives in Germany and who also knows English.

Ok, here’s what’s been eating at me, but I must, must stress up front that I’m not trying to argue, challenge, accuse or piss anyone off! I’m merely stating my feelings and my opinions. That’s all I’m doing!

I know I said it doesn’t matter what happened 19 years ago as far as the little details go, and it’s true. It doesn’t matter. What actually happened isn’t the issue. But it bothers me a bit that Maliheh would lie about who kissed who and about us exchanging numbers at the bar. It just seems like such a silly thing to lie about. I also realize that our memories do worsen with age and that maybe she isn’t knowingly and intentionally lying, but really truly does remember it to be the way she said it was. Like I said, I’m not trying to call her a liar. But if I knew for a fact that she was deliberately lying about it, then why? Why?

I don’t remember every little thing that happened myself. It was a long time ago and I too, am getting older. But I clearly remember her kissing me on my way out and us exchanging numbers very well, and like I said before, kissing cheeks isn’t my thing. I probably wouldn’t even hug anyone I didn’t know well. Nor would I ask someone else your number if you’re standing right there in front of me and I can just ask you directly. And I couldn’t look anyone up whose last name I didn’t know. There’s nothing wrong with those who kiss or hug people they just met. I’m just saying it isn’t me. But being kissed by someone you were madly attracted to the instant you laid eyes on them isn’t something you forget easily. There is no doubt in my mind as to who kissed who and I wasn’t at all offended by it. I was actually quite flattered. What I don’t remember is who suggested exchanging numbers, but I’d guess it was me. This was when I learned her full name. She wrote it down with her number and so that’s how I could write it in my journal back in 1991 and how I could look her up on Facebook last spring.

I’m just bothered by the fact that if it isn’t a case of her memory being jumbled up she would say it was the other way around and that I kissed her and got her number from someone else because if you can lie about that, you can lie about other things. Again I am NOT saying she’s lying. I’m just saying she could be. But I’m not a mind reader. I can’t see into her mind and “see” if she’s lying or if she just doesn’t remember things correctly. I don’t think any less of her and it’s not like I’d go run and cancel the friend request thing if she came out and said she did lie. I just want her to be truthful about it is all, and why not? She was truthful about everything else. A little off on the timing of the calls, but I attribute that to the pig who wrote up the report, not her, as most pigs will lie and exaggerate every chance they get. Can’t blame her for them writing that I started calling her before we met and kept calling long after I was caught and in court for it.

I had a dream about us joking over who kissed who, but seriously and as I would tell anyone unless your memory truly has gone to hell, please don’t bullshit me. It serves no purpose other than to cause others to mistrust us when we hold things back or turn things around.

Good morning. Before I get on with my work (and before Jesse gets noisy), my new tropical lotion smells like furniture polish and I’m up a pound. Guess that’s what I get for having that extra hash brown yesterday.

I’m keeping the bedroom door shut so the rat has one less room to cause trouble in when I feel like letting him out to run around and raise hell.

Maliheh’s late in coming to my blog again, and again I have to wonder if it has to do with me.

Later…

Just a quick entry to cap off the rest of the day. Especially since I don’t know if I’ll have time to write much over the weekend, and if I do I’ll be wanting to catch up on my story which Jesse wouldn’t let me work on today, assuming it’s too rainy for him to be able to make a racket.

That damn cock drove me crazy for nearly 5 hours “tending the farm.” You know, the one we don’t have. It sure sounded like we did, anyway. He was bulldozing God knows what up by his place. The day ended up pretty much going to waste as I could not concentrate on anything because that thing is so loud and obnoxious. It’s clouding up now and starting to rain, but in a few hours, the dogs will take over the racket as he heads into Sacramento overnight. That’s ok, though, as I’ll be crashing by then.

Tom was saying he was smoothing out ruts in the drive from all the rain we had, but he was clearly working up at his place today, not on the drive. I went out to see if I could get a sense of what was going on, hoping to run into him so I could ask how much longer it would take, but I could only catch a glimpse of him through the trees towards the back front of his place, heading towards us. He couldn’t have been in his backyard since he couldn’t get the thing back there and there’s nothing to bulldoze back there. You can’t see the backyard anyway with the house, hills and trees in the way unless you actually go into it. There’s nothing to bullshit in front either, so my guess is he was clearing the firebreak area, though it makes no sense to do this after fire season. Tom said some trees might’ve gone down. He might’ve been gathering firewood too, but whatever the hell he was doing, I just hope it won’t become a regular thing! Yet I fear that any day it’s sunny and not real hot, he’s going to be doing something. He’s the nervous type who just can’t sit still. Spending hours with a good book or in front of a TV simply isn’t him, and he has no computer either. I just think tending the land in ways that really annoy the hell out of me when I’m on days is going to be his new “job,” bad back or not.

Tom overheard something rather uncool at work and that’s other temps saying they’ve been temps for 11 months yet still not hired. I’m not at all surprised. Unfortunately, it’s a very common practice to hire temps so that employers don’t have to insure them. Most workers seem to be temps these days. But that’s ok. We don’t need insurance and I don’t have to go to a dentist. I’ve been dealing with dental pain since around 2004 and am plenty used to it by now. And the more teeth that die the less they hurt. It’s been much better since the last two died. Maybe I’ll be insured in a few more years if the so-called health reform thing really is for real and it really kicks in. If not, there’s always Medicare when I’m 65. We would still rather he have a good-paying job, even as just a temp, than no job at all. Getting a permanent position is very hard to do these days anyway, as I just said.

