October.

October has a few anniversaries in it for me, the 11th being particularly horrible.

The 4th will mark 13 years since I quit smoking. I went from saying I can’t believe I quit to I can’t believe I ever smoked, though I’m sure there will always be a part of me that can’t believe I quit. I used the gum back when I was living in Phoenix, AZ, the same method that I failed to succeed with 5 years earlier in CT. Guess there really is a time and a place for everything.

The 27th will mark 23 years of journaling.

This month would’ve also been the end of us had Tom not been able to get a job. In a couple of weeks, we’d be out of money, I’d be deciding which friends and family members to send a final message to, we’d be dead, and Evil Amongst the Evergreens would never get finished. Maliheh’s friend invite wouldn’t matter anymore around the 15th for I wouldn’t be here to know if she ever accepted it or not.

But mid-May of this year is also kind of memorable as that’s when I first found Maliheh online. I just wish I didn’t have to go and be such a jerk like I was at first. But it’s true that my initial plan wasn’t to be very nice at all. “You’re still a hot-looking bitch,” I remember saying to myself when I saw her pictures. “Yes, your worst nightmare has risen from the past straight out of hell and right into cyberspace, you heart-breaking bitch!” I flashed an evil grin and started learning whatever I could about her. I didn’t learn much. Either I’m a lousy detective or this is just a very private person.

Then I thought she was harassing me on Formspring and I really got mad. “Ok, here comes trouble! Yes, ready or not here I come! I’m coming to pick on your weight, even though I’m the one who got fat and not you. And I’m going to pick on your friends too, even if one of them contacted me first before I knew what the hell was going on. I’m gonna pick on you, tease you, taunt you… and WTF?! You mean my Formspring tormenter is Andy?!

“Stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid fool!” I screamed at myself. And then the guilt set in and bit hard. Real hard. I tried to make amends. I was unsuccessful. But the good thing is that I don’t usually repeat my mistakes, so she has nothing to worry about in the future even if she still hates me and always will and thinks I’m a major fuck-up and an ugly dog who’s dumber than dumb.

But then I thought it was her that had come to communicate with me and this put a smile on my face. A huge one. Yeah, I still had a thing for her despite any hurt or anger in the picture.

Then I learned it was an impersonator. Bummer! But I’m mostly sure that the real one is reading her story. Probably not the journal, but the story. And so I feel “connected.” It’s a nice feeling and I’m enjoying it while it lasts and keeping my word about behaving even if the damage is already done and it’s too late. I love my husband dearly, but sometimes I wonder about those could’ve beens and might’ve beens, and well, I don’t want to get to crying now, so I’ll move on and try not to beat myself up for what can’t be changed or blame others. If I do, it’s too easy to get caught up in thinking – if my mother hadn’t abused me, maybe I wouldn’t have been so screwed up, and if her mother hadn’t been such a bitch, maybe she would’ve been a better mother, and if my great, great, great, great grandparents hadn’t have done whatever… Gotta admit, though, that if someone told me 20 years ago she’d one day read a story of mine – any story – and so could anyone in the world if they wanted to, I’d have laughed my ass off!

I have her picture on the wall and I admire it every day. If I knew this bothered her I’d yank it off the wall and tear it up. I swear I would!

I plan on working on Evil today, whether I do or do not start chiseling out the start of Sugar Bella and For Keeps. For Keeps was originally going to be Evil’s subtitle, but I decided I liked it for the story I have in mind with Nane which will be filled with much more suspense than Evil has been so far.

I haven’t heard from Nane lately. She doesn’t appear to have been on LM or FB. I know she’s busy with the new job and getting ready for her trip. Hopefully this weekend she’ll return the hug I sent her. :)

Not sure I want to sell Evil unless it’s for an insane amount of money. I want a grand for this manuscript otherwise it’s a no-go. Even though I often use real-life characters and even though it was a bummer to learn that the person asking me and inspiring me to write it wasn’t the real Maliheh, this story will always be one of the more special ones. Selling copies of stories is one thing, but literally selling the story – my very own creation – is another. It’s just not easy to do if the price isn’t right or if it’s not something I’m writing for someone else that is out of my usual style and genre.

I’ve been asked to throw Nane into Evil, but I can’t see any way to fit her into it at this point.

Irene, a friend of mine here, asked to be in my next book and said she can be good, bad - anything I want, LOL. I told her I could squeeze her into Evil, but I have to dramatically change her age, LOL. If she doesn’t have a problem with this, like the real Maliheh apparently didn’t when I notified her on Facebook that I would be publishing the story, then I will go ahead and throw her in. She didn’t say not to use her real last name, but I won’t anyway, as that’s something I don’t usually do.

I don’t know that I’ll be posting any more stories in the future until and if I set up a site and sell them. But I will email copies to anyone who wants them.

Andy left a message saying he’s been so busy he hasn’t had time to read my journal, and I told him not to worry because it’s boring anyway. He replied with, “Your journal is NEVER boring. That’s why so many people all over the world read it, including myself. Keep writing!”

Aw, how sweet, huh?