Still no visits from Maliheh today. Again, is she weaning her way off of my blog now that the story’s done? I realize she could just be busy, but I have a feeling I’m going to start seeing a pattern here. Perhaps she stuck around after the story to surprise me by still coming around, then just as I was all happy over that she decided to deflate my bubble. IDK, but it’s obvious she’s never going to like me or accept the friend invite. Oh well. We win some and we lose some in life. And I’m her loss as well, even if she can’t help but feel the way she feels and has every right to do so.

My OSU fan still comes around, surprisingly. I thought they were only coming for the story, but apparently not.

I wasn’t going to do an entry, but I guess I could squeeze a quick one in before bed, though I should be up for a couple more hours.

If I didn’t love my rat so much I’d have grabbed the piece of vermin by the tail, opened the door and tossed him out. The furry bastard chewed one of my speaker wires right in half! Luckily Tom’s a real genius with stuff like that and he fixed it in just a few minutes.

I also really wish Jesse could give me a day off from the goddamn ATV and motorcycle! Is he going to do this every fucking day that it’s under 90º and not raining?! The motorcycle’s loud, but it’s not buzzing around and around the place like crazy for hours. Yet he went back and forth and back and forth on the fucking ATV like crazy for hours. He left around noon on the motorcycle and I figured next would come the barking, though it didn’t since we hit 70º out there and they prefer to go off when it’s colder. But then 10 minutes later he returned. I still can’t believe so much racket can come from where just one person lives. Just one person!

Just when I thought he would finally shut up for the day, I get hit with the bullshitter in the late afternoon. It’s either him or his fucking dogs! If I didn’t know any better I’d swear we were living on a farm with all the machinery noise we get hit with.

Sorry to do nothing but complain in this entry, LOL. Things could be worse! I still got part of the first chapter of my new book done.

Jesse’s racket didn’t go on for too long, fortunately, and Tom said he actually did him a favor. I guess he had a small pile of brush in the drive for a while, and while it was easy enough to drive over, Tom was going to move it out of the way later on. By the sound and smell of it, Jesse was gathering and burning brush. That’s why the ATV sounded so close. Hopefully, he’ll stay put today. I have a lot of writing and language studying to do today.

As some of you know, for the longest time I was a very non-forgiving person. Easy to piss off and easy to lose. And while I’m trying to be more tolerant and accepting, I stopped communication with Marie for a handful of months because I couldn’t take her obsessive ways and paranoia. My inbox would be flooded every day with messages galore and I would be accused of “plotting” against her or not giving a damn if I didn’t reply instantly. Any talk of Maliheh or anyone else she knew I was attracted to in more than just a friendly way (even though I don’t ever expect to actually see Maliheh in person) would drive her insane with jealousy. As I told her, it’s ok to feel what you feel, but the way you’ve been handling it really puts a lot of stress on me. I’d be jealous too, for example, if I knew someone was with Maliheh (even though I can’t imagine us ever being able to cut it in a relationship anyway because we’re so different from each other and too similar in some ways as well), but while I’d feel jealous I would know and understand she has the right to live her life as she sees fit. And I would be happier for her if she was happy than I would be jealous.

While I think I may end up regretting it, I sent Marie a message on Facebook and told her that if she can not bombard and smother me with a million messages, and keep her paranoia at bay (I promised her I would never write about why she is the way she is), then she can say hello on my blog every now and then to let me know she’s alive and well. I do think of her from time to time and I did love her once. She then sent me a friend invite saying she’d email me. I accepted it but made it clear that I didn’t want to go back to doing a million emails and messages. That’s how trouble starts. I not only don’t want a million messages a day, but I don’t have time for that as I tried to tell her before. But for some reason, she seems to be afraid to come to my blog. Maybe that’s because she knows I’ll know it (if and when the stats happen to be working) and I think this is why I feel I can trust Maliheh and that she has nothing to hide or any evil intentions in mind for me; because she’s at least got the guts to show herself. waves hand Hello, good looking. :)

And now I’m running off to see what my adorable little ratty has decided to get into this morning. He’s probably tearing things up in the closet. shakes head

OMG, this is so funny! I just got a reply from Marie saying “LOL, yes boss” to my reminding her I’m not going to go back and forth a million times a day with the paranoia and the messages. So Maliheh’s my boss and I’m her boss, LOL!

I woke up this morning and the first thing I asked myself was, “Was yesterday just a dream? Did I only dream she contacted me? The REAL Maliheh?” Then I grinned ear to ear when I realized that no, it wasn’t a dream. She contacted me – yay! She really, really did. The real one. We disagreed on half the things we discussed, but she contacted me – yippee! She’s not at all pleased by my story, but she contacted me – woot! She may even think I’m ugly and the shittiest writer on earth, but she still contacted me – woo-hoo! I’m pretty ecstatic even if she didn’t exactly tell me what I wanted to hear at times. The biggest thing I disagree with is who kissed who, but if we’re going to sit and worry about every petty little detail from the past, we may as well all argue over what we had for dinner 10 years ago and what we saw on TV 20 years ago on a particular day. In other words who cares as long as we’re kind and respectful to each other from here on out?

Let me get my half-assed cyber girlfriend out of the way first and save the best for last. We ended up chatting on Facebook. She was at work and said that if she doesn’t reply right away it was cuz the boss man was around. It was 1am here and 10am there in Germany. For some reason, I didn’t feel that excitement I used to feel when we’d chat or swap messages. I found the conversation to be a bit boring, actually, though it was still nice. As she put it, she’s freezing her ass off at 5º C.

Also, she started learning English in 5th grade and needs it for her job as a financial sector, and she even lived in New York for a few years. She’s traveled to many countries but has never been to California. She’s more the Mediterranean type who loves the sun and sea so she goes to Turkey every 2-4 weeks cuz it’s cheap and less than a 3-hour flight and she loves the food and music there. I was actually the one who ended the conversation cuz my tummy was growling and I wanted to go eat, LOL.

I do like, however, that she’s a more “classier” flirt. She’s not cheap and slutty about it like Marie was where that’s all she talks about, thus giving the impression that’s all she cares about. From Nane, I get just an occasional reference that actually makes it more special when she compliments something about me or my appearance.

Now to get on with someone in my own damn country who actually pays more attention to me and cares a little about me – yes, I know it’s not literally about yours truly but about what she says – while I turn the rat loose for his exercise and to no doubt get into some sort of shit he’s not supposed to get into. He likes to cause trouble a hell of a lot more than I ever did, LOL.

I said seeing her on my list always makes me smile, but when I first checked my stats today, believe me when I say it isn’t humanly possible to smile as much as I saw her. Yeah, the stats are way, way messed up. They’re getting worse all the time too, but I’m not going to say how many times she was listed. I’m supposed to be sticking to feelings, not facts, LOL.

I have thought about it and decided to pretty much abandon the story. Yes, I could edit it. That’s part of what we writers do. But seeing that those who wanted to read it already have, I see no point in taking on such a huge job when I have other projects lined up, including one which I’ve been asked to write that I might get paid for. I’m not at liberty to discuss that part of it right now. So unless I do decide to re-work the manuscript later on down the road, Evil Amongst the Evergreens is history.

The biggest bummer about yesterday’s contact – even more of a bummer than her saying I kissed her – was to learn that she is obviously less than pleased about the story. I don’t know why she didn’t come forth a lot sooner than she did to tell me she wanted out of it, as I’d have been perfectly willing to give her the boot and kick her out, but I guess she had her reasons. Apparently, she misunderstood me about not contacting me. When I thought she was the one bugging me on Formspring I told her something like, “I know it’s you! Do NOT contact me again.” But after I learned who it really was and apologized for accusing her, I thought she knew I was open to contact at that point on, but I guess not. But hey, Maliheh and I have always done a much better job of misunderstanding each other than actually getting where the other’s coming from, LOL. In fact, I just might worry about us if we ever started “getting” each other!

I’m very sorry she’s not at all flattered or honored in any way where the story’s concerned. But she has a right to feel as she does though she is definitely a first. Many times I’ve based characters on people I know and they were thrilled. Using real people helps me to visualize and to make the characters “real.” As I was telling someone the other day, visualization is very important. If you can’t see or feel things within your story, your readers won’t either.

Some people have suggested that it may not be that she doesn’t like the story or the plot or how it’s written, but may actually fear that I may profit from it. Well, she hasn’t said anything either way other than to get her name and description out as well as the past, but I don’t think she worries about the potential for me to make money from it. First of all, life may not always be what we plan it, but I didn’t write the story with money in mind and as I’m sure she can see, the story isn’t that marketable. I may not be the worst writer, but I’m not the best. There are many authors that could’ve done a much better job with it. It’s also not a full-length novel because it’s under 100,000 words. But at nearly 62,000, it’s too much to be a short story.

Alison says it’s cute how I went out of my way to please her, LOL. Yeah, anyone else I’d tell them to fuck off and don’t ever tell me what to do, but as long as my “boss” doesn’t demand something over my head or totally off the wall, I don’t mind behaving and her keeping tabs on me, LOL. I write, she supervises. That seems to be the way it is, LOL.

Speaking of supervising, I had a reverse dream premonition, you could say. I dreamt she left a comment after she actually did. Just in case it wasn’t just a backward premonition, though, the first thing I did when I got up was to see if anything else came in from her, but nope. I doubt we’ll ever speak again. :( Then again, that’s what I said before about her contacting me in the first place.

Anyway, I had another dream of her that was a bit more X-rated and definitely a lot more fun. But I’ll get to it later since I can already hear the rat getting into trouble. I also have to run and get my ab crunches and push-ups out of the way.

Later…

I knew it! I just fucking knew it. It was coming up on 11:00 and I said to myself, “That damn pest of a landlord up the hill that can’t sit still and shut up for long is gonna be at his fucking engine gunning games any second.” I knew he was about due for it because we’re entering the rainy season when thankfully, he’ll only have so many days to make a racket, break my train of thought, and annoy the hell out of me. Sure enough, he fired up the bullshitter, then I heard him buzzing about on the ATV. He even went zipping by this place for some reason I can’t understand. He didn’t stop to get anything from his shit pile, so did he just want attention? To annoy me?

I’m going to have to start sleeping with the sound machines really cranked up when I’m on nights because I know he’ll be down here much more often. Or at least outside running the bullshitter.

On the bright side, those dogs sure have been a million times quieter. No more 8-hour barking sprees day after day, though we’ll get hit with it every Friday night that he continues to spend in Sacramento. I’m hoping he still won’t want to be here much in general as is usually the case, but if he’s out of work, there are only so many places he can go so often. But yeah, he doesn’t seem to want to be here much, and when he is he lives outside whenever he can running loud shit.

I’m blasting music now to drown him out and I’m not even answering the door if he comes to it. I’ve asked enough times to be called first.

We’re going to get rained on again in a couple of days so that should chase him indoors for a while. I’m totally jealous of Maliheh’s weather right now! It’s so cold here at just under 60º and she’s near 90º. No fair! How can that be a cold climate, I wonder, though my research clearly says it is. Not like MA or OR, but colder than here. It rarely snows here, but that’s not supposed to be the case where she is. I hope I’m not saying too much about her “life,” but she can let me know if talking about her weather/climate is a no-no she wants to reprimand me for or not, but I think it’s ok. :)

As if noisy landlords and cold weather weren’t bad enough, the rat jumped up on my lap waving his little arms. I could see he had something stuck to him. Sure enough, he managed to jump on the shelf where our stamps were and so he had postage stamps decorated all over him. :( Since when did having a rat get to be like having a two-year-old around? So I pry the stamps off he’s got stuck on him and he squeals at me. Well, he’s the one who was dumb enough to mess with them!

Tom said that he didn’t know if this was good or bad, but that they let a regular worker at work go, and a new temp failed to show up. As I said, it would help to know why the regular was let go in order to say if it was good or bad. He said he’s not sure, but thinks the guy was missing too much work. If that’s the case, then it’s a good thing. As long as they’re not downsizing! But from what he can tell the company does a lot of business and is really thriving well. They said 2-4 months when they hired him. Well, we’re just now past the 2-month marker so that’s good.

Wow! My God, just wow. I finally heard from Maliheh! I copied the comment she left me on my blog, followed by my reply, “20 questions,” and random facts about myself which I posted yesterday. She left it while I was sleeping. I got it when I got up at midnight. At the end of all this stuff, I will do today’s regular entry.

She wrote: The facts from 19 years ago. I meet you at a bar called Pearl Street - that would have been a Wednesday night. I don’t remember who introduced us but if it was as you say we met thru a person that was in a signing club at Umass (not a class) . I talked to you for a few minutes. I danced like I did every Wednesday with my self or with others around me. If I had a drink it was only one.You kissed me on the cheek on your way out. You got my number from the phone book or somebody not me. You called me about a week later left a message “Dear John”. I never pranked you. The police confirmed that from the records the phone company provided, this was necessary before a wire tap could be put on my line. Lets put more facts out there. Your “little harmless phone pranks” including many calls at all hours of the night. Some nights hour after hour and because the police were recording them I had to wake up andanswer them. Unplugging the phone was not an option. We were gather evidence against you. Its important to note that this whole experience of your annoying calls took place on and off from 5-18-91 to 10-11-91 yes five months. Remember the guy staying with you from Arizona? The one that called him self Francois / Darrylsaid he had a black Camaro calling from a number in S Deerfield who said he was gonna come to my house and beat me up??Harmlessphone “pranks”after the police came to your place and questioned you about this you left a message on my answering machine saying “ a friend from Arizona was staying with you and he happened to get my numberand happened to call and threaten my life.” You called me even after your Attorney and the police advised you to leave me alone. Some facts about today. I have not contacted you as I was instructed not to but felt I had to this one time. My friends from Facebook did not contact you. You went down my list and friend requested them. They went to your Facebook account then to your Journal and found your entries.There you had written damaging untruths about me - in short you defamed my character. One example is you claimed in your journal I had been convicted of harassing phone calls, 1986 for theft and 1979 for possession of a controlled substance. I don’t have a criminal record. People that really know me know that. Note everyone that added you deleted you after I talked to them. Now to the most important point I need to make. I didn’t ask you to write a story with me and you in it. The story you wrote using my name and description in the past and present is without my permission. You can keep your story but you will need to make the following changes: remove my name, and anything pertaining to 19 years ago in Massachusetts between us, and any similarity to me past or present. Do not ever use my name in or for any book, short story,article, similar medium or any events pertaining to my life in the past, now, or in the future. You never had my permission to do so and you never will. You have written many times if you hear from me and I ask you to stop you will. I have not asked you to stop just make the changes I have listed. Now is your chance to prove your honesty and integrity to show the kind of person you really are.

My reply: I read your message several times so as to make sure I understand what you’re trying to say and that I have not missed anything. Before I reply, please note that while you are absolutely correct in a lot of it, you’re just plain wrong on some things. Just wrong. But please, please don’t think I’m trying to upset you in any way by disagreeing with some things you’ve said! That is NOT my intention. I do NOT want to fight, argue or offend you! But I simply can’t sit here and say I agree with things I absolutely don’t remember or that I recall as being different than what you’ve described. I understand, though, that 19 years is a long time. And it’s easy to get some things jumbled up over the passage of so much time. All I want is to say that I’m not trying to change your way of thinking, your feelings, your beliefs or anything like that. I’m not even asking for your forgiveness or your friendship at this point. Speaking of the friend request thing – do you even know it’s there? Just wondering if it’s showing up on your end with all the problems Facebook has.

First off, I sense a lot of anger and hatred pouring from your comment, and hey, that’s your right if you really do feel these things. You have every right to despise me, but I want you to know up front that there are only so many times I can apologize to you for my wrongdoings. In other words, I’m not going to try to win you over. I’m not going to work, fight or try for your approval, friendship or anything else from you as I am no longer sure we can be friends and move on if you’re still this angry at me. Again, it’s your right, but I’m even wondering if maybe I should cancel the friend invite I sent you as some people have suggested I should. I just don’t want to be “friends” with someone who hates me this much or at least appears to. But I don’t want to make the mistake of jumping the gun like I did before either. I guess for now I will wait and see if you have anything else to say to me. I just don’t want to bother with those that don’t want to bother with me. That doesn’t change the attraction part – I was attracted to you, I still am, and maybe I always will be. But I’m not about to try to get you to feel things you don’t feel is all I’m saying, even though, I still wouldn’t mind getting to know you and becoming friends if that were at all possible.

The first thing I should make clear to you is that I researched internet laws when I first started writing publicly in the summer of 2008. Technically I have a right to use real full names, first and last, and to say what I want as long as I am not writing for profit and the person cannot prove in a court of law that anything I said actually did indeed cause them emotional suffering or financial loss of any kind. You said it yourself, those that know you know the truth about you as wrong as I admit I was for saying the shit I said. But to anyone else, you were simply “Maliheh” and that could be any Maliheh anywhere in the world. I have made it a point not to use real last names in my journal.

Ok, now I’m going to respond to your message in as much of an orderly fashion as I can so as not to miss anything.

“I have not contacted you until now because I have been instructed not to do.”

But I told you a long time ago after sending you the “do NOT contact me again” message that I later realized it wasn’t you who had harassed me on Formspring or elsewhere. I thought it went without saying that you knew you could contact me from that point on. So if anyone instructed you not to since then it wasn’t me. Just to set the record straight from here on out, you can contact me anytime you want unless I tell you otherwise. I know how to use FB and Yahoo’s block feature, though I cannot block specific individuals from viewing my blog without setting it private and that’s not going to happen. I do sometimes make private entries or use the “whisper” feature these blogs come with that allows only myself or any friends I may choose to see certain things within public entries.

I sent you a message in regards to the last message someone left about what supposedly happened to you one night when you got up to answer one of my calls, asking if it was true or not, but again I heard absolutely nothing in response from you so I didn’t know what to think at times.

I admit it was totally wrong of me to accuse you of playing with me on Formspring like I did. If it hadn’t been for the timing I never would have suspected and automatically assumed like a jerk it was you. It started just two weeks after I first contacted you on FB.

I also admit I was wrong for the mean things I said to you and that I handled things very poorly when I thought you were harassing me.

You are correct – I did add your friends, but I swear one of them did contact me right as I friended them about some kind of joke they wanted to play on you, but I didn’t want to get involved. At this time I was saying to myself, “Hey, this is stupid. Quit being an ass, leave her alone, let the past stay in the past, and move on!” And you’re also correct in that they didn’t all unfriend me right away. I removed those who didn’t remove me when I decided I wanted to try to make amends with you. I considered apologizing to your friends but figured I would be the last person they’d want to hear from again, even if it was to say I’m sorry.

I did later write to tell you that some people were questioning whether or not it was really you contacting me and asked you to reply if it wasn’t you but you never did. And so when you didn’t reply, I still assumed at the time that it was you I was dealing with.

I also gave you the chance up front to ask me to either not post or to change things with the story, saying I would go ahead and post it as is if I didn’t hear from you. And again I didn’t, so I posted it as is. Why didn’t you tell me you didn’t want your first name in it when I first told you I was going to post it as is unless I heard anything from you? As I said, I’m not legally obligated to remove it and I have stated up front that not all the events in the story are true. However, as a courtesy to you, I have removed the story since changing the name would be way too much work as it would be to remove past references. I’m pretty sure I got it all. If there’s anything else you want removed, you can contact me with the entry title and I will think about it. I have considered your “gag order” request, too – or demand, I should say – and yes, I will refrain from mentioning you in my blog from now on, and if I do it will only be in a vague way, nothing bad, and maybe I’ll even give you a bogus first name. Meanwhile, if you dislike me that much and feel you are bothered by my journal or story, I think you should stop reading it. Unless I’m reading you wrong – and I apologize up front if I am – you were never attracted to me, you do not like me, you are not interested in anything about me or my life, and therefore I would understand if you chose to stop coming here. It may be for the best, but that’s up to you. I can’t control what you do and I wouldn’t want to if I could.

You must keep in mind that I can’t control other people’s actions either and that some people may still leave comments about you, even if half of them can’t seem to spell your name right. I thought about disabling the anonymous comment thing but decided against it. If someone says anything nasty or threatening about you, however, then you bet I’ll remove it. But don’t think for a minute I’m going to be held accountable for what others may do. Again, those who know you know the truth, and your last name is not printed here so I’m not sure why your first name in the story bothers you even though I have come to learn that you weren’t the one who asked me to write it.

So the bar was called Pearl Street, huh? For some reason, I thought it was North Star. So it was a club and not a class – sorry. Yeah, I was with a girl named Kim. She was an RN living next door (Elm St. in S. Dfld.), married to a Greenfield cop named Mark, but they’ve long since divorced. And yes, it was a Wednesday night.

As I later acknowledged after I got over my anger when I thought you were harassing me on Formspring and Ask, I know you don’t have a criminal record and I know you weren’t drunk. However, I SWEAR it was YOU who kissed me on the cheek. I remember it clearly! And we DID exchange numbers, though I don’t remember who suggested it. How else could I have gotten your number and why would I ask someone else for it and not you? Without knowing your last name, I wouldn’t have been able to simply look you up. Also, I wouldn’t have had the guts to kiss you or anyone even quickly on the cheek. I wasn’t so shy that I wouldn’t go up and talk to someone, but kissing someone on the cheek I’d just met, that just wasn’t me. Again, not to offend or piss you off; just telling you what I personally remember to be the case.

“You called me about a week later left a message “Dear John”.”

We spoke a few times before our final conversation which did take place about a week after we met, remember? We talked about various things like how you quit smoking, the guitar…

I’m sorry I really, really truly believed you were interested in me and that my message came off as a Dear John message. If you say you weren’t interested, then you weren’t. You would know, wouldn’t you? And if you say you didn’t prank me after I pranked you, then I’m going to take your word for it. I always believed that the guy that called me was connected either to the cops or the crisis center, but I thought the girl sounded like the one on your outgoing message at the time, but again, if it wasn’t you, then it wasn’t you and it doesn’t matter all these years later since it won’t change anything. I was just curious about it, but now you have told me and so now I know.

There’s no way the calls could’ve started in May and went on through October simply because we didn’t meet until June and I got caught in September. As soon as a detective called me on the phone to say I was being charged for calling you, it scared the shit out of me and I stopped immediately. So if you received calls before or after June - September, though I don’t remember the actual start/end dates - it was NOT from me.

Andy (Daryl) and Fran were not staying with me. We were using the 3-way feature. Fran turned out to be a complete wacko and I’m lucky he never harmed me in any way. I have not spoken to him in a million years. I am not only so very sorry that my calls kept you up at night, but that he threatened you. Andy and I were VERY much against threatening anyone, but that is something Fran would have done, and again, I’m very sorry he did that to you, though I was not aware of it until now.

“Some nights hour after hour and because the police were recording them I had to wake up andanswer them.”

But you didn’t answer some of them. Initially, you answered them, but then you stopped and your machine came on after a while. Not trying to play down what I did, make excuses or deny that it was no fun at all for you, but it seemed that once you realized the wires weren’t crossed and it was just pranks, you stopped answering and your machine came on.

The police never came to talk to me as my lawyer advised me not to talk to them under any circumstances, though they did call and ask to come over. I told them I had been ordered not to speak to them and hung up the phone.

“You have written many times if you hear from me and I ask you to stop you will.”

Yes, boss.

“Now is your chance to prove your honesty and integrity to show the kind of person you really are.”

I don’t have to “prove” anything to anyone, but I am being honest and upfront with you. I do want to get along even if you will never like me or want to be friends. I have no ill feelings towards you or the desire to make trouble for you. If this isn’t good enough for you, then I give up.

Again, and for the last time, I am very sorry for the lost sleep and the stress I caused you 19 years ago. I am sorry that Fran threatened you. I am sorry I falsely accused you of the Formspring thing. I am sorry I wrote some nasty things to you and about you. I am sorry I bothered your friends. I will not repeat any of these mistakes again, and if I have even the slightest doubt about anything ever again in the future, I will contact you and hope that you will reply and clear things up for me right away.

I have a lot to do today so if you need to contact me again and I don’t get back to you right away, I’m not ignoring you. I will tend to it first chance I get.

I realize you and I aren’t going to agree on everything that happened and that’s ok. Does it really matter – 19 years later – who kissed who? I think all that should really matter is that we have each gotten things off our chest (and I thank you very much for finally stepping forward and speaking your mind, whether I agree with everything you said or not) and that we don’t make trouble for each other in the future. From here on out I wish you the very best in life.

The 20 questions:

1. Were you really not interested in me?

2. Were you behind any of the prank calls I got?

3. Do you have any idea who may’ve been impersonating you?

4. What do you think of the story?

5. What made you move to where you currently live?

6. What have you done for work over the years, and what do you do now?

7. Are you single, and if not how long have you been with someone?

8. Are you happy in life?

9. Are you in good health?

10. What types of music do you like?

11. What are your favorite foods?

12. Do you believe in psychics?

13. Do you still have cats for pets or any other pets?

14. What are your hobbies?

15. Have you been with a lot of people, and do you usually prefer casual encounters or to be more serious?

16. Do you have an “ideal” type of woman? If so, what does she look like and what’s her personality like?

17. Do you have any phobias?

18. Did you ever think of me over the years despite the problems we had?

19. What went through your mind when I first contacted you? (other than oh shit! LOL)

20. What are your favorite travel destinations other than the moonlit path of my imagination?

And these were the random facts I posted yesterday about myself:

I prefer milk chocolate to dark chocolate.

I would have been a slut in my early 20s had not so many women found me too short and too feminine.

I will drink orange juice, but I can’t stand anything else with oranges, including the smell of oranges.

I’ve been in funny farms and jails before, but I swear I’ve had my act together since 1993!

I have not seen my immediate family since the 90s and I doubt I ever will again.

I love rats, mice and snakes, but spiders creep me out.

I refuse to eat anything salty, spicy or citrus.

I usually brush or straighten my hair out and I actually have spiral curls which I hate.

Although I’m small I could probably kick your ass if pissed enough.

I don’t worry what people think, they don’t do it very often anyway.

I dwell on the past and worry about the future a little more than I should.

I want to fly a plane. A BIG plane.

I can run a few miles, do 100 ab crunches and about a dozen push-ups and I’m almost 45.

I’m partially deaf but I can identify musical notes without reading music or seeing them played on an instrument.

I got fired from just about every job I ever had except for dancing, singing and writing. Even the one as an “adviser” on a site after someone asked what they should do about their cheating GF and I suggested wetting her pinky finger and sticking it in an electrical socket.

I hate temperatures below 80º.

My tummy hurts from having too much candy and not enough real food since I’ve been up today.

I’m not big on jewelry. All I wear is my wedding band and I haven’t worn earrings in years.

No Tom wouldn’t want to watch if I got together with another woman. Despite being very tolerant and open-minded, he would rather not hear about it.

I am pro-choice and believe everyone should be able to marry who they love.

I’m not skinny or fat but kind of muscular.

My hair is usually too long.

I’m fair-skinned and so I burn instead of tan.

A woman in uniform turns me on.

I still like Barbie, though I quit collecting her years ago.

I don’t mind rain, but I HATE snow.

For a while, I was a bit racist about a decade ago. These days, however, I have no discrimination. I hate everybody equally.

I wonder why so many people don’t know when to use there, their or they’re. Or the difference between to and too and your and you’re.

Whoa! I was just going to do this entry when I got this:

I got the Facebook mess..its me…I am not going to start this back and forth but I want you to know I think I was misunderstood.. its a Free country say what you feel about me, you and your friends I don’t care about that… just don’t use my name in or for any book, short story, article, similar medium or any events pertaining to my life in past now or in the future. no need to go to the extreme. I have a friend that told me if you did the story in word you can with one click change my name to another. im sure you can alter the story and still keep the story line in tack screenwriters do that all the time..Thank you for respecting my wishes .As far as the facts yea long time ago thats why I payed for the police report and was going mostly off of that . the real Maliheh

I replied with: Hey, good to hear from you again. :) Your friend is right - one click will change your name. I just thought it easier to delete all the posts here since I don’t have any way to one-click them here in the blog, so I just kicked it all off entirely. I do have it in Word and will go and make the changes there in case I ever re-post it here or anywhere else, or if you change your mind and want a copy of the final edit. Yeah, it was a long time ago, and sadly, cops are often like the media - lies, hypes and half-truths mixed in with whole truths. Regardless of the facts, the past is the past and I will use my best judgment as to what I say about you (like if you show up in my dreams like you sometimes do, LOL) and I will keep you out of Storyland. :) Have a good day!

NOTE: This was before she eventually dumped me and she basically forfeited her right to have her first name (I never use last names unless it’s a public figure) kept out of my blog.

Ok, now that I think I’m done hearing from her for the day, even though she’s been checking my blog every 15 minutes, LOL, I’ll discuss my thoughts and feelings on the matter.

There was certainly a lot less anger and hate radiating from her last message.

I was really surprised, alright! I was really beginning to think I’d never hear from her. But then when she didn’t kick the friend invite out (which is still pending), I didn’t know what to think. But why she chose to jump out at me in public instead of in private seems strange. Perhaps to defend herself to my followers?

And why deny she kissed me and that we exchanged numbers unless her memory’s just screwed up? To thwart off suspicions that she may’ve been interested in me?

Even if she came out and told me her life story, and I am still curious about her, I will not post anything she may tell me. Not even something as trivial as her favorite foods.

But the story’s a whole different ballgame. As she pointed out, I can change her name in one click, but the more I think about it, the more I think altering the story to omit any past references would be a bit of work because the storyline is based so much on the past. Yeah, it could be done (hey, I’m supposed to be a pro) and in a way that would keep the storyline intact, but I’m not sure it’s worth the effort. I will make that decision as I make the final edit. If I don’t remove the past then I just won’t post it anywhere. So if she ever does decide she wants a final copy, she’ll see a different name, but she may still see the past.

But why wait until the story is over to come out and say she wants out of it? No supposed gag order would’ve kept me from speaking up about a story I didn’t want to be in, or the prospect of someone impersonating me.

I wonder if she’ll ever accept the friend invite (if she sees it and it’s not a glitch on Facebook’s part) and if she’ll keep visiting my blog. Perhaps she’ll still be curious as to what’s being said about her. I hope she’ll still come around. :)

So she paid for the police report, huh? No wonder she listed so many dates and names, even if most of them are bullshit. I was beginning to think she either had an incredible memory or that she herself kept some kind of journal.

I don’t know why she came at me in public and not private. To defend herself to my followers perhaps?

Before bed I pulled two mugs out and put cream and sugar in one of them, planning to have soup in the empty one, then refrigerate the one with cream and sugar like I usually do before bed. That way I can just pull it out when I get up and brew my coffee right into it. But I wanted a cup of soup before bed, and what should I do but be dumb enough to dump the pouch of soup mix into my chocolate creamer. So I ended up with chocolate chicken soup! beats head

The most amazing thing going on (and the nicest): she’s still here. And I’m still pending. Hmm…interesting. Muy, muy interesante. This has left me more confused as to what could be on her mind. Or has it really? Well, I guess that if I’m not even sure if I’m more confused or not means that yeah, I must really be more confused, LOL.

Many people had asked and suggested she only came around for the story and I was always quick to agree and say something like, “Well, you don’t think she came around because she’s just dying to know when my hair reaches my waist, do ya?” But maybe she does want to know that yes, it’s finally there when you pull all the damn curls straight. And right now I’m sitting here with these lovely plum-colored little lint balls plastered all over me from our new towels. I don’t know why. I washed the damn things first.

The second most amazing thing is that it’s finally raining – really raining – since sometime late last May or early June. Ah, but I’ve been dreaming of Florida or somewhere in the southeast like crazy lately! I’d even settle for Georgia or Alabama! Even Andy’s going to be having better weather than us for a while. We shouldn’t be having highs in the 50s till December! It’s like global warming is warming the eastern part of the country, but making the west colder. :(

I got up to find a message in my Yahoo box that Nane left me on her Facebook wall saying, “I did. :)))” and I’m thinking, did what? Then I realized it was in response to my telling her a while back to enjoy her vacation. She’s back home now and I’m NOT sending another thing to her unless she either sends me something first or pays some kind of attention to me by at least peeking over her shoulder every now and then at this blog or something like that.

Yesterday we spent about $150 at Walmart on all kinds of odds and ends. I got a new body pillow and some sports bras. I stupidly got size 34 when I should’ve gotten 32, but at least my size 12 jeans that should be size 10, or even size 8, won’t be sliding down these hips anymore. I got a white belt with silver square studs. It’s shiny and flashy, but still casual and goes with everything.

Instead of expensive perfume as much as I miss my White Shoulders, I got a couple of those Designer Imposters I love. Wanna Play? is ok, but Babe is awesome! I’m wearing that right now. I’m obsessed with good smells. I have Babe perfume on, a Hawaiian-scented plug-in air freshener in here, and Jasmine incense burning in the other room. And of course I was quick to reach for my patchouli lotion after showering with my honey shampoo and peach body wash, LOL.

Later…

Nane’s been on Facebook for hours and ignoring me, and Maliheh made her first visit to my blog right around when I figured she would. :) If I don’t hear from her by the end of the year, then I guess I never will.

And Tom’s out grocery shopping while we get pummeled with an incredible amount of rain. It’s like December out there. :(

I’m so excited about finishing my book! It ended up at just under 62K words, so it’s not quite a full-length novel, but it’s not quite a short story either. I’m also looking forward to doing the final editing of it and moving on to my next book!

The editing shouldn’t take any longer than mid-November. I’ll try to do 1-2 chapters a day.

I’ve been rewarded for it with lots of nice feedback, 4 “outstanding” votes on my new poll, and my ovary acting up again. It was a nice long break I was enjoying from that mid-cycle pain, but yeah, I guess I’ve had some kind of a cyst on it for quite a while now. In a few days or less, it will go away.

I’ve heard nothing at all from Nane in days. No messages, no blog peek-a-boos, no nothing. But I know she’s not home yet either. She’ll be back in Germany tonight which will be around lunchtime here. Maybe I’ll hear from her after she gets settled.

Looking forward to our early morning shopping spree at Walmart. We agreed it would be ok to spend $50 a month on fun stuff and still be able to save a few hundred a month while we’re at it. We could use some new bath towels and other stuff around the place, so I made a little list of some things to check out. Of course being the perfume junkie that I am means a stop in the smelly section, LOL.

My jeans were falling off (I’ve got to get a new belt) and I took them off, looked at the tag, and it’s no wonder! It’s a size 12. What was my mom thinking when she sent them?

Maliheh made another late-night check of my blog last night and tonight, and was in right around when I expected her to be in this morning for the last chapter. I half-expected her to run and dump the friend invite after she read it, but nope. It’s still there. So that leaves me thinking of 4 possibilities. 1. She dumps it after I email her the final copy. 2. She accepts it at some point. 3. She leaves it pending forever to play with me. 4. She’s waiting for my birthday to accept it.

I once mentioned almost being her birthday present since I re-entered her life the day after it, though I didn’t know it at the time. Then I added that I hoped she’d be my birthday present in return.

I’m a little surprised she’s still coming around as much, but just a little. I figured she’d be curious to check out the comments on the last chapter.

So what is it with all the afro cocks wanting to friend me on MyOpera??? I’m kind of getting sick of all the friend collectors out there.

Maliheh must be getting really anxious about the end of the story, as well as the comments because she not only returned 15 minutes after she first came in early yesterday morning once she realized I was on at the time replying to “comments,” but she was also in as late as midnight last night her time. Wonder how early she’ll be in today? I just know I’m gonna miss her coming around when the story’s done!

Someone told me that they read my last book, Digital Confessions, and were so freaked out by it that they couldn’t read any more of my stories. I’ve got to admit that one was both amusing and flattering. As a suspense writer, I better scare the shit out of you at least a little bit or else I’ve failed to do my job properly, LOL.

I’d love to finish my book now but I’m exhausted, and if I try to work when I’m tired I know I’ll screw up. I caught a missing quote in my last chapter and so I added it in where it was supposed to be. Hopefully, it will be done within 1-3 more days. I’m going to try to finish it in one more chapter, but it may take two. Not sure if I’m going to do an epilogue yet. The book has no prologue as of yet, but a prologue is not needed for an epilogue. We’ll just see how things go later on tonight before I decide on what to do.

It’s getting exciting moving to the end of the end! It’s just about time to tie those loose ends up and bring everything together to give it the final touches of a finished novel! Or hope to anyway, LOL. Either way, I’m looking way forward to it! reaches for those last few strings In 12 hours or so I will hopefully be tying it all up! Yay!!! Oh, and be prepared to vote, I told them, on MyOpera when it’s done. I’m going to add a poll asking what they thought of the story. :)

Been loving the quiet mornings that come with Jesse not working. I know we’ve got another week or two before it’s that time of year when the dogs bark like crazy, and that Jesse’s still not going to want to be here much when he goes on disability, but at least he won’t be leaving at 5am when the dogs would be at their worst until 8:00 or 9:00. The later he leaves, the less barking they do.